Some time back I said I was going to summarise the salient points from the landmark parenting book by Margot Sunderland, titled “The Science of Parenting.” For any person who truly desires to raise their child in a manner that will offer that child the best skills for happiness, emotional well-being and success in life, this is the book for you. This summary is intended to offer the gist of the information from the book, but I strongly recommend reading the book to gain a thorough understanding of the psychology of child development. Implementing the recommended methods of parenting is more effective when you understand the theory behind it.

Who is Margot Sunderland?

Firstly, who the heck is Margot Sunderland and why should we be listening to her? What does she know that makes her an expert and an authority to talk about child psychology or even to tell us how we should raise our children?

Margot Sunderand’s professional background:

• Director of Education and Training for the Centre of Child Mental Health in London
• Psychotherapist for children with 20 years of experience working with children and families
• Runs a Masters degree program in Child Psychotherapy and Emotional Literacy for Children
• Author of more than 20 published books on child mental health
• Won an award in Mental Health (from the British Medical Association) for the publication of one of her books in 2002

The Science of Parenting

The research from The Science of Parenting is backed by more than 800 studies from around the world.  The philosophy behind the Science of Parenting is not merely to raise children that become functional adults but for them to become caring, compassionate adults with the capacity to respect the differences of others.  This books reveals the science behind how the early interactions children have with their parents can affect whether or not they grow into adults suffering from depression, anxiety or anger management issues.

When I talk about successful children, I refer to Dr Sears’ definition of a successful child.  A successful child is one that is:

• able to form meaningful relationships with others
• empathic and compassionate
• kind and polite
• smart
• healthy
• able to make wise choices; to think and act morally
• confident
• has a healthy attitude towards sexuality
• able to communicate well
• has a joyful attitude

As a parent, knowing that my role in his life contributes largely towards the success of my child leads me to relentlessly pursue the parenting methodologies that have been proven to offer a child the best chances for success in life.

Professor Jaak Panksepp who has studied the emotional brain for more than 30 years states that:

• “children who emotional feelings are cherished and respected, even their angry outbursts, live more happily than those whose early passions are denied.  Both excessive distress and tender loving care leave lasting marks on the emotional circuits , and mentalities of developing brains.”
• “the first three years of seeking and affectively engaging the world are critical for the future success of every boy and girl.  It is important for them to get off on the right track both emotionally and intellectually.”

“The advances of neuroscience, brain scans, and years of research on the brains of primates and other mammals…” reveal that “key emotional systems in the human brain are moulded for better or worse by parenting experiences.  Although we cannot protect our children from future unhappiness, we now have scientific information about how different methods of parenting impact a child’s brain.”  Although our parents may have raised us differently because they did not have access to the information we have now, the parents of this generation cannot claim such ignorance on the effects certain styles of parenting have on the fragile mind of a child.  We live in the information age and as parents it is our duty to use that information for the betterment of our children’s lives.

This is the first of a series of posts that look at the key points outlined in the book “The Science of Parenting“.  Stay tuned for more on this topic.

Popularity: 6% [?]

After the terrible attempt to seat Gavin in his car seat last Friday, I had grave reservations about even attempting it come Monday this week.  Since I had already made plans with my friend to meet up with her and her daughter for a play gym session at Kidzsports, followed by lunch, I felt I had to at least try.

So how did it go?

While we got off to a bad start to the day when we woke up at 11:15am.  Now Gavin has not woken up so late in a very long time so it took me by surprise as well.  Ordinarily, he’ll wake up anywhere between 8:30-9:30am.

To be fair, we did go out quite late the night before.  We attended a friend’s birthday party at The Curve and didn’t come home until about 10:30pm.  However, Gavin was in bed and fast asleep by 11pm - not exactly unusual for him since there have been times when he has woken up late from an afternoon nap and not fallen asleep until 11pm-12am, and gone on to wake up at his regular hour of 9am the following morning.

Sears from The Successful Child Book also recommended that if you wanted full cooperation from your child on a busy morning, the tip is to go “slow”.  Well, slow was the last thing on my mind since we were supposed to meet my friend at 11am and we had only just woken up and perhaps that contributed to Gavin’s lack of cooperation in the car seat.

Deciding not to waste any time this time, I presented Gavin with Emily, the train - whom he hadn’t been allowed to play with since I took it back from him on Friday.  Perhaps it was a mistake to show him something that had been related to a previous traumatic incident or perhaps Emily had lost her charm since Gavin had already seen her last Friday, I can’t say for certain.  What was certain was that Emily wasn’t going to be enough to get Gavin to cooperate and sit in his chair.

On this day I did two things that I know are big “no-nos” when it comes to child car safety so please don’t comment to lecture me about - I already know.  I’m sharing this experience for the benefit of my self-analysis and in the hope that some other first time Mum might find the information useful.

Anyway, the first big “no-no” was that I moved Gavin’s car seat to the front passenger seat.  It must have been the novelty of sitting up front that got him, because Gavin didn’t protest when I strapped him into his car seat.  We got all the way to Bangsar Village without mishap and everything was great until it was time to leave.  Needless to say, Gavin refused to get back into the car seat and nothing I did would change his mind.

Ordinarily, if I can’t get Gavin to sit in his car seat to go home, I would just carry him around the mall until he fell asleep and then put him back into the car.  Since Gavin woke up at 11:15 that morning, it would mean hanging around the mall until at least 4pm (or maybe even later) before I would have had any hope of sending him to sleep for the car ride home.

Gavin used his regular stalling tactics and wanted to nurse, so I did.  Whenever he came off the breast, I would make to put him back into his car seat and he would then insist he wanted to nurse again.  I even tried forcing him into his car seat which failed miserably because he used the plank position - the one where he straightened his body rigidly so that his would slid right off the chair with any attempts to make him sit.  Honestly, if you have an answer to the plank position that isn’t violent, I’d love to hear it.  This was when I resorted to the second big “no-no” which is even worse than the first - I allowed Gavin to sit on the floor space in front of the front passenger seat.

It was interesting to note that Gavin knew I was extremely displeased with him because he sat very quietly and very still for most of the car ride home.  Whenever he made to get up, I would say “sit” and he would immediately sit back down.  Of course I gave him one heck of a lecture all the way home explaining why I needed him to sit in his car seat and why I was upset with him.  How much of it he took in, I won’t know but the fact that he was calm and listening to me was a good sign.

When we arrived back home, he made several attempts to hug me which I am pretty sure meant he was sorry.  I would soon find out how much of my lecture he took to heart the next time I took him out on my own but we’ll save that for a later post.  What I learned from Monday’s experience was this:

• I’ve said in previous posts that the optimum time to attempt to strap Gavin into his car seat is usually within 1-2 hours after he wakes up in the morning.  Well, I’m now suspecting that getting him to go from waking up straight into the car seat is probably not adviseable either.  I have a feeling he needs a warm up period and a little run around the house before being confined to the car seat.  This is just a hunch that is currently unproven.
• When in doubt about whether Gavin will cooperate and sit in his car seat, the best bribe is something new.  The novelty factor wins every time.  In this case, Emily was no longer a novelty because he had seen her the previous week - during a stressful period to boot.
• Gavin is slowly and gradually becoming teachable - he not only knows when I’m displeased with him but he nows seeks to gain back my approval (which I think was rather evident when he kept trying to hug me).  Further to this, I must add that Sunderland in The Science of Parenting warns us to be aware of such moments when a child is attempting to “mend the broken connection in the relationship”.  She recommends that parents respond with grace and acknowledge the child’s attempts to “make up” because a child in this state is most open with his feelings and most easily crushed by a harsh response.  Even if you are still angry, it is best to reply with a response such as, “I am still too angry with you to respond well to you right now, but I promise I will come and find you when I’m feeling better about things.”

Below: it isn’t a car seat, but a car mag sure helps keep Gavin in it long enough to complete his business.

Popularity: 6% [?]

I’ve often been accused of being too much of a textbook Mum and that I ought to listen more to my own instincts or to follow the age-old parenting advice that has been passed on from generation to generation.  Well, here is where I get into a bit of a fix…

1. Listening to my own instincts

I used to have a real problem with this one because about three years back, my maternal instincts were probably about as good as a female fighting fish’s maternal instincts.  In case you’re wondering, female fighting fish eat their babies.  Okay, okay, maybe I wasn’t that bad.  I was more like a leatherback turtle - the kind of Mum that would lay my eggs in the sand and disappear back into the water leaving my babies to fend for themselves.

Thankfully, I went through a 180 degree change - for which I should thank the pregnancy hormones because they made me more nurturing and more caring towards my baby.  Well, I think it was the hormones.  I never would have thought myself to be the type who would get jealous of the confinement lady for handling my baby too much and sleeping beside him.  The whole idea of having the confinement lady was so she could help look after my son while I got some R&R.  Instead, I found myself resenting her company and her invasion of my private time with my son.

So it turned out that I did have some maternal instincts after all - and some pretty strong ones at that.  So what did my instincts tell me?

• Take the advice of others with a pinch of salt and double check everything that sounded questionable before applying it.
• Read parenting books for ideas and guidelines and follow what made sense, what works and what has been proven with science and backed by evidence.
• That some of the “age-old” parenting tactics didn’t agree with me, and though I could not back up my instincts with solid reasons why I didn’t agree with it, reading more widely on the topic of parenting helped me find the evidence to support my instincts.

2. Following Age-old Parenting Advice

Generally, most of the “age-old parenting advice” we are familiar with is usually the stuff that our parents have used to raise us.  Frankly, I disagree with quite a number of the methods my parents employed while raising my brother and me.  At the risk of sounding like an ungrateful brat, let me clarify this point.  Although I don’t think my parents did too badly with regards to raising me (I didn’t do drugs, I don’t smoke, and I’ve never committed any serious offences against the law - the most serious being a speeding fine), there are still a number of things that they did which I felt has had a negative impact on my self-confidence leading to the fears and inadequacies that I have today. 

I don’t blame my parents for the way they raised me.  Back in the time when they were parents, there wasn’t a lot of information on the psychological effects that certain parenting styles had on the developing brain of a child.  Back then, even the experts of the day were shouting advice that were at times questionable so how could they know?  However, for me, being a parent in an era where information is so readily available, it would be a crime to plead ignorance and not to at least take a look at what the research is pointing towards.

In fact, for everyone who is critical of text-book Mums, this is what I have to say:

• being a text-book Mum does not mean we follow everything we read to the letter.  It just means we read widely and we educate ourselves so that we can be better parents.
• to think that we know everything about being a parent without the need to read about it is sheer arrogance.  We don’t allow people to practice medicine if they have never studied to be a doctor, and we don’t allow people to practice law if they have never studied to be a lawyer.  And yet, when it comes to one of the most important jobs of all - raising the next generation - no qualifications are necessary.  Where is the sense in that?

It is said that the way you were raised by your parents has a strong effect on how you raise your own child - regardless of whether you choose to utilise the same methods or completely different ones.  Well, mine had such a strong impact on me that when I was a teenager, I swore I would not have children unless I could devote enough time and energy to raise them to the best of my abilities. 

The sort of fears that plagued me was how I could raise a child so that when he went to school, he would not be influenced to do the wrong things because of peer pressure; that when he was in trouble, he would come to me for help rather than seek the possibly questionable advice of a friend who might lead him down the garden path. 

How do you raise a child with the confidence to shirk off the peer pressure that leads them to do the wrong things?  How do you raise a child whose bond with you is so strong that even during the rebellious teenage years, he can still come back to you with the important issues he faces in his life?

Although I knew that there was an abundance of parenting advice around, what I wanted was parenting advice that was supported by scientific evidence.  And then it came, presented in a neat little package called “The Science of Parenting“, which has also been published under the title of “What Every Parent Needs to Know”.  In fact, I find the information presented in this book so important that I have decided to summarise the key points of the book in a series of blog posts (to come), and I urge every parent who cares about the well-being of their children to read this book.

Being a text-book Mum doesn’t mean I follow everything I read (if that were the case, Gavin wouldn’t be watching TV or eating ice cream today).  It offers a guideline to raising children that I find more reliable than listening to hearsay.  Being widely read offers a parent more awareness and choices (if I had not read books, I would not have known about parenting practices like baby wearing, attachment parenting, extended breast-feeding, co-sleeping, etc. - parenting philosophies that I fully believe in and now practice with my son). 

Unless you read about what the different parenting philosophies are, how will you know if you agree or disagree with these practices?  Telling a text-book Mum she’s right or wrong for following certain recommended practices without having read the books she has read is like telling someone what you think of their cooking without having tasted what they have cooked.

Popularity: 10% [?]

Now that Gavin has been picking up new words on a daily basis, it is getting even easier to understand what he wants. He has developed words to express what he needs. For instance, he’ll say “bite” when he’s got an itch and he wants us to do something about it - like apply a cream to help soothe the itch.

Despite the increased vocabulary, there are times when it’s difficult to decipher what he wants because his pronunciation requires refining. When he’s echoing a word we’ve used, it’s fairly easy to understand what he means, but when he uses the unidentifiable sound at random, it can be quite a task figuring out the meaning.

For instance, he cannot pronounce “Thomas” so he says something that sounds like “dunno”. I suspected that “dunno” was in reference to “Thomas” because he would sign “train” when I didn’t produce what he wanted – his Thomas toy. It only became clear that “dunno” was “Thomas” when I was teaching him the concept of “big” and “small”. I pointed to his big Thomas toy and said “big Thomas,” then I pointed to the small Thomas toy and said “small Thomas.” When Gavin repeated after me, he said “big dunno” and “small dunno”.

Even with the confusion when the words don’t sound recognisable, the signs and words that Gavin has learned has made it a lot easier for us to understand what he wants. I feel certain that there is some correlation between this and the reduction in tantrums that I have noticed in recent times.

Of course there are still times when his emotions get the better of him and he gets upset before he’s even told me what he wanted. During such times, I realise the truth to what Margot Sunderland writes in The Science of Parenting about how children in distress tantrums lose their words and their ability to communicate. During such times, no matter how I ask him what he wants, he can only cry in frustration.

I find there are two ways to handle this situation that seem to work best.

1. Give Him Words

First I try to guess what he wants and offer him words to express himself. I find the technique that Harvey Karp recommends in Happiest Toddler on the Block works best – short sentences containing only a few words repeated over and over again until he can register what I’m saying through the storm of his tears. Because he is in distress, his ability to comprehend what I’m saying decreases dramatically.

One afternoon, when he woke up from his nap, I brought him downstairs like I normally did. On this occasion I was carrying him because he wanted to be carried. When I put him down onto the floor so he could play with his toys, he immediately dissolved into howls of frustration.

Surprised, I picked him back up and asked him what he wanted. For a while, all he could do was cry so I kept repeating, “Tell me what you want.” Finally, the crying subsided somewhat and he pointed in a vague direction. When he’s distressed, even his sense of direction is skewed because he would point to the kitchen when he meant to point to the front door.

I said repeatedly, “Go to the kitchen?” No answer so I started walking to the kitchen. The crying started again, so I quickly walked back and said, “No kitchen! No kitchen!”

When I finally figured out he was pointing to the front door, I said, “Gavin want to go out? Gavin go outside?”

When he nodded, I said, “Okay, we go outside.”

Once he knew he was going out, he gradually calmed down again and that was when I told him, “Gavin when you want something, tell me – use your words. If you want to go out to the garden, you say, ‘Mummy walk walk!’”

Yesterday, he wanted to go out to the garden and I heard him say, “Ah Mi, walk walk!”

I find that giving him words to express things he might want or need is very useful. Although I have to remind him a few times, he learns pretty quickly to tell me or any other member of the family.

Recently, I’ve been attempting to potty train him, so whenever I put on his training pants, I tell him that if he wants to go to the toilet, he should tell me, “Mummy wee wee” or “Mummy mm mm.” We had a hit and a couple of misses, but usually I had to ask him and check whether his pants were wet.

Yesterday, I was upstairs talking on the phone while Gavin was playing downstairs with my SIL2 and the maid. Apparently, he went to the maid and said, “Kakak mm mm.” Then he squatted down and grabbed his diaper. Although he had already pooped in his diaper by the time my SIL2 and the maid attempted to remove his diaper, I thought it was a giant leap forward in terms of his communication.

2. Hold Him

When I can’t figure out what Gavin wants during a distress tantrum, I usually just hold him and let the storm ride its course.

I’ve been trying to tune into his tantrums to distinguish between the distress tantrums from the Little Nero tantrums and I think I’m getting better at picking them. I still find he launches into distress tantrums more than the Little Nero ones at this age.

Reducing Confrontations

After reading so much about attachment parenting (also known as responsive parenting), I’ve been trying to put to practice more of the concepts in my interactions with Gavin.

One of the practices of attachment parenting is to know your child and his hot buttons so that you can minimise the number of occasions that you have to press them – especially when it is completely unnecessary.

There are times when it is completely unavoidable, such as when you have to tell him not to touch the power point for his own safety, but there are plenty of times when you can head off a tantrum before it begins.

For example, bath time is one of my biggest problems with Gavin – especially when it comes to getting him out. When I’m in a rush, I’ll usually skip the bath (if I don’t think he’s that dirty) or give him a wipe down with a wet cloth if I think he really needs it, so I don’t have to cramp his style by demanding that he get out of the bath before he’s ready.

That means that when he does have a bath, I have the time to wait until he’s ready to get out if I can’t convince him to come out through other means. And while I wait, I can do all those things I normally have to rush through, like floss my teeth, moisturise and any of those beauty routines I never have time for otherwise. That way I can also keep an eye on him to make sure he’s okay in the bath.

Know Your Child

Practicing responsive parenting has taught me a lot more about being able to understand Gavin. They say that some parents just instinctively know what their child wants or needs and I used to think that I was totally useless. Now I realise that a lot of that instinct has to do with knowing your child and how he ticks.

Sometime back, my MIL, Gavin and I went to the Parenthood Magazine publishing office to pick up his prize from winning one of the baby contests I entered him into. When we got home, my MIL announced, “Okay, we’re home!” Immediately, Gavin dissolved into tears of frustration.

Alarmed, my MIL exclaimed, “What’s wrong now?”

Instinctively (never thought I would be using this word about my son since I’ve always believed I had zero instincts when it came to understanding children), I knew that Gavin was upset because he thought he was going out to a shopping mall to walk, instead what he got was a quick trip to an office where all we did was pick up a parcel and come back home.

I told my MIL what I thought and she said, “Okay, okay, we go kai kai.”

We took Gavin for a brief shopping excursion to The Alpha Angle and after that he was quite content to come home.

These aren’t exactly an exhaustive list of managing toddlers with tantrums but I found they have significantly reduced the tantrums I have been experiencing with Gavin.

Popularity: 7% [?]

I confess that I was never always against the idea of corporal punishment.  At one stage, I even believed that if you “spare the rod”, you “spoil the child”.  My only defence lies in the fact that I believed it back in days before I became a parent.  I used to think that juvenile delinquents existed because their parents failed to discipline (read: smack, because back then discipline to me meant smacking, spanking, hitting or whatever name it goes by under the umbrella term of corporal punishment) them adequately when they were younger, and that was why I was all for corporal punishment. 

And then I became a mother.

And the maternal instincts kicked in.

Okay, okay, perhaps it started a little before that.  I was pregnant and the dog was misbehaving and while I was threatening to smack him for being “bad” that was about as far as I could go.  I couldn’t bring myself to inflict harm upon him.

Even as I look at my son, I don’t think I could lay a hand upon him and justify it under the term of “discipline”.

I decided “to each his own”.  Corporal punishment may be the way for some parents but it wasn’t going to be for me.

That was when I started reading to educate myself on what other options existed besides corporal punishment.  How else could I raise a well-behaved, confident and socially well-adjusted child?

Reading led to the discovery of the mounting evidence against corporal punishment and the ill-effects of corporal punishment on the developing brain of a child.  I was alarmed.  If my decision not to discipline my son with corporal punishment was born from an instinct, my conviction for that decision had been cemented by the evidence.  Where I once told the hubby that he could discipline our son as he saw fit and I would do as I saw fit, I now felt compelled to convince him of the dangers of corporal punishment.

Why is corporal punishment so damaging to a child?

Because corporal punishment causes stress in a child that is no different to the stress a child experiences when being bullied or suffering from child abuse.  Brain scans show structural and biochemical changes that affect social behaviour. 

Cell death in the anterior cingulate gyrus affects a child’s ability to moderate fear and to empathise.  Changes in the brain’s pathways affect a child’s ability to manage stress and being more prone to being impulsive, aggressive and/or anxious.  Long term changes to the adrenaline systems in the brain affect the ability to think clearly.  Impairment in the brain stem has been linked to ADHD, depression and impaired attention.  It also leads to more aggression and irritability.

Other changes to the brain have also been observed:

• decrease in size of the corpus callosum causing manic shifts in mood states
• reduced amygdala and hippocampus resulting in depression, irritability and hostility; and poor memory function
• effects to the GABA system making a child feel unsafe and constantly living in a state of alarm

Violent methods of discipline have also been linked to children with anti-social behaviour and increased prevalence of psychiatric disorders, while non-violent methods of discipline is linked to higher cognitive function.

A common argument for the corporal punishment camp is one that goes something along the lines of, “I was spanked as a child and I turned out okay.”

A couple of other arguments stem from this point as well.  Firstly, what is okay?  Could it be that if we weren’t smacked we might have more deeper and meaningful friendships?  Better relationships?  Lasting marriages?  Feel less depressed?  Perform better at work?  Have a better outlook and attitude towards life?

Secondly, children who have been hit by misguided well-intentioned parents are later able to reach a well adjusted adulthood because of the love, nurturance and appropriate limit-setting not because of the physical violence they received.

Jordan Riak cites an excellent example that articulates the fallacy of this belief rather aptly (incidentally, each and every one of these examples applies to my own childhood, too):

Let’s test the I-turned-out-okay argument by examining a few real-life examples from my own childhood. See if they apply to you.

1. There were ashtrays in every room of our house. My parents smoked, as did most adult visitors to our home. The aroma of cigarette, cigar and pipe smoke was always present. Nobody minded. In fact, not one day passed in my early life when I was not exposed to tobacco smoke. I was even exposed in the womb because my mother smoked when she was pregnant with me. And I turned out okay. 
2. The first family car I remember was a 1937 Chevrolet sedan. It had no seat belts. When we traveled, I was merely plunked down on the back seat with the expectation that gravity would keep me there. It did. And I turned out okay. 
3. All the places in which I lived as a child were painted with lead-based paint. And I turned out okay. 
4. I used a bicycle throughout my childhood and teen years, but never wore any kind of protective headgear. And I turned out okay.

Was my family wise or just lucky? Today, we don’t do those things anymore. We don’t take such risks, and we don’t expose our children to such risks – not if we know the facts.

Quite possibly, one of the uncomfortable notions about bashing corporal punishment is that many of us (at least in the circle of people that I know) were smacked at some stage when we were children.  The idea that our parents did wrong against us can be a rather uncomfortable one to face.  I’m not bashing the way we were raised by our parents.  They did what they felt was right at the time because they lacked the awareness of the possible side effects.  All the examples listed above are other ways our parents did “wrong” against us but they were accepted practices in their day.

I could cite a few more…

When I was a kid, I was treated by dentists who never wore gloves.  Would you allow a dentist to put her hands into your mouth now without gloves?

As a child, I was weaned by my mother because that was the recommended practice of the day but I don’t blame my mother for it, nor do I complain that I am intellectually weaker than my peers who were lucky enough to be breastfed as a result.

The Efficacy of Corporal Punishment

One might argue that corporal punishment is effective in conveying the message across to a child that they did wrong and that nothing else works quite as well.  Longitudinal studies have shown the converse to be true.  In fact, schools that had the highest rates of corporal punishment also had “the lowest graduation rates, the highest rates of teen pregnancy, the highest incarceration rates and the highest murder rates“.

From: The Influence of Corporal Punishment on Crime
By Adah Maurer, Ph.D. and James S. Wallerstein (1987)

You will find that adults who were hit as kids, while believing that it did them “no harm” can seldom articulate any way in which it helped them.  Let’s be honest, if you were smacked at a kid and you behaved after that, why did you behave?  Was it because you knew it was wrong?  Because you were afraid of getting smacked again?  Or because you didn’t want to disappoint your parents? 

Exactly what are the lessons learned from being hit?  Often it leads to bullying and the acceptance that it is okay to hit others.  What happened to the moral of the story?  Your child might behave in front of you but how will you know what goes on behind your back?  Discipline should be about raising morally-aware children with a social conscience, and not creating fear-inspired behaviours in a child that don’t last once the child is out of sight. 

There are Other Ways to Discipline

It also seems to me that a common misconception is that if I choose not to discipline my child by smacking him, I’m choosing not to discipline him at all (forgive me if I’m making a generalisation here as this is based on a comment made on a recent post I wrote about Choosing a Parenting Style).  Perhaps such thoughts are only limited to those near-sighted enough to believe that the only way to discipline a child is through violence.

There are other ways to discipline a child.  They are generally more time consuming and they also require more effort.  Let’s face it - it’s definitely a lot easier to just yell at your child or smack him for misbehaving.  It doesn’t require much thought and I’m sure the action alone will help you let off some steam from the anger buttons your child has just pushed.

This is a long and lengthy topic, but if you’re convinced that non-violent discipline is the way to go, then might I recommend these resources:

• AskDrSears
• The Discipline Book
• The Successful Child
• The Science of Parenting

Or at the very least read the evidence or dig deeper yourself:

• Plain Talk About Spanking
• Spanking by Parents and Subsequent Antisocial Behavior of Children
• CORPORAL PUNISHMENT BY MOTHERS AND COGNITIVE DEVELOPMENT OF CHILDREN: A LONGITUDINAL STUDY
• Slapping and spanking in childhood and its association with lifetime prevalence of psychiatric disorders
• The Influence of Corporal Punishment on Crime
• The Science of Parenting

Popularity: 11% [?]

I was browsing through a blog by Casia Talbert called Healthy Moms recently and came across one of her older posts about the topic of Parenting in which she asked her readers to share their thoughts.  With Gavin demonstrating a more willful nature of late and melting down into more frequent temper tantrums, I find my mind dwelling quite considerably on this topic of late.

What do I think?  Probably too much but I would still like to share what little experience I have gained since I officially became a mother some eighteen months ago (well, technically twenty-seven months ago if you include the pregnancy).

When the hubby and I decided that we wanted to have a baby, one of my biggest concerns was not knowing how to be a good parent.  I’m not talking so much about the basic stuff like bathing, feeding, changing diapers, etc, because those are things that are easily learned.  Neither am I talking about the areas of parenting which I feel are quite clear-cut regarding what is the best option for your child.  For instance, there is plenty of evidence substantiating breastmilk as the best source of nutrition for a baby. 

For me, the part of parenting that concerned me most was discipline.  How do you raise your child so that you can take comfort in knowing that when he is at school, he will make the right choices to stay away from drugs? How can you build a bond with your child so that when he is in trouble, the first person he comes to is you? How can you give your child the best start in life so that he doesn’t end up a juvenile deliquent?

When you read so many terrible stories in the papers about individuals who open up fire on innocent bystanders you have to wonder what happened in their lives that brought them to do such horrific acts.  I think the most horrifying article I have ever read in the papers was about two ten year old boys who tortured a six year old boy.  It really makes you wonder.

Well, it made me wonder anyway. 

When Martha Sears was criticised for having 8 children and contributing to the world’s over-population, she answered, “The world needs my children.”

What can I do as a parent to raise my children so that I too might be able to say, “The world needs my children”?

When the hubby and I started talking about having a baby, I admit I didn’t know the first thing about parenting books - who were the good authors, what were the different parenting philosophies and which ones should I rely on as a resource for raising Gavin.  In some ways, I feel like I missed out on doing a lot of things “right” for Gavin, especially in his first year, because I was too overwhelmed with being a new parent and all the things I had to learn to cope with.  I was too receptive to advice - good and bad.

When it comes to parenting, I find that there is plenty of advice floating around. Being a health science student, I find that I have always tended to look for evidence to substantiate theories rather than to follow the advice of heresay even if it comes from “experienced” parents who know better than me.  Perhaps that makes me annoying, but I would rather work with theories substantiated by studies of hundreds or thousands of children rather than advice that came from a single parent whose experience is limited to one, two or even ten children.

As a first time parent, there is often a lot of trial and error with your first child as you try to navigate your way through the wealth of parenting resource and advice available out there.  Even with all my efforts to educate myself, there are many things I feel I would do differently with my second child that I regret doing or not doing with Gavin.  And if I could go back to the days when I was still pregnant with Gavin, I would read these books in preparation for parenting Gavin:

1. The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland
2. The Baby Book by William and Martha Sears

I have been criticised for being too much of a textbook parent and for relying too heavily upon what I read as opposed to “what works”.  For instance, since having Gavin, I have developed a stance against “smacking” and corporal punishment.  To be honest, I haven’t always felt this way.  I used to believe in the credo “spare the rod, spoil the child”.  What changed my views was when I read The Science of Parenting - which is a book I believe every parent should read before deciding that it is okay to smack their kids.  It was then reaffirmed when I read the parenting philosophy of Dr Sears.

I have heard the argument, “Well, my parents smacked me and I turned out okay.”  True, a child who has been smacked may turn out okay, but why would you persist with such archaic forms of discipline when you know scientifically what it can do to a child’s fragile and developing mind? Our parents may have used these methods because they didn’t know better.  They didn’t have the benefit of science and parenting textbooks to guide them.  Heck!  Even the so-called experts in their day were leading them up the garden path (albeit with good intentions) - consider the numerous doctors who used to promote infant formula over breastmilk!

Why The Science of Parenting? 

Because The Science of Parenting is not based on some doctor’s theory of what she thinks is right, but practical findings from scientific studies of groups of children and how the developing brain works.

Why The Baby Book?

Because William Sears has been a paediatrician for thirty over years, and Martha Sears is a registered nurse and together they have raised eight children of their own.  As health professionals in the field, they have shared the experience of thousands of patients and conducted numerous studies of their own. Being parents of eight children of their own with very different personalities, they are no longer just scientists looking down a microscope and making observations, instead they have first hand experience of what it is like to to practice what they preach.

Had I read these books while I was still pregnant, I would have practiced Attachment Parenting right from day one.  I would have carried Gavin more and not taken so long to accept co-sleeping.  I would have spent more time playing with Gavin and gazing into his eyes instead of watching TV or reading books.  This is because discipline doesn’t begin when your child is old enough to understand you - it begins from day one of your child’s life.

Although the difficulties I currently face with Gavin may have occurred regardless of whether or not I had practiced attachment from day one, there is always going to be a part of me that wonders if he might have been “easier” to handle if I had.  Perhaps he is difficult to manage just because he is like Hayden - the Sears’ fourth child - spirited and determined.  I will never really know.  But just knowing there is another way means I will always keep trying to be a better parent and all I can do is hope that what I do is enough.

Popularity: 12% [?]

There’s a stomach flu bug going around and it struck me again, although I think I had a milder reaction to it this time.  Although I felt really crook, I didn’t have any fever (despite the fact that the doctor registered a mild elevation in body temperature).  I had a headache and muscular aches all over again - symptomatic of viral infections, meaning no antibiotics required, and I felt general malaise (that-out-of-sorts feeling you get when you’re getting ill) and fatigue.  I had stomach upset and a lack of appetite, an increased need to defecate, although no diarrhoea, and I was nauseous.

As usual, I was reluctant to go to the doctor because I knew what was wrong, what diagnosis the doctor would pronounce and what treatment he would recommend.  My MIL was concerned, so I agreed in the end to go.  Also because hubby and MIL have been wondering if I’m pregnant since my symptoms seem so mild so I wanted to get that score settled once and for all. It took me nearly an hour to see the doctor - this is exactly why I don’t like to see doctors when it feels so unnecessary.  I already feel crummy, all I want to do is sleep and I have to sit in a waiting room with sick people to see a doctor who’s going to tell me what I already know.

Well, I know better next time.  My poor MIL was forced to entertain Gavin for that entire hour while I waited so it can’t have been much fun for her either.

The doctor’s diagnosis? A viral infection originating from the stomach - apparently seems there’s a lot of this going around lately.  No kidding.  I just had it about two or three weeks ago.  He did ask about my period but since I only had it about a couple of weeks ago, he immediately ruled out a possible pregnancy.  It’s definitely way too early for any pregnancy symptoms to show.

The treatment? Stay away from oily and spicy foods.  Milk is still okay, unless I start getting diarrhoea.  100Plus or Excel will be good for the nausea (something I usually drink when I’m dehydrated, feeling nauseous or when I’ve had diarrhoea because it replaces lost electrolytes and because my body seems to naturally crave for it).  Paracetamol for the fever and aches, some anti-nausea pills and anti-diarrhoea pills (which I think were of a similar nature to lomotil).

Well, I could have told myself that…

Anyway, the thing that I’ve been wondering is whether Gavin’s been having the bug, too, and feeling crabby because of it?  It might also explain his two episodes of vomiting recently.  Although I know that crying hard can cause babies to throw up but I always thought that was only with really young babies - don’t quote me on this, I haven’t researched it. 

While it is still possible that he threw up because he was upset, I did notice that on the first night he was nursing quietly for a while and then suddenly, it was as if something upset him and he sat bolt upright and starting howling until he threw up (despite all my best efforts to pacify him).

Regardless, I have found a way around the night-time crying before bedtime (or at least minimising it).  I’ve discovered it isn’t so much to do with whether he had one nap or two naps during the day (although, clearly, having that morning nap does improve his disposition somewhat).  It’s got to do with how I put him to sleep.

Sometime back when I had the first episode of the stomach flu, I was so achy, I just couldn’t bear the thought of rocking him and carrying him up and down the room for half an hour to an hour.  Praying that Gavin would be kind to a sick Mummy, I just popped him on my breast and lay down beside him to sleep.  Although I had to go through a routine of switching breasts everytime he came off before he had fallen asleep, I found it infinitely better than having to rock him.  The great thing was that Gavin eventually fell asleep (and so did I).

It worked so well, that even after I got better, I decided to continue this method of putting Gavin to bed.  And it continued to work, at least, up until the day he threw up.  After he threw up the second night, I decided to switch his naptime routine back to its original timing - morning nap when he started to get tired, and an afternoon nap if I could get him to sleep.  That night, I started his bedtime routine by nursing him.  It seemed like he was almost about to fall asleep, then suddenly, as if someone pressed a magic button, he was up and about and ready to explore again. 

Without missing a beat, I scooped him up and started to rock him as I paced around the room.  Clearly he was tired because I noticed his head dropping onto my shoulder shortly after I started pacing.  When he was almost asleep, I brought him back to the bed and nursed him to sleep again.

Although it’s more tedious this way, and definitely more exhausting for me, I feel better about it because it stems off the crying.  Indeed, when I reviewed The Science of Parenting, Sunderland writes that “if your under-five child is hyperaroused and out-of-control, pick her up and hold her.  With high levels of physical arousal, she won’t be able to focus on what you are saying, however simply it is expressed”.  When you hold your child, make sure you’re calm, not angry.  Your child needs to feel that you are in control because their out-of-control state can be very terrifying for them.  It helps them to know that there is some big and calm who can help them manage their intense emotions.

I’ve been reading one of the parenting forums about toddlers and sleep and it seems parents feel pressured to get their toddler to sleep in their own room after the age of one.  They do so even if it means crying spells and vomiting, although the latter seems to cause a certain amount of distress to some parents.  Somehow they can take the crying, but they can’t take the vomiting.  What I found particularly alarming is when parents write that they feel their child is vomiting on purpose.  I mean, we’re talking about a child under two, who is in a hysterical state - the child is highly unlikely to be in any frame of mind to manipulate his parents into feeling guilt by forcing himself to vomit.

Even adults have difficulty thinking straight when they’re upset.  Imagine how much more difficult it would be for a toddler…

While we’re on the topic of manipulation, yes, I don’t doubt that children are often testing the boundaries with their parents and seeing how far they can push them to get a reaction.  They are learning how to push our buttons through observation and they also quickly discern who the weakest link is.  At the same time, you can also learn a lot about your child as you watch him grow.

For instance, when Gavin throws a fake cry, I know instantly it isn’t real.  He makes a few coughing sounds that appears as if he’s trying to cry but not succeeding.  It’s also easy to get him to forget about his pretend state by engaging him in other activities.  Whereas when he’s really upset, it’s almost as if nothing you say appears to penetrate the howls.  It takes time to calm him down.

I guess that’s the challenge of being a parent - being able to distinguish when your child is playing up and when they’re crying for you to save them from their emotions.  As your child grows older and becomes more adept, it gets harder, but at this age (Gavin’s age now), I think it’s still quite straightforward.

Popularity: 13% [?]

I read the following article from my BFF’s site and felt that it was an article that every new parent should read.  Too often I hear about parents, relatives, friends, etc. making negative comments about picking babies up too often, allowing them to co-sleep, carrying them around.  The comments I often hear run something along the lines of spoiling the baby, and being manipulated by baby.  Well, here’s a comment I’ve heard that really resonates with me: “Fruits spoil, babies don’t.”

I believe in attachment parenting and everything that goes with it - the breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and baby-wearing.  Perhaps I have too strong an opinion about it, but I believe in scientific parenting, evidence-based parenting, natural parenting, or whatever you want to call it.  There is a growing body of evidence screaming to be read that contradicts a lot of the parenting philosophies of our modern society and the following article is one such piece of evidence.

I have been criticised for being a text-book Mum and for going against a lot of “hand-me-down” advice, but I stand firmly by what is proven and factual - not what is believed or theoretical.  My parenting philosophies aren’t based on any individual’s ideology, they’re based on findings in human development studies.  My parenting principles are founded on findings that take into consideration large study group populations with children of different personality types, environmental backgrounds, and socioeconomic standing.  They are more than just one mother’s experience with her children.

If you’re like me, then don’t take my word for it.  Read the articles for yourself and make your own conclusions.

Children Need Touching and Attention, Harvard Researchers Say
By Alvin Powell

(Source: The Harvard University Gazette)

http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/1998/04.09/ChildrenNeedTou.html

America’s “let them cry” attitude toward children may lead to more fears and tears among adults, according to two Harvard Medical School researchers.

Instead of letting infants cry, American parents should keep their babies close, console them when they cry, and bring them to bed with them, where they’ll feel safe, according to Michael L. Commons and Patrice M. Miller, researchers at the Medical School’s Department of Psychiatry.

The pair examined childrearing practices here and in other cultures and say the widespread American practice of putting babies in separate beds — even separate rooms — and not responding quickly to their cries may lead to incidents of post-traumatic stress and panic disorders when these children reach adulthood.

The early stress resulting from separation causes changes in infant brains that makes future adults more susceptible to stress in their lives, say Commons and Miller.

“Parents should recognize that having their babies cry unnecessarily harms the baby permanently,” Commons said. “It changes the nervous system so they’re overly sensitive to future trauma.”

The Harvard researchers’ work is unique because it takes a cross-disciplinary approach, examining brain function, emotional learning in infants, and cultural differences, according to Charles R. Figley, director of the Traumatology Institute at Florida State University and editor of The Journal of Traumatology.

“It is very unusual but extremely important to find this kind of interdisciplinary and multidisciplinary research report,” Figley said. “It accounts for cross-cultural differences in children’s emotional response and their ability to cope with stress, including traumatic stress.”

Figley said Commons and Miller’s work illuminates a route of further study and could have implications for everything from parents’ efforts to intellectually stimulate infants to practices such as circumcision.

Commons has been a lecturer and research associate at the Medical School’s Department of Psychiatry since 1987 and is a member of the Department’s Program in Psychiatry and the Law.

Miller has been a research associate at the School’s Program in Psychiatry and the Law since 1994 and an assistant professor of psychology at Salem State College since 1993. She received master’s and doctorate degrees in human development from the Graduate School of Education.

The pair say that American childrearing practices are influenced by fears that children will grow up dependent. But they say that parents are on the wrong track: physical contact and reassurance will make children more secure and better able to form adult relationships when they finally head out on their own.

“We’ve stressed independence so much that it’s having some very negative side effects,” Miller said.

The two gained the spotlight in February when they presented their ideas at the American Association for the Advancement of Science’s annual meeting in Philadelphia.

Commons and Miller, using data Miller had worked on that was compiled by Robert A. LeVine, Roy Edward Larsen Professor of Education and Human Development, contrasted American childrearing practices with those of other cultures, particularly the Gusii people of Kenya. Gusii mothers sleep with their babies and respond rapidly when the baby cries.

“Gusii mothers watching videotapes of U.S. mothers were upset by how long it took these mothers to respond to infant crying,” Commons and Miller said in their paper on the subject.

The way we are brought up colors our entire society, Commons and Miller say. Americans in general don’t like to be touched and pride themselves on independence to the point of isolation, even when undergoing a difficult or stressful time.

Despite the conventional wisdom that babies should learn to be alone, Miller said she believes many parents “cheat,” keeping the baby in the room with them, at least initially. In addition, once the child can crawl around, she believes many find their way into their parents’ room on their own.

American parents shouldn’t worry about this behavior or be afraid to baby their babies, Commons and Miller said. Parents should feel free to sleep with their infant children, to keep their toddlers nearby, perhaps on a mattress in the same room, and to comfort a baby when it cries.

“There are ways to grow up and be independent without putting babies through this trauma,” Commons said. “My advice is to keep the kids secure so they can grow up and take some risks.”

Besides fears of dependence, the pair said other factors have helped form our childrearing practices, including fears that children would interfere with sex if they shared their parents’ room and doctors’ concerns that a baby would be injured by a parent rolling on it if the parent and baby shared the bed. Additionally, the nation’s growing wealth has helped the trend toward separation by giving families the means to buy larger homes with separate rooms for children.

The result, Commons and Miller said, is a nation that doesn’t like caring for its own children, a violent nation marked by loose, nonphysical relationships.

“I think there’s a real resistance in this culture to caring for children,” Commons said. But “punishment and abandonment has never been a good way to get warm, caring, independent people.”

Popularity: 12% [?]

My BFF wrote a post about her son sleeping better next to Daddy and I have noticed that Gavin also sleeps better when either hubby or I are sleeping next to him.  Even when he is in the cot next to our bed, I notice he tends to stir more in the middle of the night compared to when he sleeps in our bed.

Much of the literature advise against co-sleeping, citing SIDS as one of the potential dangers, but there is a lot of evidence to date that indicate otherwise.  For instance, in The Science of Parenting, a number of studies were quoted with the findings that babies who co-slept actually breathed better at night.  It is believed that this is the reason why the incidence of SIDS is lower in countries where co-sleeping is the norm.

The new theory on the cause of SIDS is that some babies are born with minute heart defects so insignificant that they are not detected at birth.  These defects later manifest themselves leading to the inexplicable death of a baby.  Again, this is still a theory but it seems to fit in better with the statistics of the incidence of SIDS.

Popularity: 8% [?]

I think my previous posts quoting from this book shouts volumes what I think of this book. 

From the moment I knew I was going to have a baby, I have been a bit of text-book Mum.  I researched everything about my pregnancy and about raising a baby that was remotely contentious to make sure I was doing the right thing by my child according to the experts.  The only aspect that seemed to lack real documentary evidence was parenting. 

When my cousin recommended this book to me, it was like it had been written for me.  One of my greatest fears - and one of the reasons why I have always put off the idea of having children - is that I won’t know how to raise them.  I’m not referring to the physical aspects of caring for a child, but rather, the emotional aspects.

As a person keenly interested in psychology, I have often wondered about the children of today - what turns a child into a delinquent and what keeps them on the straight and narrow?  Why do we often hear stories about the kids who had everything and yet they still became the miscreants of society?  Then what about the children who, against all odds, managed to rise above the adversities that life had cast upon them?  Of course, I am aware, too, that for every star that was created out of such misfortunes, there are plenty that never amount to anything either.  Those are the ones whose stories we never hear about.

Even though I know that what a child grows up to be inspite of their environment also has a certain relation to that child’s disposition, I wonder what I can do to ensure my child gets off to the best start in life.  There have been so many times during my pregnancy when I felt anxious about whether I would be a good Mum.  I worried whether I would know how to do the “right” thing when raising Gavin so that I wouldn’t leave him a scarred individual by the time he became a grown man.  It also troubled me that I had not come across any scientifically proven methods of parenting.

“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you” - Matthew 7:7

Indeed.  It feels as though I have been willing this book into existence.

Now that I have found it, I feel a desperate need to propagate its findings because it casts a rather gloomy shadow over many of the old parenting philosophies.  In fact, the very philosophies that we are often advised by the “old hats” in parenting and even those that our parents have communicated to us, have been found to have quite damaging effects on a child.  For instance, leaving a baby to cry-it-out, and not carrying a child too much to avoid spoiling them.

I like the phrase I once read - “Fruit spoils.  Babies don’t.”

The Science of Parenting challenges a lot of the parenting philosophies that are as old as our parents’ generation.  I know a lot of our parents often say, “Well, I raised you and look at how you turned out?  You’re fine.”  Unfortunately, we can’t quote a single example and make a generalisation out of it.  As I mentioned earlier, a child’s disposition also has a lot to do with how they handle what life pans out to them.

Even though I know my child isn’t as fragile as I often make him out to be, I would still like to know that I have done everything within my power to give him a headstart. 

Popularity: 9% [?]