Now that Gavin has been picking up new words on a daily basis, it is getting even easier to understand what he wants. He has developed words to express what he needs. For instance, he’ll say “bite” when he’s got an itch and he wants us to do something about it - like apply a cream to help soothe the itch.

Despite the increased vocabulary, there are times when it’s difficult to decipher what he wants because his pronunciation requires refining. When he’s echoing a word we’ve used, it’s fairly easy to understand what he means, but when he uses the unidentifiable sound at random, it can be quite a task figuring out the meaning.

For instance, he cannot pronounce “Thomas” so he says something that sounds like “dunno”. I suspected that “dunno” was in reference to “Thomas” because he would sign “train” when I didn’t produce what he wanted – his Thomas toy. It only became clear that “dunno” was “Thomas” when I was teaching him the concept of “big” and “small”. I pointed to his big Thomas toy and said “big Thomas,” then I pointed to the small Thomas toy and said “small Thomas.” When Gavin repeated after me, he said “big dunno” and “small dunno”.

Even with the confusion when the words don’t sound recognisable, the signs and words that Gavin has learned has made it a lot easier for us to understand what he wants. I feel certain that there is some correlation between this and the reduction in tantrums that I have noticed in recent times.

Of course there are still times when his emotions get the better of him and he gets upset before he’s even told me what he wanted. During such times, I realise the truth to what Margot Sunderland writes in The Science of Parenting about how children in distress tantrums lose their words and their ability to communicate. During such times, no matter how I ask him what he wants, he can only cry in frustration.

I find there are two ways to handle this situation that seem to work best.

1. Give Him Words

First I try to guess what he wants and offer him words to express himself. I find the technique that Harvey Karp recommends in Happiest Toddler on the Block works best – short sentences containing only a few words repeated over and over again until he can register what I’m saying through the storm of his tears. Because he is in distress, his ability to comprehend what I’m saying decreases dramatically.

One afternoon, when he woke up from his nap, I brought him downstairs like I normally did. On this occasion I was carrying him because he wanted to be carried. When I put him down onto the floor so he could play with his toys, he immediately dissolved into howls of frustration.

Surprised, I picked him back up and asked him what he wanted. For a while, all he could do was cry so I kept repeating, “Tell me what you want.” Finally, the crying subsided somewhat and he pointed in a vague direction. When he’s distressed, even his sense of direction is skewed because he would point to the kitchen when he meant to point to the front door.

I said repeatedly, “Go to the kitchen?” No answer so I started walking to the kitchen. The crying started again, so I quickly walked back and said, “No kitchen! No kitchen!”

When I finally figured out he was pointing to the front door, I said, “Gavin want to go out? Gavin go outside?”

When he nodded, I said, “Okay, we go outside.”

Once he knew he was going out, he gradually calmed down again and that was when I told him, “Gavin when you want something, tell me – use your words. If you want to go out to the garden, you say, ‘Mummy walk walk!’”

Yesterday, he wanted to go out to the garden and I heard him say, “Ah Mi, walk walk!”

I find that giving him words to express things he might want or need is very useful. Although I have to remind him a few times, he learns pretty quickly to tell me or any other member of the family.

Recently, I’ve been attempting to potty train him, so whenever I put on his training pants, I tell him that if he wants to go to the toilet, he should tell me, “Mummy wee wee” or “Mummy mm mm.” We had a hit and a couple of misses, but usually I had to ask him and check whether his pants were wet.

Yesterday, I was upstairs talking on the phone while Gavin was playing downstairs with my SIL2 and the maid. Apparently, he went to the maid and said, “Kakak mm mm.” Then he squatted down and grabbed his diaper. Although he had already pooped in his diaper by the time my SIL2 and the maid attempted to remove his diaper, I thought it was a giant leap forward in terms of his communication.

2. Hold Him

When I can’t figure out what Gavin wants during a distress tantrum, I usually just hold him and let the storm ride its course.

I’ve been trying to tune into his tantrums to distinguish between the distress tantrums from the Little Nero tantrums and I think I’m getting better at picking them. I still find he launches into distress tantrums more than the Little Nero ones at this age.

Reducing Confrontations

After reading so much about attachment parenting (also known as responsive parenting), I’ve been trying to put to practice more of the concepts in my interactions with Gavin.

One of the practices of attachment parenting is to know your child and his hot buttons so that you can minimise the number of occasions that you have to press them – especially when it is completely unnecessary.

There are times when it is completely unavoidable, such as when you have to tell him not to touch the power point for his own safety, but there are plenty of times when you can head off a tantrum before it begins.

For example, bath time is one of my biggest problems with Gavin – especially when it comes to getting him out. When I’m in a rush, I’ll usually skip the bath (if I don’t think he’s that dirty) or give him a wipe down with a wet cloth if I think he really needs it, so I don’t have to cramp his style by demanding that he get out of the bath before he’s ready.

That means that when he does have a bath, I have the time to wait until he’s ready to get out if I can’t convince him to come out through other means. And while I wait, I can do all those things I normally have to rush through, like floss my teeth, moisturise and any of those beauty routines I never have time for otherwise. That way I can also keep an eye on him to make sure he’s okay in the bath.

Know Your Child

Practicing responsive parenting has taught me a lot more about being able to understand Gavin. They say that some parents just instinctively know what their child wants or needs and I used to think that I was totally useless. Now I realise that a lot of that instinct has to do with knowing your child and how he ticks.

Sometime back, my MIL, Gavin and I went to the Parenthood Magazine publishing office to pick up his prize from winning one of the baby contests I entered him into. When we got home, my MIL announced, “Okay, we’re home!” Immediately, Gavin dissolved into tears of frustration.

Alarmed, my MIL exclaimed, “What’s wrong now?”

Instinctively (never thought I would be using this word about my son since I’ve always believed I had zero instincts when it came to understanding children), I knew that Gavin was upset because he thought he was going out to a shopping mall to walk, instead what he got was a quick trip to an office where all we did was pick up a parcel and come back home.

I told my MIL what I thought and she said, “Okay, okay, we go kai kai.”

We took Gavin for a brief shopping excursion to The Alpha Angle and after that he was quite content to come home.

These aren’t exactly an exhaustive list of managing toddlers with tantrums but I found they have significantly reduced the tantrums I have been experiencing with Gavin.

Popularity: 2% [?]

My brother is coming to town this weekend meaning it was time to get the other house cleaned up so that it is livable.  My MIL graciously loaned me her maid on Wednesday and today to get it cleaned up, despite having worship to prepare for (it’s the Chinese ghost month).

As always, I feel a need to pick apart a difficult morning and analyse it minute to minute and wonder fruitlessly if there might have been anything I could have done differently to have made it somewhat better.  Please indulge me because when I went downstairs to discard our soiled clothes, I started to rant to my SIL2 and forgot to tell I just wanted her to listen to me and be patient with me with regards to not offering any advice.  You know how it is when you’re in that state where you’re not really ready to listen to anyone’s advice, but you just want to get something off your chest? (Sorry SIL2 - you did good, I just wasn’t ready to listen).

So what happened?

Gavin slept early last night and woke up at 6:30am this morning which was a little too early for us to get going to the other house.  If I’ve learned anything about my son, it is that the best time to get him to cooperate and sit in his carseat is if we leave the house within two hours of him waking up.  Since 8:30am is peak hour, I thought I’d try to get him to go back to sleep again for another hour or two.

Not a chance!  He’d already slept 11 hours straight so I guess he wasn’t in the mood to go back to sleep.  Got downstairs by about 8:45am and asked the maid to take her travel meds (she’s got motion sickness) so we could get going as soon as possible.  I knew we were already off to a bad start but I had to try.

I pre-empted Gavin about sitting in the carseat and he cooperatively nodded his head.  Good sign.  I went to get breakfast while we waited for my MIL to get back.  When I tried to change his clothes, he flat out refused to put on his diaper.  He wouldn’t wear his clothes either even though I had brought out his already snug fitting Mickey Mouse outfit he got for his first year birthday that I knew he liked to wear.  Bad sign. 

He was also rubbing his eyes.  Bad bad sign.

He was vaguely asking for milk.  Bad bad bad sign.

When my MIL came back, he cooperated a little to get the clothes on but by then he wasn’t in any mood to sit in the carseat.  We tried everything that had ever worked in the past:

• sang all manner of songs
• offered him books
• offered him toys
• offered him a lollipop
• got the maid to sit in the car first
• told him he was going to go “walk walk”

None of it worked.  He just got more hysterical the more we tried to put him into his carseat.  Finally, I gave up trying to get him to sit.  I figured my brother wasn’t that much of a clean freak anyway.  I’m sure he wouldn’t notice a bit of dirt here and there.

But by now Gavin was so geared up to go out, he didn’t want to go back into the house.  He cried when I tried to get him into the car, he cried when I tried to get him back into the house.

I knew what he wanted.  He wanted to go “walk walk”.  So I thought I would placate him with a walk around the garden.  But no, he wanted to get into the car and drive to one of those “faraway” places to “walk walk”.  And he wanted me to sit with him in the backseat and nurse him.

I explained to him that I couldn’t do that because who was going to drive the car?  I couldn’t get the maid to sit in the back with him because even with her meds, she was still very proned to motion sickness and especially so if she had to handle Gavin.  I couldn’t ask my MIL or my SIL2 to help because they were both busy.

I couldn’t placate him with a walk in the garden and I couldn’t convince him to get back into the house.  Finally he puked - all over himself and myself.

So I took him up to shower - which he didn’t want to either.  I finally convinced him to practice transferring water between his bowl and cup - currently his favourite passtime - and he relented.  Got him cleaned up, after which he was so tired, he fell asleep on the boob.

To be fair to Gavin, I know he wasn’t deliberately trying to be difficult.  He was getting tired and his patience was wearing thin.  There are times when a child is deliberately being difficult and there are times when he’s a slave to his passions.  This morning, it was definitely the latter.

In retrospect, I know there wasn’t anything I could have done differently (except not try to go out when I knew all the conditions were wrong - which is exactly what I would have done if I didn’t need to go over to the other house to get it clean).

Okay, it was still a difficult morning, but at least I’m convinced now that I didn’t totally mismanage the whole morning.  Thanks for listening.

Popularity: 6% [?]

Is it just me or did my toddler come out with an extra burst of defiance/anger/frustration the moment he turned 18 months?  In the past couple of weeks, he’s been driving me to my wits end with his inexplicable howls of fury.  I suppose this is what they mean when they said the terrible twos peak at 18 months.

Occasionally, I can determine the cause, even if I can’t figure out what to do to calm the storm.  For instance, he was playing with a set of blocks recently.  It is a cylindrical container divided into half with the coloured blocks on one side and the uncoloured blocks on the other.  Gavin decided to move all the coloured blocks into the same side as the uncoloured blocks.  When the blocks started over flowing and falling out of the container, he got so mad he threw the blocks and started screaming in frustration.  When I tried to help him he got even angrier.

Another time, he woke up in the middle of the night with a blocked nose.  He started crying because he couldn’t breathe.  This has happened before when he was younger but he would usually go back to sleep after I carrying him upright and pat his back.  Lately, he works himself up to a crying fit that makes it worse because his nose starts to run and further blocks his airway.

His reactions have become excessive and he blows up a storm over what appears to be the most minor issues.  It has been terribly trying and although I start off trying to console him, I find myself losing my temper and yelling back at times.  The yelling back makes me feel a little better but it really doesn’t help Gavin at all because it just makes him more hysterical.

Although I have been getting parenting advice by well-wishing onlookers that I should reign in my highly spirited child before all this gets out of hand, the recent Baby Center newsletter I received in my mail indicates that temper tantrums at this age are all part of the norm.  The cause of it is many-fold but there are ways to help minimise the number of storms or at least reduce their severity:

1. Hunger can increase a child’s likelihood of having a meltdown so always make sure you have snacks on hand.
2. Fatigue can be a cause for a shorter fuse than normal.
3. Under-stimulation - a child who is bored is more likely to get up to something.
4. Balance off your negative moments by creating more positive moments - i.e. take your child to the park where he can run wild without you having to tell him off for every little thing his curiosity gets the better of.  Having more “fun” sessions with your child will also help - for instance, playing hide and seek, chase, rough and tumble, etc.
5. Give your child advance warning by telling him what’s going to happen rather than springing surprises on him.  I noticed when we told Gavin what was going to happen, he usually behaved a lot better than if we tried to slip one past him.  For instance, we told him we were going out without him because Mummy needed to see the doctor, rather than trying to sneak out of the house without him.  Whenever we’re out, I now pre-empt him that we’re going to go home and he usually takes it pretty well.
6. Engage your child with simple decisions involving two choices (offering too many options will confuse your toddler) - e.g. do you want to wear the blue shoes or the brown ones?
7. Allow your toddler to help whenever possible.  There’s an added advantage to this, too - in my case, I have a handy little rubbish disposer who saves me having to walk to the bin.

As they say, every child is different and every situation is different, but I think I’m starting to make some headway when it comes to managing Gavin’s stormy outbursts.

Popularity: 4% [?]

I recently started showing Gavin “Finding Nemo” because I needed to distract him and all his DVDs were downstairs.  Knowing that Gavin loves fish, I figured he would enjoy “Finding Nemo”, so I put it on for him.  True to my expectations, Gavin loved “Finding Nemo“, so much so that he would now sign “fish” every time he wanted to watch it.

All was going well until I discovered that he had picked up something “bad” from watching the movie…

This was something my SIL2 related to me when Gavin was playing in the kitchen one day.  He opened one of the drawers and started rumaging through it even though we have told him on numerous occasions that the drawers are off limits.  Usually a stern warning is enough to get him to close the drawer and retreat.  On this day, when my SIL2 told him to stop playing and close the drawer, he eyed her fiercely and continued swinging his hands through the drawer, all the while maintaining his defiant gaze in her direction.

If you have ever seen “Finding Nemo”, you will recall that early on the movie there is a scene when Nemo swims out to the boat after his father forbids him to go near it.  Marlin then starts threatening Nemo, saying something along the lines of, “Don’t you dare touch that boat!”  To which, Nemo stares back defiantly and smacks the boat with his fin.

Hmmm… sounds a little too coincidental, don’t you think?

Now I know the real reason why kids shouldn’t watch TV and why you should screen through everything your child watches if you insist on letting them watch it…

Popularity: 6% [?]

The “Terrible Twos” is a phase that a child goes through that usually begins after turning one.  It peaks at the age 18 months and can last up until a child turns three.  There are essentially two reasons why it occurs:

1. In the second year, most children gain mobility and with mobility comes freedom and independence.  A child of that age begins to assert himself - he’s testing boundaries by pushing limits and seeing how far he can go before his parents reign him in.  It is also frustrating for him to be met with “no” on a constant basis when previously everything he wanted to do was encouraged.  Think about how we encourage our infants to crawl, to walk, to learn through exploration and to speak.  Suddenly, we’re telling them to stop touching things, that there are places they can’t go and we’re telling them to be quiet.  Now that’s got to be pretty confusing to a toddler.
2. In the second year, most children are still unable to communicate their needs and desires effectively and the inability to articulate themselves is intensely frustrating.  Think of how you would feel in a country with a foreign language you don’t speak and you cannot tell anyone what you need because they don’t understand you.  That’s exactly how a toddler feels but a toddler hasn’t the ability to reason and being understanding about it so it’s even worse for him. 

To manage the first, it is important to give your toddler a lot of warning before something is about to happen.  Just because he’s a child with a short attention span doesn’t mean he hasn’t got any feelings.  Particularly when I know I’m about to do something he won’t like, I make sure I tell him.  I learned my lesson the hard way when I tried to sneak off without telling him and I’ve come to realise that honesty really is the best policy especially when it comes to your toddler.

As for the “nos” we have to say when our toddlers get into the cutlery drawer, attempt to play with the power sockets, trying to jump into the pond, etc.  I’m afraid there’s not much you can do to avoid these frustrations, however, I usually find that the concern and fear in my voice is enough to make him realise I’m doing it for his own good.  I occasionally have to deal with a screaming and howling toddler, but the episodes are lessening somewhat.

With regards to frustrations due to the inability to articulate their wants and needs, teaching Gavin sign language has really helped me a lot.  For instance, he can sign “shoes” to tell me something about his shoes is bothering him otherwise I wouldn’t know why he was being fussy. 

Then there was the other day when he wanted to watch “Finding Nemo”.  He started fussing and crying but I didn’t know why.  Although I was a little slow on the uptake, I eventually noticed that he was signing “fish” and immediately realised that he wanted to watch “Finding Nemo”.  Now if he hadn’t been able to sign “fish”, who knows how long that little tantrum would have persisted.

The other sign he often uses is “train”.  Thomas is currently his favourite toy and he often wants his Thomas book and train.  He has got quite a number of words in his repertoire and he copies what we say occasionally, but his speech is still limited and signing still plays an important role to help us understand what he wants.

Teaching Gavin how to sign has a number of benefits:

• it provides him with a means of communication when he lacks the words to express himself verbally
• it helps train his motor coordination
• it trains his observation skills
• it offers us an entertaining game to play in the car
• it has made me more observant to his cues as I try to understand what he wants

For any parent wondering about whether to teach their infants sign language - I highly recommend it.  You can start as early as four months and keep persisting with it even if you don’t see any results.  When your child starts signing back, you will be amazed by how much was picked up by your child.

These tips may not resolve all your Terrible Twos problems but it will certainly help lessen the pain of it.

Popularity: 6% [?]

I first attempted to use Toddlerese on Gavin when he was about 9 months old.  Although the book, The Happiest Toddler on the BLock, is intended to be used on children from age 1-4, I was told that it can be used from 9 months onwards.  I even bought the DVD just so I could watch Harvey Karp, the master, in action to get the technique right.  My attempts to use Toddlerese produced somewhat mediocre results so I gave up on the technique until recently.

I’m not even sure why I started using it again.  It was just one of those flashes of inspiration that come when you least expect it.  Gavin was in the shower, and as usual, he was refusing to come out.  I knew that if I snatched him up and took him out of the shower, he would immediately arche his back and scream the house down. 

Ordinarily, I would have waited until he was ready to come out of the shower, or I would have forcibly dragged him out against his will when I didn’t have the time to be patient.  On that day, when I told him it was time to come out, he immediately threw his head back and started to protest even before I had attempted to pick him up.

I said, “Gavin want to play water?  Play water?  Play water?”  I accompanied my words with the sign for “play” and “water”. 

Gavin stopped protesting and looked at me in surprise.  There was an almost imperceptible nod as he agreed with what I was saying. 

I continued, “You want to play water.  You say, ‘play water, play water, play water.’  Mummy says, ‘later, okay? We have to go out now.’  Does Gavin want to go kai kai?  Does Gavin want to go kai kai?” (”kai kai” translates to “shopping”)

Gavin nodded.  Then I picked him up and took him out of the shower without further ado.

I have since used Toddlerese on other occasions with pretty pleasing results.  I think the major difference between using Toddlerese now and some months back is that Gavin understands what I am saying to him now.  In the earlier months, there was probably still some confusion as to what I was saying and he probably wasn’t sure if I understood what he wanted to do.

Toddlerese is supposed to help your toddler understand that you know what he wants to do and you acknowledge that he wants to do it.  Once he realises that you understand him and where he’s coming from, he is more willing to listen to what you want him to do.

Here are three tricks I’ve learned on how to get Toddlerese working for me:

• There are two parts to Toddlerese: the first is to make sure your toddler knows you know what he wants to do.  The second is to tell him what you want him to do, distract him, or change course through whatever means possible.  I never launch into the second step until he’s completely quiet and listening to me.  If he begins to protest again, I revert back to the first step - repeating what I think he wants to do, using words I think he would say if he knew how.
• When I tell him what I want him to do, I always make sure there is something in it for him that he likes.  For instance, I want him to get out of the shower, but I also know he likes to go shopping, so I tell him, “let’s get out of the shower so we can go shopping,” or, “let’s go upstairs to bathe then watch Baby Signing Time.”
• When I can remember, I’ll use Toddlerese even before he protests - especially when I am about to do something I know he won’t like, like taking him out of the bath, or sending him to sleep.

There are still a couple of situations for which I have yet to perfect my use of Toddlerese:

• Getting Gavin to sit in the car seat when he’s already in a crabby mood.
• Getting Gavin to go to sleep when he’s already lost it.

I’ll let you know when I get that part of the formula right.  For now, I’m just glad that Toddlerese has managed to help me stave off some of Gavin’s impending tantrums.

Popularity: 8% [?]

They call it the “terrible twos” but really it should be called the “onerous ones” or perhaps the “obstinate ones”.  Is it because of this misnomer that a lot of parents relate their harrowing stories of defiant toddlers to having begun when their child turned two?  Because that is what I hear from a lot of parents when it comes to their children - “Oh, the day she hit two - that was when all hell broke lose!”

Naturally, I was alarmed when Gavin was already showing signs of the terrible twos shortly after his first birthday.  I mean, if this isn’t the terrible twos then I would really hate to see what Gavin’s terrible twos have in store for me. 

In case you’re wondering whether I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, let me relate to you a few typical scenes with Gavin and you tell me whether you agree or not:

• He loves water, he loves to swim and he loves playing with water in the bath, yet, when it’s bath time, he flat out refuses to get into the bath.  When it’s all over, he refuses to get out and insists he’s not done. 

All my little tactics to get him out of the bath calmly have worked with limited results (as in, they work a few times until he catches on to the trick and then he starts backing away from me because he’s figured out what happens next).  When we take him out, he doesn’t just protest, he screams like someone’s trying to kill him (as his Daddy would describe it).

• When it’s bedtime, he does everything possible to stall.  For instance, he’ll ask for a sip of water which ends up being like 10 sips. When all his little tricks fail, he’ll turn those pleading eyes for some hapless family member to rescue him from the evil clutches of Mummy who’s about to put a stop to all his fun. 

Upstairs in our room, he’ll make signs that he wants to poop but when I put him on the toilet, nothing will come out.  When I make to take him off the toilet, he’ll start making grunting noises again as if he’s trying to poop.  I suspect the toilet trick is just to get the lights back on, especially when you consider that he never wants to sit on the toilet during the day.

Then he’ll ask for music but the only music he wants to listen to is Baby Signing Time.  When I play the music, he starts to dance like a mad boy and he signs like he never signs during the day.  He is simply adorable to watch until you remember that it’s actually bed time and it is now an hour after the time you were originally planning to put him to bed.

Luckily for my sanity, I discovered that the terrible twos can actually begin any time after the first birthday and sometimes even before.  So there really is a reason why my toddler gives me a hard time and I’m not prematurely balding as I yank my hair out in frustration over nothing.

As much as I had originally planned not to give Gavin any negative labels, it would appear that some undesirable labels have already stuck.  For instance, the hubby calls him LS (read: little sh*t) when he wakes up at 5am in the morning and starts bouncing around on the bed.  Whenever Gavin disobeys or does anything undesirable, he’s LS.  As much as I hate to label him so, when you’re sleep deprived with a squealing toddler bouncing off the walls like he’s high on speed and giggling to himself as he causes you no end of pain, it’s kinda hard.

Ironically, when we were at Tanjong Jara for a recent family holiday, aside from adoring his cuteness, a number of people told us how well-behaved they thought Gavin was.  Whenever we received one of these comments, the hubby would be like, “Huh?  Oh wait a minute, that’s because you haven’t seen him at home.”

Even though our view on Gavin might have been tainted by our private experiences of his temper at home, I have to admit, Gavin is pretty well behaved in public company.  In fact, I would go so far as to say he makes a rather gracious host.  He clearly adores being the center of attention and sometimes he even goes looking for it, trying to catch the eye of the cashier while wearing his most winsome smile.  Just to seal the deal, he’ll blow a kiss before we leave the shop.

Last night, while we were having dinner at a restaurant, Gavin was smiling and talking babble to some of the waitresses while we ate.  He kept gesturing to the food on our table and signing the word “eat” almost as if to say, “Come, come, join us!  Eat, eat!”  Aside from that, he readily signs “please” when he wants something and “thank you” when we prompt him.  “Sorry” is a little harder to come by but he still signs it after a little bit of cajoling.  Now how can I not be proud of my son’s public relations and social skills?

I guess one of the good things about taking Gavin out and speaking to strangers about him is that it helps us regain some perspective on our toddler’s behaviour and manners.

Popularity: 10% [?]

I don’t know whether to be proud, embarassed, or alarmed, but this is something that happened yesterday that had everyone in tears (from laughing).  Believe me, this isn’t anywhere near as funny written as it was when it happened.

A friend, (who declines to be named so let’s just call her X) was staying over with us recently.  Three of us (me, X and another friend) were kneeling on the bed looking at some pictures on her laptop.  Gavin was running around the room munching on a bun.

This is what happened as described by X…

I could hear him walking past behind me several times.  Then suddenly, I felt this cold finger on my back…

It was Gavin attempting to feed little bits of his bun down the back of her pants.  When we all looked at him, he was giggling to himself, rather amused by his little gag. 

Yes, this is my cheeky, soon to be 17 month old toddler and his idea of humour.  I swear I have no idea where he got the idea to pull such a stunt, but clearly, it looks like he’s turning out to be every bit the mischievous imp his father was as a boy.  And if he is half as bad as the stories I hear about his father as a child, then all I can say is, “God help me.”

Popularity: 8% [?]

When we were at Tanjong Jara for a brief vacation recently, the hubby sweetly offered to mind Gavin on his own for an hour while I went off for a massage. 

Gavin had been showing increased clinginess towards me since the previous few days and during the entire time we were at Tanjong Jara, he only wanted me to carry him.  Daddy could only carry him if I was not in sight, or only for brief periods of time.  He only wanted me to hold his hand and he always wanted me to come with him whenever he wanted to explore something new.

Despite the increased clinginess over the past few days, I figured it would be okay to go since the hubby had been rather successful at getting Gavin to fall asleep without me recently.  Just to be on the safe side, I chose the shortest package they had to offer - which was a 50 minute long Malay massage. 

When it came time for me to head for my massage appointment, Gavin decided he didn’t want Mummy to go anywhere without him.  I tried to get him to fall asleep unsuccessfully until I had to go.  Hubby took Gavin and told him I was going to the toilet and I snuck out of our room (in retrospect, I probably should have just told Gavin where I was going and walked out with him knowing where I was going and that I would be coming back).  He would have still been mad but at least it wouldn’t have seemed so much like I had abandoned him.  Well, hindsight is 20-20 vision.

Anyway, I went off for the massage feeling rather uneasy the entire time.  When I finished my massage, I saw hubby carrying a calm Gavin in his arms and walking towards me.  Thinking everything went well, I waved at them.  Gavin, who normally waves back enthusiastically when he sees me, did not respond at all.  Feeling a little nervous, I waited until they were nearer before attempting to greet Gavin again.  Still no response. 

Gavin stared at me with dead eyes - it was a look that clearly said, “How could you abandon me?”  It was so accusatory - not in an angry way but a sad, defeated way, which made it even worse.  Tentatively, I reached out my arms to him and he didn’t respond.

“Do you want Mummy to carry you?”  I asked.

No response.

Considering that he had only wanted me to carry him since we arrived at Tanjong Jara, this was very unusual behaviour and it made me feel extremely nervous.  After repeatedly asking him if he wanted me to carry him, he finally reached his arms out to me but he was still silent.  I took him into my arms and immediately he began to wail.  He didn’t just cry - he howled with the kind of distress normally associated with intense misery and I couldn’t calm him down.

When Daddy asked Gavin if he wanted Daddy to carry him, he immediately reached out for Daddy.  It was like another slap on the face because he would previously refuse Daddy at every request to be carried.  I felt like the worst mother in the world for abandoning her child just so I could enjoy 50 minutes of toddler-free massage.

Finally Gavin allowed me to carry him again, but he was so solemn and silent that it was unnerving.  He wouldn’t talk to me and he wouldn’t look at me, although he did let me carry him so it was a minor improvement.  We tried to entice him to go swimming - something he really loves - but he refused to get into the water.  We finally took him back to the room and gave him a bath and he slowly came back to his old self.

Although I promised that I would never leave him like that again - at least until I am certain he is okay with it - I did wonder what suddenly sparked the increased clinginess at 16 months.  After he got over his 1 year old clinginess, he had been so independent and confident that I thought the clingy phase was completely over.  So it came as a surprise to me to see him regressing - or so it seemed.

I started researching 16 month clinginess and discovered that it is actually a normal phase of child development.  I also discovered why Gavin so easily launches into a tantrum of late.  A lot of it has to do with your child’s increasing desires and inability to express their wills due to limitations in their language.  So how do you manage your child at this stage?

Well, since the clinginess is a normal part of development, just manage it like you have always done - be there for your child and eventually he will regain his independence again. 

As for the tantrums, Moxie recommends taking into consideration the age of your child, your child’s personality and what you want to accomplish.  Generally, she believes that for toddlers under two years of age, it is important to be there for your child and comfort them to help them get through the tantrum.  Once your child can express himself well enough, you can ask him if he prefers you to hug him or leave him alone.

Although Gavin has learned to sign, so far the only requests he makes are for milk and juice.  Also he signs other words, he does not use them to express a desire - or if he does, I clearly haven’t understood what he wants me to do.  For instance, sometimes he keeps signing “shoe” and I suspect there is something wrong with his shoe, but I don’t know what he wants me to do about it.  If I take them off, he wants them on, if I put them back on, he wants them off.

I guess we’re just going to have to persevere a little more through the “chicken and duck talk” phase a little longer.

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Recently, we took Gavin over to his godsister’s house where Gavin had a field day with her masak masak (read: cooking) toys and play kitchen.  Knowing that Daddy wouldn’t like this, I made an attempt to get Gavin away from the toy stove. I brought out some blocks and tried to get Gavin interested in building blocks instead. Sad to say that the blocks lost out to the masak masak set, the latter being clearly more interesting to Gavin.

“Not to worry,” said PL.  “He probably likes it because it’s new and he’s never seen it before.”

Well, we can only hope so…

But here’s the irony.  When Gavin was younger, hubby and I used to take him to the toy shop.  Whenever we came across a masak masak set or any toys related to household care (such as toy cooking sets, ironing boards, vacum cleaners, etc.) hubby would say, “Move along!  My son’s not playing with these toys!”

At home, Gavin loves the kitchen.  He loves to watch Ah Mah cook and he likes to “help” my SIL bake bread.  Since lots of children are fascinated by the kitchen because of all the activity in there, there’s really nothing to worry about, right?  Well, he also likes hairbands and bangles and pink stuff!  Okay, maybe he likes pink because the colour is bright - all kids love bright colours.  As for the hairbands, well, they’re interesting and so are the bangles.  He’ll grow out of it, won’t he?

The hubby reckons this is the result of me hoping too hard for a girl when I was pregnant with Gavin, although my BFF has another theory.  During my pregnancy, she mentioned a book or article (I can’t remember which) that she had read which said that mothers who had stressful pregnancies were more likely to deliver boys who are gay - at least I think that was the gist of it.  In the effort to preserve the peace, I shan’t extrapolate further, but there’s food for thought, wouldn’t you think?

Personally, though, I think if the hubby just relaxed and stopped worrying about his son liking girls’ stuff and girls’ colours, it will all eventually go away as Gavin grows older.  The more fuss made of it, the more Gavin will get curious as to why Daddy says, “no”, and the more he’s going to do the things Daddy doesn’t want him to do.

Already I can see a rather defiant streak coming out in my son.  For instance, when I ask him which pair of shoes he wants to wear and he won’t give me an answer, I’ll simply pick a pair.  As if he has to have the last say, Gavin will then indicate he wants to wear the other pair of shoes. 

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