Behavioural Analysis: From Toddlerhood to Boyhood

Hercules has been behaving out of character lately. Up until now, I have never had to do a differential analysis for the change in his behaviour (unlike Aristotle, who required one at regular intervals since before he was even 1 year old). Aristotle has always been my super-sensitive child that needed careful management at every step of the way. Every few months, I would be flying to the books to decode his latest behavioural changes and learn how best to manage it.

Hercules was not at all like that. He was a pretty easy baby and toddler – as long as you don’t count the stuff that he destroys on a regular basis, and the scrapes he gets into because of his intense curiosity. Otherwise, he’s generally a very pleasant child to be around because the takes everything into stride. He is often of a sunny disposition and usually recovers quickly from hurts and upsets. He gets excited about almost everything and is a lot of fun to be around.

What happened?

Shortly after his third birthday, Mr Hyde emerged. Hercules became disagreeing, irritable, and extremely temperamental about everything. “No” became a favourite word as he pointedly refused to do anything he was asked to do. Nothing we said or did could bring about a change of heart.

I started timeouts (which weren’t really working) because he would be hysterical while he was in it but the moment I let him back in, he would promise to behave with the most cheerful voice and repeat his offenses five minutes later. It was a hair-tearing experience which left me sorely tempted to throw the mother-of-all-tantrums myself. I could not master the look or tone that Daddy delivered with such effectiveness and I could not gain my child’s cooperation with anything without the use of force.

He wouldn’t take his bath, he wouldn’t eat his dinner, he wouldn’t change his clothes, he wouldn’t sit on the toilet to pee even though I knew he had a full bladder, and the list goes on. After dropping Aristotle at school, Hercules would complain all the way to his own school, stating that he didn’t want to go to school. Since he started school, Hercules has generally been very eager and happy to go to school (there was a small hiccup along the way but it smoothed out very quickly without too much intervention). Even the teachers at school were stunned to observe this change in his behaviour.

Although he resists going to school, the day generally goes well once the other children (particularly his bestie) arrive. The teachers report that no incidences arose and that he participates in almost all the activities willingly. He clearly does not appear to dislike school because he does appear to enjoy it.

What could it be?

I decided to create a differential list of possibilities based on what’s been happening. Here it is:

  • Terrible threes – it is a fallacy that the terrible twos are the hardest stage of early childhood. Children go through various phases of development as they grow up and each will present us with challenging behavioural developments. Heguru mentions that 3 years old is the first of the three rebellious stages that children go through. Now that he is in his fourth year, he is technically no longer a toddler so perhaps this change in behaviour is related to that milestone…
  • Weaning – yes, we are slowly weaning Hercules. My milk supply has started declining as Hercules tells me from time to time that there is no more milk coming out after a short suckle.
  • Sleeping without Mummy – I have been sleeping with the boys since Aristotle was born. Now that Hercules is older and has learned to take comfort from the presence of his brother, we thought it was time to see if they would sleep alone – they would still have each other but Mummy would not be in the room at night.
  • Cutting the nap – around about this time, Aristotle was cutting out his afternoon nap. We have also started noticing that afternoon naps (no matter how short) seem to make it a lot harder for Hercules to sleep at night. If he has an afternoon nap, he ends up sleeping very late and that makes it hard for him to wake up for school the next morning leaving him cranky and possibly rejecting school as a result.

What can be done?

The Terrible Threes

Heguru recommend offering greater understanding and cutting your child some slack during this difficult growth process. Harvey Karp recommends better communication with your child so he feels connected and “heard”.

So recently, when he threw a tantrum at the doors of his school, I, too, flung myself onto the floor beside him and continuously repeated what he was saying: “Didi says ‘No school! No school! No school!’” While I spoke, I stroked his chest. I continued echoing his feelings and stroking his chest until he calmed down.

When he was silent, I reminded him about all the fun things at school that he liked – his friends, painting, making sand castles, the playground… If he started crying again, I would switch back to echoing until he calmed down again. And we continued repeating the cycle until he finally said, “Mummy come with me.”

So I followed him into school. After he was settled, I asked if I could leave and he said “ok”. I gave him a hug and a kiss and told him I would see him after school and he was fine. The next day, there was no problem going to school. Was it because he now felt he was “heard”? Maybe. Or it could also be more sleep…

Cutting the Nap

The day before, he dropped his nap. He fell asleep during dinner and slept all the way until morning. It was the first full night’s rest he had had and perhaps that was why he responded better towards going to school…

Weaning and Sleeping “Alone”

Usually spending more play time with me can help to make up for the lost connection he feels. Now that he is getting less “Mummy time” through nursing and sleep, we need to up the time with other activities.

Slow to Warm Up

This was not listed under the differential list because it can only really apply to the school incident. Hercules has a carburetor engine – he’s slow to warm up to new things. For instance, he hates wearing new clothes and shoes. Even when he was outgrowing his old shoes, he would still insist on wearing them until we had to hide them and force him to wear his new shoes. Once he wears the new shoes, they immediately become a fast favourite. Same goes for new clothes.

In the instance of school, one of the teachers remarked that at the start of every new week, Hercules is usually more reserved than usual. He will gradually warm up as the week progresses.

Conclusion

So I guess we’re just going to do all the solutions mentioned above, cut him some slack, and ride the storm until he finds himself again.


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Progress Update on Hercules

Hercules just turned 3 – the magical number in right brain education when children pass that first stage of development – so I thought I should do a progress update…

On School

He’s been attending play school for three weeks now. He goes 3 days a week for 4 hours. After an initial warm welcome, Hercules went through a period of separation anxiety which took me by surprise. I was very worried because Hercules is my happy-go-lucky boy. He rarely complains unless it’s really bad. Perhaps it is because he downplays everything that I tend to be more sensitive when he expresses apprehension, worry, or discomfort.

I was ready to withdraw him from school after his two months was up when he found his mojo again. What brought it back? The new sandpit they brought into the school. The morning it all changed, I took him out of the car and he said he wanted to walk. I asked him if he was ready for school and he said, “Yes. I want to see children.” Great, I thought, he is making friends.

Since Aristotle’s school starts early, we are usually one of the first to arrive at Hercules’ playschool. When we arrived that day, he knocked at the front door and loudly called out, “Hello! Anybody here?” Quite a turn-around from his previous state where he would be insisting that he wanted me to carry him and whimpering. When we got in, he took off his own shoes and put them away before making a bee-line for the outdoor play area, asking no one in particular, “Can I play sand castle?”

Ever since the day he was introduced to the sandpit, dropping Hercules off at school has been very easy and very smooth. Perhaps he is okay with school after all…

Home Program

Now that Hercules is attending school, we have reduced the intensity of our home program. On the days he does not have school, we usually do:

The following are activities that we do depending on Hercules’ attention and interest for that particular day:

We allow the boys screen time and these are the programs that Hercules likes to play from time to time:

Programs that Hercules watches on TV:

We’ve also been working on our Green Education.

Hercules also gets plenty of time for free play. Although some of these overlap with the activities listed above, the difference with these is that they are self-initiated and he does them on his own. Currently his favourite activities are:

Sports and Exercise

  • Riding his trike
  • Swimming
  • Playing at the playground (jungle gym and park)
  • “Gym” at home

Output

It should be noted that in all early learning activities, there should be no expectation or pressure upon your child for “output”. Anything that is child-initiated, or gently encouraged is fine. There is often a lot of confusion between the methods of early learning and later learning. The focus of early learning should always be on bonding and having fun. There was an argument I received some time back that not all learning can be “fun and light”, that pressure will have to be applied eventually so children need to “get used to it”. Perhaps. But that is the environment of the left brain which can come later. In early childhood, our focus is right brain learning – “hug, play, learn” as the Right Brain Kids‘ motto says it. With this in mind, I have always made it a point never to push Hercules for output. I don’t test him to see what he’s picking up or what he’s learned. Instead, I wait for him to show me when he’s ready and I applaud heartily when he does.

Reading Progress

We have been on the BrillKids Little Reader program since before Hercules was even 1 year old. Unlike Aristotle, Hercules was “slower” to demonstrate his reading capabilities. I had feared initially that he wouldn’t be a “reader” because he was never quite able to sit down for any length of time to listen to stories the way Aristotle could. Nevertheless, I persisted with Little Reader, following his lead. If he wasn’t interested, I would stop. I found that as he grew older, his interest to read also grew. Perhaps it was the good influence of his older brother who loves to read, perhaps it was Daddy who loves reading to him, or perhaps he just grew into it on his own – whatever it was, he now enjoys reading and listening to stories.

By the age of 2, he was capable of recognising all letters from the alphabet and he could read simple words like fruits, colours, and common animals. It has only been in the last month or two that we have really seen an explosion in his reading – taking books out to read by himself (he reads them out aloud so I know he’s “reading” and not just looking at the pictures) where previously he would always ask us to read to him; pointing out random words on billboards and signs as we move around town; and playing the Little Reader word game where he points out the written words that match the spoken words.

Math Progress

Unlike Aristotle who has never been fond of numbers, Hercules has had an affinity to numbers since he was very little. Where words were Aristotle’s first love, numbers were Hercules’. Unfortunately, I have not tracked his progress. I do not know exactly what he has learned, but he has randomly demonstrated the following awareness:

  • counting knowledge of numbers up to 100
  • skip counting patterns
  • simple addition equations

We followed the Doman Math program and subsequently used the Little Math program. Although he demonstrated promising results initially on the ability to subitise and perform random math equations when he was very young, I have seen no continuation on the development of this ability. Regardless, I have continued his Math lessons because he still enjoys them and because I wonder if he may yet surprise me when he is older and is capable of more conscious output.

Encyclopedic Knowledge

Hercules has demonstrated an interest in specific subjects such as science and music. He is interested in topics like dinosaurs, the Periodic Table, and the properties of light (from Bobo and Light). His interest in the acquisition of knowledge appears to be even greater than his brother’s. He is capable of reciting the information he has seen and heard, however, I doubt that there is true understanding of the significance of it. Nevertheless, I still encourage his interest in these subjects and his continuation to pursue it. Despite the complexity of the subject matter, Hercules is choosing to view it so who am I to argue against that?

Physical Development

Unlike his older brother who has always been more of an intellectual while lagging behind in his physical development, Hercules has demonstrated an innate awareness of his body’s capabilities. He was solidly jumping with two feet off the ground well before he was two years old. When we took him to the park and put him on a swing, he instinctively knew to sway his body to keep his momentum going. He is fearless in the swimming pool and he naturally understood the balance required to float with arm bands.

I dabbled with the Doman Physical Development program with Hercules but did not follow the program in its entirety. I quit the program early because Hercules was a big baby and very heavy so I mistakenly assumed it would be hard for him to achieve the milestones laid out within the program. Hercules has always been a very physical child so he learns all things physical fairly quickly, such as how to perform a somersault which he figured out on his own. I don’t know when he worked it out because by the time I’d noticed it and pointed it out to hubby, hubby replied that he had seen Hercules performing somersaults many times before that.

He cannot brachiate (no opportunity to learn or practice the skill) but I do wonder that if he had enough time at the park whether he would figure it out own his own. He likes to hang – but only where he can put his feet down when he wants to. He hangs off the handle bars in an elevator and in the car telling me that he is a monkey.

Since before he was born, hubby and I have joked about Hercules being the physical child and Aristotle the intellectual. What began in humour is turning out to be a reality.

Right Brain Development

About as much as I have been able to determine, his memory is developing pretty well. He can recall whole books perfectly and recite them to us while we’re in the car. He also remembers things he’s seen – for instance, when he was very little, he loved to listen to They Might Be Giants – Here Comes Science and he would ask for specific songs by describing features from the music video. He would refer to Electric Car as the one where the animals were “stuck” because they all appeared to be “stuck” inside the car.

He’s starting to participate willingly in space memory and linking memory activities. He can correctly complete the space memory activities in class. With linking memory, he can only recall the names of the cards if they are images with familiar names. For home practice, I usually ask him to point out the card position rather than to tell me what was on the card. When we do it this way, he correctly remembers the positions for the cards. He can recall most of the Peg Memory number/image sequences – it is one of his favourite parts of the Heguru lesson. He can also do the tangrams in class depending on his mood and temperament. Some days he’s not interested and he won’t even allow me to help him when I offer. He also appears capable of recalling the Mandala pattern colours (he can correctly point out to me where each colour is) but he still shows no interest to do the activity on his own.

Hercules moves around a lot in Heguru, but despite his “inattentiveness”, he still appears to be absorbing the materials presented. Wennie Sun from TweedleWink has always said that young children do not need to “pay attention” to the material in order to learn. Something I witnessed one evening at home confirmed this…

Hubby and I were in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner. Aristotle was in his room reading and Hercules was on the computer listening (and attempting to sing) to one of his “favourite” songs.

Hubby: Where’s Aristotle?
Me: In the bedroom reading book 7 of How to Train Your Dragon.

A little later, Hercules’ song finishes and I tell him it’s time to wash up and go to bed.

Hercules: Where is koh koh (koh koh means older brother in Chinese)?
Me: In the room.
Hercules: Reading 7!

I was startled. Even though he was a distance away, seemingly absorbed in an activity, he had overheard my conversation with hubby. And even though he didn’t realise that he already had the information he was asking for, once I mentioned a part of it, the rest clicked in.

We have been in a number of different classes in Heguru (I had to change the boys’ timetable a few times) and I have noticed that some parents get worried that if their child isn’t sitting down, watching and listening attentively to the sensei, they can’t learn anything. While it may be true that adults can’t learn if we don’t sit down and pay attention, the same does not hold true for children. This is because their brains work differently.

I read an article some time back that an adult’s brain is like a torch with a single focus, while a child’s brain is like a lantern spreading light in every direction. The reason for this is because children don’t know what information is important to know and what isn’t. So in order to make sure they don’t miss out on the important bits, their brains allow them to absorb everything. It’s part of their survival mechanism to help ensure they learn the necessary knowledge they require in order to survive. The laser focus doesn’t kick in until they’re older. So even though our children don’t appear to be paying attention in class, we can rest assured that they are still learning.

The other thing that a lot of parents get worried about is the lack of output. When they grill their children on what they’ve supposedly learned, the children seem unable to answer. Sometimes it isn’t because the information isn’t in there but because they don’t know how to access the information and share it. Sometimes it requires greater maturity and further understanding before the information becomes readily available and that may not be until much later.

I discovered this the hard way when Aristotle was little. I started teaching him how to sign when he was about 5 months old. After a while, when I didn’t see any “results”, I thought I was wasting my time so I stopped. Months after we’d stopped signing, he showed me his first sign and I realised, too late, that he had been learning and just wasn’t able to show me. A lot of what our children are learning is like that. It may be months later before you realise that they were listening and internalising everything we were teaching them.

When Hercules was very young, there seemed to be this unspoken thought that he was the “slow” child. In comparison to Aristotle who has always been very articulate, it does seem as though Hercules is “slow”. However, when I look at what he has learned and what he is capable of, I know he isn’t. Every child’s development is different. What appears to be on the surface may not be what it is if you dig deeper – as we have seen with Hercules.

So this is my advice to other early learning parents:

Do not worry about your child’s output. As long as you are observing the cardinal rules of early learning – bonding, having fun and being happy with your child – you can be assured that your child will learn the subject.


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How to be Brilliant: Developing the Genius Mindset

It is an age-old debate – nature versus nurture; talent versus practice; and of course, the ultimate question: are geniuses born or made? An article I read recently offered two arguments from two experts each arguing for the opposite side of the coin. The debate was between Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman (Cognitive psychologist, NYU; co-founder, The Creativity Post; Chief Science Officer, The Future Project) and Dr. Zach Hambrick (Associate Professor in the Department of Psychology, Michigan State University). Personally, when I read both arguments, I kind of thought they were making the same point. Both experts conceded that nature and nurture had a role to play and that neither factor stood alone – which is pretty much what John Medina wrote in Brain Rules for Baby – 50% is nature, 50% is nurture.

However, if you read some books, like “Selfish Reasons to have More Kids” by Bryan Caplan, you would be convinced that nothing you do really matters (so long as you are in the middle class – please note the qualifier). Ognjen Amidzic, who examined “The Grandmaster Experiment” by Hungarian psychologist Laszlo Polgar (a father who raised three chess grandmaster daughters), concurred stating that the difference between a master and a highly trained amateur is that the masters are able to file their information into their long-term memory, while highly-trained amateurs only use short-term memories.

“Amidzic’s research suggests that chess whizzes are born with the tendency to process chess more through their frontal and parietal cortices, the areas thought to be responsible for long-term memory. Players whose medial temporal lobes are activated more will be consigned to mediocrity.”

Another factor that cannot be nurtured is the “rage to master” – a term coined by Boston psychologist Ellen Winner. It refers to the motivation that drives an individual in their continuous pursuit of excellence and it is what separates the good from the best. Parents can force their children to work harder, but they will never get their children to that level of passion that is required for brilliance unless it is desired by the children. This is why I’ve always believed that the parent’s role is to help our children discover their passion and to provide them the opportunity to pursue that passion. What happens after that is in the hands of our children.

Does that mean I believe geniuses are born? Not quite. Children are dependent upon us to provide for them. If we don’t give them the opportunity, how will they get there? Looking back at The Grandmaster Experiment, the Polgar sisters were chess grandmasters in their own right but only because their father provided them the opportunity to train and develop. Without their father’s persistent support, it is questionable whether the girls would have gotten there on their own.

Secondly, the belief that “talent is nothing and that success is 99% hard work” was beneficial for the girls. The problem with individuals that demonstrate precocious abilities is that they often invite “smart” praise which can have damaging effects on their future development as we read in Nurture Shock. Because the girls believed that success was hard work, they were better equipped to deal with losses and defeat. An individual, believing that talent is everything, is discouraged by set-backs and defeat.

When children were praised for their “intelligence after they succeeded at a nonverbal IQ test, they subsequently didn’t want to take on a new challenge—they preferred to keep looking smart. When they were forced to complete a more difficult exercise, their performance plummeted. In contrast, some children were praised for “how” they did a task—for undergoing the process successfully. Most of the children in this group wanted to take on a tougher assignment afterward. Their performance improved for the most part, and when it didn’t, they still enjoyed the experience.”

The third interesting point was that of the three daughters, the one believed to be the most talented in chess was the one who was motivated to practice the least. As a result, she was the weakest link among the three sisters.

“People don’t always derive the most enjoyment from the things they’re best at. Adults tag children who show promise and watch their progress with vested interest, causing some kids to falter under the weight of great expectations.”

When you know you aren’t as talented as your competitors, it forces you to work harder to keep up. Eventually, you will overtake the ones that rest on their laurels even if they were “born more gifted”. So even though 50% is genetic and there’s nothing you can do to change it, I like to look at the other 50% and think about what I can do to influence it.

Anthony Robbins once said that if you want to be as successful as a particular individual then copy everything that they do. If you want to think like a genius, then you need to know how geniuses think. For starters, geniuses think creatively – they are productive as opposed to reproductive. Here’s an example:

When confronted with a problem, they ask “How many different ways can I look at it?”, “How can I rethink the way I see it?”, and “How many different ways can I solve it?” instead of “What have I been taught by someone else on how to solve this?” They tend to come up with many different responses, some of which are unconventional and possibly unique. A productive thinker would say that there are many different ways to express “thirteen” and many different ways to halve something. Following are some examples.
6.5
13 = 1 and 3
THIR TEEN = 4
XIII = 11 and 2
XIII = 8

How can you teach your children to think like a genius? Here are some strategies:

  • look at problems in different ways
  • make your thoughts visible through visual means
  • produce – come up with lots of ideas because it is through the numerous “bad” ideas that a good one will appear
  • make novel combinations
  • force relationships
  • think in opposites
  • think metaphorically
  • prepare for chance – in other words, you have to be prepared to fail

For more information, check out the following resources by Michael Michalko:

For more information about mindset, check these out:

For more on creativity, check out these articles from Psychology Today:


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