“When I have no time for me, I have no time for anyone.”

As a SAHM, finding a block of time that I can completely dedicate to myself with minimal interruptions is rather rare. In order to fulfil this need, I started to stay up after Gavin had gone to bed so I can spend some time writing, reading or just surfing the internet.

Although it means I usually get less sleep, I find filling this need for personal time just as important as getting sleep. On the nights when I am too tired to stay up or if I didn’t get a chance to go online for whatever reasons, I tend to veer off into two different modes during the day. I either feel more agitated and irritated easily, or I start to feel listless and a meaninglessness of my existence. And when I feel either of these emotions, I am unable to give the best of myself to the people I love.

Of course, to say that my existence is meaningless tends to diminish the importance of my son, but in no way do I mean that. If he weren’t so important to me, I would be off conquering the world and chasing after my career like the ambitious Type A personality that I am. Yet, at the same time, when I was on my own chasing careers and rock climbing grades, there was also a lack of meaning in my life.

I guess what I’m saying is that I need balance in order to feel fulfilled and to lead a meaningful life - at least one that is meaningful to me anyway. By balance, I’m referring to a need for personal time, personal achievements and of course family time. As a professional Mum, I don’t have any problems managing the latter, but it’s the first two aspects that I find difficult to fit into my life.

In an attempt to kill two birds with one stone, I try to combine my personal time with some sort of personal achievement. For instance, I spend my personal time blogging because I love to write and having something published online (no matter how trivial it might at sometimes) is about as big a personal achievement as I’m likely to get right about now. With the stigma on SAHMs being quite useless and brainless - at least that’s the impression that is conveyed to me whenever I write down “profession: homemaker” - I’ll relish whatever achievements I can pat myself on the back for and live up whatever past laurels I can hold on to just to stay sane.

It’s difficult to articulate how I feel about being a SAHM. When working Mum friends tell me how luck I am to be able to stay home with my son, I have to agree that I am blessed. But for those to think I get to stay home and do nothing, I seriously beg to differ. Raising a child is exhausting because you have to be a playmate, a companion, a teacher and a mother all at once. And when you have to do this all day and be on call all night, even the most dedicated mother needs a break from time to time just to stay sane.

Choosing to raise a high-needs toddler with a responsive parenting style, especially when he demands a lot of my time, creativity and patience, has been a very enriching experience and it has also taught me a lot about myself. However, it has also made me aware of how important “me” time is. “Me” time is a chance for me to reflect on my experiences, to think about more complex adult issues, and to dream. When I have “me” time, I find myself to be more energised, more willing to give and generally, a happier person.

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I’ve always been the sort of person that likes to go shopping knowing exactly what I want.  I walk into a shop and if they have what I want, I buy it and then I go home.  No messing around, no fussing, no bargaining - okay, maybe a little of the latter.  I don’t like to waste time and if it’s what I want, I’m not going to gripe about the price so long as it isn’t exorbitant.

I’ve also heard about people who go shopping just because going shopping makes them happy.  They love to come home with their purchases and buying, in general, makes them happy.  Although I could never really understand it, I accepted the fact that some people are just different.

Since having a child of my own, I have learned to delay gratification and curb the “buy because I want it” impulse.  I guess being responsible for someone and having little eyes watch my behaviour has been a good influence on me. 

Lately, I have been eyeing this set of Signing Time DVDs which I have been eager to add to my son’s collection of educational DVDs:

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For some time now, all I’ve done is browse the website and look at the products.  I confess I have been wanting to buy this for the last few months, but I’ve always stayed my hand because it is so pricey.  I bought a few of the DVDs and music CDs but that was about it. 

Recently, the hubby and I had one of those usual spats that husbands and wives normally go through and I found myself wondering back to this website.  I ended up buying the remaining DVDs from the first series that I didn’t have and the entire second series.  It cleaned out what I had left in my paypal account but I found myself going to sleep feeling surprisingly happy.

Is that what retail therapy does?

Although it’s depressing to see my paypal balance go back to zero, I can’t say that I am at all regretful over this purchase.  I suppose because it is something educational for Gavin and it is something I know he will enjoy.  All, the same, I don’t think I should make a habit of making such large purchases in future. 

Note to hubby - try not to get me mad, otherwise, I’ll be using your credit card for my next retail therapy session.  How’s that for incentive to keep the wife happy?

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When I first got pregnant, I had a terrible craving for 100Plus. I didn’t know why, but I noticed that when I drank it, the nausea subsided somewhat. After that, I would keep one of those 1.5L bottles at my side just in case a particularly nasty wave of nausea hit.

I didn’t know if it was the fizziness, the sourish tang or just an odd quirk that worked just for me, but it worked, so I kept the habit even when I got sick with food poisoning and felt nauseous.

It was only after visiting the doctor after developing a case of food poisoning, who then recommended I take 100Plus for the nausea that I realise why it worked. According to the doctor, it is the electrolytes in 100Plus that helps to reduce the nausea.

So there you have it: taking 100Plus for nausea is not just a young wife’s tale, but a medical fact.

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Today is officially my third day of being plastic-bag free, but since I didn’t go out yesterday, technically, today is the second day I have helped decline a plastic bag from shopping.  I went shopping with my SIL2 and brought out the bag my BFF gave me to help get me started on being bag free.  I also went online and bought myself another 5 bags from reusablebags.com which I’m planning to give to my SIL2 and my MIL so they can also go bag-free.

Reusablebags.com are having a special right now so you can get a Chicobag for $3.75 each.  If you’re not fussed about the colour, the black is cheaper than the other colours.  Plus if you buy five or more of the same colour, they have a special price for you. 

Chicobags fold up into a compact case that you can hook to your key chain, belt loops or handbag.  It’s so light and small, you could fit it easily into the glove box of your car or you pocket.  Go get one today!

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Ok, ok, so I’ve been quite good with the declining of plastic bags whenever it was unnecessary, but I can’t exactly say I’ve been plastic bag free like my BFF who has been going green and strong for some three months.  Although we have those green grocery bags from Safeway that my SIL bought for us to use, they are pretty bulky and rather cumbersome to carry around.  Usually I end up forgetting to bring it along and then we have to use the plastic bags provided by the supermarket.

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Recently, my BFF gave me a reusable bag she bought online from reusablebags.com which is much more practical because it folds up into a compact case that I can attach to my handbag.  Now I can bring it along with me everywhere and use it whenever I make a purchase. 

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Today was my first day experiencing the plastic bag free life - I went shopping with my son and declined two bags.  One small step for Mummy, another leap forward for the green life. 

On my BFF’s recommendation, I’m also pretty tempted to get one of these thermal sippy cups for Gavin:

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Currently, I’ve been using the plastic Avent bottles for Gavin - which is probably somewhat better than the water they give us from outside.  What I should start doing is bringing my own water for me, too - now that’s something I’ve been rather slack with.

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This is a very inspirational movie that also conveys the same message that I talked about in my previous post about not only surviving in the face of adversity but thriving.

http://www.finishstrongmovie.com/

What causes some people to rise above the enormous trials and challenges that are presented to them by life and others to fall so low that they never rise again?  It is their attitude, their decisions and their dreams.

This is a lesson I hope to impart to my son when he is old enough to understand so that he may not only face the challenges in his life with a positive attitude but that he can rise above whatever life throws at him.

Be like a phoenix, that we may rise magnificently from the ashes.

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This was forwarded to me through email by a friend.  It is a rather lengthy read but a good one so I have kept the entire speech in tact here. 

As with everything we read, there is always one or two points that we inevitably pick out that remains in our memories above and beyond everything else we have read or heard and this is most notably what sticks out in my mind:

  • the fact that her biggest failure was what drove JK Rowling to what she is today, and by her own admission, if it had not happened, she may not have accomplished what she has today - to think that the world might never have known a Harry Potter of Privet Drive if her marriage had succeeded…
  • the importance she places on imagination

In many ways, I identify a lot with her first point.  It was when I had to struggle the most that I achieved my greatest ambitions.  It was almost as if it is the challenge of adversity that drives me to achieve everything that I had once deemed impossible for the likes of one such as myself.  So perhaps what keeps me from achieving all that I desire is the lack of a disaster looming in the distance.  For want of better words - my life is too cushy right now.

As for the second point, where I see that playing a role is with the Law of Attraction.  For without and active imagination, how can you dream of the things you don’t think are possible?

I find this speech highly inspirational and I hope you find it so, too.  Very likely, you will pick up from it very differently and it will move you in different ways from me.  Whatever, the case, I hope it helps you in your endeavours in life.

J.K. Rowling, author of the best-selling Harry Potter book series, delivered this Commencement Address, “The Fringe Benefits of Failure, and the Importance of Imagination,” at the Annual Meeting of the Harvard Alumni Association.
Copyright of JK Rowling, June 2008

President Faust, members of the Harvard Corporation and the Board of Overseers, members of the faculty, proud parents, and, above all, graduates…….

The first thing I would like to say is ‘thank you.’ Not only has Harvard given me an extra-ordinary honor, but the weeks of fear and nausea I’ve experienced at the thought of giving this commencement address have made me lose weight. A win-win situation! Now all I have to do is take deep breaths, squint at the red banners and fool myself into believing I am at the world’s best-educated Harry Potter convention.

Delivering a commencement address is a great responsibility; or so I thought until I cast my mind back to my own graduation. The commencement speaker that day was the distinguished British philosopher Baroness Mary Warnock. Reflecting on her speech has helped me enormously in writing this one, because it turns out that I can’t remember a single word she said. This liberating discovery enables me to proceed without any fear that I might inadvertently influence you to abandon promising careers in business, law or politics for the giddy delights of becoming a gay wizard.

You see? If all you remember in years to come is the ‘gay wizard’ joke, I’ve still come out ahead of Baroness Mary Warnock. Achievable goals: the first step towards personal improvement.

Actually, I have wracked my mind and heart for what I ought to say to you today. I have asked myself what I wish I had known at my own graduation, and what important lessons I have learned in the 21 years that has expired between that day and this.

I have come up with two answers. On this wonderful day when we are gathered together to celebrate your academic success, I have decided to talk to you about the benefits of failure. And as you stand on the threshold of what is sometimes called ‘real life’, I want to extol the crucial importance of imagination.

These might seem quixotic or paradoxical choices, but please bear with me.

Looking back at the 21-year-old that I was at graduation, is a slightly uncomfortable experience for the 42-year-old that she has become. Half my lifetime ago, I was striking an uneasy balance between the ambition I had for myself, and what those closest to me expected of me.

I was convinced that the only thing I wanted to do, ever, was to write novels. However, my parents, both of whom came from impoverished backgrounds and neither of whom had been to college, took the view that my overactive imagination was an amusing personal quirk that could never pay a mortgage, or secure a pension.

They had hoped that I would take a vocational degree; I wanted to study English Literature. A compromise was reached that in retrospect satisfied nobody, and I went up to study Modern Languages. Hardly had my parents’ car rounded the corner at the end of the road than I ditched German and scuttled off down the Classics corridor.

I cannot remember telling my parents that I was studying Classics; they might well have found out for the first time on graduation day. Of all subjects on this planet, I think they would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology when it came to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

I would like to make it clear, in parenthesis, that I do not blame my parents for their point of view. There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you.

What is more, I cannot criticize my parents for hoping that I would never experience poverty. They had been poor themselves, and I have since been poor, and I quite agree with them that it is not an ennobling experience.

Poverty entails fear, and stress, and sometimes depression; it means a thousand petty humiliations and hardships. Climbing out of poverty by your own efforts, that is indeed something on which to pride yourself, but poverty itself is romanticized only by fools.

What I feared most for myself at your age was not poverty, but failure.
At your age, in spite of a distinct lack of motivation at university, where I had spent far too long in the coffee bar writing stories, and far too little time at lectures, I had a knack for passing examinations, and that, for years, had been the measure of success in my life and that of my peers.

I am not dull enough to suppose that because you are young, gifted and well-educated, you have never known hardship or heartbreak. Talent and intelligence never yet inoculated anyone against the caprice of the Fates, and I do not for a moment suppose that everyone here has enjoyed an existence of unruffled privilege and contentment.

However, the fact that you are graduating from Harvard suggests that you are not very well-acquainted with failure. You might be driven by a fear of failure quite as much as a desire for success. Indeed, your conception of failure might not be too far from the average person’s idea of success, so high have you already flown academically.

Ultimately, we all have to decide for ourselves what constitutes failure, but the world is quite eager to give you a set of criteria if you let it. So I think it fair to say that by any conventional measure, a mere seven years after my graduation day, I had failed on an epic scale.

An exceptionally short-lived marriage had imploded, and I was jobless, a lone parent, and as poor as it is possible to be in modern Britain, without being homeless. The fears my parents had had for me, and that I had had for myself, had both come to pass, and by every usual standard, I was the biggest failure I knew.

Now, I am not going to stand here and tell you that failure is fun. That period of my life was a dark one, and I had no idea that there was going to be what the press has since represented as a kind of fairy tale resolution. I had no idea how far the tunnel extended, and for a long time, any light at the end of it was a hope rather than a reality.

So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me.

Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had already been realized, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default. Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations.

Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected; I also found out that I had friends whose value was truly above rubies.

The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more to me than any qualification I ever earned.

Given a time machine or a Time Turner, I would tell my 21-year-old self that personal happiness lies in knowing that life is not a check-list of acquisition or achievement.

Your qualifications, your CV, are not your life, though you will meet many people of my age and older who confuse the two. Life is difficult, and complicated, and beyond anyone’s total control, and the humility to know that will enable you to survive its vicissitudes.

You might think that I chose my second theme, the importance of imagination, because of the part it played in rebuilding my life, but that is not wholly so. Though I will defend the value of bedtime stories to my last gasp, I have learned to value imagination in a much broader sense. Imagination is not only the uniquely human capacity to envision that which is not, and therefore the fount of all invention and innovation. In its arguably most transformative and revelatory capacity, it is the power that enables us to empathise with humans whose experiences we have never shared.

One of the greatest formative experiences of my life preceded Harry Potter, though it informed much of what I subsequently wrote in those books. This revelation came in the form of one of my earliest day jobs. Though I was sloping off to write stories during my lunch hours, I paid the rent in my early 20s by working in the research department at Amnesty International’s head-quarters in London.

There in my little office I read hastily scribbled letters smuggled out of totalitarian regimes by men and women who were risking imprisonment to inform the outside world of what was happening to them. I saw photographs of those who had disappeared without trace, sent to Amnesty by their desperate families and friends.

I read the testimony of torture victims and saw pictures of their injuries. I opened handwritten, eye-witness accounts of summary trials and executions, of kidnappings and rapes.

Many of my co-workers were ex-political prisoners, people who had been displaced from their homes, or fled into exile, because they had the temerity to think independently of their government. Visitors to our office included those who had come to give information, or to try and find out what had happened to those they had been forced to leave behind.

I shall never forget the African torture victim, a young man no older than I was at the time, who had become mentally ill after all he had endured in his homeland. He trembled uncontrollably as he spoke into a video camera about the brutality inflicted upon him. He was a foot taller than I was, and seemed as fragile as a child.

I was given the job of escorting him to the Underground Station afterwards, and this man whose life had been shattered by cruelty took my hand with exquisite courtesy, and wished me future happiness.

And as long as I live I shall remember walking along an empty corridor and suddenly hearing, from behind a closed door, a scream of pain and horror such as I have never heard since. The door opened, and the researcher poked out her head and told me to run and make a hot drink for the young man sitting with her. She had just given him the news that in retaliation for his own outspokenness against his country’s regime, his mother had been seized and executed.

Every day of my working week in my early 20s I was reminded how incredibly fortunate I was, to live in a country with a democratically elected government, where legal representation and a public trial were the rights of everyone.

Every day, I saw more evidence about the evils humankind will inflict on their fellow humans, to gain or maintain power. I began to have nightmares, literal nightmares, about some of the things I saw, heard and read.

And yet I also learned more about human goodness at Amnesty International than I had ever known before.

Amnesty mobilizes thousands of people who have never been tortured or imprisoned for their beliefs to act on behalf of those who have. The power of human empathy, leading to collective action, saves lives, and frees prisoners. Ordinary people, whose personal well-being and security are assured, join together in huge numbers to save people they do not know, and will never meet. My small participation in that process was one of the most humbling and inspiring experiences of my life.

Unlike any other creature on this planet, humans can learn and understand, without having experienced. They can think themselves into other people’s minds, imagine themselves into other people’s places.

Of course, this is a power, like my brand of fictional magic, that is morally neutral. One might use such an ability to manipulate, or control, just as much as to understand or sympathise.

And many prefer not to exercise their imaginations at all. They choose to remain comfortably within the bounds of their own experience, never troubling to wonder how it would feel to have been born other than they are. They can refuse to hear screams or to peer inside cages; they can close their minds and hearts to any suffering that does not touch them personally; they can refuse to know.

I might be tempted to envy people who can live that way, except that I do not think they have any fewer nightmares than I do. Choosing to live in narrow spaces can lead to a form of mental agoraphobia, and that brings its own terrors. I think the willfully unimaginative see more monsters. They are often more afraid.

What is more, those who choose not to empathize may enable real monsters. For without ever committing an act of outright evil ourselves, we collude with it, through our own apathy.

One of the many things I learned at the end of that Classics corridor down which I ventured at the age of 18, in search of something I could not then define, was this, written by the Greek author Plutarch: What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.

That is an astonishing statement and yet proven a thousand times every day of our lives. It expresses, in part, our inescapable connection with the outside world, the fact that we touch other people’s lives simply by existing.

But how much more are you, Harvard graduates of 2008, likely to touch other people’s lives? Your intelligence, your capacity for hard work, the education you have earned and received, give you unique status, and unique responsibilities. Even your nationality sets you apart. The great majority of you belong to the world’s only remaining superpower. The way you vote, the way you live, the way you protest, the pressure you bring to bear on your government, has an impact way beyond your borders. That is your privilege, and your burden.

If you choose to use your status and influence to raise your voice on behalf of those who have no voice; if you choose to identify not only with the powerful, but with the powerless; if you retain the ability to imagine yourself into the lives of those who do not have your advantages, then it will not only be your proud families who celebrate your existence, but thousands and millions of people whose reality you have helped transform for the better. We do not need magic to change the world, we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already: we have the power to imagine better.

I am nearly finished. I have one last hope for you, which is something that I already had at 21. The friends with whom I sat on graduation day have been my friends for life. They are my children’s godparents, the people to whom I’ve been able to turn in times of trouble, friends who have been kind enough not to sue me when I’ve used their names for Death Eaters. At our graduation we were bound by enormous affection, by our shared experience of a time that could never come again, and, of course, by the knowledge that we held certain photographic evidence that would be exceptionally valuable if any of us ran for Prime Minister.

So today, I can wish you nothing better than similar friendships. And tomorrow, I hope that even if you remember not a single word of mine, you remember those of Seneca, another of those old Romans I met when I fled down the Classics corridor, in retreat from career ladders, in search of ancient wisdom: As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters.

I wish you all very good lives.

Thank you very much.

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Dang!  I was just taking a look at the back of the Dove body wash bottle this morning and it does state “1/4 moisturiser” so I’m going to have to retract what I said my previous post about the moisturising properties…  Looks like the info I got from that product manager is either entirely false or outdated.

However, I still maintain that Dove body wash is antigenic - at least it is for me and the hubby because we can’t use it without developing rashes and hives.  This was the variant I used:

dove-green-tea-body-wash.jpg

I haven’t tried the other variants, but after this experience, I don’t think I’m feeling particularly curious to test it out.  Although, a long time ago, I used to use their original variant - the first body wash they introduced - and I didn’t seem to have any problems using it… 

I’ve also noticed on their website that they have a hypoallergenic variant which I probably might have tested but they don’t sell it here. 

As far as I can remember, I have only ever had allergies to three other skin products besides this recent episode - the first was to a sunscreen lotion (which I forget the brand now); the second was to Nivea body lotion; and the third was to NuSkin’s 180 Anti-Aging face wash. 

Now I feel I have to add a qualifier to that latter.  I have heard complaints from others bout NuSkin’s 180 Anti-Aging skincare range causing sensitivity, but I was also told that they reformulated the product and the new formation is kinder to the skin.  Additionally, I only sensitised to the product after it was exposed to high temperatures (in other words, it was in my toiletries bag which I left in the boot of the hubby’s car while he was running around town seeing his customers).  It is possible that the product’s composition was affected by the sun, however, I’m not about to buy another tube to test out this hypothesis, so if you happen to have any experience using it, feel free to add your thoughts in the comments below.

Being the sort of customer that most companies love and hate, I’ve tried and tested quite a number of the products out there purely because I love to try new things and because I have zero customer loyalty when it comes to testing out new products.  I haven’t noticed any problems with other products so I believe that my skin isn’t really the sensitive type.  The fact that I have sensitised to some ingredient in Dove and Nivea would suggest that those products tend to be harsher than other products on the market.

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