Archive for the philosophies Category

This is a very inspirational movie that also conveys the same message that I talked about in my previous post about not only surviving in the face of adversity but thriving.

http://www.finishstrongmovie.com/

What causes some people to rise above the enormous trials and challenges that are presented to them by life and others to fall so low that they never rise again?  It is their attitude, their decisions and their dreams.

This is a lesson I hope to impart to my son when he is old enough to understand so that he may not only face the challenges in his life with a positive attitude but that he can rise above whatever life throws at him.

Be like a phoenix, that we may rise magnificently from the ashes.

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This was forwarded to me through email by a friend.  It is a rather lengthy read but a good one so I have kept the entire speech in tact here. 

As with everything we read, there is always one or two points that we inevitably pick out that remains in our memories above and beyond everything else we have read or heard and this is most notably what sticks out in my mind:

  • the fact that her biggest failure was what drove JK Rowling to what she is today, and by her own admission, if it had not happened, she may not have accomplished what she has today - to think that the world might never have known a Harry Potter of Privet Drive if her marriage had succeeded…
  • the importance she places on imagination

In many ways, I identify a lot with her first point.  It was when I had to struggle the most that I achieved my greatest ambitions.  It was almost as if it is the challenge of adversity that drives me to achieve everything that I had once deemed impossible for the likes of one such as myself.  So perhaps what keeps me from achieving all that I desire is the lack of a disaster looming in the distance.  For want of better words - my life is too cushy right now.

As for the second point, where I see that playing a role is with the Law of Attraction.  For without and active imagination, how can you dream of the things you don’t think are possible?

I find this speech highly inspirational and I hope you find it so, too.  Very likely, you will pick up from it very differently and it will move you in different ways from me.  Whatever, the case, I hope it helps you in your endeavours in life.

J.K. Rowling, author of the best-selling Harry Potter book series, delivered this Commencement Address, “The Fringe Benefits of Failure, and the Importance of Imagination,” at the Annual Meeting of the Harvard Alumni Association.
Copyright of JK Rowling, June 2008

President Faust, members of the Harvard Corporation and the Board of Overseers, members of the faculty, proud parents, and, above all, graduates…….

The first thing I would like to say is ‘thank you.’ Not only has Harvard given me an extra-ordinary honor, but the weeks of fear and nausea I’ve experienced at the thought of giving this commencement address have made me lose weight. A win-win situation! Now all I have to do is take deep breaths, squint at the red banners and fool myself into believing I am at the world’s best-educated Harry Potter convention.

Delivering a commencement address is a great responsibility; or so I thought until I cast my mind back to my own graduation. The commencement speaker that day was the distinguished British philosopher Baroness Mary Warnock. Reflecting on her speech has helped me enormously in writing this one, because it turns out that I can’t remember a single word she said. This liberating discovery enables me to proceed without any fear that I might inadvertently influence you to abandon promising careers in business, law or politics for the giddy delights of becoming a gay wizard.

You see? If all you remember in years to come is the ‘gay wizard’ joke, I’ve still come out ahead of Baroness Mary Warnock. Achievable goals: the first step towards personal improvement.

Actually, I have wracked my mind and heart for what I ought to say to you today. I have asked myself what I wish I had known at my own graduation, and what important lessons I have learned in the 21 years that has expired between that day and this.

I have come up with two answers. On this wonderful day when we are gathered together to celebrate your academic success, I have decided to talk to you about the benefits of failure. And as you stand on the threshold of what is sometimes called ‘real life’, I want to extol the crucial importance of imagination.

These might seem quixotic or paradoxical choices, but please bear with me.

Looking back at the 21-year-old that I was at graduation, is a slightly uncomfortable experience for the 42-year-old that she has become. Half my lifetime ago, I was striking an uneasy balance between the ambition I had for myself, and what those closest to me expected of me.

I was convinced that the only thing I wanted to do, ever, was to write novels. However, my parents, both of whom came from impoverished backgrounds and neither of whom had been to college, took the view that my overactive imagination was an amusing personal quirk that could never pay a mortgage, or secure a pension.

They had hoped that I would take a vocational degree; I wanted to study English Literature. A compromise was reached that in retrospect satisfied nobody, and I went up to study Modern Languages. Hardly had my parents’ car rounded the corner at the end of the road than I ditched German and scuttled off down the Classics corridor.

I cannot remember telling my parents that I was studying Classics; they might well have found out for the first time on graduation day. Of all subjects on this planet, I think they would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology when it came to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

I would like to make it clear, in parenthesis, that I do not blame my parents for their point of view. There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you.

What is more, I cannot criticize my parents for hoping that I would never experience poverty. They had been poor themselves, and I have since been poor, and I quite agree with them that it is not an ennobling experience.

Poverty entails fear, and stress, and sometimes depression; it means a thousand petty humiliations and hardships. Climbing out of poverty by your own efforts, that is indeed something on which to pride yourself, but poverty itself is romanticized only by fools.

What I feared most for myself at your age was not poverty, but failure.
At your age, in spite of a distinct lack of motivation at university, where I had spent far too long in the coffee bar writing stories, and far too little time at lectures, I had a knack for passing examinations, and that, for years, had been the measure of success in my life and that of my peers.

I am not dull enough to suppose that because you are young, gifted and well-educated, you have never known hardship or heartbreak. Talent and intelligence never yet inoculated anyone against the caprice of the Fates, and I do not for a moment suppose that everyone here has enjoyed an existence of unruffled privilege and contentment.

However, the fact that you are graduating from Harvard suggests that you are not very well-acquainted with failure. You might be driven by a fear of failure quite as much as a desire for success. Indeed, your conception of failure might not be too far from the average person’s idea of success, so high have you already flown academically.

Ultimately, we all have to decide for ourselves what constitutes failure, but the world is quite eager to give you a set of criteria if you let it. So I think it fair to say that by any conventional measure, a mere seven years after my graduation day, I had failed on an epic scale.

An exceptionally short-lived marriage had imploded, and I was jobless, a lone parent, and as poor as it is possible to be in modern Britain, without being homeless. The fears my parents had had for me, and that I had had for myself, had both come to pass, and by every usual standard, I was the biggest failure I knew.

Now, I am not going to stand here and tell you that failure is fun. That period of my life was a dark one, and I had no idea that there was going to be what the press has since represented as a kind of fairy tale resolution. I had no idea how far the tunnel extended, and for a long time, any light at the end of it was a hope rather than a reality.

So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me.

Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had already been realized, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default. Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations.

Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected; I also found out that I had friends whose value was truly above rubies.

The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more to me than any qualification I ever earned.

Given a time machine or a Time Turner, I would tell my 21-year-old self that personal happiness lies in knowing that life is not a check-list of acquisition or achievement.

Your qualifications, your CV, are not your life, though you will meet many people of my age and older who confuse the two. Life is difficult, and complicated, and beyond anyone’s total control, and the humility to know that will enable you to survive its vicissitudes.

You might think that I chose my second theme, the importance of imagination, because of the part it played in rebuilding my life, but that is not wholly so. Though I will defend the value of bedtime stories to my last gasp, I have learned to value imagination in a much broader sense. Imagination is not only the uniquely human capacity to envision that which is not, and therefore the fount of all invention and innovation. In its arguably most transformative and revelatory capacity, it is the power that enables us to empathise with humans whose experiences we have never shared.

One of the greatest formative experiences of my life preceded Harry Potter, though it informed much of what I subsequently wrote in those books. This revelation came in the form of one of my earliest day jobs. Though I was sloping off to write stories during my lunch hours, I paid the rent in my early 20s by working in the research department at Amnesty International’s head-quarters in London.

There in my little office I read hastily scribbled letters smuggled out of totalitarian regimes by men and women who were risking imprisonment to inform the outside world of what was happening to them. I saw photographs of those who had disappeared without trace, sent to Amnesty by their desperate families and friends.

I read the testimony of torture victims and saw pictures of their injuries. I opened handwritten, eye-witness accounts of summary trials and executions, of kidnappings and rapes.

Many of my co-workers were ex-political prisoners, people who had been displaced from their homes, or fled into exile, because they had the temerity to think independently of their government. Visitors to our office included those who had come to give information, or to try and find out what had happened to those they had been forced to leave behind.

I shall never forget the African torture victim, a young man no older than I was at the time, who had become mentally ill after all he had endured in his homeland. He trembled uncontrollably as he spoke into a video camera about the brutality inflicted upon him. He was a foot taller than I was, and seemed as fragile as a child.

I was given the job of escorting him to the Underground Station afterwards, and this man whose life had been shattered by cruelty took my hand with exquisite courtesy, and wished me future happiness.

And as long as I live I shall remember walking along an empty corridor and suddenly hearing, from behind a closed door, a scream of pain and horror such as I have never heard since. The door opened, and the researcher poked out her head and told me to run and make a hot drink for the young man sitting with her. She had just given him the news that in retaliation for his own outspokenness against his country’s regime, his mother had been seized and executed.

Every day of my working week in my early 20s I was reminded how incredibly fortunate I was, to live in a country with a democratically elected government, where legal representation and a public trial were the rights of everyone.

Every day, I saw more evidence about the evils humankind will inflict on their fellow humans, to gain or maintain power. I began to have nightmares, literal nightmares, about some of the things I saw, heard and read.

And yet I also learned more about human goodness at Amnesty International than I had ever known before.

Amnesty mobilizes thousands of people who have never been tortured or imprisoned for their beliefs to act on behalf of those who have. The power of human empathy, leading to collective action, saves lives, and frees prisoners. Ordinary people, whose personal well-being and security are assured, join together in huge numbers to save people they do not know, and will never meet. My small participation in that process was one of the most humbling and inspiring experiences of my life.

Unlike any other creature on this planet, humans can learn and understand, without having experienced. They can think themselves into other people’s minds, imagine themselves into other people’s places.

Of course, this is a power, like my brand of fictional magic, that is morally neutral. One might use such an ability to manipulate, or control, just as much as to understand or sympathise.

And many prefer not to exercise their imaginations at all. They choose to remain comfortably within the bounds of their own experience, never troubling to wonder how it would feel to have been born other than they are. They can refuse to hear screams or to peer inside cages; they can close their minds and hearts to any suffering that does not touch them personally; they can refuse to know.

I might be tempted to envy people who can live that way, except that I do not think they have any fewer nightmares than I do. Choosing to live in narrow spaces can lead to a form of mental agoraphobia, and that brings its own terrors. I think the willfully unimaginative see more monsters. They are often more afraid.

What is more, those who choose not to empathize may enable real monsters. For without ever committing an act of outright evil ourselves, we collude with it, through our own apathy.

One of the many things I learned at the end of that Classics corridor down which I ventured at the age of 18, in search of something I could not then define, was this, written by the Greek author Plutarch: What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.

That is an astonishing statement and yet proven a thousand times every day of our lives. It expresses, in part, our inescapable connection with the outside world, the fact that we touch other people’s lives simply by existing.

But how much more are you, Harvard graduates of 2008, likely to touch other people’s lives? Your intelligence, your capacity for hard work, the education you have earned and received, give you unique status, and unique responsibilities. Even your nationality sets you apart. The great majority of you belong to the world’s only remaining superpower. The way you vote, the way you live, the way you protest, the pressure you bring to bear on your government, has an impact way beyond your borders. That is your privilege, and your burden.

If you choose to use your status and influence to raise your voice on behalf of those who have no voice; if you choose to identify not only with the powerful, but with the powerless; if you retain the ability to imagine yourself into the lives of those who do not have your advantages, then it will not only be your proud families who celebrate your existence, but thousands and millions of people whose reality you have helped transform for the better. We do not need magic to change the world, we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already: we have the power to imagine better.

I am nearly finished. I have one last hope for you, which is something that I already had at 21. The friends with whom I sat on graduation day have been my friends for life. They are my children’s godparents, the people to whom I’ve been able to turn in times of trouble, friends who have been kind enough not to sue me when I’ve used their names for Death Eaters. At our graduation we were bound by enormous affection, by our shared experience of a time that could never come again, and, of course, by the knowledge that we held certain photographic evidence that would be exceptionally valuable if any of us ran for Prime Minister.

So today, I can wish you nothing better than similar friendships. And tomorrow, I hope that even if you remember not a single word of mine, you remember those of Seneca, another of those old Romans I met when I fled down the Classics corridor, in retreat from career ladders, in search of ancient wisdom: As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters.

I wish you all very good lives.

Thank you very much.

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Some time back when I was helping my MIL prepare some of the worship items for Charlie’s grandmother’s death anniversary, my MIL was telling me about some relative’s experience with their dead daughter’s spirit.  We were folding up the shiny bits of paper into shapes that resemble gold ingots from the olden days of Chinese history.  During the worship session, the paper gold ingots are burned as a means of transferring them to the spirit world so that the dead have money to buy the things they need.  You can also burn other things, like paper clothes, paper shoes and paper cars so that the dead have clothes to wear and a car to get around the afterlife in. 

My MIL was telling me that nowadays you could even buy paper bras to burn for the dead if you wanted to and they even come in different sizes!  She remarked that she thought this was a bit much and I naturally agreed.  Even burning the paper seemed a bit silly to me, although I got into the swing of pyromania pretty easily because I’ve always found it interesting to see flames and burning paper. 

Perhaps my MIL felt bad for ridiculing the beliefs of her religion, but she proceeded to tell me a story about some relatives.  This ceremony of burning things for the dead can only be performed by the live children in honour of their dead parents.  In the event where a child’s demise preceeds the parents, the parents are not allowed to burn things for their child’s use in the afterlife.  In the case of our relatives, the daughter passed away before the parents.  Being unable to burn things for her, my MIL said the dead daughter’s spirit returned to tell her parents that she was suffering in the afterlife because she had no money to buy food or clothes.  Since the parents can’t do the offerings, her sibblings had to burn the paper money and clothes for her.

As my MIL related that story to me, I merely nodded acceptingly, deciding that it was not worth the argument to dispute what our relatives experienced.  The whole time I listened, though, I was extremely skeptical.  I realise that this is the stance I switch into whenever I hear stories about spirits in this world.  It probably seems odd that I am a Christian, though more and more, I fear that there is a part of me that believes that nothing happens after we die.  We merely cease to exist.

Despite hearing from time to time about people who are more “sensitive” to spirits in our world, never having had a personal experience of my own to relate to, I can’t help the skepticism with which I view the subject.  Although I listen accommodatingly and I never openly dispute the experiences of others, the scientist in me finds logical explainations of what really happened.

It has also occured to me that perhaps I don’t want to believe because I fear such things.  The idea that spirits move around with us isn’t a particularly pleasant one in my book, even if they are friendly ones.

Even though I think it would be nice to have something to go to after we die, I question whether such a place exists to accommodate the growing number of souls that travel there.  I mean, even on Earth, our growing population is sapping the resources of our world.  Surely the afterlife (if it even exists) would have long since exhausted their resources with the never ending influx of souls when no souls leave?

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Here we go… the answer to an earlier post:

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How true… We often say a lot of inappropriate things when we are motivated by emotions.

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“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sometimes I feel like I don’t know who I am any more. I move through life like a log flowing down a river. I avoid running against the grain of life whenever possible just so I can maintain the harmony in my life. Yet it is a life I am not happy to be living.

So which is better? To placidly go about life morose and sullen or to go about kicking and screaming yet remaining true to myself? Perhaps I have already answered my own question.

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Isn’t that always the way? In life we reject the things that come too easily. We don’t want the ones that want us. We want the ones that don’t want us. When the ones we don’t want no longer want us, we want them back. When the ones we want decide they want us, we no longer want them.

What a paradoxical little world we live in. If only we could learn to be content with what we have, then perhaps everyone will be a little happier in life.

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A good reminder to myself - a person who always feels a need to explain myself…

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Here’s a contentious topic if there ever was one…

In a traditional Chinese family, living with the parents or parents in laws even during the early years of marriage is an “expected” thing to do. Well, at least the older generation certainly expects it. However, with the inception of the nuclear family and the younger generations all wanting independence arises a clash of expectations leading to disappointments and frustrations deep within the hearts of each family member.

Now if we were all like-minded, there probaby wouldn’t be any issues at all. This conflict would only occur if the parents maintain their traditional expectations in the face of the “children” wanting to live on their own.

When the hubby and I first decided to get married, we agreed that we were going to live on our own. Even though I was largely brought up in a Western society, I still believe in fulfilling the filial duty of looking after our parents in their old age. So it was agreed that we would live on our own during the early years and my in laws would move in with us in time to come.

Perhaps my mistake was in not defining what “in time to come” meant. Was it two years, five years, or ten years? Was it when the children came or when they were grown up?

Well, now that we have Gavin, the conflict has begun. The hubby wants us to move in with his parents so they can help us out and spend time with Gavin. Whilst I don’t object to the idea of the grandparents having more time with Gavin, a part of me feels injured by the insinuation that I am not capable of looking after my own son on my own. And even though I have read in “The Happiest Toddler on the Block” that Harvey Karp also debunks the concept of the nuclear family, there is a part of me that still feels we should begin on our own.

The irony is that I grew up in a family that believes in the nuclear family. My family was a nuclear family. Nearly all my relatives and the friends of my parents follow this philosophy as well.

Well I suppose that point of view is now mute since we are moving back in with my in laws.

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Occasionally, just occasionally, I still think about the other paths I might have taken in life - the solitary roads that might have led me to a different world from the one that I exist in currently. People talk about not having regrets and honestly, I don’t have any. I only have to think of the little one inside my belly to bring me back to the path that I am on and I don’t regret for a minute being who I am and where I am.

What I refer to on those “occasions” of wondering is just an expression of my innate curiousity about how life might have been had I followed a different path. It is merely a reflection of my childhood habits when I would read those “Choose Your Own Adventure” books until I had followed every adventure to its end. Sometimes, when I find myself in a large park or garden, I would take every trail just to see where it led to. When I am at a buffet or an ice cream parlour, the same goes with all the different flavours - I never wanted to leave without having tasted as many varieties as I could.

It was more a desire to experience as much of life as I could in my short existence on this beautiful planet rather than a fear of loss of what I might be missing out. Hence when I reflect, it is not a reflection of regret, because the path I am on is just exciting. It is one that I wouldn’t want to miss for the world. I’ve come to a point in life where it is no longer possible to follow every adventure to its end, but that doesn’t mean that the adventure has ended. On the contrary, it seems there are now even more adventures to embark on - far too many than any one person could ever experience in one lifetime.

Perhaps the acceptance of this fact lessens the moments of reflections. My “occasions” are now usually limited to the times when I encounter another who holds the same aspirations I once had in my past. Whilst I don’t feel regret having taken the path that I have, I feel a sense of bonding and understanding for those individuals. I can identify with their anguish of being denied the chance to pursue their dreams.

For me, I was given a choice and I chose this path. For them, they are deterred from the paths they might have preferred. This I fear will only create resentment and regret because they were stripped of the autonomy of choice.

In discovering this understanding inside of me, I have come to realise that both the hubby and I live with very differing schools of thought. As different as we are, we have managed to find some middle ground that we can both walk upon in harmony. What I forsee is that our differences may arise yet again when our children are grown and it is time for them to chart their own course.

Part II - On Raising Children

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