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Parenting with Empathy – Getting Past the Trying Behaviours

April 7, 2013 by 3 Comments

Aristotle was a difficult baby and toddler but once he passed the three year old mark, I found that he became a lot easier to handle. I could understand him and I knew how to handle him. Although he sometimes pushes my hot buttons, he is generally really pleasant to have around. He’s the kind of child that makes you look like an amazing parent.

Hercules was an easy baby but as he grows older, I find him pushing all my hot buttons almost all the time. Remember when I said that Aristotle is a really good kid? Well, the combination of Aristotle and Hercules is an explosive one. I’m sure I’m about to lose all my hair because I pull it out on a daily basis. And if I don’t lose my hair first, I’ll probably pass out from banging my head against the wall so frequently. Sometimes, I think I could throw up blood. I think that if I had Hercules first, I probably would have stopped at one child.

Don’t get me wrong. I adore Hercules. He’s the sunshine in my life. However, like the sun, he can also give you a sunburn. Unlike Aristotle, whom I feel I have a handle on, there are times when I feel like I have no control over Hercules. Having him as a child has been humbling. I look at other parents with crazy kids in the restaurants and I feel for them because I finally know what it’s like. Whatever I did with Aristotle doesn’t work with Hercules. I’m still looking for the formula that works with Hercules and it is eluding me. Now that Hercules has weaned, I have lost my one single secret weapon that has helped me handle him all this time.

I have realised that it is easy to look at parents with kids like Hercules and judge us for being permissive parents. I’m sure it looks that way. I know it because I used to think it. I put Hercules in timeout but he comes out of it remorseless. He promises never to bite his brother again but five minutes later… In my moments of weakness, I have succumbed to corporal punishment only to discover that he does not fear it. In fact, his reaction to it would probably be akin to the equivalent of “bring it on!”. Not only has he no fear for corporal punishment, but it has encouraged him to hit back. So yes, I’m still a believer that corporal punishment doesn’t work (and I’m ashamed that I gave in to it).

I have been trying so hard to understand Hercules’ frustrating behaviours but it has eluded me until recently when I was talking to my SIL and we were reminiscing about the days of our childhoods. Suddenly I realise that Hercules is me.

Hercules climbs the grills and leaps from the couch onto the beanbag, narrowly missing the sharp corners of our coffee table. I used to climb the gate of our house and the tree in the park in front of my cousin’s house.

Sometimes I see smears of blood in the playroom but heard no cry or sound of complaint to indicate that anyone had been hurt. Sometimes I see bumps and bruises on Hercules that seem to appear from nowhere. As a child, I fell down in school and skinned my knee but told no one. I hid my bloodied knee under my uniform until I got home from school.

The relationship between Hercules and Aristotle is not really very different to the relationship I had with my brother when we were the same age. Even our personalities are reflected in my sons – Aristotle is very much like my brother, and Hercules like me. One evening, Aristotle stormed out of their bedroom with Hercules fighting to hold him back. Hercules had hurt his brother (again) and Aristotle was dobbing him in.  I saw the fear in Hercules because he knew he was about to be in big trouble. I remembered a similar incident when I was about the same age as Hercules. My brother and I were fighting about something (I cannot remember what it was) and I took a swipe at my brother. My nails broke skin and it caused a bleed on my brother’s arm. I remember the sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach with the realisation that I was about to be in big trouble. I also remember begging my brother not to tell our parents.

There are good things, too. Just like my brother was very protective over me and loved me very much, Aristotle, too, does wonderfully sweet, brotherly things for Hercules. Just as I looked up to my brother, I can see how much Hercules admires his brother and aspires to be like him. Given the way that my brother and I have turned out, I hold a lot of hope that Aristotle and Hercules will be just as supportive of each other as they grow up.

Sometimes I find it incredibly frustrating that Aristotle is so needy. He can do things for himself, but he must have me do them for him. He feigns helplessness which is annoying, especially since I know he can do it by himself. Then I remember a time from my childhood when I, too, feigned helplessness so that my mother would do something for me that I wanted her to. I remember the awareness of knowing I could do it myself, but I don’t know why I just didn’t do it. I needed her to do it for me. When I think about the times when Aristotle displays “helplessness”, it is usually the times when I don’t have time for it. It’s a cry for attention because I’ve been too busy to give it to him. Although it’s frustrating when it happens, understanding the reason behind it helps me manage my own irritation and response to it.

I also remember childhood disappointments that led to my temper tantrums. When I think back upon it, it seemed like such a small thing to get upset over, but at the time, it was a big thing. Now, whenever Hercules gets upset over seemingly small things, I try to remember that in his world, they’re big disappointments. So as much as I want to get angry and annoyed that he’s making life difficult for me, I know I have to be a little more patient and understanding. As much as I just want to tell him to snap out of it, I know that it’s my job to help him manage his emotions and overcome his disappointment so that he can learn how to handle them in future.

Taking a walk down memory lane every now and then to remember what it’s like to be a child again is a beneficial exercise. The more of my own childhood I remember, the more parallels I see. Being able to recall my own childhood helps to put into perspective a lot of the frustrating behaviours I see in the boys, especially Hercules. When I can remember, I understand them better. When I understand, I like to think that I parent better.


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Filed Under: Discipline, Parenting Tagged With: , , ,

Behavioural Analysis: From Toddlerhood to Boyhood

February 8, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Hercules has been behaving out of character lately. Up until now, I have never had to do a differential analysis for the change in his behaviour (unlike Aristotle, who required one at regular intervals since before he was even 1 year old). Aristotle has always been my super-sensitive child that needed careful management at every step of the way. Every few months, I would be flying to the books to decode his latest behavioural changes and learn how best to manage it.

Hercules was not at all like that. He was a pretty easy baby and toddler – as long as you don’t count the stuff that he destroys on a regular basis, and the scrapes he gets into because of his intense curiosity. Otherwise, he’s generally a very pleasant child to be around because the takes everything into stride. He is often of a sunny disposition and usually recovers quickly from hurts and upsets. He gets excited about almost everything and is a lot of fun to be around.

What happened?

Shortly after his third birthday, Mr Hyde emerged. Hercules became disagreeing, irritable, and extremely temperamental about everything. “No” became a favourite word as he pointedly refused to do anything he was asked to do. Nothing we said or did could bring about a change of heart.

I started timeouts (which weren’t really working) because he would be hysterical while he was in it but the moment I let him back in, he would promise to behave with the most cheerful voice and repeat his offenses five minutes later. It was a hair-tearing experience which left me sorely tempted to throw the mother-of-all-tantrums myself. I could not master the look or tone that Daddy delivered with such effectiveness and I could not gain my child’s cooperation with anything without the use of force.

He wouldn’t take his bath, he wouldn’t eat his dinner, he wouldn’t change his clothes, he wouldn’t sit on the toilet to pee even though I knew he had a full bladder, and the list goes on. After dropping Aristotle at school, Hercules would complain all the way to his own school, stating that he didn’t want to go to school. Since he started school, Hercules has generally been very eager and happy to go to school (there was a small hiccup along the way but it smoothed out very quickly without too much intervention). Even the teachers at school were stunned to observe this change in his behaviour.

Although he resists going to school, the day generally goes well once the other children (particularly his bestie) arrive. The teachers report that no incidences arose and that he participates in almost all the activities willingly. He clearly does not appear to dislike school because he does appear to enjoy it.

What could it be?

I decided to create a differential list of possibilities based on what’s been happening. Here it is:

  • Terrible threes – it is a fallacy that the terrible twos are the hardest stage of early childhood. Children go through various phases of development as they grow up and each will present us with challenging behavioural developments. Heguru mentions that 3 years old is the first of the three rebellious stages that children go through. Now that he is in his fourth year, he is technically no longer a toddler so perhaps this change in behaviour is related to that milestone…
  • Weaning – yes, we are slowly weaning Hercules. My milk supply has started declining as Hercules tells me from time to time that there is no more milk coming out after a short suckle.
  • Sleeping without Mummy – I have been sleeping with the boys since Aristotle was born. Now that Hercules is older and has learned to take comfort from the presence of his brother, we thought it was time to see if they would sleep alone – they would still have each other but Mummy would not be in the room at night.
  • Cutting the nap – around about this time, Aristotle was cutting out his afternoon nap. We have also started noticing that afternoon naps (no matter how short) seem to make it a lot harder for Hercules to sleep at night. If he has an afternoon nap, he ends up sleeping very late and that makes it hard for him to wake up for school the next morning leaving him cranky and possibly rejecting school as a result.

What can be done?

The Terrible Threes

Heguru recommend offering greater understanding and cutting your child some slack during this difficult growth process. Harvey Karp recommends better communication with your child so he feels connected and “heard”.

So recently, when he threw a tantrum at the doors of his school, I, too, flung myself onto the floor beside him and continuously repeated what he was saying: “Didi says ‘No school! No school! No school!’” While I spoke, I stroked his chest. I continued echoing his feelings and stroking his chest until he calmed down.

When he was silent, I reminded him about all the fun things at school that he liked – his friends, painting, making sand castles, the playground… If he started crying again, I would switch back to echoing until he calmed down again. And we continued repeating the cycle until he finally said, “Mummy come with me.”

So I followed him into school. After he was settled, I asked if I could leave and he said “ok”. I gave him a hug and a kiss and told him I would see him after school and he was fine. The next day, there was no problem going to school. Was it because he now felt he was “heard”? Maybe. Or it could also be more sleep…

Cutting the Nap

The day before, he dropped his nap. He fell asleep during dinner and slept all the way until morning. It was the first full night’s rest he had had and perhaps that was why he responded better towards going to school…

Weaning and Sleeping “Alone”

Usually spending more play time with me can help to make up for the lost connection he feels. Now that he is getting less “Mummy time” through nursing and sleep, we need to up the time with other activities.

Slow to Warm Up

This was not listed under the differential list because it can only really apply to the school incident. Hercules has a carburetor engine – he’s slow to warm up to new things. For instance, he hates wearing new clothes and shoes. Even when he was outgrowing his old shoes, he would still insist on wearing them until we had to hide them and force him to wear his new shoes. Once he wears the new shoes, they immediately become a fast favourite. Same goes for new clothes.

In the instance of school, one of the teachers remarked that at the start of every new week, Hercules is usually more reserved than usual. He will gradually warm up as the week progresses.

Conclusion

So I guess we’re just going to do all the solutions mentioned above, cut him some slack, and ride the storm until he finds himself again.


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Filed Under: development, Discipline, Hercules, Parenting Tagged With: , ,

On School and Siblings: The Socialisation Myth

January 17, 2013 by 2 Comments

I wanted to explore this topic because I believe there is a misconception about how children learn the rules of social conduct. Feel free to rebut the arguments here and/or share your experiences in the comments.

There are technically two points I’m discussing here, the first is related to child personality…

When Aristotle was little, there was a concern that he was “anti-social” and that it would be better if I sent him to playschool to learn how to “socialise” with other children. I was swayed by this argument because it was clear that he preferred to play alone rather than mix with other children. That said, although he generally shied away from birthday parties with lots of unfamiliar children, he was not incapable of socialising. He played well with his god-sister (at that age his god-brother was still a little too young) and he “socialised” well with other children he was familiar with so long as it was a one-to-one or small group gathering. Many unfamiliar adults who came in contact with him found him engaging, sociable and entertaining. They would compliment him on being so well behaved and so mature for his age. Far from being incapable of socialising, he just preferred to be in the company of adults. When it came to children, he needed to be familiar with them and in an environment he was comfortable with.

For fear that my son would turn into a social recluse, I thought that school was the answer and I rushed headlong into sending him to preschool. Now that he is older and I have had a better chance to ponder over it, I think it was unfair to label Aristotle as anti-social. Many children are like that. In fact, there are also adults who are like that. They are called introverts. I know I am one. The friends who are close to me have laughed when I claim to be an introvert. They believe that because I am so comfortable talking to them that I must be an extrovert.

Perhaps that is the misconception… It is not that an introvert is incapable of talking to other people. I read an explanation of introverts and extroverts once that I think explains their natures very well. An introvert is a person who gains energy from being alone. It isn’t that they cannot be around people. In fact, it can be very enjoyable for an introvert to spend time with close, familiar people. It’s just that every so often, they need a bit of quiet time away from everything to recharge their batteries – so to speak. An extrovert gets energised by being around people. They thrive on the constant interaction.

Assuming that a child lacks social skills because he enjoys spending some time alone is like reprimanding a child without understanding his motivation for his actions (which may actually be noble even if the action that resulted was not). We are far more understanding of adults who prefer to be alone than we are of children who prefer to be alone. This is yet another example of how children are held to a higher set of standards than we would expect from another adult.

The other point relates to children learning socially-acceptable behaviour from other children. There is this belief that sending a child to school to be with other children will help them learn social qualities, like sharing. The irony is that most children I know have learned how to be selfish because of learned behaviours from other children at school. Children learn that if they give their toy to another child that child may not return it, therefore they must hang on to that toy as tightly as possible so they won’t lose it. Sharing toys with an adult teaches the child to take turns because the adult will always return the toy when the child asks for it.

The reality is that children will not learn appropriate social behaviour by mixing with other children. They learn it first from adults. Expecting a child to learn appropriate behaviour by throwing them into a group of children is like expecting the blind to lead the blind. Although children can learn good behaviours from other children when they model after a well-behaved child, there is also exposure to a repertoire of undesirable behaviours. It’s kind of like Russian Roulette.

Of course there are plenty of other reasons why we would want our children to mix with other children. All I’m saying is that expecting a child to learn how to behave appropriately (especially when they are only 3 years old) through playing with other children is ill-conceived. At the end of the day, appropriate behaviour is still best learned from modelling adults and older children who “know better”.

The reason why siblings are added into the title of this post is because that is sometimes the reason why we have another child. Digressing a little here, one of the best reasons why I think having siblings is great is because of the potential life-long friendship that you have (although it could be argued otherwise as well).

Further Reading:

  • Socialisation: Homeschooling vs schools - interesting article that tackles a lot of the misconceptions about homeschooling socialisation. It has Christian references but the article is relevant regardless of religious background. 
  • Helping Your Child with Socialisation - if your child’s socialisation is a really a concern to you, this is a good article to read on how you can help your child.

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Filed Under: Character Development, School Tagged With: , , , ,
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