The Household COO

The following post was originally written in Babylicious.  It has been copied here because having a Pui-Yuet for a month was another Chinese tradition I had to get accustomed to after I got married. 

If you have read any of my previous confinement posts, you may be aware that it is common practice in Asia for a “pui-yuet” (companion for the month) to live in with the new family to help look after mother and baby in the first month after delivery. This is an age-old practice that continues to provide a lot of benefits to both mother and child. The only problem in recent times is the difficulty of finding a good pui-yuet.

I’ll be the first to admit that I wasn’t keen on the idea of having a stranger live in my house and look after my newborn son and myself. After being forced to endure “the month”, I have to say that having a pui-yuet isn’t without its benefits. For instance, after breastfeeding the baby at night, she was there to burp Gavin, change his diaper and put him back to sleep while I got some much needed rest. Breastfed babies feed every two to three hours after birth, so poor Mummy would probably not get any rest at all if she had to do all these things on her own. Since Mummy is still recovering from the delivery, rest is a good thing to have.

In the months leading up to my delivery, we were looking high and low for a pui-yuet to look after Gavin and me. I heard a lot of horror stories about pui-yuets who didn’t respect the mothers right to breastfeed, who demanded obscene amounts of money, who ate the nourishing confinement foods that were supposed to given to the mother, and the list goes on. None of these stories did anything to allay my gripes about having a pui-yuet in my house.

When my MIL finally found a pui-yuet for me, they spoke at length to ensure that this pui-yuet would not give us any of the nonsense we had heard about. We also wanted to make sure that she was clear on her responsibilities. Since the pui-yuet came highly recommended by a relative, we were a little more relaxed.

Due to my confinement overlapping Chinese New Year, I only had my pui-yuet for three weeks. Actually, it was probably more like two weeks because I spent much of the first week in the hospital with Gavin who was jaundiced. Aside from a few misunderstandings, things with my pui-yuet went quite well - well enough for me to recommend her to a friend of mine who was delivering her baby in Australia and looking for hired help.

After the things my friend told me that she did, I feel terrible that I recommended her. For instance, she demanded her own TV from my friend so she could watch her Chinese soaps. Then when they were shopping, the pui-yuet would ask my friend and her mother to buy her some t-shirts she wanted to buy and when it came to the payment of those t-shirts, she told my friend to take the money from the “red packet”.

Let me clarify this point for those who are not in the know. Aside from the payment for the pui-yuet’s services, some expect a red packet. The red packet is a token amount of the MIL’s choice that is given to the pui-yuet at the end of the month. As far as I understand, the symbolism of the red pack is to balance the “good will” - something akin to “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours”. When the pui-yuet comes to help the new family, it is considered that she is doing a favour to the family (even though she gets paid for it). In the Chinese culture, a favour that is given (whether in the form of a gift or an action) must always be returned.

According to my MIL, it is only in more recent times that a red packet is given. Historically, what the pui-yuet is given is an outfit for her to wear. The substitution of the outfit with the red packet is one of convenience. It is also worth noting that since we had our pui-yuet during Chinese New Year, she is also supposed to be given a red packet because the occasion demands it. Yup, Chinese New Year is a very expensive time of year to hire a pui-yuet. Not only do you have to give her two red packets but you also have to pay her double because it’s like working through Christmas.

Much of the problems with pui-yuets lie with the fact that a lot of these arrangements are made by word of mouth. Often there are no written credentials for you to check her out capabilities and you don’t get to test her until the day your baby is born. There are also no written agreements for the work she is required to do. Since there are a lot of unspoken rules with pui-yuets that one wouldn’t know unless you were familiar with the culture, it often gives rise to misunderstandings during the month.

Here are some of those unspoken rules and expectations:

1. A pui-yuet is only responsible for the mother and baby. Any work outside of those responsibilities are not part of her duty. That means, she isn’t required to do any housework except wash the clothes that belong to the mother and baby, and the dishes that were used by the mother and baby. That also means she doesn’t have to cook for the father, wash his clothes or anything else that belongs to the father. Some pui yuets will do housework if you are willing to pay them extra.

2. A pui-yuet’s responsibilities does not include her own meals. Some pui yuets will overlook this point but the more picky ones will expect their meals to be provided for them. Some picky ones will also expect more money if they are required to cook for themselves.

3. A pui-yuet is employed for 28 days. It commences on the day the baby is born and ends on the day of the baby’s full moon. Even if mother and baby are still at the hospital and cannot be discharged, the one month count-down has begun and the pui-yuet’s time is ticking.

4. As mentioned earlier, a pui-yuet that is hired for a month that includes Chinese New Year has to be paid double. An additional red packet is also given for Chinese New Year.

5. At the end of the month, a red packet is given to the pui-yuet as a token of appreciation for her efforts (this is additional to the amount agreed upon for her services for the month). There is no stipulated amount - it works a little like a tip. The happier you are with her services the more you can put inside the red packet - usually $100 - $200. Unlike a tip, you still have to give her something even if you think her services are poor, you just give her less. I think a red packet containing $1 shouts volumes about what you thought of her services.

6. According to the traditional hierarchy, the pui-yuet is only answerable to the MIL. This goes even if the person paying for the pui-yuet happens to be the father or the mother. Even though I was aware of this, I was still surprised to hear from my friend that the pui-yuet was more accommodating when her MIL gave the instructions but completely ignored her own mother. It was quite amusing to note as well that when my MIL was standing watch over my pui-yuet as she changed Gavin’s diaper, her normally calm and experienced manner with which she handled him was suddenly all thumbs.

7. For whatever reason, if you discharge the pui-yuet early, she still has to be paid the full amount agreed upon unless it was a mutual agreement to part ways before the end of the month. For instance, in my case, we decided we didn’t need the pui-yuet after Chinese New Year and she herself wanted to take on another job that would overlap with mine if she were to finish the month with me. We agreed to pro-rate her pay and part ways.

There are also a few additional points that a new mother ought to be aware of when she looks for a pui-yuet which have nothing to do with tradition. From my understanding, most pui-yuets are not in favour of breast-feeding so it is best to be clear on your desire to breastfeed during your preliminary discussions. Please do not end up like a friend of mine who lamented to me that the result of her inability to breastfeed was due to her pui-yuet who sabotaged her efforts to breastfeed.

It is speculated that pui-yuets do not encourage breastfeeding because of the increased night duty involved. Breastfed babies are thought to require more night time responsibilities such as frequent stirrings for night feeds and diaper changes. Don’t quote me on this - it is just a theory.

Pui-yuets also have their own way of doing things so if you have a specific way you want your baby to be bathed or handled, it is best to get this cleared up front to avoid battles during the month when you will be in no condition to argue your point. It is unfortunate but pui-yuets tend to bully the new mother if there are any disagreements on how the baby should be handled. This is a time when a stern talk from the MIL will come in handy.

The best way to avoid an unpleasantness is to discuss everything and outline your expectations before agreeing to sign on the pui-yuet. Hash out any potential problems you can anticipate before the actual month takes place. If your mother or MIL is engaging the pui-yuet on your behalf, make sure you meet her before hand because you are the one who has to live with her. One month is a long time to be with someone you don’t get along with.

What can I say? I never was any good at this. I think my friend phrased it best when he said, “I’m not openly rebellious. I’m just silently disobedient.”

Even though my MIL understands that I’m not going to be able to adhere to the strict rule of not washing my hair (she never adhered to it either), I think she was still thinking more of me washing my hair once every five or six days. I’m afraid I struggle to go more than two days without washing my hair.

I have this “clean” obsession with certain aspects of my life. I think it began during my University days when I had dissection practicals during anatomy. After spending a whole day cutting up cadavers and reeking of formalin, I guess I’d develop this association with my clothes as being “contaminated”. One part of my “clean” obsession involves my bed. I have a compulsive need to take a shower before bedtime because I can’t bear to go to bed “dirty”.

As you can see, that’s where I hit a snag with my hair… There’s no way I’m going to be able to sleep if the best I can do is wash my hair once every five or six days. As a compromise, I even got myself a hairdryer and promised to blowdry my hair after washing it during my confinement period (the one month post-delivery). I guess I’m going to have to feign deaf ears if the nagging starts. The one good thing about not being able to understand Chinese is that the confinement lady will not be able to nag me…

After all the debates on this topic, I’m finally going to have a confinement lady. I figure that this is one of those things where it is just easier to accept and endure it than to have to listen to the constant nagging that I don’t know how to take care of myself postnatally.

On the request of my MIL, I borrowed the confinement cookbook that my aunt used when she nursed my cousin in Australia after the delivery of the baby. After flicking through the book, I have noticed a discernible lack of beef dishes and I’m wondering if that has something to do with religious connotations of beef or a confinement belief that beef is bad for new mothers. I did see one or two beef dishes in another confinement cookbook while browsing through MPH so perhaps beef has been omitted from this particularly cookbook for religious reasons.

Some of the dishes look okay, but I have serious reservations over the ones containing pig spareparts (liver, kidneys, trotters, tripe and offals) and fish maw. The book also encourages the consumption of ginger, to which my MIL has agreed that I don’t have to eat it as long as I allowed my food to be cooked with it.

The cook book also contains a short but interesting segment about the purpose of the confinement period. After pregnancy, the mother’s uterus has expanded from the size of a pear to the size of a large winter melon. The main function of the confinement period, therefore, is to nurture the new mother’s body back to its prenatal form. The belief is that if the mother does not take care during this time, she will be predisposing herself to ailments that will surface later on in life.

Historically, it has always been the duty of the MIL to take care of the new mother. Part of the reason MILs were keen for their DILs to recover quickly was so that they could conceive again and possibly add another name to the ancestral line. There is also a traditional belief that new mothers were not allowed to come into contact with their own parents because of the “stale blood” and “evil wind” inside their bodies which would bring bad luck to her family. Funny, if that were the case, then wouldn’t she also be bad luck to her in laws?

In some instances, families will employ a “pui-yuet” (meaning companion for a month) or confinement lady to look after the new mother and baby. Pui-yuets are usually middle-aged women who have a great deal of knowledge on postnatal matters through her own experiences.

Some of the strict confinement rules were briefly listed by the author based on her own confinement experience. She wasn’t allowed to wash her hair during the confinement period and she could only mop her body on certain days. She was not allowed to read or watch television because it would strain her eyes. The strict diet was enforced to help her remove the “stale blood” and “wind” from her system. She had to endure body binding and was made to rest as and when the pui-yuet commanded. She and her husband were also banned from having sex for 100 days after birth.

The author saw the merits of having a confinement lady because she was able to slip back into her pre-pregnancy clothes immediately after the confinement period. After glancing through the sample menu of what she was made to eat during her confinement period, I’m not particularly surprised. I think I would barely have been able to stomach half of what she was made to eat!

Okay, I know I’m being nasty and cynical but I admit, I am a sceptic when someone talks to me of “stale blood” and “wind”. I can already feel my eyes rolling to the back of my head and a sigh catching in my throat. I’m disinclined to believe things such as bathing a baby or touching water during the confinement period causing rheumatism later on in life. If there are people who believe this, it is their choice. I do not dictate what you should believe in. All I ask is that you do not dictate what I believe in.

Since this is one of those arguments one can never win, I shall employ a tactic recommended by Big Big Planet called TINROWA. Even though that tactic was recommended for internet arguments, I think it applies equally well for such instances.