I confess, I was never always against the idea of corporal punishment.  At one stage, I even believed that if you “spare the rod”, you “spoil the child”.  My only defense lies in the fact that I believed it back in days before I became a parent.  I used to think that juvenile deliquents existed because their parents failed to discipline (read: smack, because back then discipline to me meant smacking, spanking, hitting or whatever name it goes by under the umbrella term of corporal punishment) them adequately when they were younger, and that was why I was all for corporal punishment. 

And then I became a mother.

And the maternal instincts kicked in.

Okay, okay, perhaps it started a little before that.  I was pregnant and the dog was misbehaving and while I was threatening to smack him for being “bad” that was about as far as I could go.  I couldn’t bring myself to inflict harm upon him.

Even as I look at my son, I don’t think I could lay a hand upon him and justify it under the term of “discipline”.

I decided “to each his own”.  Corporal punishment may be the way for some parents but it wasn’t going to be for me.

That was when I started reading to educate myself on what other options existed besides corporal punishment.  How else could I raise a well-behaved, confident and socially well-adjusted child?

Reading led to the discovery of the mounting evidence against corporal punishment and the ill-effects of corporal punishment on the developing brain of a child.  I was alarmed.  If my decision not to discipline my son with corporal punishment was born from an instinct, my conviction for that decision had been cemented by the evidence.  Where I once told the hubby that he could discipline our son as he saw fit and I would do as I saw fit, I now felt compelled to convince him of the dangers of corporal punishment.

Why is corporal punishment so damanging to a child?

Because corporal punishment causes stress in a child that is no different to the stress a child experiences when being bullied or suffering from child abuse.  Brain scans show structural and biochemical changes that affect social behaviour. 

Cell death in the anterior cingulate gyrus affects a child’s ability to moderate fear and to empathise.  Changes in the brain’s pathways affect a child’s ability to manage stress and being more prone to being impulsive, agressive and/or anxious.  Long term changes to the adrenaline systems in the brain affect the ability to think clearly.  Impairment in the brain stem has been linked to ADHD, depression and impaired attention.  It also leads to more aggression and irritability.

Other changes to the brain have also been observed:

• decrease in size of the corpus callosum causing manic shifts in mood states
• reduced amygdala and hippocampus resulting in depression, irritability and hostility; and poor memory function
• affects the GABA system making a child feel unsafe and constantly living in a state of alarm

Violent methods of discipline also been linked to children with anti-social behaviour and increased prevalence of psychiatric disorders, while non-violent methods of discipline is linked to higher cognitive function.

A common argument for the corporal punishment camp is one that goes something along the lines of, “I was spanked as a child and I turned out okay.”

A couple of other arguments stem from this point as well.  Firstly, what is okay?  Could it be that if we weren’t smacked we might have more deeper and meaningful friendships?  Better relationships?  Lasting marriages?  Feel less depressed?  Perform better at work?  Have a better outlook and attitude towards life?

Secondly, children who have been hit by misguided well-intentioned parents are later able to reach a well adjusted adulthood, it is because of the love, nurturance and appropriate limit-setting not because of the physical violence they received.

Jordan Riak cites an excellent example that articulates the fallacy of this belief rather aptly (incidentally, each and every one of these examples apply to my own childhood, too):

Let’s test the I-turned-out-okay argument by examining a few real-life examples from my own childhood. See if they apply to you.

1. There were ashtrays in every room of our house. My parents smoked, as did most adult visitors to our home. The aroma of cigarette, cigar and pipe smoke was always present. Nobody minded. In fact, not one day passed in my early life when I was not exposed to tobacco smoke. I was even exposed in the womb because my mother smoked when she was pregnant with me. And I turned out okay. 
2. The first family car I remember was a 1937 Chevrolet sedan. It had no seat belts. When we traveled, I was merely plunked down on the back seat with the expectation that gravity would keep me there. It did. And I turned out okay. 
3. All the places in which I lived as a child were painted with lead-based paint. And I turned out okay. 
4. I used a bicycle throughout my childhood and teen years, but never wore any kind of protective headgear. And I turned out okay.

Was my family wise or just lucky? Today, we don’t do those things anymore. We don’t take such risks, and we don’t expose our children to such risks – not if we know the facts.

Quite possibly, one of the uncomfortable notions about bashing corporal punishment is that many of us (at least in the circle of people that I know) were smacked at some stage when we were children.  The idea that our parents did wrong against us can be a rather uncomfortable one to face.  I’m not bashing the way we were raised by our parents.  They did what they felt was right at the time because they lacked the awareness of the possible side effects.  All the examples listed above are other ways our parents did “wrong” against us but they were accepted practices in their day.

I could cite a few more…

When I was a kid, I was treated by dentists who never wore gloves.  Would you allow a dentist to put her hands into your mouth now without gloves?

As a child, I was weaned by my mother because that was the recommended practice of the day but I don’t blame my mother for it, nor do I complain that I am intellectually weaker than my peers who were lucky enough to be breastfed as a result.

The Efficacy of Corporal Punishment

One might argue that corporal punishment is effective in conveying the message across to a child that they did wrong and that nothing else works quite as well.  Longitudinal studies have shown that, in fact, the converse is true.  In fact, schools that had the highest rates of corporal punishment also had “the lowest graduation rates, the highest rates of teen pregnancy, the highest incarceration rates and the highest murder rates“.

From: The Influence of Corporal Punishment on Crime
By Adah Maurer, Ph.D. and James S. Wallerstein (1987)

You will find that adults who were hit as kids, while believing that it did them “no harm” can seldom articulate any way in which it helped them.  Let’s be honest, if you were smacked at a kid and you behaved after that, why did you behave?  Was it because you knew it was wrong?  Because you were afraid of getting smacked again?  Or because you didn’t want to disappoint your parents? 

Exactly what are the lessons learned from being hit?  Often it leads to bullying and the acceptance that it is okay to hit others.  What happened to the moral of the story?  Your child might behave in front of you but how will you know what goes on behind your back?  Discipline should be about raising morally-aware children with a social conscience, and not creating fear-inspired behaviours in a child that don’t last once the child is out of sight. 

There are Other Ways to Discipline

It also seems to me that a common misconception is that if I choose not to discipline my child by smacking him, I’m choosing not to discipline him at all (forgive me if I’m making a generalisation here as this is based on a comment made on a recent post I wrote about Choosing a Parenting Style).  Perhaps such thoughts are only limited to those near-sighted enough to believe that the only way to discipline a child is through violence.

There are other ways to discipline a child.  They are generally more time consuming and they also require more effort.  Let’s face it - it’s definitely a lot easier to just yell at your child or smack him for misbehaving.  It doesn’t require much thought and I’m sure the action alone will help you let off some steam from the anger buttons your child has just pushed.

This is a long and lengthy topic, but if you’re convinced that non-violent discipline is the way to go, then might I recommend these resources:

• AskDrSears
• The Discipline Book
• The Successful Child
• The Science of Parenting

Or at the very least read the evidence or dig deeper yourself:

• Plain Talk About Spanking
• Spanking by Parents and Subsequent Antisocial Behavior of Children
• CORPORAL PUNISHMENT BY MOTHERS AND COGNITIVE DEVELOPMENT OF CHILDREN: A LONGITUDINAL STUDY
• Slapping and spanking in childhood and its association with lifetime prevalence of psychiatric disorders
• The Influence of Corporal Punishment on Crime
• The Science of Parenting

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A couple of nights ago, we had another one of those “difficult nights”.  An over-tired and super cranky Gavin launched into a very long and very loud crying fit that had the whole house on edge.

The Background

Gavin has a tendency to wake up in the morning before receiving his full 10-12 hours of sleep a night.  Usually to help him clock in the hours, I will keep him upstairs and let him play a little while before trying to nurse or rock him back to sleep. 

One evening, the hubby suggested I take him downstairs instead of letting him go back to sleep.  I immediately debunked his suggestion and told him that if I took Gavin downstairs, he wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep until his nap time and he would forever be playing “catch up” on his sleep.  Since sleep is a child’s time for putting in order the things he has learned during the day, I felt it extremely important that Gavin gets adequate quantities of sleep regardless of how we managed it.  At this age, adequate is 10-12 hours of sleep a night, plus at least one 2-3 hours nap in the afternoon.

What Happened

One morning Gavin woke up at 7am (after falling asleep at about 11pm the night before).  By 8am, he still hadn’t gone back to sleep.  Feeling bad for thrashing the hubby’s suggestion some evenings previously, I decided to try what he suggested and bring him downstairs to play for a bit (hoping I could help him make up for the lack of sleep during his day time nap).

Gavin played for a while and went up for another nap at 11am.  He woke up at 12:30pm.  My SIL2 and I took him shopping.  I hoped the shopping excursion would wear him out sufficiently to take a second nap later in the afternoon (given that Gavin hasn’t had two naps in the day in quite a long while and sometimes pushes 6 hours plus between nap and bedtime).

When we got home, he refused to sleep (it was about 4pm).  Rocking and nursing failed to get him off to bed.  It was 5:30pm when I decided to give up and let him have an early night.  When he went back downstairs, he was running around like a mad boy, squealing with delight and joy as he played with our maid and my SIL2.  Everything seemed to be going well.

By dinner time, he was clearly getting tired.  Hubby took him up to bathe - he wailed all the way through.  By the time hubby passed Gavin to me to nurse to sleep, Gavin’s eyes were almost shut.  He fell asleep in record time and all was well (it was about 7:30pm).

8:15pm, Gavin woke up crying.  The crying escalated to inconsolable screaming wails.  I offered my breast, he rejected it.  I carried him around the room, rocking and patting him but he wouldn’t calm down.  After a while, I could make out a hiccoughing request for “milk”, so I offered him my breast.  I soon realised that he couldn’t drink because his nose was blocked and that made him even more upset.  He launched into a fresh bout of screeching wails while I tried to rock him and soothe him.

At about this point, the hubby said in a rather calm voice, “You should manage his day better.”

With Gavin’s wailing in the background, I wasn’t sure I heard him right.  “What?”  I asked.

He repeated himself.

I couldn’t believe it.

Note to all the Dads out there reading this blog post (or Mums, if Dad is the stay-home parent):

1. Please don’t insult us mothers by stating the obvious.  The fact that Gavin’s misery was brought upon by a lack of sleep was clearly evident.  It doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out. 

2. If you must insist on making such comments, please find a more appropriate time to do so. When the baby is wailing at the top of his voice is NOT and appropriate time.

The Solution

We took Gavin downstairs, turned on Playhouse Disney and let him watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.  He was a lot better after that.  His nose had also cleared up, so that by the time we took him back upstairs, he was able to nurse again.

The Conclusion

Unfortunately for me, after nursing, he stayed up until 11:30pm, albeit in a much improved disposition.

While some toddlers manage to thrive regardless of the amount of sleep they get, Gavin, evidently, is not one of those toddlers.  Needless to say, I will not be bringing him downstairs until he has clocked an adequate amount of sleep for a “night” as this experience has merely served to reinforce the fact that there is no such thing as “catch up” sleep during nap time - at least, not where Gavin is concerned.

The other thing I’ve learned is that when it comes to mothering a child - mother does indeed know best.  So Mums - trust your own instincts, even if it goes against what everyone else tells you.  You are the one who spends the most time with your child - it naturally stands to reason that you will know your child best.

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Since becoming a parent, I have discovered two very important lessons:

1. What goes around comes around.

2. Never say “never”.

It was the hubby that learned the first lesson the hard way.  Before Gavin was born, he used to criticise children who screamed in restaurants.  He even made himself a promise that no child of his would scream in a restaurant.

Now, he is the abashed father of a little screamer.

As for the second lesson…  I feel I know it all too well.  I was never going to let my child watch TV before the age of two.  I was never going to give my child sweets and treats before the age of two.  I was never going to bribe my child into good behaviour.  Ah… the list could fill a whole page, but I think you get the picture.

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There’s a stomach flu bug going around and it struck me again, although I think I had a milder reaction to it this time.  Although I felt really crook, I didn’t have any fever (despite the fact that the doctor registered a mild elevation in body temperature).  I had a headache and muscular aches all over again - symptomatic of viral infections, meaning no antibiotics required, and I felt general malaise (that-out-of-sorts feeling you get when you’re getting ill) and fatigue.  I had stomach upset and a lack of appetite, an increased need to defecate, although no diarrhoea, and I was nauseous.

As usual, I was reluctant to go to the doctor because I knew what was wrong, what diagnosis the doctor would pronounce and what treatment he would recommend.  My MIL was concerned, so I agreed in the end to go.  Also because hubby and MIL have been wondering if I’m pregnant since my symptoms seem so mild so I wanted to get that score settled once and for all. It took me nearly an hour to see the doctor - this is exactly why I don’t like to see doctors when it feels so unnecessary.  I already feel crummy, all I want to do is sleep and I have to sit in a waiting room with sick people to see a doctor who’s going to tell me what I already know.

Well, I know better next time.  My poor MIL was forced to entertain Gavin for that entire hour while I waited so it can’t have been much fun for her either.

The doctor’s diagnosis? A viral infection originating from the stomach - apparently seems there’s a lot of this going around lately.  No kidding.  I just had it about two or three weeks ago.  He did ask about my period but since I only had it about a couple of weeks ago, he immediately ruled out a possible pregnancy.  It’s definitely way too early for any pregnancy symptoms to show.

The treatment? Stay away from oily and spicy foods.  Milk is still okay, unless I start getting diarrhoea.  100Plus or Excel will be good for the nausea (something I usually drink when I’m dehydrated, feeling nauseous or when I’ve had diarrhoea because it replaces lost electrolytes and because my body seems to naturally crave for it).  Paracetamol for the fever and aches, some anti-nausea pills and anti-diarrhoea pills (which I think were of a similar nature to lomotil).

Well, I could have told myself that…

Anyway, the thing that I’ve been wondering is whether Gavin’s been having the bug, too, and feeling crabby because of it?  It might also explain his two episodes of vomiting recently.  Although I know that crying hard can cause babies to throw up but I always thought that was only with really young babies - don’t quote me on this, I haven’t researched it. 

While it is still possible that he threw up because he was upset, I did notice that on the first night he was nursing quietly for a while and then suddenly, it was as if something upset him and he sat bolt upright and starting howling until he threw up (despite all my best efforts to pacify him).

Regardless, I have found a way around the night-time crying before bedtime (or at least minimising it).  I’ve discovered it isn’t so much to do with whether he had one nap or two naps during the day (although, clearly, having that morning nap does improve his disposition somewhat).  It’s got to do with how I put him to sleep.

Sometime back when I had the first episode of the stomach flu, I was so achy, I just couldn’t bear the thought of rocking him and carrying him up and down the room for half an hour to an hour.  Praying that Gavin would be kind to a sick Mummy, I just popped him on my breast and lay down beside him to sleep.  Although I had to go through a routine of switching breasts everytime he came off before he had fallen asleep, I found it infinitely better than having to rock him.  The great thing was that Gavin eventually fell asleep (and so did I).

It worked so well, that even after I got better, I decided to continue this method of putting Gavin to bed.  And it continued to work, at least, up until the day he threw up.  After he threw up the second night, I decided to switch his naptime routine back to its original timing - morning nap when he started to get tired, and an afternoon nap if I could get him to sleep.  That night, I started his bedtime routine by nursing him.  It seemed like he was almost about to fall asleep, then suddenly, as if someone pressed a magic button, he was up and about and ready to explore again. 

Without missing a beat, I scooped him up and started to rock him as I paced around the room.  Clearly he was tired because I noticed his head dropping onto my shoulder shortly after I started pacing.  When he was almost asleep, I brought him back to the bed and nursed him to sleep again.

Although it’s more tedious this way, and definitely more exhausting for me, I feel better about it because it stems off the crying.  Indeed, when I reviewed The Science of Parenting, Sunderland writes that “if your under-five child is hyperaroused and out-of-control, pick her up and hold her.  With high levels of physical arousal, she won’t be able to focus on what you are saying, however simply it is expressed”.  When you hold your child, make sure you’re calm, not angry.  Your child needs to feel that you are in control because their out-of-control state can be very terrifying for them.  It helps them to know that there is some big and calm who can help them manage their intense emotions.

I’ve been reading one of the parenting forums about toddlers and sleep and it seems parents feel pressured to get their toddler to sleep in their own room after the age of one.  They do so even if it means crying spells and vomiting, although the latter seems to cause a certain amount of distress to some parents.  Somehow they can take the crying, but they can’t take the vomiting.  What I found particularly alarming is when parents write that they feel their child is vomiting on purpose.  I mean, we’re talking about a child under two, who is in a hysterical state - the child is highly unlikely to be in any frame of mind to manipulate his parents into feeling guilt by forcing himself to vomit.

Even adults have difficulty thinking straight when they’re upset.  Imagine how much more difficult it would be for a toddler…

While we’re on the topic of manipulation, yes, I don’t doubt that children are often testing the boundaries with their parents and seeing how far they can push them to get a reaction.  They are learning how to push our buttons through observation and they also quickly discern who the weakest link is.  At the same time, you can also learn a lot about your child as you watch him grow.

For instance, when Gavin throws a fake cry, I know instantly it isn’t real.  He makes a few coughing sounds that appears as if he’s trying to cry but not succeeding.  It’s also easy to get him to forget about his pretend state by engaging him in other activities.  Whereas when he’s really upset, it’s almost as if nothing you say appears to penetrate the howls.  It takes time to calm him down.

I guess that’s the challenge of being a parent - being able to distinguish when your child is playing up and when they’re crying for you to save them from their emotions.  As your child grows older and becomes more adept, it gets harder, but at this age (Gavin’s age now), I think it’s still quite straightforward.

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When I told a friend that I had decided that I was going to avoid using smacking as a form of discipline, she gave me the following advice:

She thought I should avoid the pitfall of becoming a textbook Mum and follow my own instincts, citing her case study of her friend, because she felt that smacking was an essential tool to discipline. According to her, her friend’s parents were paediatricians who took the textbook route to looking after her friend when she was a baby and never once smacked her friend while she was growing up. Her friend eventually grew up to be as messed-up a person as there ever could be. When her friend’s parents raised her friend’s sister, they decided to use their own instincts instead and her friend’s sister turned out to be well-balanced and as normal a person as there ever could be.

Naturally, I scoffed at her.  Firstly, there are many textbooks and many different parenting philosophies around. Since she’s talking about her friend who would be about my age, I would say that the textbook philosophies that her friend’s parents followed date back to my parents era and is most likely obsolete by now or at least superceded by new philosophies based on longer term studies and a better understanding of the brain. Secondly, I doubt she has ever read any books on parenting herself since she’s not even a mother, so I think it is a little rich to be criticising something you don’t really understand and stereotyping it as a whole that they are all one and the same.

I, too, have had my share of misconceived ideas on how a child should be raised and I, too, once thought smacking was okay, but that was before I became a mother and started educating myself in the various philosophies of parenting.  I believe that until you become a mother yourself, you will never really know what you will do or which method works best for you.  Though I read books about parenting and follow their advice for guidance, the manner in which I raise Gavin is still the sum of that which I have read and my instincts on how best to apply what I’ve read to the real life situation. 

Although there is a belief that the way we parent our children will largely be derived from the way we were raised as children, I think my last post on the topic says enough of what I thought of my parents’ parenting methods.  I don’t believe that we should follow tradition or the methods our parents employed just because they are supposedly more experienced than we are having raised x number of children who have turned out the way we have and since there is nothing overtly wrong with her, it therefore proves that their methods are the best way to raise a child.  Given the fact that we have access to far more parenting resources than our parents ever did, we owe it to our children to examine those resources and choose the methods of parenting that make the most sense to us.

While some parents may have philosophies that differ from mine, and even if some of those philosophies alarm me because of the harm I believe they can cause to a child, I don’t believe that any parent in their right mind would do anything to deliberately harm their own child.  If such methods are employed, I believe they are done so because of a lack of awareness of the potential damage they can inflict upon that child.  All I can hope is that their children are sufficiently robust on an emotional level not to be affected by CIO or that their parents wisen up to the inadequacies of such parenting methods.

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Whenever I hear about “CIO” (cry-it-out) and mothers using this method to train their babies to sleep on their own, I often get alarmed.  Even though these mothers may be able to boast children that appear to be better behaved and more “independent”, I fear the CIO method of rearing a child can be so emotionally scarring that the effects of it will last even as your child enters adulthood.  That is because CIO teaches a child that when they cry (when they hurt, when they need help), no one will respond to them.  This then translates to a lack of trust or willingness to open up to others because they have learned from an early age that the world cannot be depended upon and everything must be dealt with on their own. 

Why do I feel so strongly about CIO?  Because I was a CIO baby.  I was weaned from birth and spent a large part of my childhood in the care of people other than my parents.  I was looked after by two different aunts, then I went to a home where I only got to see my parents when they visited me on the weekend.  Although my parents met all of my physical needs growing up - they provided food, shelter, and clothing - I was emotionally dry.  I endured the three worst periods of my life alone when I should have gone to them for support and yet I didn’t because I had never asked for their help with anything that really mattered in my life.  Despite how difficult it had been, I couldn’t bring myself to get help from them.  No doubt I would might made different decisions if I had had their support. 

In every essence, I was extremely obedient all the way through school and into University until I finally plucked up the courage to rebel in my final year (though not without enduring a lot of unnecessary emotional turmoil and anguish).  My aunt even told me once that she used to envy my parents for having such “well-behaved” children and wonder why her children weren’t like us.  That was, until she realised how much both my brother and I had kept to ourselves.

In fact, I can’t even take credit for being a good kid.  I believe I never got into any real trouble because I was lucky to be among the right crowds at school (read: I hung out with the goody-two-shoes-nerds).  I never had to face the peer pressure of doing drugs or alcohol and my few encounters with alcohol abuse were among responsible, trustworthy friends who made sure I got home safely.

I don’t blame my parents for the way I was raised - I put it down to the fact that they didn’t know better.  After all, my mother was from an era where even the doctors were encouraging them to wean their babies.  She was encouraged to let us cry it out so we wouldn’t become spoilt.  I was cared for by other people because my mother had to work and couldn’t manage both my brother and me.  I know they regret the parenting decisions they made - there were a few times when my Dad tried to apologise for sending me to that home.  In fact, becoming a parent myself, has been quite therapeutic in its own way because I have learned to put the past behind me and strengthened the relationship I have with my parents.

The one good thing that came out of my childhood was that it made me more determined to get it right with my children.  When I was a teenager, I promised myself that unless I could devote the time necessary to ensure I could be the best mother possible, I would not have children.  This promise is the only thing keeping me from taking up job offers from the headhunters that call me, because I won’t deny that the ambitious part of me would love to take on a regional role and be a corporate high flier.

I know my story is just a study of one - but it is the personal factor that has strongly motivated me to look further into the parenting philosophies available and pick the one that made the most sense to me.  It was Sears, with his years of experience in paediatrics, sharing the experiences of his patients’ parents, learning from them and his own personal experience of having eight children, who seemed to me to be one of the more credible personalities to be handing out parenting advice.  And it is Sears’ view of differing parenting methodologies that explained best my childhood experience and how it affected my later life as an adult.

Though it may be quite draining sometimes to have to handle Gavin all the time on the days where he only wants me, I think it’s worth it.  What’s a few years of his life taken to set up the foundation for a bond in our relationship that will last a lifetime?

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At 1 year and 2 months, Gavin has developed a renewed fondness for Mummy and an apprehensiveness of anyone else that has led a number of comments.  From the tone of their voices, I can pretty much guess that they don’t think this is very healthy, especially when the children of people they know don’t seem to exhibit such clinginess. 

Since I’m one of the few they know who has continued nursing my son past one year, they believe that Gavin’s clinginess is due, in part, to the breastfeeding and possibly because Gavin spends too much time around me.  Perhaps this is the reason why they keep hinting that I should wean him.  I’ve also had some suggestions that I should pan off some responsibility of looking after Gavin to others so that he can get used to being in the company of others.

The question that pops in my mind is: “Why are they so eager for my baby to become independent before he’s even learned how to walk properly?”  Firstly, there’s nothing wrong with extended breastfeeding, in fact it’s beneficial!  Secondly, there’s also nothing wrong with a little bit of clinginess considering Gavin is only just over a year old!  Childhood recapitulates evolution and a healthy instinct is to cling to Mummy because she represents safety from predators.  Our babies don’t know that we have evolved such that predators are no longer other animals that want to eat them, but they are other things that could harm them, like cars.

I really don’t understand this concept of training a baby to be independent because it doesn’t make sense to me.  A baby is born dependent and relies on Mum and Dad to take care of his needs (both physical and emotional) until such time that he is able to fulfil those needs on his own.  The relationship babies have with their Mums and Dads in these early years form the foundation upon which they will base their future relationships.  If parents try too hard to force their babies into a premature independence, they are likely to raise children who become adults that are unable to form close relationships with others. 

In fact, according to Dr Sears, we shouldn’t be trying to teach our children independence.  We should be teaching them about interdependence.  There is a fine balance between dependence and independence and a healthy person should be somewhere in the middle.  Our children need to learn to do things on their own - true - but they also need to know how to turn back and ask for help when life gets tough.  Forcing them prematurely into independence teaches them that they can’t trust anyone and they won’t know how to come back to Mum and Dad for help when they really need it.  I think that old proverb, “No man is an island”, says it best.

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I read the following article from my BFF’s site and felt that it was an article that every new parent should read.  Too often I hear about parents, relatives, friends, etc. making negative comments about picking babies up too often, allowing them to co-sleep, carrying them around.  The comments I often hear run something along the lines of spoiling the baby, and being manipulated by baby.  Well, here’s a comment I’ve heard that really resonates with me: “Fruits spoil, babies don’t.”

I believe in attachment parenting and everything that goes with it - the breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and baby-wearing.  Perhaps I have too strong an opinion about it, but I believe in scientific parenting, evidence-based parenting, natural parenting, or whatever you want to call it.  There is a growing body of evidence screaming to be read that contradicts a lot of the parenting philosophies of our modern society and the following article is one such piece of evidence.

I have been criticised for being a text-book Mum and for going against a lot of “hand-me-down” advice, but I stand firmly by what is proven and factual - not what is believed or theoretical.  My parenting philosophies aren’t based on any individual’s ideology, they’re based on findings in human development studies.  My parenting principles are founded on findings that take into consideration large study group populations with children of different personality types, environmental backgrounds, and socioeconomic standing.  They are more than just one mother’s experience with her children.

If you’re like me, then don’t take my word for it.  Read the articles for yourself and make your own conclusions.

Children Need Touching and Attention, Harvard Researchers Say
By Alvin Powell

(Source: The Harvard University Gazette)

http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/1998/04.09/ChildrenNeedTou.html

America’s “let them cry” attitude toward children may lead to more fears and tears among adults, according to two Harvard Medical School researchers.

Instead of letting infants cry, American parents should keep their babies close, console them when they cry, and bring them to bed with them, where they’ll feel safe, according to Michael L. Commons and Patrice M. Miller, researchers at the Medical School’s Department of Psychiatry.

The pair examined childrearing practices here and in other cultures and say the widespread American practice of putting babies in separate beds — even separate rooms — and not responding quickly to their cries may lead to incidents of post-traumatic stress and panic disorders when these children reach adulthood.

The early stress resulting from separation causes changes in infant brains that makes future adults more susceptible to stress in their lives, say Commons and Miller.

“Parents should recognize that having their babies cry unnecessarily harms the baby permanently,” Commons said. “It changes the nervous system so they’re overly sensitive to future trauma.”

The Harvard researchers’ work is unique because it takes a cross-disciplinary approach, examining brain function, emotional learning in infants, and cultural differences, according to Charles R. Figley, director of the Traumatology Institute at Florida State University and editor of The Journal of Traumatology.

“It is very unusual but extremely important to find this kind of interdisciplinary and multidisciplinary research report,” Figley said. “It accounts for cross-cultural differences in children’s emotional response and their ability to cope with stress, including traumatic stress.”

Figley said Commons and Miller’s work illuminates a route of further study and could have implications for everything from parents’ efforts to intellectually stimulate infants to practices such as circumcision.

Commons has been a lecturer and research associate at the Medical School’s Department of Psychiatry since 1987 and is a member of the Department’s Program in Psychiatry and the Law.

Miller has been a research associate at the School’s Program in Psychiatry and the Law since 1994 and an assistant professor of psychology at Salem State College since 1993. She received master’s and doctorate degrees in human development from the Graduate School of Education.

The pair say that American childrearing practices are influenced by fears that children will grow up dependent. But they say that parents are on the wrong track: physical contact and reassurance will make children more secure and better able to form adult relationships when they finally head out on their own.

“We’ve stressed independence so much that it’s having some very negative side effects,” Miller said.

The two gained the spotlight in February when they presented their ideas at the American Association for the Advancement of Science’s annual meeting in Philadelphia.

Commons and Miller, using data Miller had worked on that was compiled by Robert A. LeVine, Roy Edward Larsen Professor of Education and Human Development, contrasted American childrearing practices with those of other cultures, particularly the Gusii people of Kenya. Gusii mothers sleep with their babies and respond rapidly when the baby cries.

“Gusii mothers watching videotapes of U.S. mothers were upset by how long it took these mothers to respond to infant crying,” Commons and Miller said in their paper on the subject.

The way we are brought up colors our entire society, Commons and Miller say. Americans in general don’t like to be touched and pride themselves on independence to the point of isolation, even when undergoing a difficult or stressful time.

Despite the conventional wisdom that babies should learn to be alone, Miller said she believes many parents “cheat,” keeping the baby in the room with them, at least initially. In addition, once the child can crawl around, she believes many find their way into their parents’ room on their own.

American parents shouldn’t worry about this behavior or be afraid to baby their babies, Commons and Miller said. Parents should feel free to sleep with their infant children, to keep their toddlers nearby, perhaps on a mattress in the same room, and to comfort a baby when it cries.

“There are ways to grow up and be independent without putting babies through this trauma,” Commons said. “My advice is to keep the kids secure so they can grow up and take some risks.”

Besides fears of dependence, the pair said other factors have helped form our childrearing practices, including fears that children would interfere with sex if they shared their parents’ room and doctors’ concerns that a baby would be injured by a parent rolling on it if the parent and baby shared the bed. Additionally, the nation’s growing wealth has helped the trend toward separation by giving families the means to buy larger homes with separate rooms for children.

The result, Commons and Miller said, is a nation that doesn’t like caring for its own children, a violent nation marked by loose, nonphysical relationships.

“I think there’s a real resistance in this culture to caring for children,” Commons said. But “punishment and abandonment has never been a good way to get warm, caring, independent people.”

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