Dec 04 2006
Climbing Humour
Going through my old journals on rock climbing, I found these jokes on rock climbing. Quite amusing to read them again (although it should be noted that they are probably funnier if you are a rock climber).
TOP 10 REASONS CLIMBING IS BETTER THAN SEX…
10. CHOICE OF NOVICE OR EXPERT ROUTES
9. A CLIMB CAN LAST ALL DAY
8. GUIDEBOOKS TELL YOU HOW MANY VISITORS HAVE BEEN THERE BEFORE YOU
7. CAN PICK THE LENGTH AND DIAMETER OF YOUR ROPE
6. THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE BACKING YOU UP IN CASE YOU FALL OFF
5. YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR PROTECTION BEHIND FOR THE NEXT GUY
4. LOTS OF TIGHT CRACKS
3. IT’S NOT CONSIDERED KINKY TO WEAR A HARNESS
2. THE ONLY RUBBER YOU WEAR IS ON YOUR FEET
1. THERE ARE STILL ROCKS THAT HAVEN’T BEEN TOUCHED
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU PICKED THE WRONG CLIMBING PARTNER:
10. Favorite peak: Top of the Jungle Gym, Filmore Primary School. -sharky
9. My climbing partner has headphones on while on belay and is listening to Beck’s “Am a loser baby, why don’t you kill me.” -Gary Stevens
8. He thinks a “carabiner” is someone who lives in Jamaica. -Julie Rozen
7. His idea of “taking a breather” means lighting up a cigarette! -Karen Gendron
6. Thinks treeline is the line you stand in to wait your turn for relieving yourself in the woods. -Mike Paggioli
5. What at first appears to be her backpack turns out to be a
parachute. -Jeff Schneidewind
4. When told to bring rapelling gear he shows up with 25 cans of OFF bug spray. -Bryan Allen
3. They claim to be an expert with knots, but you notice their shoes are always untied. -Ryan
2. When you are both stuck in a snow storm, he asks “if you don’t make it, which part of your body would you like me to eat first?” -Sharmaine Glasford
1. Baggy shorts and no underwear. -Foureagles
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR CLIMBING PARTNER MIGHT BE DANGEROUS
10. You often hear the faint clinking of Tequila bottles whenever he racks up.
9. Complains about cigarette burns making his rope “a b#tch” to rappel on.
8. Commands such as “Slack” and “Tension” must often be prefaced with “HEY! WAKE UP!”.
7. Always 20 minutes late because he has to unwind climbing rope from Jeep winch.
6. On first night out in double portaledge, awakens you at 3am wondering “hypothetically” if Spectra would be damaged by spilled battery acid.
5. Been known to extol the virtues of the high-speed Dulfersitz.
4. Uses the words “granny knot” and “bomber” in the same sentence.
3. After fifth pitch, asks for water to wash down the Prozac.
2. Mentions wanting to buy new pro while thumbing through Ernst sale flyer.
1. Prefers clapping, rather than shouting to give encouragement while belaying.
TOP 11 WORST THINGS FOR YOUR BELAY TO SHOUT TO YOU WHILE YOU STRUGGLE WITH THE CRUX.
11. Falling! -Jon Poulson
10. You know, I’ve wanted to try climbing for years.
9. Hold on, I’ve got to go pee.
8. My god, you’re going to die.
7. Dyno for the jug you can’t see!
6. If you fall now you’ll deck out.
5. Your fingers must be REALLY aching by now.
4. Hey, I can see right up your shorts from here.
3. Your last piece of pro just fell out.
2. Am I supposed to be doing something with this rope?
And, the number one thing you don’t want to hear from your belayer ….
1. Hmmm, looks like you read the guidebook wrong, this one’s a 8c not a 6a.
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