Now that Gavin has been picking up new words on a daily basis, it is getting even easier to understand what he wants. He has developed words to express what he needs. For instance, he’ll say “bite” when he’s got an itch and he wants us to do something about it - like apply a cream to help soothe the itch.

Despite the increased vocabulary, there are times when it’s difficult to decipher what he wants because his pronunciation requires refining. When he’s echoing a word we’ve used, it’s fairly easy to understand what he means, but when he uses the unidentifiable sound at random, it can be quite a task figuring out the meaning.

For instance, he cannot pronounce “Thomas” so he says something that sounds like “dunno”. I suspected that “dunno” was in reference to “Thomas” because he would sign “train” when I didn’t produce what he wanted – his Thomas toy. It only became clear that “dunno” was “Thomas” when I was teaching him the concept of “big” and “small”. I pointed to his big Thomas toy and said “big Thomas,” then I pointed to the small Thomas toy and said “small Thomas.” When Gavin repeated after me, he said “big dunno” and “small dunno”.

Even with the confusion when the words don’t sound recognisable, the signs and words that Gavin has learned has made it a lot easier for us to understand what he wants. I feel certain that there is some correlation between this and the reduction in tantrums that I have noticed in recent times.

Of course there are still times when his emotions get the better of him and he gets upset before he’s even told me what he wanted. During such times, I realise the truth to what Margot Sunderland writes in The Science of Parenting about how children in distress tantrums lose their words and their ability to communicate. During such times, no matter how I ask him what he wants, he can only cry in frustration.

I find there are two ways to handle this situation that seem to work best.

1. Give Him Words

First I try to guess what he wants and offer him words to express himself. I find the technique that Harvey Karp recommends in Happiest Toddler on the Block works best – short sentences containing only a few words repeated over and over again until he can register what I’m saying through the storm of his tears. Because he is in distress, his ability to comprehend what I’m saying decreases dramatically.

One afternoon, when he woke up from his nap, I brought him downstairs like I normally did. On this occasion I was carrying him because he wanted to be carried. When I put him down onto the floor so he could play with his toys, he immediately dissolved into howls of frustration.

Surprised, I picked him back up and asked him what he wanted. For a while, all he could do was cry so I kept repeating, “Tell me what you want.” Finally, the crying subsided somewhat and he pointed in a vague direction. When he’s distressed, even his sense of direction is skewed because he would point to the kitchen when he meant to point to the front door.

I said repeatedly, “Go to the kitchen?” No answer so I started walking to the kitchen. The crying started again, so I quickly walked back and said, “No kitchen! No kitchen!”

When I finally figured out he was pointing to the front door, I said, “Gavin want to go out? Gavin go outside?”

When he nodded, I said, “Okay, we go outside.”

Once he knew he was going out, he gradually calmed down again and that was when I told him, “Gavin when you want something, tell me – use your words. If you want to go out to the garden, you say, ‘Mummy walk walk!’”

Yesterday, he wanted to go out to the garden and I heard him say, “Ah Mi, walk walk!”

I find that giving him words to express things he might want or need is very useful. Although I have to remind him a few times, he learns pretty quickly to tell me or any other member of the family.

Recently, I’ve been attempting to potty train him, so whenever I put on his training pants, I tell him that if he wants to go to the toilet, he should tell me, “Mummy wee wee” or “Mummy mm mm.” We had a hit and a couple of misses, but usually I had to ask him and check whether his pants were wet.

Yesterday, I was upstairs talking on the phone while Gavin was playing downstairs with my SIL2 and the maid. Apparently, he went to the maid and said, “Kakak mm mm.” Then he squatted down and grabbed his diaper. Although he had already pooped in his diaper by the time my SIL2 and the maid attempted to remove his diaper, I thought it was a giant leap forward in terms of his communication.

2. Hold Him

When I can’t figure out what Gavin wants during a distress tantrum, I usually just hold him and let the storm ride its course.

I’ve been trying to tune into his tantrums to distinguish between the distress tantrums from the Little Nero tantrums and I think I’m getting better at picking them. I still find he launches into distress tantrums more than the Little Nero ones at this age.

Reducing Confrontations

After reading so much about attachment parenting (also known as responsive parenting), I’ve been trying to put to practice more of the concepts in my interactions with Gavin.

One of the practices of attachment parenting is to know your child and his hot buttons so that you can minimise the number of occasions that you have to press them – especially when it is completely unnecessary.

There are times when it is completely unavoidable, such as when you have to tell him not to touch the power point for his own safety, but there are plenty of times when you can head off a tantrum before it begins.

For example, bath time is one of my biggest problems with Gavin – especially when it comes to getting him out. When I’m in a rush, I’ll usually skip the bath (if I don’t think he’s that dirty) or give him a wipe down with a wet cloth if I think he really needs it, so I don’t have to cramp his style by demanding that he get out of the bath before he’s ready.

That means that when he does have a bath, I have the time to wait until he’s ready to get out if I can’t convince him to come out through other means. And while I wait, I can do all those things I normally have to rush through, like floss my teeth, moisturise and any of those beauty routines I never have time for otherwise. That way I can also keep an eye on him to make sure he’s okay in the bath.

Know Your Child

Practicing responsive parenting has taught me a lot more about being able to understand Gavin. They say that some parents just instinctively know what their child wants or needs and I used to think that I was totally useless. Now I realise that a lot of that instinct has to do with knowing your child and how he ticks.

Sometime back, my MIL, Gavin and I went to the Parenthood Magazine publishing office to pick up his prize from winning one of the baby contests I entered him into. When we got home, my MIL announced, “Okay, we’re home!” Immediately, Gavin dissolved into tears of frustration.

Alarmed, my MIL exclaimed, “What’s wrong now?”

Instinctively (never thought I would be using this word about my son since I’ve always believed I had zero instincts when it came to understanding children), I knew that Gavin was upset because he thought he was going out to a shopping mall to walk, instead what he got was a quick trip to an office where all we did was pick up a parcel and come back home.

I told my MIL what I thought and she said, “Okay, okay, we go kai kai.”

We took Gavin for a brief shopping excursion to The Alpha Angle and after that he was quite content to come home.

These aren’t exactly an exhaustive list of managing toddlers with tantrums but I found they have significantly reduced the tantrums I have been experiencing with Gavin.

Popularity: 2% [?]

The “Terrible Twos” is a phase that a child goes through that usually begins after turning one.  It peaks at the age 18 months and can last up until a child turns three.  There are essentially two reasons why it occurs:

1. In the second year, most children gain mobility and with mobility comes freedom and independence.  A child of that age begins to assert himself - he’s testing boundaries by pushing limits and seeing how far he can go before his parents reign him in.  It is also frustrating for him to be met with “no” on a constant basis when previously everything he wanted to do was encouraged.  Think about how we encourage our infants to crawl, to walk, to learn through exploration and to speak.  Suddenly, we’re telling them to stop touching things, that there are places they can’t go and we’re telling them to be quiet.  Now that’s got to be pretty confusing to a toddler.
2. In the second year, most children are still unable to communicate their needs and desires effectively and the inability to articulate themselves is intensely frustrating.  Think of how you would feel in a country with a foreign language you don’t speak and you cannot tell anyone what you need because they don’t understand you.  That’s exactly how a toddler feels but a toddler hasn’t the ability to reason and being understanding about it so it’s even worse for him. 

To manage the first, it is important to give your toddler a lot of warning before something is about to happen.  Just because he’s a child with a short attention span doesn’t mean he hasn’t got any feelings.  Particularly when I know I’m about to do something he won’t like, I make sure I tell him.  I learned my lesson the hard way when I tried to sneak off without telling him and I’ve come to realise that honesty really is the best policy especially when it comes to your toddler.

As for the “nos” we have to say when our toddlers get into the cutlery drawer, attempt to play with the power sockets, trying to jump into the pond, etc.  I’m afraid there’s not much you can do to avoid these frustrations, however, I usually find that the concern and fear in my voice is enough to make him realise I’m doing it for his own good.  I occasionally have to deal with a screaming and howling toddler, but the episodes are lessening somewhat.

With regards to frustrations due to the inability to articulate their wants and needs, teaching Gavin sign language has really helped me a lot.  For instance, he can sign “shoes” to tell me something about his shoes is bothering him otherwise I wouldn’t know why he was being fussy. 

Then there was the other day when he wanted to watch “Finding Nemo”.  He started fussing and crying but I didn’t know why.  Although I was a little slow on the uptake, I eventually noticed that he was signing “fish” and immediately realised that he wanted to watch “Finding Nemo”.  Now if he hadn’t been able to sign “fish”, who knows how long that little tantrum would have persisted.

The other sign he often uses is “train”.  Thomas is currently his favourite toy and he often wants his Thomas book and train.  He has got quite a number of words in his repertoire and he copies what we say occasionally, but his speech is still limited and signing still plays an important role to help us understand what he wants.

Teaching Gavin how to sign has a number of benefits:

• it provides him with a means of communication when he lacks the words to express himself verbally
• it helps train his motor coordination
• it trains his observation skills
• it offers us an entertaining game to play in the car
• it has made me more observant to his cues as I try to understand what he wants

For any parent wondering about whether to teach their infants sign language - I highly recommend it.  You can start as early as four months and keep persisting with it even if you don’t see any results.  When your child starts signing back, you will be amazed by how much was picked up by your child.

These tips may not resolve all your Terrible Twos problems but it will certainly help lessen the pain of it.

Popularity: 6% [?]

I first attempted to use Toddlerese on Gavin when he was about 9 months old.  Although the book, The Happiest Toddler on the BLock, is intended to be used on children from age 1-4, I was told that it can be used from 9 months onwards.  I even bought the DVD just so I could watch Harvey Karp, the master, in action to get the technique right.  My attempts to use Toddlerese produced somewhat mediocre results so I gave up on the technique until recently.

I’m not even sure why I started using it again.  It was just one of those flashes of inspiration that come when you least expect it.  Gavin was in the shower, and as usual, he was refusing to come out.  I knew that if I snatched him up and took him out of the shower, he would immediately arche his back and scream the house down. 

Ordinarily, I would have waited until he was ready to come out of the shower, or I would have forcibly dragged him out against his will when I didn’t have the time to be patient.  On that day, when I told him it was time to come out, he immediately threw his head back and started to protest even before I had attempted to pick him up.

I said, “Gavin want to play water?  Play water?  Play water?”  I accompanied my words with the sign for “play” and “water”. 

Gavin stopped protesting and looked at me in surprise.  There was an almost imperceptible nod as he agreed with what I was saying. 

I continued, “You want to play water.  You say, ‘play water, play water, play water.’  Mummy says, ‘later, okay? We have to go out now.’  Does Gavin want to go kai kai?  Does Gavin want to go kai kai?” (”kai kai” translates to “shopping”)

Gavin nodded.  Then I picked him up and took him out of the shower without further ado.

I have since used Toddlerese on other occasions with pretty pleasing results.  I think the major difference between using Toddlerese now and some months back is that Gavin understands what I am saying to him now.  In the earlier months, there was probably still some confusion as to what I was saying and he probably wasn’t sure if I understood what he wanted to do.

Toddlerese is supposed to help your toddler understand that you know what he wants to do and you acknowledge that he wants to do it.  Once he realises that you understand him and where he’s coming from, he is more willing to listen to what you want him to do.

Here are three tricks I’ve learned on how to get Toddlerese working for me:

• There are two parts to Toddlerese: the first is to make sure your toddler knows you know what he wants to do.  The second is to tell him what you want him to do, distract him, or change course through whatever means possible.  I never launch into the second step until he’s completely quiet and listening to me.  If he begins to protest again, I revert back to the first step - repeating what I think he wants to do, using words I think he would say if he knew how.
• When I tell him what I want him to do, I always make sure there is something in it for him that he likes.  For instance, I want him to get out of the shower, but I also know he likes to go shopping, so I tell him, “let’s get out of the shower so we can go shopping,” or, “let’s go upstairs to bathe then watch Baby Signing Time.”
• When I can remember, I’ll use Toddlerese even before he protests - especially when I am about to do something I know he won’t like, like taking him out of the bath, or sending him to sleep.

There are still a couple of situations for which I have yet to perfect my use of Toddlerese:

• Getting Gavin to sit in the car seat when he’s already in a crabby mood.
• Getting Gavin to go to sleep when he’s already lost it.

I’ll let you know when I get that part of the formula right.  For now, I’m just glad that Toddlerese has managed to help me stave off some of Gavin’s impending tantrums.

Popularity: 8% [?]

They call it the “terrible twos” but really it should be called the “onerous ones” or perhaps the “obstinate ones”.  Is it because of this misnomer that a lot of parents relate their harrowing stories of defiant toddlers to having begun when their child turned two?  Because that is what I hear from a lot of parents when it comes to their children - “Oh, the day she hit two - that was when all hell broke lose!”

Naturally, I was alarmed when Gavin was already showing signs of the terrible twos shortly after his first birthday.  I mean, if this isn’t the terrible twos then I would really hate to see what Gavin’s terrible twos have in store for me. 

In case you’re wondering whether I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, let me relate to you a few typical scenes with Gavin and you tell me whether you agree or not:

• He loves water, he loves to swim and he loves playing with water in the bath, yet, when it’s bath time, he flat out refuses to get into the bath.  When it’s all over, he refuses to get out and insists he’s not done. 

All my little tactics to get him out of the bath calmly have worked with limited results (as in, they work a few times until he catches on to the trick and then he starts backing away from me because he’s figured out what happens next).  When we take him out, he doesn’t just protest, he screams like someone’s trying to kill him (as his Daddy would describe it).

• When it’s bedtime, he does everything possible to stall.  For instance, he’ll ask for a sip of water which ends up being like 10 sips. When all his little tricks fail, he’ll turn those pleading eyes for some hapless family member to rescue him from the evil clutches of Mummy who’s about to put a stop to all his fun. 

Upstairs in our room, he’ll make signs that he wants to poop but when I put him on the toilet, nothing will come out.  When I make to take him off the toilet, he’ll start making grunting noises again as if he’s trying to poop.  I suspect the toilet trick is just to get the lights back on, especially when you consider that he never wants to sit on the toilet during the day.

Then he’ll ask for music but the only music he wants to listen to is Baby Signing Time.  When I play the music, he starts to dance like a mad boy and he signs like he never signs during the day.  He is simply adorable to watch until you remember that it’s actually bed time and it is now an hour after the time you were originally planning to put him to bed.

Luckily for my sanity, I discovered that the terrible twos can actually begin any time after the first birthday and sometimes even before.  So there really is a reason why my toddler gives me a hard time and I’m not prematurely balding as I yank my hair out in frustration over nothing.

As much as I had originally planned not to give Gavin any negative labels, it would appear that some undesirable labels have already stuck.  For instance, the hubby calls him LS (read: little sh*t) when he wakes up at 5am in the morning and starts bouncing around on the bed.  Whenever Gavin disobeys or does anything undesirable, he’s LS.  As much as I hate to label him so, when you’re sleep deprived with a squealing toddler bouncing off the walls like he’s high on speed and giggling to himself as he causes you no end of pain, it’s kinda hard.

Ironically, when we were at Tanjong Jara for a recent family holiday, aside from adoring his cuteness, a number of people told us how well-behaved they thought Gavin was.  Whenever we received one of these comments, the hubby would be like, “Huh?  Oh wait a minute, that’s because you haven’t seen him at home.”

Even though our view on Gavin might have been tainted by our private experiences of his temper at home, I have to admit, Gavin is pretty well behaved in public company.  In fact, I would go so far as to say he makes a rather gracious host.  He clearly adores being the center of attention and sometimes he even goes looking for it, trying to catch the eye of the cashier while wearing his most winsome smile.  Just to seal the deal, he’ll blow a kiss before we leave the shop.

Last night, while we were having dinner at a restaurant, Gavin was smiling and talking babble to some of the waitresses while we ate.  He kept gesturing to the food on our table and signing the word “eat” almost as if to say, “Come, come, join us!  Eat, eat!”  Aside from that, he readily signs “please” when he wants something and “thank you” when we prompt him.  “Sorry” is a little harder to come by but he still signs it after a little bit of cajoling.  Now how can I not be proud of my son’s public relations and social skills?

I guess one of the good things about taking Gavin out and speaking to strangers about him is that it helps us regain some perspective on our toddler’s behaviour and manners.

Popularity: 10% [?]

When we were at Tanjong Jara for a brief vacation recently, the hubby sweetly offered to mind Gavin on his own for an hour while I went off for a massage. 

Gavin had been showing increased clinginess towards me since the previous few days and during the entire time we were at Tanjong Jara, he only wanted me to carry him.  Daddy could only carry him if I was not in sight, or only for brief periods of time.  He only wanted me to hold his hand and he always wanted me to come with him whenever he wanted to explore something new.

Despite the increased clinginess over the past few days, I figured it would be okay to go since the hubby had been rather successful at getting Gavin to fall asleep without me recently.  Just to be on the safe side, I chose the shortest package they had to offer - which was a 50 minute long Malay massage. 

When it came time for me to head for my massage appointment, Gavin decided he didn’t want Mummy to go anywhere without him.  I tried to get him to fall asleep unsuccessfully until I had to go.  Hubby took Gavin and told him I was going to the toilet and I snuck out of our room (in retrospect, I probably should have just told Gavin where I was going and walked out with him knowing where I was going and that I would be coming back).  He would have still been mad but at least it wouldn’t have seemed so much like I had abandoned him.  Well, hindsight is 20-20 vision.

Anyway, I went off for the massage feeling rather uneasy the entire time.  When I finished my massage, I saw hubby carrying a calm Gavin in his arms and walking towards me.  Thinking everything went well, I waved at them.  Gavin, who normally waves back enthusiastically when he sees me, did not respond at all.  Feeling a little nervous, I waited until they were nearer before attempting to greet Gavin again.  Still no response. 

Gavin stared at me with dead eyes - it was a look that clearly said, “How could you abandon me?”  It was so accusatory - not in an angry way but a sad, defeated way, which made it even worse.  Tentatively, I reached out my arms to him and he didn’t respond.

“Do you want Mummy to carry you?”  I asked.

No response.

Considering that he had only wanted me to carry him since we arrived at Tanjong Jara, this was very unusual behaviour and it made me feel extremely nervous.  After repeatedly asking him if he wanted me to carry him, he finally reached his arms out to me but he was still silent.  I took him into my arms and immediately he began to wail.  He didn’t just cry - he howled with the kind of distress normally associated with intense misery and I couldn’t calm him down.

When Daddy asked Gavin if he wanted Daddy to carry him, he immediately reached out for Daddy.  It was like another slap on the face because he would previously refuse Daddy at every request to be carried.  I felt like the worst mother in the world for abandoning her child just so I could enjoy 50 minutes of toddler-free massage.

Finally Gavin allowed me to carry him again, but he was so solemn and silent that it was unnerving.  He wouldn’t talk to me and he wouldn’t look at me, although he did let me carry him so it was a minor improvement.  We tried to entice him to go swimming - something he really loves - but he refused to get into the water.  We finally took him back to the room and gave him a bath and he slowly came back to his old self.

Although I promised that I would never leave him like that again - at least until I am certain he is okay with it - I did wonder what suddenly sparked the increased clinginess at 16 months.  After he got over his 1 year old clinginess, he had been so independent and confident that I thought the clingy phase was completely over.  So it came as a surprise to me to see him regressing - or so it seemed.

I started researching 16 month clinginess and discovered that it is actually a normal phase of child development.  I also discovered why Gavin so easily launches into a tantrum of late.  A lot of it has to do with your child’s increasing desires and inability to express their wills due to limitations in their language.  So how do you manage your child at this stage?

Well, since the clinginess is a normal part of development, just manage it like you have always done - be there for your child and eventually he will regain his independence again. 

As for the tantrums, Moxie recommends taking into consideration the age of your child, your child’s personality and what you want to accomplish.  Generally, she believes that for toddlers under two years of age, it is important to be there for your child and comfort them to help them get through the tantrum.  Once your child can express himself well enough, you can ask him if he prefers you to hug him or leave him alone.

Although Gavin has learned to sign, so far the only requests he makes are for milk and juice.  Also he signs other words, he does not use them to express a desire - or if he does, I clearly haven’t understood what he wants me to do.  For instance, sometimes he keeps signing “shoe” and I suspect there is something wrong with his shoe, but I don’t know what he wants me to do about it.  If I take them off, he wants them on, if I put them back on, he wants them off.

I guess we’re just going to have to persevere a little more through the “chicken and duck talk” phase a little longer.

Popularity: 12% [?]

Sometime back, hubby and I marvelled at how well our god-daughter sat in her pram while her parents took her shopping.  We asked them how they managed to get her in the pram, thinking we could pick up some tips to apply to Gavin.  They just told us that since our god daughter loved shopping, they just told her, “Sit!  Or we go home now!”  And she sat.

At that time, Gavin was still too young to understand, so we thought we would endure carrying him until he was old enough to abide by what we said.  At 15 months, Gavin still protests at being put in the carseat, the pram, a shopping trolley and his highchair (although I do get some success with the carseat and highchair from time to time).  Whenever he sees the pram and the shopping trolley, he starts shaking his head and hands to say “no”.

Thinking he was still too young to reason with, I asked my friend when she started using the “Sit or we go home now” tactic with her daughter and she said when her daughter turned one.  I tried it on Gavin but my shopaholic son would rather cut off his nose to spite his face - in other words, he would rather stay at home than have to endure sitting still.  Looks like my son is as stubborn as his Daddy…

I have made some progress to his protests, though…

When I want to get him to do something that he doesn’t want to - like getting out of the shower after we’re done - I give him a countdown.  I simply tell him I’m going to count to five and then we’re going to get out.  I don’t mean in a threatening way, but in a fun way.  Gavin likes a game I play with him where I tell him I’m coming to get him and each time I say the words, “I’m coming to get you!” I’ll move a little closer to him and he tries to crawl away from me like in a game of chase.  When I count to five, I do it in exactly the same manner as the game we play so it’s like another game to him.

It seems to be rather effective because sometimes when I just say, “Okay Gavin, it’s time to get out of the shower,” he’ll start to whine and protest.  When I switch tactics and say I’m going to count to five, suddenly, I’ve got his attention and he’s got that cheeky look in his eyes like the look he has when we’re playing the game.

When I get to five, I’ll just snatch him up and take him out.  He usually doesn’t protest and even if he does, it’s a mild protest - not like the howls and screams I would otherwise get.

Initially, I tried telling him he had one minute left but I think he doesn’t really grasp the concept of one minute.  I think counting to five means more to him because he can relate to it a little better.  It also works better for me since I never was very good as estimating time anyway.  Plus, counting to five requires a shorter warning time than waiting a whole minute.

Below: Gavin wearing one of his IKEA bowls on his head.

Popularity: 13% [?]

When my brother was a kid, he had this terrible habit of banging his head on the floor, the wall, or any hard surface he could get near, whenever he couldn’t have what he wanted.  His head-banging was of a nature so violent that it struck fear in the hearts of my parents that he would cause some serious injury to himself.  Naturally, they always gave in to what he wanted just to pacify him and stop him from continuing his self-destructive obsession.

About a month back, I noticed with growing alarm that Gavin, too, has this tendency to destroy himself in a fit of rage.  Although he hasn’t quite gotten to the level that my brother had - I notice that he hesitates a little just before he bangs his head against the floor and that there is some measure of control to the force he applies - there is a real possibility that this could continue to develop into something worse.

After looking it up, I discovered that head-banging is a normal occurrence in about 20% of children under the age of 4.  Although it may be a sign of autism, a diagnosis of autism can be ruled out as long as your child demonstrates certain milestone achievements by 14 months (up to 18 months, beyond which, there is a possibility of autism), these being:

1. Pointing
2. Following your gaze
3. Pretend play

Head-banging can be considered as normal as thumb sucking, so long as it does not progress beyond 4 years of age. 

The desire for head-banging is linked with our kinesthetic drive - a need for movement.  Since being in utero, a baby has been bounced and jiggled, even after birth, babies find movement (such being rocked in a parent’s arms) soothing.  As such, you may even see your baby banging his head against the side of his cot as a means of releasing tension just before sleep. 

Indeed, Gavin started to do this quite early on - he’ll sit against the headboard of our bed and start rocking his body back and forth so that his head thumps against the headboard.  We’ve never minded it too much since our headboard is cushioned, but when he started to do it during a temper tantrum - he’ll get onto all fours and deliberate hit his forehead against the ground - we got a little alarmed.

Dr Greene recommends ignoring the behaviour when associated with a temper tantrum so that the child does not persist in continuing this behaviour to gain attention.  In fact, the best thing to do is pretend not to notice and definitely do not give in to what they want or the behaviour may persist (looks like my parents should have just ignored my brother’s head-banging episodes). 

Because pain mechanisms prevent them from hitting their heads too hard, and the force with which they use is insufficient to cause any neurological damage, you do not need to worry about any danger of head injury.  Besides, the part of the head that is most often struck is the side and front.  And since a toddler’s head is built to take considerable trauma (as part of nature’s way of protecting them as they learn to walk and climb), parents of little headbangers can rest a little easier.

Curiously, the silver lining in this dark cloud is that health head-banging children were found to be “measurably advanced compared to their peers. If anything, then, head banging in healthy children can be a sign of increased intelligence.”  Or perhaps we just try to convince ourselves that there is some reason why our child had to be the difficult one and why we have to endure these little eccentricities?

My cousins have often marvelled at my brother’s intelligence in spite of the “damage” they felt he must have done to his brain from all the head-banging during his childhood.  In the end they concluded that he might have been a genius if he hadn’t destroyed his brain cells during his head-banging episodes.  If my brother, my study of one, was an intelligent head-banger, maybe it isn’t just wishful thinking that Gavin might be smart, too.

Popularity: 23% [?]

Okay, so the “Know-it-all” Mummy confesses that she doesn’t “know it all”.  Since Saturday past, Gavin’s crankiness has went up a whole new level I never thought possible.  He now wakes up from naps crying - in fact, he cries a lot more lately and it’s not the normal kind of crying but the hysterical type that seems inconsolable.  Sometimes even offering the magic breast doesn’t help at all.  He just shakes his head and screams more angrily as if to say I don’t understand him - which is exactly how I feel at those times.

I did an online search for possible causes of fussiness in 14 month old babies and only came up with a few other Mums complaining of the same problem - fussy baby, cries a lot, won’t eat, always wants what you are holding, always wants you to play with him - in other words, very difficult.  Although I didn’t find the solution to my problem, at least I know I’m not alone, but just to be sure, I checked in with my three best Mummy pals to reconfirm that I’m still a good Mummy and I haven’t done anything wrong.

Well it would seem my health science training is still quite ingrained in me because I started making a list of possible causes for Gavin’s crankiness - my differential diagnosis - and started working through the list on a process of elimination.  So here are the possible causes for Gavin’s recent crankiness:

• dietary - too much MSG and sugar
• environmental - too much excitement and play
• teething - Gav’s upper left central incisor is taking forever to break through
• sleep - shifting from two naps to one
• constipation - he went three days without pooping (quite a long time since he’s now on solids)
• milestones - he just started walking unaided
• developmental - the Terrible Twos

There’s also a possibility that it is just a combination of all of these factors.  For instance, he had nightmares on Saturday night when he went out for a birthday party and ate food with a lot of MSG.  On Monday night, hubby and I took him shopping at KLCC where he had New Zealand ice cream’s Chocolate Ecstasy and my Starbucks hot chocolate.  Needless to say he slept poorly that night.  On Tuesday, he went swimming in the morning so I foolishly tried to shift him to a single afternoon nap for my convenience.  Instead of sleeping two to three hours like I expected when I put him down for a single nap, he woke up after an hour and refused to go back to sleep. 

He cried after waking up from his afternoon naps which could be due to his teething because he would shove a finger into his mouth and rub his gums while howling.  I did attempt to resolve the problem with some Bonjela only to stir up a whole new burst of crying because Gavin couldn’t stand the taste of Bonjela.  Frankly, I’m not sure I’m all that keen on it either since it has a rather distinct aniseed flavour.  I don’t know if I imagined it but Gavin did seem to calm down a little after getting over the horrid taste of Bonjela so perhaps he was starting to feel some relief in his gums?

Then yesterday, Gavin started walking unaided.  I’ve read that when babies hit a particularly big milestone, there can be a tendency for increased fussiness, so that seems to coincide.  Then again, it could also be the stomach discomfort he was experiencing from not having pooped for three days in a row.  After pooping yesterday afternoon, Gavin napped for 45 minutes in the evening and it was the first time in days that he actually woke up without bursting immediately into tears.

Last but not least, it could just be as my friend PL said - that Gavin is going through a phase.  When you’ve tried everything and nothing seems to resolve the problem, put it down to the Terrible Twos, which, according to Dr Greene, even ideal parents would have to experience no matter how well they raised their toddler.  Basically, the Terrible Twos is a phase every toddler goes through where they are starting to discover their autonomy and in order to exert this new found self, they have to oppose what their parents say.  It is a part of discovering their own identity. 

The Terrible Twos is marked by a strong tendency to oppose everything Mummy and Daddy says, no matter how reasonable the request might be.  For instance, “don’t touch the plug points” is met with a howl of frustration, “don’t play with the drawers” is met with an angry barrage of throwing objects from the drawer, and my all-time worst - “it’s time to sleep” is met with an arched back and a scream of fury like you’ve never heard.  Naturally, this is a very trying time for a parent, trying to be understanding of your child’s apparent disregard of your commands.

If it is a difficult time for a parent, it is an equally troubling time for a toddler.  Having just come from babyhood where your toddler’s every desire was to please Mummy and Daddy, being at odds with their most favourite people in the world can be emotionally tumultuous.  Their desire to be approved by Mummy and Daddy is at war with their need for autonomy.  Dr Greene’s depiction of the Terrible Twos as being the first adolescence is indeed an apt description of this phase.

So if you understand the turmoil your child is experiencing, suddenly the unexplained crying, poor sleeping habits and fussiness is starting to make sense again.  If you were at odds with a loved one, wouldn’t you feel upset, too?

Well, understanding the cause of the crying doesn’t make it any easier to deal with at 5am in the morning.  Having spent the large part of the previous night pacifying Gavin who refused to be calmed down by anything, I wasn’t ready to be deal with more crying at 5am.  I wanted to hide under the covers and pretend it didn’t exist - as rotten a Mum as that made me feel.  It certainly made me understand how “shaken baby syndrome” occurs, not that it makes it any more acceptable nor do I think I would ever resort to such extreme measures to silence a baby’s cry.  At any rate, it also reinforced the importance of taking a break from your toddler especially if you’re a SAHM.

So this post is designed to reinforce two points:

• No matter what anyone says about their well-behaved baby who slept well through the night and hardly ever cried, your difficult, snappy, cranky, crying baby is not a result of bad parenting.  Take an example of a parent I know whose first daughter was really “good”, while her second daughter gave her a real run for her money.  Every toddler is different, and naturally so because every toddler is a little person with his or her own personality.
• Don’t feel bad if your child’s crying is making you angry - this just shows you’re human - as long as you recognise your limits and make sure you take yourself out of the picture before you snap.  Don’t be afraid ask a friend or a family member to mind your toddler for a couple of hours so you can have some R&R or “me” time.  Dads, recognise that Mums, even Super Mums, need a break from time to time so she can regain some sanity.

So how when does the Terrible Twos begin and how long do we have to endure it?  Well, contrary to popular belief that the Terrible Twos begins when a toddler turns two years of age, it can begin at any time after the first birthday (and sometimes even before).  The average age that the Terrible Twos begin is around 18 months, and it can last until 3 years of age.  Unfortunately for me, I already started noticing the early beginnings of the Terrible Twos in Gavin since he turned 1, although his moods and emotions are steadily getting worse.  I almost dread to think what they will be like at their peak.

What can you do to ease the Terrible Twos?  Well, I read a little book by Harvey Karp called “The Happiest Toddler on the Block”.  I’ve applied his suggestions with mixed results.  I don’t know if I’m imagining it, but I do feel Gavin is making more progress the more I used it.  I’m hoping that as he gets older and understands more, the tactics in the book will have even more effect on him.

Below: at times when Gavin seems rather trying, it’s good to have adorable photos of him playing side by side with his god sister.

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“Wonder week or wonder month?”

That’s a question the hubby keeps asking me whenever I put down Gavin’s excessive clinginess and crankiness as a result of him going through that final wonder week of the first year.  It’s coming to nearly a month since I wrote about Gavin entering his final wonder week and we’re all wondering when it’ll be over.  Still exceedingly clingy, and cranky for unknown reasons, this never ending wonder week is really wearing me out.  Between having to carry Gavin most of the time while we shop and having to pace up and down our room while trying to get him to sleep, I’m starting to develop injuries in my elbow and foot!

Recently, he started refusing to sit in the carseat, making going out alone with him quite a challenge.  Given that my SIL will be leaving for Australia tomorrow morning, I was starting to get a little desperate.  Without her to drive while I pacified Gavin in the backseat, our little excursions are as good as finished unless I can re-train him to sit in his carseat again.

A huge benefit of being the primary caregiver for Gavin is that I can make some educated guesses about how to make it easier to manage his difficult periods since we are so often in each other’s company.  Observing Gavin closely over the last couple of weeks, has alerted me to the fact that he can no longer get through the morning without a nap roughly about two hours after he wakes up.  Skip that nap and he’s likely to be more irritable and extremely difficult to manage.  I used to be able to bypass this nap as long as I made things entertaining for him.  Now, whenever we head out before his morning nap, he’s usually excessively fussy by the time we’re headed for home.  Unless, I rock him to sleep before putting him in the car, I can pretty much guarantee that he’ll be howling before we get home. 

All the little tricks that used to work with him no longer seem to have any effect when he’s had enough.  Now that he’s older with more of a personality, he’s also a lot more determined and focussed on things we could previously distract him from.  Attempting to use distraction when he’s not ready to be distracted only serves to infuriate him even more.  There have been times when he’s thrown toys and food in a steadfast refusal to be pacified.

It used to be that only when it was late at night and he was very tired that he would scream whenever someone took him away from me.  Now, he’ll scream whenever he’s taken from me and he’s feeling particularly clingy to Mummy.  The hubby used to employ a trick of “snatch and distract” where he would grab Gavin from my arms and distract him with some new shopping sights so that I could have a break from carrying him.  Recently, that tactic has been met with a lot more resistence and intense crying.  Sometimes he cries so hard, he throws up - which makes me reluctant to let him to cry, even though he is in the arms of someone who loves him.

Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder if there could be another cause to his unexplained crankiness - like the fact that he finally cut his upper central incisors this morning.  Then I think of all the new big developments he’s made in the recent couple of weeks, like walking all the way down the stairs holding on to the banister, kissing and waving on demand, dancing to music on TV, pointing to “Ah Mah”, “Ah Kong” and “Papa” when we ask where they are, sticking two duplo pieces together instead of throwing them…  These are pretty big developments that seem to coincide nicely with the Wonder Weeks theory.

I’ve also started using the tips from Happiest Toddler on the Block, especially after watching them on the DVD I bought.  As recommended by Harvey Karp, I would use “toddlerese” and the “fast food rule” to show Gavin I understood what he wanted, and then I would redirect his attention to what I wanted him to do. 

The ”fast food rule” just means repeating to Gavin what you think he wants in an emphatic tone of voice and an expression that mirrors his feelings.  So the more upset he is, the more emphatic you need to be.  Since his language is limited, more so when he’s upset, it means you need to use short sentences consisting of only a few words and you have to keep repeating them so that the words get through to him.

When I first started doing this, my results were somewhat mediocre.  Sometimes Gavin seemed to get more upset.  Then I noticed that if I attempted this tactic when I could see a tantrum on the verge of blowing, I could usually head it off before he blew up.  I suspect that my “mirroring” of his emotions weren’t quite emphatic enough when he was already upset (since I reckon I’m a pretty laid back and sedate person most of the time), but that it was sufficient for the times when I knew he didn’t like what was coming. 

At times, I even gave up using toddlerese altogether when he flew into a tantrum.  For instance, when I was changing his diaper, I would just plough on and get the task done as quickly as possible then pick him up.  Recently, I started using toddlerese on and off and it seems like he’s starting to understand what I’m doing.  Perhaps there’s hope for the toddlerese technique to help quell his tantrums after all…

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If I haven’t been posting much over the last couple of weeks, it’s because Gavin has entered a funny phase.  Clingy, cranky and crying much more than usual, I thought at first it was some sort of post-trauma effect due to the recent viral infection he had recently while we were in Australia.  Then, of course, there was the case of sibbling rivalry that Gavin endured when his godsister came over for two days, which in itself was also pretty traumatic for an infant.

When he was all better and there were no other toddlers to be jealous of, I started to feel like a bad Mum who wasn’t handling her infant right.  Hearing baby cry with such distress is equally traumatising for Mum as it is for infant.  It felt especially bad because my one-stop solution (offering the breast) for most of his cries wasn’t working with its usual reliability.  Although I knew it was not personal, it was still pretty hard to accept as a breastfeeding Mum.

I began to suspect that the burst of tantrums were due to a milestone achievement - Gavin is at a stage where all he wants to do is practice his new-found mobility and hates anything that takes him away from it.  Despite my suspicions, the old fear that I wasn’t doing something right was still nagging me.  And even if I was right, I still had no solutions for managing the tantrums.  I attempted a little Toddlerese even though I thought Gavin was a little too young for it and found myself with some success.  Still better than nothing.

Laila, from www.thehappiestbaby.com, recommended that I get the DVD which shows some pretty effective methods to handle tantrums.  So I placed an order and I’m now awaiting delivery of my DVD - I’ll let you know how that goes…

In the meantime, I did a little more research online and discovered Moxie Blogs (well, not exactly discovered since I first heard about it from my BFF’s blog, but I’d forgotten about it).  Moxie had a blog post discussing some of the growing pains a 9 month baby experiences which results in night waking and irritability.  She also made reference to a really useful book called “The Wonder Weeks: How to Turn Your Baby’s 8 Great Fussy Phases into Magical Leaps Forward” by Hetty Vanderijt and Frans Plooij.

Although I haven’t read the book, this is the gist of what I got out of the excerpt Amazon displayed:

The Wonder Weeks refer to eight predictable periods of increased fussiness that all babies experience during periods of growth where they are making big leaps forward in development.  The authors of the book report that these periods are roughly around the same periods for every baby.  During such periods, babies exhibit the three C’s - crying, crankiness, and clinginess.  The duration of these periods vary from baby to baby - from as little as a few days to a few weeks.  The intensity also depends on the baby’s disposition with high need babies being more fussy than easy-going babies.

The eight fussy periods are around the 5th, 8th, 12th, 15th, 23rd, 34th, 42nd, and 51st week plus or minus one to two weeks.  Gavin is now 40 weeks and 2 days and he’s already started to crawl, pull up and take a few assisted steps.  I would say that’s a pretty big milestone.  The book also recommends what parents can do to smoothen the ride through the fussy periods but alas you need to have the book to know. 

Although hubby and I seemed to have made it through the first six fussy periods without losing too much hair and sleep over it, I have to admit, Gavin’s recent fussiness has got me hanging by a thread.  Even if the book is only good for two more fussy periods, I was determined to get it.  A search for the book on Amazon revealed that it was going to cost US$138.94!  It seems the book is no longer in print and whatever copies there are available are now highly sought after.

One of the commenters on Moxie’s Blog offers another book that apparently offers similar information called, “Child Behavior: The Classic Childcare Manual from the Gesell Institute of Human Development” by Frances L. Ilg and Louise Bates Ames which is definitely cheaper to buy and most probably easier to get as well.  After flicking through the excerpt from Amazon, I’m not sure if it offers enough detail on the wonder weeks of the first year, although the book covers child development from birth to ten years.

Is it exorbitant to spend US$138.94 plus postage and handling (the most expensive parenting book I’ve ever seen) on a book that will only relevant to Gavin for a couple more months?  Or perhaps I should just bank on Gavin getting through this fussy period over the next few days as opposed to the next few weeks?

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