The Household COO

Is it true that no matter what happens, MILs and DILs will never bond or have the kind of relationship that exists only on TV?

A friend recently told me that even though her boyfriend’s mother liked her and they got along “okay”, she never quite felt like she was entirely within the circle of trust. No matter what happened, she was still always the outsider.

It got me thinking and I’ve realised this was quite true for me as well. I get along just fine with my MIL and there is no animosity of any sort. When I started dating the hubby and when we decided to get married, she welcomed me with open arms. Unlike the movie “Monster in Law”, which is probably every woman’s deepest fear, I never had to go through anything like that.

I used to think it was just my personality that kept a distance between us. I’m quite an aloof person and getting close to people is not something I’m at ease with. I don’t exactly have a close relationship with my own mother who has known me since I was born so why on earth would I expect to have one with someone I’ve only known for a couple of years?

But in spite of the sometimes estranged relationship that I have with my mother, we still have a closer relationship than I could ever hope to have with my MIL. It may have taken us my whole upbringing for my mother and I to come to the easy existence we have now, but at least we understand each other and we accept each other as we are.

Though I had originally thought that it my own personal issues with intimacy that resulted in the relationship that we have, living with my in laws has made me realise I cannot claim all the credit, or the lack of, for creating the gap between my MIL and I. The fact remains I am not within the circle of trust.

I’m sure the hubby will tell me I’m being silly and that my MIL adores me otherwise why would she have gone through the trouble of making nourishing food for me to consume when I was pregnant? Well, I’m not debating that my MIL has a genuine concern for my well-being. What I’m trying to point out is that there still remains an invisible barrier and exists between every MIL and DIL. That barrier is just thicker between some MILs and DILs than others.

How do I know that I’m not in the circle of trust? The most obvious is when she speaks to the hubby in Hokkien about matters that should involve me (for instance, my son’s welfare) even though I’m also at the dining table. We all know I barely understand a word of Hokkien and my MIL is fluent in English. Other times she will tell the hubby in Hokkien to tell me to do something even though she’s sitting opposite of me and is fully able to tell me so herself.

My MIL often does not directly ask me for help. She usually asks my husband to ask me for help. If she is reluctant to trouble me, that reluctance speaks louder than words that I am not in the circle of trust. When she does talk to me about her concerns, I find it hard to understand what her real concerns are because it is as though she speaks to me in riddles and assumes I’ll understand the hidden meaning when clearly I do not.

In psychology, we learned about mother-son and father-daughter relationships. For a mother who has been the only woman in her son’s eyes up until the age when he starts dating, I guess it’s often hard to totally let go. No matter how hard she tries, there will be a part of her that sees her son’s girlfriend or wife as the person who has taken away her son. Likewise for fathers it will be their daughter’s boyfriend or husband who takes away their little girl. And even though some parents will accept this change more readily than others, there will always remain a barrier.

It is true because I’ve seen the hubby struggling in his relationship with my father. It has always been my father who had issues with my past boyfriends and never my mother, while it would be my brother’s girlfriends who would have difficulties with my mother.

I guess when my own son grows up and gets married, only then will I finally understand my MIL.

This entry was posted on Saturday, April 28th, 2007 at 6:02 pm and is filed under daughter in law, mother in law, relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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