The Household COO

…because, let’s face it - we all need it once in a while.

Following is an old joke I remembered which I thought was rather amusing.  It came about because one of hubby’s ex-Uni mates was coming to town and the hubby was going to be entertaining him.  Being an old friend from Uni - the days of pub crawls and partying all night - he automatically fell under the category of “undesirable” companions.

It is ironic how friends that used to be “fun” back in the days of Uni can become unsavoury once one is married and supposedly responsible for the family.  That said, T seems to have cleaned up pretty well and taken a full 180 degree change from what hubby remembers of him from Uni, so perhaps he might just cross over to the “acceptable” companions category after all…

I digress… so here’s the joke:

A man comes home one night roaring drunk.  The next morning, he finds his clothes neatly pressed and a warm breakfast waiting for him. 

Confused, he asked his son what happened the previous night when he got home.

His son replied, “You came home drunk but when Mum tried to undress you, you screamed, ‘Get away from me woman!  I’m already married!’”

One of hubby’s and my favourite passtimes before we had Gavin was to head out to the cinemas for a movie.  When I become pregnant, our friends who had a baby before us told us to watch as many movies as possible before I delivered because there would be no more movies for a good long while once the baby was born.

Indeed, I have yet to see a movie in the cinema since I had Gavin.  Restricted to home DVDs on muted volumes and reading subtitles so we wouldn’t disturb the baby, it hasn’t quite had the same effect as watching it in the cinema.  While movies like 27 Dresses and What Happens in Vegas are perfectly watchable on the home TV, you really have to watch something like this on the big screen:

Yup, it’s the Mummy 3.  It’s scheduled for release in January 2008.  Gavin will be two by then so I wonder if Mummy and Daddy will be able to sneak out to enjoy a movie date? 

They say that all the spontaneous spark flies out the window when you have a toddler.  Indeed, all our plans revolve around how the little one will take it.  So how’s this for advance date planning - a movie date seven months in advance? 

I’m probably rather late in posting about this but anyway, here’s the other trailer:

Rob Cohen also has a production blog complete with pictures and various details about the movie.  It looks great, but I’m a little disappointed to see that Rachel Weiss won’t be back to reprise the role of Evelyn.

Before we got married, I told the hubby I wanted a Church ceremony.  Part of that ceremony requires the attendance to a see a Marriage Family Counselor.  Many people, like the hubby probably feel offended by the idea of getting a third party to step in and help a couple discuss relationship issues.  As the hubby put it, “What have they got to say that I don’t already know?”  Unfortunately, having an arrogant attitude like that is exactly the reason why a third party is necessary. 

Being an outsider, Marriage Counselors can bring up subjects that might be difficult to raise between a couple.  Since they have loads more experience, they can direct the couple through potential difficulties in the road that lies ahead.  I, for one, was quite keen to attend counseling session even if the hubby thought it a complete waste of time.  Regrettably, we never made it to one - regrettably, because I never pushed hard enough for us to attend one.

I would be lying if I said that the hubby and I never had any problems.  Indeed, we often have our little tiffs and blow ups.  It’s hard enough just between the two of us without having his parents or my parents getting into the picture.  Since my parents are usually in Australia, it’s more his parents than mine.  Although the potency of my parents probably make up for their infrequency.  But I digress…  It seems sometimes that what the hubby and I really need is to go on a Marriage Retreat.  Indeed, at times, it is about all I can do to stay in this marriage and not walk out.  I feel like throwing everything I ever listened to from Wayne Dyer out the window and tell the hubby to go shove it where the sun don’t shine. 

We somehow always seem to make it through the rough patches but the problem is that we always seem to fight about the same things.  We make up and brush everything under the carpet until the next tornado comes along and blasts that carpet away.  It always seems that the people who need to attend Marriage Family Counseling are those who are on the brink of divorce if something major doesn’t change soon and fast, but perhaps it needs to happen sooner to prevent couples from getting one step away from signing on the dotted line? 

The big question is when is it time to get professional help and what is just normal marriage squabble?

After getting typed again for my Myers-Briggs personality, I discovered an interesting site that you can use to determine to suitability of your companion to yourself based on the Jung-Myers-Briggs personality type.

So if you’re married and curious or single and wondering, you might want to check it out:

Jung Marriage Test

Unfortunately, it’s not free, though.  It costs $5 to check your compatibility.  Then again, what’s $5 to a lifetime of happiness, no? 

It’s also worth noting that if you’re already in a relationship, you can still encourage longevity in your relationship by understanding your partner’s personality type and learning how best to communicate with each other.  When my cousin typed me and the hubby, she also gave me a sheet that suggests how best to speak to someone of my hubby’s personality type. 

A further understanding of the Myers-Briggs Personality Types demonstrates the root of many of our fights - a lack of understanding of how the other thinks and communicates. 

Something interesting I received a long time ago and thought it wise to keep. Funny thing is, I completely forgot all about it when I was busy choosing my life partner. After reading through it again, I think the advice Heller provides is very sound and practical. If you’re thinking about getting married, these are some great questions you should be asking yourself.

5 Golden Rules For Finding Your Life Partner
by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.

A relationship coach lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the prospects of long-term success. When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr/Ms Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re getting married, they’ll say: “We’re in love.” I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date.

Choosing a life partner should never be based on love (alone). Though this may sound not politically correct, there’s a profound truth here. Love (alone) is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: You can’t build a lifetime relationship on love
alone. You need a lot more.

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you’re serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you’re married for 20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a
common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart. Fifty percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life - bottom line - and marry someone who wants
the same thing.

QUESTION #2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust i.e. trust that I won’t get “punished” or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel motionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3: Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions: Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as “someone who is always
striving to be good and do the right thing.” So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the
world: People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this,
think about the following:

1) How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi driver etc?
2) How do they treat parents and siblings?
3) Do they have gratitude and appreciation?
4) Do they show respect?

If they don’t have gratitude for the people who have given them everything, you cannot expect that they’ll have gratitude for you - who can’t do nearly as much for them! Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION #5: Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person after
we’re married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to “improve” them after they’re married. As a colleague of mine puts it, “You can probably expect someone to change after marriage…for the worse!” If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.

Falling in love is a great feeling but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don’t want to find yourself in trouble because you didn’t do your homework.

In the movie Before Sunrise, the character Celine makes a comment about an elderly couple fighting on the train that runs something along the lines of:

“That’s how marriages last - as the woman grows older, she becomes deaf to low frequency sounds and as the man grows older, he becomes deaf to high frequency sounds so they can both shout each other and neither will hear what the other is saying.”

I used to think it was amusing. Now I’m wondering about the truth to it because I seriously think my hearing to low frequency sounds is started to get impaired…

A couple of days ago, I was watching the movie “The Last Kiss” with my SIL. It is about a group of thirty somethings who don’t seem to have it quite together for the next stage of their lives - marriage and children. If you ask me, it’s more about the men who haven’t quite gotten it together.

There are so many of these films about men who are commitment phobic and reluctant to take the plunge to get married. Is that really true? Are most men really afraid of settling down and tying the knot? Because it doesn’t really seem to be the case among the people I know.

In my own personal case, it was I who was the one that wasn’t quite ready to settle down rather than the hubby. It seems to be that way also with a number of my girlfriends. So why does Hollywood portray women as the ones that are pushing hard for marriage and commitment while the men are trying to run as fast as they can in the opposite direction?