Last night was one of those nights - yeah, the one of those difficult ones that leaves me wondering how differently I should have handled things…

It’s hard to say when exactly things started to fall apart so I’ll start as early as lunch. I took Gavin for lunch with a friend of mine and her daugther. Gavin didn’t really seem keen to eat lunch. He ate a couple of mouthfuls of rice and drank two thirds of his Milo. Since he’s been rubbing his gums and pointing to them saying “bite” (read: pain), I guess he’s teething again and it has put him off his food (we’re waiting for his molars to break through).

Right after we left the restaurant, Gavin started saying “ice cream”. Looking around, I didn’t see any ice cream parlours in sight so I wondered if he had gotten to the point where he expected to be fed ice cream and was refusing to eat lunch to save his tummy for dessert. Not wanting to encourage such behaviour, I told him, “No. You didn’t eat your lunch.” He didn’t make a fuss after that and we even walked past New Zealand Ice Creamery without issue.

When he got back into the car, he fell asleep on the way home. I brought him up to the room and then went back downstairs to do a couple of things. Ordinarily, I try to stay close so that I can help him settle back to sleep if he stirs. Yesterday, I was still downstairs when my SIL2 heard Gavin cry. By the time I got back upstairs, he was too wide awake to be settled back to sleep. I tried to rock and nurse him back to sleep for the next 45 minutes without success before I gave up.

We went downstairs to play with the Thomas and Friends train set that my FIL bought him a few days ago and which Gavin was absolutely nuts about. My FIL and Gavin were playing with the train set when Gavin started trying to climb the table because he couldn’t reach the train from one side of the table. Naturally, my FIL told him off and to reinforce the message, he stopped the train and bus and told Gavin, “No more.”

Gavin got upset and clearly held a grudge against his Ah Kong for telling him off. He came to the kitchen looking for an ally to turn the train and bus back on for him - at least, I think that was what he was up to. So I took him back to the train set and firmly explained to him that if he climbed on the table, he would not be allowed to play with the train set. If he wanted to play with the train set, he had to agree not to climb the table. Gavin agreed. Then I told him he had to apologise to Ah Kong, which took a bit of time because he wasn’t keen to say “sorry”. Ironically, he didn’t seem to mind apologising to me because he kept signing “sorry” to me. But since the offence was committed against Ah Kong, I insisted that he apologise to Ah Kong or there would be no more playing with the train set. Finally, he apologised and hugged Ah Kong.

Personally, I thought that whole issue was resolved pretty well.

Somewhere in the middle of all this, Ah Kong had fed Gavin some Kit Kat - which I knew was probably a mistake for Gavin to be having so close to dinner time, but since he was bonding so well with Ah Kong lately (something that hasn’t really been happening too well in the past), I didn’t have the heart to ruin the bonding session.

When dinner time rolled around, Gavin didn’t want to sit in his high chair. For the past two nights in a row, he hadn’t wanted to sit in his high chair so we allowed him to sit on a normal chair stacked with cushions. Unfortunately, Gavin is a rather messy eater and insists on feeding himself, so my SIL2 made some changes to his high chair hoping he would sit in it. Gavin balked at the high chair and flat out refused to sit despite all our efforts to bribe him, give him two options (sit in the high chair or the bumbo chair on a normal chair), talk about Higgly Town Heroes and trains, and cajole.

Gavin also refused to eat dinner and wanted more Milo from the fridge. When he couldn’t have the Milo, he started howling in frustration and hubby said to ignore him while we all continued to eat dinner.

Quite frankly, although I knew Gavin’s behaviour wasn’t acceptable, I felt we had set him up for a fall - for which I felt bad. Part of good parenting is about knowing how to handle your child to help him behave appropriately. For instance, if you want him to eat dinner, don’t feed him snacks too close to dinner time and expect him to eat dinner as well. We all know that Gavin is not a child that is crazy about eating so feeding him just before dinner will ruin his appetite.

Secondly, if he refuses to sit in the high chair, we need to decide on two things:

1. How important is it that he sits in the high chair - if we want to insist on it, we should never have started the routine of sitting on cushions because it confuses him as to why he could sit on cushions the previous two nights and suddenly he can’t sit on them last night. To make it worse, when we’re eating out, we allow him to sit on stacked chairs instead of making him sit in a high chair. No wonder he can’t understand why we’re suddenly insisting that he’s got to sit in the high chair now.

2. Is it more important that he sit in his high chair or that he eats dinner? It is unfortunate, but with a headstrong child like Gavin, you only get to choose one. Sure, you can argue that he hardly eats much during dinner any way, but do you really want to traumatise him every time dinner comes around and expect him to still have a nice impression about meal times, sitting with the family, and eating?

As an infant, Gavin likes to emulate us. We drink from a glass, he wants to drink from a glass, too. I floss my teeth, he wants to floss his teeth, too. We sit in our “adult” chairs, he wants to sit in the “adult” chair, too. It’s a normal desire.

The solution to the high chair is a simple one - create a booster that we can attach to a normal chair so he can sit in a regular chair just like everyone else.

As for not eating dinner - I’m pretty sure it was a combination of the Kit Kat and the fact that he was mad at us for forcing him to sit in the high chair. Had we eliminated those two issues, the non-eating would never have been a problem.

Where, then, is the bad behaviour?

Now this is the part where I rant. I was criticised for being too easy on Gavin - always giving in to him and letting him have whatever he wants. In other words, I’m spoiling him.

Firstly, let’s get this straight - I don’t let him have whatever he wants. I assess the situation and decide how important I think it is, whether there is a need to correct a behaviour, etc. Since I am the one who spends the most time with Gavin and nobody observes us together 24/7, no one has the right to say I give in to him every time because they are not around to observe my every action with Gavin.

Secondly, what the heck is all this “giving in” and who’s “winning” rubbish? I’m developing a relationship with my son. I try to look for “win-win” scenarios whenever possible because a happy toddler means everyone is also happy. I don’t want to be battling my toddler every step of the way just because I’m the parent and whatever I say goes, like it or not. Life isn’t like that. Relationships are not like that. Relationships are about compromises and learning to live together. A relationship with a child is no different. That doesn’t mean I’m giving him a free reign either.

It was also said that I am not disciplining him appropriately because of his violent reactions when we say “no”. This is believed to be the result of me “giving in” to him all the time.

Firstly, he’s a toddler - he’s a slave to his passions. He cannot control his emotions and disappointments the way an adult can. He simply hasn’t learned how. In time, he will - but we have to be more patient.

Secondly, how often we have to say “no” is not the issue in question. I know plenty of instances of kids who are often told “no” but that certainly doesn’t ease the pain of having to hear “no” or stop them from reacting badly.

Thirdly, it was the end of the day when all toddlers are getting tired and notoriously at their worst. Not only that, but Gavin had had a rather short afternoon nap for two days running, meaning he hasn’t been sleeping an adequate number of hours required by a toddler his age. When we’re tired, we’re also more grumpy and bad-tempered. We’re also more prone to “losing it” over small things. So why should we expect a toddler who has even less control over his emotions to behave any better?

Fourthly, I have said “no” to him plenty of times and he has taken it like a true champ without fuss. Obviously, no one remembers those incidences because we seemed wired to remember only the bad ones.

As for discipline, if my son does wrong, I tell him why it’s wrong, why I’m upset and I show him that there are consequences to his actions (e.g. no more playing with his trains). But isn’t it wrong for me to get angry at him for not wanting to eat because he’s full? Isn’t it wrong for me to get mad at him because he wants to be like everyone else and sit on a proper dining chair? Sure it’s not so convenient for me if he chooses to sit on a dining chair versus his high chair, but it isn’t a bad thing.

Yes, I agree that some of his actions are not so desirable - for instance when he gets so absorbed in watching the TV that he totally ignores whoever is talking to him. He’s a toddler, so we need to make some allowances and cut him some slack. We can’t lay down the law and expect him to behave like he’s five years old - he isn’t developmentally ready for that. What we need to do is decide what is most important to us first and foremost and correct those behaviours first (like throwing his toys and hitting people). Once those behaviours become routine, we can tackle the not so important ones (like eating with his hands instead of the spoon - my nephew, C, loves to eat and that’s because his parents don’t mind him making a mess at the dinner table and eating with his hands). This is exactly like handling tasks at work - label behaviours as high priority, medium priority and low priority and tackle them one at a time. If you try to correct everything all at once, you’ll achieve nothing and everyone will be frustrated.

Again and again, I get criticised for following the textbooks too much and trying to find the gentle way of handling things when the situation should be a simple “I’m right, you’re wrong, so do as I say!” Let me tell you why I keep looking for a better way to handle things rather than turning everything into a battle of wills…

Let’s take last night as an example. After the incident at dinner, there was a lot of upset people. Quite frankly, hubby and I argued about how things should have been handled and about Gavin “behaving badly”. We argued in front of Gavin - which did not help matters (because parents arguing in front of young children creates fear in the child because if something happens between their parents, it threatens their emotional security).

As a result of the events at dinner, I had a lot of trouble getting Gavin into the bath, I had a lot of trouble changing his diaper, and I had a lot of trouble understanding why he was suddenly extremely fussy about everything and nothing. He was teary and upset for reasons known and unknown, and he reacted poorly to everything. He went to sleep upset which has been causing his nightmares and crying in his sleep leading to him stirring far too frequently - which has made it take twice as long for me to complete this blog post. I am angry and upset at being attacked for my choices in parenting methodologies and for being accused of being a lax parent, and to top it off, I have to deal with an extra fussy toddler who would not have been so fussy if I had handled things my way. When I am upset, I’m also not able to handle my child - my patience is spread extremely thin and I’m just inches away from a meltdown myself.

So being the person who is left to deal with Gavin for the largest part of the day, please let me handle him my way.

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The only thing for certain about children is that they are all different. What works for one child may not work for another and what happens to one child may not happen with another. Once you accept this fact and start getting to know your own child, understanding what happens to them and what works with them, life usually gets a little easier.

For instance, after eight teeth, I now have Gavin’s teething symptoms pretty much down pat. These are the usual signs when he’s teething again:

• he gets diarrhoea
• he puts his fingers into his mouth more often (usually to press his gums - which you’ll notice if you look carefully)
• he’s generally more crabby - especially when he wakes up from a nap
• he can cry for no apparent reason (and he’ll rub his drool all over his mouth and chin - perioral area)
• he’s more interested in his toothbrush (because he can use it to apply pressure to his sensitive gums) and always wants to brush his teeth
• he wants to nurse a lot more than usual
• he goes off his solids (although he may still want to eat biscuits or anything hard)

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Okay, so the “Know-it-all” Mummy confesses that she doesn’t “know it all”.  Since Saturday past, Gavin’s crankiness has went up a whole new level I never thought possible.  He now wakes up from naps crying - in fact, he cries a lot more lately and it’s not the normal kind of crying but the hysterical type that seems inconsolable.  Sometimes even offering the magic breast doesn’t help at all.  He just shakes his head and screams more angrily as if to say I don’t understand him - which is exactly how I feel at those times.

I did an online search for possible causes of fussiness in 14 month old babies and only came up with a few other Mums complaining of the same problem - fussy baby, cries a lot, won’t eat, always wants what you are holding, always wants you to play with him - in other words, very difficult.  Although I didn’t find the solution to my problem, at least I know I’m not alone, but just to be sure, I checked in with my three best Mummy pals to reconfirm that I’m still a good Mummy and I haven’t done anything wrong.

Well it would seem my health science training is still quite ingrained in me because I started making a list of possible causes for Gavin’s crankiness - my differential diagnosis - and started working through the list on a process of elimination.  So here are the possible causes for Gavin’s recent crankiness:

• dietary - too much MSG and sugar
• environmental - too much excitement and play
• teething - Gav’s upper left central incisor is taking forever to break through
• sleep - shifting from two naps to one
• constipation - he went three days without pooping (quite a long time since he’s now on solids)
• milestones - he just started walking unaided
• developmental - the Terrible Twos

There’s also a possibility that it is just a combination of all of these factors.  For instance, he had nightmares on Saturday night when he went out for a birthday party and ate food with a lot of MSG.  On Monday night, hubby and I took him shopping at KLCC where he had New Zealand ice cream’s Chocolate Ecstasy and my Starbucks hot chocolate.  Needless to say he slept poorly that night.  On Tuesday, he went swimming in the morning so I foolishly tried to shift him to a single afternoon nap for my convenience.  Instead of sleeping two to three hours like I expected when I put him down for a single nap, he woke up after an hour and refused to go back to sleep. 

He cried after waking up from his afternoon naps which could be due to his teething because he would shove a finger into his mouth and rub his gums while howling.  I did attempt to resolve the problem with some Bonjela only to stir up a whole new burst of crying because Gavin couldn’t stand the taste of Bonjela.  Frankly, I’m not sure I’m all that keen on it either since it has a rather distinct aniseed flavour.  I don’t know if I imagined it but Gavin did seem to calm down a little after getting over the horrid taste of Bonjela so perhaps he was starting to feel some relief in his gums?

Then yesterday, Gavin started walking unaided.  I’ve read that when babies hit a particularly big milestone, there can be a tendency for increased fussiness, so that seems to coincide.  Then again, it could also be the stomach discomfort he was experiencing from not having pooped for three days in a row.  After pooping yesterday afternoon, Gavin napped for 45 minutes in the evening and it was the first time in days that he actually woke up without bursting immediately into tears.

Last but not least, it could just be as my friend PL said - that Gavin is going through a phase.  When you’ve tried everything and nothing seems to resolve the problem, put it down to the Terrible Twos, which, according to Dr Greene, even ideal parents would have to experience no matter how well they raised their toddler.  Basically, the Terrible Twos is a phase every toddler goes through where they are starting to discover their autonomy and in order to exert this new found self, they have to oppose what their parents say.  It is a part of discovering their own identity. 

The Terrible Twos is marked by a strong tendency to oppose everything Mummy and Daddy says, no matter how reasonable the request might be.  For instance, “don’t touch the plug points” is met with a howl of frustration, “don’t play with the drawers” is met with an angry barrage of throwing objects from the drawer, and my all-time worst - “it’s time to sleep” is met with an arched back and a scream of fury like you’ve never heard.  Naturally, this is a very trying time for a parent, trying to be understanding of your child’s apparent disregard of your commands.

If it is a difficult time for a parent, it is an equally troubling time for a toddler.  Having just come from babyhood where your toddler’s every desire was to please Mummy and Daddy, being at odds with their most favourite people in the world can be emotionally tumultuous.  Their desire to be approved by Mummy and Daddy is at war with their need for autonomy.  Dr Greene’s depiction of the Terrible Twos as being the first adolescence is indeed an apt description of this phase.

So if you understand the turmoil your child is experiencing, suddenly the unexplained crying, poor sleeping habits and fussiness is starting to make sense again.  If you were at odds with a loved one, wouldn’t you feel upset, too?

Well, understanding the cause of the crying doesn’t make it any easier to deal with at 5am in the morning.  Having spent the large part of the previous night pacifying Gavin who refused to be calmed down by anything, I wasn’t ready to be deal with more crying at 5am.  I wanted to hide under the covers and pretend it didn’t exist - as rotten a Mum as that made me feel.  It certainly made me understand how “shaken baby syndrome” occurs, not that it makes it any more acceptable nor do I think I would ever resort to such extreme measures to silence a baby’s cry.  At any rate, it also reinforced the importance of taking a break from your toddler especially if you’re a SAHM.

So this post is designed to reinforce two points:

• No matter what anyone says about their well-behaved baby who slept well through the night and hardly ever cried, your difficult, snappy, cranky, crying baby is not a result of bad parenting.  Take an example of a parent I know whose first daughter was really “good”, while her second daughter gave her a real run for her money.  Every toddler is different, and naturally so because every toddler is a little person with his or her own personality.
• Don’t feel bad if your child’s crying is making you angry - this just shows you’re human - as long as you recognise your limits and make sure you take yourself out of the picture before you snap.  Don’t be afraid ask a friend or a family member to mind your toddler for a couple of hours so you can have some R&R or “me” time.  Dads, recognise that Mums, even Super Mums, need a break from time to time so she can regain some sanity.

So how when does the Terrible Twos begin and how long do we have to endure it?  Well, contrary to popular belief that the Terrible Twos begins when a toddler turns two years of age, it can begin at any time after the first birthday (and sometimes even before).  The average age that the Terrible Twos begin is around 18 months, and it can last until 3 years of age.  Unfortunately for me, I already started noticing the early beginnings of the Terrible Twos in Gavin since he turned 1, although his moods and emotions are steadily getting worse.  I almost dread to think what they will be like at their peak.

What can you do to ease the Terrible Twos?  Well, I read a little book by Harvey Karp called “The Happiest Toddler on the Block”.  I’ve applied his suggestions with mixed results.  I don’t know if I’m imagining it, but I do feel Gavin is making more progress the more I used it.  I’m hoping that as he gets older and understands more, the tactics in the book will have even more effect on him.

Below: at times when Gavin seems rather trying, it’s good to have adorable photos of him playing side by side with his god sister.

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There are two schools of thought when it comes to teething - the one that believes that teething symptoms are just incidental and unrelated, and the one that believes teething can cause irritability, loss of appetite, diarrhoea, and fever.  Gavin’s paediatrician belongs to the school of the former and I was quite happy to be agreeable except that Gavin seems to be displaying classical teething signs that can’t be ignored.

He’s been irritable, cranky and crying a lot more than often (and I cannot relate any of this to any of the wonder weeks - even the hubby has started to joke about it being a wonder year); he doesn’t want to eat (not even cheese which is his favourite food and he never refuses it until now); he’s had diarrhoea on and off despite that fact that we have eliminated all suspect foods from his diet; and he’s had a bit of a sniffle.  While all this was happening, a little pearly white pops up from the surface of his gums.  Coincidence?  Well, it gets harder and harder to believe when it happens twice.  Another Mom - D also said that every single time S grew a new tooth, she would get the sniffles.

I’m afraid I have to go with the school of thought that teething symptoms do indeed exist…

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At ten months and one week, Gavin is finally cutting his first tooth!  Although he won’t let me get a look at it, I felt it a couple of nights ago while I was nursing him.  I felt something sharp scraping my nipple as he suckled.  When I felt his lower gum, sure enough, there was a jagged edge embedded the gums.  I guess it is only a matter of time now before he’s chomping his way through more food.  I’ll bet Ah Kong and Ah Mah will be delighted because the presence of teeth opens up a whole new complement of foods that Gavin will be able to tuck into.

Although the doctor told us that babies feeding shouldn’t be affected by teething, it certainly feels as though Gavin wants to nurse more over the last couple of days.  He also seems to be less interested in his bread.  Although he still eats it, he doesn’t devour it as eagerly as he did prior in the previous couple of weeks.  Another Mummy friend of mine also said that she found her daughter was mildly ill every single time she was teething despite the doctor saying that there was no link between teething and being ill.  Well, I suppose these are just one of those gray areas in medical science that is neither proven nor disproven because of the great disparity of experiences among teething babies.

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At nine and a half months, Gavin is probably a tad on the slow side to cut his first tooth.  Since the first tooth can erupt as early three to four months and as late as eighteen months, Gavin’s doctor assured us that there was nothing to be concerned about.  Usually babies who present without teeth at birth also present without hair or nails.  If you’ve seen Gavin’s mop of hair from the photos in this blog, I guess we can safely rule that problem out.

Lately, however, four little bumps have appeared in his lower jaw looking ripe to burst through the surface any time soon.  With four teeth coming up at once, I’m sure this also goes towards explaining why Gavin has suddenly gone off his solids.  I have also noticed that he’s seeking the breast more often than before and is even willing to take milk with the lights on.  A couple of months back, I noticed that if it was bright and there were too many things to see, Gavin would be too distracted to take the breast.  It got to the point where I even had to banish the hubby from the room or Gavin would refuse to take his milk.  Now he takes the breast with the lights on and with hubby in the room.

In fact, Gavin takes to the breast with such enthusiasm that it seems at times he’s trying to tear my nipples off.  Over the last couple of days, my nipples have starting hurting again similarly to the way they did when I first started breastfeeding.  My guess is that the suckling action helps to soothe his itching gums so he suckles harder.  The bad news is that it makes my nipples feel really raw.

He isn’t gumming my nipples so I don’t really know what else I can do to ease the pain - my pain, that is.  There was a time when he used to bite down.  To get him to stop I would say, “Not nice, Gavin,” and simply stop nursing.  I think he caught onto the message fairly quickly, although occasionally, he seems to want to test my limits.

Although Gavin has two teething rings, he hasn’t figured out that they are for chewing.  When we try to guide the teething ring into his mouth, he just throws it away.  He doesn’t seem to like the idea of other people putting things into his mouth (although he’ll happily lick the chair seat, his bath water and any other non-teething toy whenever he thinks no one is looking).  On the up side, I guess we’ll never have to worry about Gavin accepting food from strangers since he won’t even let his parents put food into his mouth!

We’ve also tried teething biscuits which don’t seem to have had too much effect either.  If we’re lucky, he’ll put the biscuit into his mouth.  If we’re luckier, he might lick it or gnaw at it.  Otherwise, it just ends up on the floor in a soggy mess with the rest of his toys.

Since he’s been rather reluctant to eat, I’ve been trying to encourage him to eat his teething biscuits.  We used to buy Bellamy’s Organic tooth pegs because it was one of the lowest in sugar on the market.  I stopped because Bellamy’s was rather dear.  At RM20 for a box of 12 pegs, it seems a rather extravagant price to pay for Gavin to lick the biscuits, rub it all over the furniture and everything else except his gums and then throw them out.  

The problem with Bellamy’s is that it is an extremely tough biscuit - you can’t break it into a smaller portion and it takes a long time for the saliva to soften the biscuit enough for Gavin to gnaw off bits of it to eat.  By the time it is soft enough to eat, Gavin’s already tired of the activity and ready to move onto other things.  So recently we switched to another brand called Holle.  It is also organic and low in sugar.  Shaped like little slices of bread, Holle dissolves more easily in the saliva.  Although Gavin makes a real mess of the biscuit, I’m sure he’s eating at least some of it. 

Holle and Bellamy’s are about the only two organic teething biscuits I’ve seen on the market that doesn’t contain bucketloads of sugar.  Each serve contains only 0.1g of sugar, compared to some others that can be as high as 3g of sugar per serve!  There are other brands that aren’t too high in sugar as well - like Nestle and Heinz, but they aren’t organic biscuits.

Bellamy’s tooth pegs are available at most Cold Storage supermarkets and retails at RM20 for a box of 12 pieces (100g).  Holle, I’ve only seen in the Cold Storage in Bangsar Shopping Complex.  A packet of 200g costs RM15 - another reason to get Holle over Bellamy’s.

As for Gavin’s teething problem, I guess we’ll just have to wait it out…

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