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Second Child Syndrome and Bonding Time with No. 2

March 1, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Aristotle was supposed to bring a baby photo to school for something they are working on. While flipping through his old photos, I was reminded of all the outings I had with Aristotle when it was just the two of us. With a pang of guilt, I realise that I haven’t been doing the same thing with Hercules even though the whole idea of having mornings alone with him was so I could do just that. I’ve also severely neglected Hercules’ photo-taking opportunities as evidenced by the dearth of new digital photo files in my archive compared to the numerous files added during the first few years of Aristotle’s life.

Although many people acknowledge how hard it is on the first child to share the limelight with a sibling after going solo for so long, the general belief is that the second child doesn’t have a problem with it because he was born having to share the attention. Having been a second child myself I must say that I did notice it – the attention that the older child gets just because he’s the first to do everything and the multitude of photos recording his every “first” while I just had photos of birthdays and special occasions. I promised myself that I would not neglect my second child in the same manner so to make it up to him, I have planned a series of Mum and Bub outings just for the two of us.

We started the day with a trip to the National Science Center. Hercules has been to the National Science Center before, but it was always with Aristotle. This was the first time it was just the two of us. I took him to the outdoor playground for a run around before we went inside for more play.

Somehow the outdoor play area didn’t seem quite as grand as I remembered it. No doubt the water features were cool, but Hercules wanted to cross the water bridges which he couldn’t because we didn’t have our swimming gear. He also wanted to run on the grass that was waterlogged and muddy so I had to haul him over to the bathroom to hose down his shoes after.

After our little romp outdoors, we headed inside to “study the science”. Aristotle was about the same age as Hercules when we first visited the National Science Center, however, I think we did more exploration of science back then than we did today. Hercules was more taken by the mini play areas inside the Science Center than with the actual science exhibits. Now there’s another difference in their individual characteristics.

We did make some observations on gravity that would have done Newton proud, though. Hercules explored the effect of gravity on a few plastic balls in the play area but seemed rather displeased with the results. It seemed to me that he was unhappy that the balls had failed to defy the laws of gravity – he was expecting them to stay put on the slight incline they were on and felt rather annoyed that they kept rolling down.

He was also bitterly disappointed about not being able to enter the play area with the air guns that shoot foam balls. Maybe it’s time to revisit the Jungle Gym in Bangsar Shopping Center. Ah well, at least we got some good Mum and Bub bonding time together.


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Filed Under: Activities, Parenting, Science Tagged With: , , ,

Understanding Your Child’s Love Language

February 5, 2012 by 2 Comments

I wrote about the 5 love languages some time back and even though it made sense at the time, the concept still sounded like one of those airy fairy self-help stuff that is easy to sniff at. But after asking Aristotle to take the test (and taking an assessment myself!), some of Aristotle’s behaviours are beginning to make sense. In fact, a number of things are beginning to fall into place…

I used to be confounded when Aristotle complained I didn’t “pay enough attention” to him. I had always assumed that this was because he was used to having 100% of my time and the arrival of his baby brother meant I could no longer do that. Whatever attention I give him now is divided so it would never be “enough” when compared to what he was used to. While that might still be the case, the severity of the effect of it would be lessened if I “spoke” in his love language more.

The disconnect we have is the fact that our love languages differ. Aristotle’s primary love language is “touch”, followed by “acts of service”, while my primary love language is “words of affirmation”. Having less time to devote to him, my instinct to bolster our connection was to demonstrate more love using my primary love language. While I thought I’d been demonstrating a lot of love, Aristotle still felt neglected because I hadn’t been speaking in his love language.

The other thing that used to bother me with Aristotle was his constant desire for me to do things for him that I know him to be fully capable of – to feed him, to put his socks on for him, etc. I had associated it with the fact that I do all these little things for his brother (since Hercules is still young and requires the assistance) so Aristotle wanted a share of it, too. However, it makes a lot more sense now that I realise these things to fall under “acts of service” – his secondary love language. While it might be frowned upon that a boy of 5 would still want to be carried, to be fed, etc. when he really should be doing these things for himself, it helps to know that occasionally doing some of these things communicates love for children like Aristotle. Knowing that when a child is asking for these simple tasks to be done for him, he’s really saying, “I don’t feel loved right now” allows us to do something to change how he feels rather than get annoyed that a boy of 5 is still asking to be babied.

Learning that “touch” is Aristotle’s primary love language has also helped me realise where I’ve been going wrong in the matter of discipline. When Aristotle misbehaves, I have a tendency to withdraw and reduce physical contact, while piling on the lectures and the stern voice. Although not a full-proof method for securing obedience, I have noticed that maintaining physical contact during discipline helps Aristotle comply more readily. Even when I’m too angry to remember this, reconnecting with him using hugs and kisses afterwards always helps to foster our bond.

And speaking of reconnecting with our children, there is a great article on PhD in Parenting on 9 Ways to Meaningfully Reconnect with Your Child. It is easy to forget to reconnect with our children, especially as they grow up, and yet, reconnecting is no less important the older they grow as it was when they were toddlers.


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Bright from the Start: B is for Bonding

September 20, 2010 by Leave a Comment

According to Bright from the Start, research shows that nurturing a child’s mind is as simple as A, B, C.  A is for attention, B is for bonding, and C is for communication.

We know that babies need love to learn.  The following are some of the things you can do to help develop that bond with your baby (some of these are very obvious, common sense things that most parents already do on a daily basis but you may not be aware of just how much these simple things are helping to develop your baby’s brain).

0-6 Months:

  • Hold baby (or use a baby carrier) rather than placing baby into a pram or infant carrier seat.  Hold, hug and kiss baby routinely throughout the day.
  • Provide skin-to-skin contact.  Give regular infant massages during bath time or before bed time.
  • Hold baby during feeding (rather than propping baby up with a pillow when feeding with a bottle).
  • Respond quickly and routinely to baby’s cries.  Begin soothing baby with reassuring sounds on the way to picking baby up.
  • Try to interpret the meaning of various cries (e.g. hungry, tired, diaper change)
  • Establish consistent routines for bathing, sleeping, feeding.
  • Introduce baby to new sensations (e.g. textures, temperatures) and verbally label them.
  • Provide a variety of objects to explore with hands, mouth and feet and verbally label them.
  • When required, make necessary changes to improve quality of baby’s care as soon as possible rather than waiting for a more convenient time.

6-18 Months: As above with the following changes -

  • Slow activity levels down periodically – less rushing and provide a calmer atmosphere.
  • Respond predictably when faced with a recurring action from baby.
  • Develop physical cues that can signal to baby and help to calm him.
  • Label feelings, emotions, and experiences as baby behaviours change – e.g. “Are you feeling sleepy?” “That’s hard to do, it’s okay to feel frustrated.” “You seem so proud of yourself.”
  • Act positively with baby and demonstrate love and concern (smile, hug, direct eye contact, praise, express pleasure and thankfulness).
  • If using childcare, ensure ratio of carers to infants is no more than 1 carer to 3 infants; carers to toddlers is no more than 1 carer to 5 toddlers.

Good bonding is not only great for your baby’s brain development, but it also helps to set the stage for good discipline.  The way in which you respond to your baby helps to teach him self-control and self-regulation which forms the foundation for future discipline.  Providing consistency, limits and routines establishes a familiarity and security to a child that he comes to depend on and expect these same limitations and boundaries (the cornerstones of discipline) in future.

While it is important to set boundaries for babies, it is also important to provide opportunities.  For example, it is important to set up a “do touch” world.  Although you can teach a child that certain things are off-limits, e.g. the TV remote, a flower vase, it is much better for your child’s development if you can make his world a touch-friendly environment.

To learn about the environment around him, a baby is compelled to explore it by touching – grabbing, pushing, pulling, putting it into his mouth.  Anything new is a source of new information to a baby – is it cold, hard, soft, heavy? Does it move or stay still?  Can I carry it?  How does it feel inside my mouth?  Babies are like mini scientists discovering the world around them.  This natural curiosity is what drives a baby to learn.  To help babies develop, it is important to encourage their active curiosity.  Constantly saying “no” teaches a baby that inquisitiveness is a negative trait and therefore undesirable.


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