The Household COO

Sad to say, I don’t know who wrote this. It’s one of those beautiful pieces of writing that gets passed along through email that I happened to save. While cleaning out my hard drive, I came across it. I felt that the words captured here are too precious to keep to myself, so I’m posting this out.

I’ve known too many couples who were perfect for each other but failed in their relationships because they left everything up to chance. They failed to make that choice. So here it is…

When we meet the right person to love when we’re at the right place at the right time. That’s chance. When you meet someone you you’re attracted to, that’s not a choice. That’s chance. Being caught up in a moment (and there’s a lot of couples who get together because of this) is not a choice. That’s also a chance.

The difference is what happens afterward. When will you take that infatuation, that crush, that mind-blowing attraction to the next level? That’s when all sanity goes back, you sit down and contemplate whether you want to make this into a concrete relationship or just a fling.

If you decide to love a person, even with his faults, that’s not a chance. That’s choice. When you choose to be with a person, no matter what, that’s choice. Even if you know there are many people out there who are more attractive, smarter, and richer than your mate, and yet, you decide to love your mate just the same, that’s choice.

Infatuation, crushes, attraction comes to us by chance. But true love that lasts is truly a choice. A choice that we make.

Regarding soulmates, there’s a beautiful movie quote that I believe is so true about this: “Fate brings you together, but it’s still up to you to make it happen.”

I do believe that soulmates do exist. That there is truly someone made for you. But it’s still up to you to make the choice if you’re going to do something about it or not. We may meet our soulmates by chance, but loving and staying with our soulmate is still a choice we have to make.

A couple of days ago, I was watching the movie “The Last Kiss” with my SIL. It is about a group of thirty somethings who don’t seem to have it quite together for the next stage of their lives - marriage and children. If you ask me, it’s more about the men who haven’t quite gotten it together.

There are so many of these films about men who are commitment phobic and reluctant to take the plunge to get married. Is that really true? Are most men really afraid of settling down and tying the knot? Because it doesn’t really seem to be the case among the people I know.

In my own personal case, it was I who was the one that wasn’t quite ready to settle down rather than the hubby. It seems to be that way also with a number of my girlfriends. So why does Hollywood portray women as the ones that are pushing hard for marriage and commitment while the men are trying to run as fast as they can in the opposite direction?

“A man will always remember the woman he couldn’t have,
and a woman will always remember the man that never stopped loving her.”

At least I think that’s how the quote goes.

Why do people keep thinking about the past even when they are in a relationship that’s great? All right, maybe it’s okay to think about the past every once in a while and reminisce about how lovely it was back then but if it interferes with the present and affects the future, isn’t that toxic?

After the number of people I’ve played “Aunt Agony” to, I seriously think I ought to open up my own counselling clinic because I think I could do pretty well in this line. I’m not half bad at it and I think I even enjoy it to a degree, except for when we start to go around and around in circles.

When I was in University, I had a friend who believed that most relationships were flawed because a lot of people still harbour precious memories about that one person they will never forget. In other words, “the one that got away”. I was starting to believe it because nearly everyone around me was not with “the one that got away” and it seemed sad that we were all settling for “second best”.

By the the time I finished University, I, too, thought I was forever going to be plagued by “the one that got away”. That was, until fate stepped in and I got my chance for closure with my “soul-mate”. We went out again as friends and I realised that he was no longer my “soul-mate”. The years had changed the both of us so much that we no longer fit together like a hand in a glove.

Well, I did say I had been in University so I was still young and entitled to a certain level of idealism. After that, I became a realist. I no longer believe in that one amazing person that we’d never forget because the world we live in is dynamic. Everything changes and so do we. If we do not move in tandem with another person, then what was perfect at one point in time will no longer fit the mould at another point.

So why waste our lives on the past that is dead and gone? Even if we could have the past here and now, it wouldn’t be anything at all like it once was, so what’s the point of it all? I guess at the fundamental heart of it all, we’re just gluttons for punishment. The human psyche craves to wallow in “woe is me” from time to time so we dig up a memory from the past, sugar coat it with icing and sprinkles and binge until we throw up.

And I forget what this post was originally supposed to be about.

“She was learning to negotiate steps. Going up was easy, but coming down was tricky. She would clutch the lower bar of the banister as she took her tiny steps one stair at a time, right foot followed by the left. At the base of the stairs, daddy was watching benignly, standing patiently by the pram as she practiced going up and down the stairs. As soon as she made it down to the base, she would run back up to repeat the task.

“Feeling a surge of confidence, she discarded the railing and attempted the stairs on her own. The first step went well. Encouraged, she took another step. The right foot wobbled and she tumbled down into a heap. As she wailed, daddy came rushing to pick her up and examined her for injuries. Finding only minor bruises, he kissed her better and settled her at the top of the stairs again. He guided her right hand to the lower bar and held her left hand as he nudged her to try again.

“As soon as she was steady, he let go her left hand and watched as she climbed down the rest of stairs on her own. She repeated the task successfully a few more times then ran off to play in the park.”

It was interesting to note that the father did not molly coddle her and tuck her away into the pram as soon as she fell. For that, I believe she will grow up to become a confident young lady. It is in those early years that her young mind is easily influenced by the actions of the people she trusts. In that instance, daddy has shown her that he loves her, and that he believes in her even though she fell.

I love the coalescence of edification with symbolism in this example. Not only does it educate the onlookers about the development of strong parent-child relationships, but it also epitomizes the proverb that daddy will be there to pick her up whenever she falls. He supports her new ventures from a watchful distance so that she may be encouraged to continue exploring new grounds on her own but he reassures her that he is her ardent supporter who would be there in an instant should she need his assistance. The latter then, provides her with the courage to face the fear of the unknown.

I’ve noticed that this is not often the case within an Asian family. Perhaps I stereotype, but that was the way it was in my family. That we are shaped by the sum of our childhood experiences and become what we were taught to be forms that strong reluctance to release the aspirations that belong to our parents. Desires to be emancipated from filial obligations are snuffed out by an unfulfilled need to be recognized as an accomplished individual. This then forms the notion that autonomy must not be won through battle, but awarded as the prize of achievement. Until the arrival of that day, the shackles remain bound.

Is it true that no matter what happens, MILs and DILs will never bond or have the kind of relationship that exists only on TV?

A friend recently told me that even though her boyfriend’s mother liked her and they got along “okay”, she never quite felt like she was entirely within the circle of trust. No matter what happened, she was still always the outsider.

It got me thinking and I’ve realised this was quite true for me as well. I get along just fine with my MIL and there is no animosity of any sort. When I started dating the hubby and when we decided to get married, she welcomed me with open arms. Unlike the movie “Monster in Law”, which is probably every woman’s deepest fear, I never had to go through anything like that.

I used to think it was just my personality that kept a distance between us. I’m quite an aloof person and getting close to people is not something I’m at ease with. I don’t exactly have a close relationship with my own mother who has known me since I was born so why on earth would I expect to have one with someone I’ve only known for a couple of years?

But in spite of the sometimes estranged relationship that I have with my mother, we still have a closer relationship than I could ever hope to have with my MIL. It may have taken us my whole upbringing for my mother and I to come to the easy existence we have now, but at least we understand each other and we accept each other as we are.

Though I had originally thought that it my own personal issues with intimacy that resulted in the relationship that we have, living with my in laws has made me realise I cannot claim all the credit, or the lack of, for creating the gap between my MIL and I. The fact remains I am not within the circle of trust.

I’m sure the hubby will tell me I’m being silly and that my MIL adores me otherwise why would she have gone through the trouble of making nourishing food for me to consume when I was pregnant? Well, I’m not debating that my MIL has a genuine concern for my well-being. What I’m trying to point out is that there still remains an invisible barrier and exists between every MIL and DIL. That barrier is just thicker between some MILs and DILs than others.

How do I know that I’m not in the circle of trust? The most obvious is when she speaks to the hubby in Hokkien about matters that should involve me (for instance, my son’s welfare) even though I’m also at the dining table. We all know I barely understand a word of Hokkien and my MIL is fluent in English. Other times she will tell the hubby in Hokkien to tell me to do something even though she’s sitting opposite of me and is fully able to tell me so herself.

My MIL often does not directly ask me for help. She usually asks my husband to ask me for help. If she is reluctant to trouble me, that reluctance speaks louder than words that I am not in the circle of trust. When she does talk to me about her concerns, I find it hard to understand what her real concerns are because it is as though she speaks to me in riddles and assumes I’ll understand the hidden meaning when clearly I do not.

In psychology, we learned about mother-son and father-daughter relationships. For a mother who has been the only woman in her son’s eyes up until the age when he starts dating, I guess it’s often hard to totally let go. No matter how hard she tries, there will be a part of her that sees her son’s girlfriend or wife as the person who has taken away her son. Likewise for fathers it will be their daughter’s boyfriend or husband who takes away their little girl. And even though some parents will accept this change more readily than others, there will always remain a barrier.

It is true because I’ve seen the hubby struggling in his relationship with my father. It has always been my father who had issues with my past boyfriends and never my mother, while it would be my brother’s girlfriends who would have difficulties with my mother.

I guess when my own son grows up and gets married, only then will I finally understand my MIL.

I get the feeling my Dad has been trying to correct a mistake he made a long time ago by attempting to re-live his past through me. My mother has never really gotten along with my paternal grandparents, or more specifically, my paternal grandmother, my mother’s MIL. Being the obstinate person that she is, she generally maintains very little contact with my grandmother and pays only cursory visits when she’s in town.

I guess my father regrets letting my mother get away with such behaviour all through their married life because my father is quite a filial son. I won’t defend my mother’s actions, but I feel a need to highlight the fact that my mother is a reclusive person. Even when she’s in town, she hardly visits her own parents despite the fact that it’s no secret she is her father’s favourite child. I guess you could call it a character flaw of my mother’s, especially if you take into consideration what I wrote about her in my previous post.

Of course it’s also no secret that my mother disagrees with a lot of the things that my paternal grandmother does and thinks. Even as a grandchild, I have to admit that my grandmother has always been quite a handful. To make a point, even her own daughters have had a hard time relating to her!

So what does this have to do with my father and me? Well, recently, I put up a big protest about wanting to stay at home after my delivery during the confinement month. The general consensus of everyone else was that I should stay with my in laws so that there would be someone to take care of me. Why am I insisting on staying at my own home when every new mother testifies that the first month after delivery is the hardest time of their lives and accepting all the help you can get is the wisest decision a new mother could make?

I know that my in laws care very much for me and only want the best for me. I truly appreciate that and I really feel blessed that they feel that way towards me. I also think there’s something to be said about needing to be close to one’s own parents. I know that I have never had a great relationship with my parents, especially when I was growing up, yet, I have to say that this moment of weakness brings with it a yearning for my parents to be close to me and the baby. I feel that if I were to stay at my in laws’ house, and given the strict confinement rules of not being allowed out of the house, I would not have that opportunity for my parents to be near me.

The other reason is that I have never taken well to nagging, no matter how well intentioned that nagging is. Why would I ask to be close to my parents when one would anticipate that they would probably be my biggest naggers? Because at least I have a voice when my parents are nagging. I can choose to be obstinate and I can respond back without fear of offense or endangering what fragile relationship we have thus far cultivated. I am certain that in time I may also be able to develop the same easy relationship with my in laws, however, I do not believe that time should be during the first month after the arrival of my first child who I am sure is going to test us all mightily.

Perhaps the other way of looking at it would be to quote that old adage: “Better the devil you know”. I’ve lived most my life with my parents and I know them through and through. I feel much better adapted to managing them than I do with a new family whom I’m only just beginning to understand.

If I add in the post-natal blues that many mothers experience after the delivery of their baby, I’m fairly certain I will end up a case for post-natal depression if I should “lose my voice” in that one month post delivery. I’ve already been through one harrowing experience which sent me to tears on my wedding day, how then could I possibly expect to keep calm with post-natal hormones raging through my body, a flock of fussing people constantly nagging me, and a persistently crying baby whom I cannot yet understand?

If I am a master at anything, it is that I fully understand the psychology of my own mind and I know best how to manage a situation to reduce the potential explosiveness of its effects. I have made these choices in the best interest of all, but it is unfortunate that hubby, my in laws and even my own father have misconstrued my actions as a sign of my dislike towards my in laws. Far from it, it is because of my respect for them and my desire to nuture a positive relationship with them that I have chosen this path.

Should I allow myself to be coerced into a decision that is not of my choosing, I fear that I may end up retaliating like a rat backed into a corner. It is the consequences of a scenario like that that I am working to head off. I had reacted in such a manner some years before and seriously damaged relationships to the point where I had feared there would be no resolution for it. In many ways I am as much to blame for allow matters to escalate to that level by passively allowing others to make decisions that were against my own will.

In witnessing what he believes to be a repeat of his life with my mother and her reluctance to bond with his mother, my father has been pushing me to stay with my in laws post-delivery. I feel he is attempting to ammend the mistakes of his past through me. As a result, the hubby has misinterpreted my father’s actions as an unwillingness to assist me post-delivery, hence he is confused as to why I insist on seeking help from those who do not wish to provide it.

I feel there is already far too much confusion and misunderstanding. I have seen the forest from the trees and it is as clear to me that this is the best path to take. I am no longer bothered by their lack of faith in my judgements, neither do I hope they will understand the reasoning behind my actions. I only ask for their acceptance that this is what I have chosen.

Sometime back I was wondering through a bookstore in Penang with the hubby (who wasn’t my hubby at the time). I came across a book that discussed the various different languages of love and how understanding this concept could help improve your relationships with loved ones.

For instance, they gave an example how an audio-oriented person may need to hear “I love you” to feel loved, while for another person, receiving small gifts, flowers and notes is that person’s language of love. A husband who expresses his love through action, like doing the laundry or washing the dishes, may still be inadequately expressing his love to his wife if she is an audio-oriented person who needs to be told she is loved in order to feel loved. By understanding this fundamental concept and recognising the specific language our partners or family members utilise, we are then better able to express love and receive love.

Recently, I had forgotten that my mother speaks a very different language of love from me. She hardly ever says, “I love you,” and when you hug her, it is like hugging a plank of wood and you will never feel her arms around you. Forget about getting kisses, unless you’re adorably cute and still a toddler. She is also a rather sedate person. Compare her response to my announcement that I was pregnant against my Dad’s. My Dad had been nothing short of ectatic when he heard the news, while my mother’s response had merely been, “Mmm… okay.” She might as well have been replying to a comment I’d made about the weather.

Since I had gotten pregnant, I have often been queried as to why my mother had never bothered to visit me. I thought very little of it at first because this is quite the norm for my mother. After a while, I started to wonder if perhaps she was somehow annoyed me for some past grievance I had caused her. I’ll attribute this temporary case of delusional paranoia to the abundance of raging pregnant hormones circulating my body. It might also partially be due to the fact that I have been acclimatising to the very articulate expressions of love from the hubby’s family.

My mother is actually very easy to read. Upon meeting her for the first time, most people often find her reserved and cold, and they often misinterpret this as an indication of her dislike towards them. Well, let’s just say that if my mother had taken a dislike towards someone, there is never any mistake about it. If you walk into the room, she’ll walk out of it. If you greet her, she’ll simply ignore you. If she buys anything for you at all, no matter how small the gift, it is a sign as bright as the sun that you are close to her heart.

My mother is not the sort of person to waste her time on little niceties just to remain in someone’s good books. She doesn’t care whose toes she steps on or who gets offended by her actions. In her own quiet way, she is a very frank person, who is so unpretentious that you can read the signs of her happy reactions by her lack of negative emotions.

So when my mother started sending over presents for baby Gavin, I knew that inside her heart, she cares. Her love is not expressed by her presence or her words, it is expressed through her actions.