Some time back I said I was going to summarise the salient points from the landmark parenting book by Margot Sunderland, titled “The Science of Parenting.” For any person who truly desires to raise their child in a manner that will offer that child the best skills for happiness, emotional well-being and success in life, this is the book for you. This summary is intended to offer the gist of the information from the book, but I strongly recommend reading the book to gain a thorough understanding of the psychology of child development. Implementing the recommended methods of parenting is more effective when you understand the theory behind it.

Who is Margot Sunderland?

Firstly, who the heck is Margot Sunderland and why should we be listening to her? What does she know that makes her an expert and an authority to talk about child psychology or even to tell us how we should raise our children?

Margot Sunderand’s professional background:

• Director of Education and Training for the Centre of Child Mental Health in London
• Psychotherapist for children with 20 years of experience working with children and families
• Runs a Masters degree program in Child Psychotherapy and Emotional Literacy for Children
• Author of more than 20 published books on child mental health
• Won an award in Mental Health (from the British Medical Association) for the publication of one of her books in 2002

The Science of Parenting

The research from The Science of Parenting is backed by more than 800 studies from around the world.  The philosophy behind the Science of Parenting is not merely to raise children that become functional adults but for them to become caring, compassionate adults with the capacity to respect the differences of others.  This books reveals the science behind how the early interactions children have with their parents can affect whether or not they grow into adults suffering from depression, anxiety or anger management issues.

When I talk about successful children, I refer to Dr Sears’ definition of a successful child.  A successful child is one that is:

• able to form meaningful relationships with others
• empathic and compassionate
• kind and polite
• smart
• healthy
• able to make wise choices; to think and act morally
• confident
• has a healthy attitude towards sexuality
• able to communicate well
• has a joyful attitude

As a parent, knowing that my role in his life contributes largely towards the success of my child leads me to relentlessly pursue the parenting methodologies that have been proven to offer a child the best chances for success in life.

Professor Jaak Panksepp who has studied the emotional brain for more than 30 years states that:

• “children who emotional feelings are cherished and respected, even their angry outbursts, live more happily than those whose early passions are denied.  Both excessive distress and tender loving care leave lasting marks on the emotional circuits , and mentalities of developing brains.”
• “the first three years of seeking and affectively engaging the world are critical for the future success of every boy and girl.  It is important for them to get off on the right track both emotionally and intellectually.”

“The advances of neuroscience, brain scans, and years of research on the brains of primates and other mammals…” reveal that “key emotional systems in the human brain are moulded for better or worse by parenting experiences.  Although we cannot protect our children from future unhappiness, we now have scientific information about how different methods of parenting impact a child’s brain.”  Although our parents may have raised us differently because they did not have access to the information we have now, the parents of this generation cannot claim such ignorance on the effects certain styles of parenting have on the fragile mind of a child.  We live in the information age and as parents it is our duty to use that information for the betterment of our children’s lives.

This is the first of a series of posts that look at the key points outlined in the book “The Science of Parenting“.  Stay tuned for more on this topic.

Popularity: 6% [?]

After the terrible attempt to seat Gavin in his car seat last Friday, I had grave reservations about even attempting it come Monday this week.  Since I had already made plans with my friend to meet up with her and her daughter for a play gym session at Kidzsports, followed by lunch, I felt I had to at least try.

So how did it go?

While we got off to a bad start to the day when we woke up at 11:15am.  Now Gavin has not woken up so late in a very long time so it took me by surprise as well.  Ordinarily, he’ll wake up anywhere between 8:30-9:30am.

To be fair, we did go out quite late the night before.  We attended a friend’s birthday party at The Curve and didn’t come home until about 10:30pm.  However, Gavin was in bed and fast asleep by 11pm - not exactly unusual for him since there have been times when he has woken up late from an afternoon nap and not fallen asleep until 11pm-12am, and gone on to wake up at his regular hour of 9am the following morning.

Sears from The Successful Child Book also recommended that if you wanted full cooperation from your child on a busy morning, the tip is to go “slow”.  Well, slow was the last thing on my mind since we were supposed to meet my friend at 11am and we had only just woken up and perhaps that contributed to Gavin’s lack of cooperation in the car seat.

Deciding not to waste any time this time, I presented Gavin with Emily, the train - whom he hadn’t been allowed to play with since I took it back from him on Friday.  Perhaps it was a mistake to show him something that had been related to a previous traumatic incident or perhaps Emily had lost her charm since Gavin had already seen her last Friday, I can’t say for certain.  What was certain was that Emily wasn’t going to be enough to get Gavin to cooperate and sit in his chair.

On this day I did two things that I know are big “no-nos” when it comes to child car safety so please don’t comment to lecture me about - I already know.  I’m sharing this experience for the benefit of my self-analysis and in the hope that some other first time Mum might find the information useful.

Anyway, the first big “no-no” was that I moved Gavin’s car seat to the front passenger seat.  It must have been the novelty of sitting up front that got him, because Gavin didn’t protest when I strapped him into his car seat.  We got all the way to Bangsar Village without mishap and everything was great until it was time to leave.  Needless to say, Gavin refused to get back into the car seat and nothing I did would change his mind.

Ordinarily, if I can’t get Gavin to sit in his car seat to go home, I would just carry him around the mall until he fell asleep and then put him back into the car.  Since Gavin woke up at 11:15 that morning, it would mean hanging around the mall until at least 4pm (or maybe even later) before I would have had any hope of sending him to sleep for the car ride home.

Gavin used his regular stalling tactics and wanted to nurse, so I did.  Whenever he came off the breast, I would make to put him back into his car seat and he would then insist he wanted to nurse again.  I even tried forcing him into his car seat which failed miserably because he used the plank position - the one where he straightened his body rigidly so that his would slid right off the chair with any attempts to make him sit.  Honestly, if you have an answer to the plank position that isn’t violent, I’d love to hear it.  This was when I resorted to the second big “no-no” which is even worse than the first - I allowed Gavin to sit on the floor space in front of the front passenger seat.

It was interesting to note that Gavin knew I was extremely displeased with him because he sat very quietly and very still for most of the car ride home.  Whenever he made to get up, I would say “sit” and he would immediately sit back down.  Of course I gave him one heck of a lecture all the way home explaining why I needed him to sit in his car seat and why I was upset with him.  How much of it he took in, I won’t know but the fact that he was calm and listening to me was a good sign.

When we arrived back home, he made several attempts to hug me which I am pretty sure meant he was sorry.  I would soon find out how much of my lecture he took to heart the next time I took him out on my own but we’ll save that for a later post.  What I learned from Monday’s experience was this:

• I’ve said in previous posts that the optimum time to attempt to strap Gavin into his car seat is usually within 1-2 hours after he wakes up in the morning.  Well, I’m now suspecting that getting him to go from waking up straight into the car seat is probably not adviseable either.  I have a feeling he needs a warm up period and a little run around the house before being confined to the car seat.  This is just a hunch that is currently unproven.
• When in doubt about whether Gavin will cooperate and sit in his car seat, the best bribe is something new.  The novelty factor wins every time.  In this case, Emily was no longer a novelty because he had seen her the previous week - during a stressful period to boot.
• Gavin is slowly and gradually becoming teachable - he not only knows when I’m displeased with him but he nows seeks to gain back my approval (which I think was rather evident when he kept trying to hug me).  Further to this, I must add that Sunderland in The Science of Parenting warns us to be aware of such moments when a child is attempting to “mend the broken connection in the relationship”.  She recommends that parents respond with grace and acknowledge the child’s attempts to “make up” because a child in this state is most open with his feelings and most easily crushed by a harsh response.  Even if you are still angry, it is best to reply with a response such as, “I am still too angry with you to respond well to you right now, but I promise I will come and find you when I’m feeling better about things.”

Below: it isn’t a car seat, but a car mag sure helps keep Gavin in it long enough to complete his business.

Popularity: 6% [?]

I was browsing through a blog by Casia Talbert called Healthy Moms recently and came across one of her older posts about the topic of Parenting in which she asked her readers to share their thoughts.  With Gavin demonstrating a more willful nature of late and melting down into more frequent temper tantrums, I find my mind dwelling quite considerably on this topic of late.

What do I think?  Probably too much but I would still like to share what little experience I have gained since I officially became a mother some eighteen months ago (well, technically twenty-seven months ago if you include the pregnancy).

When the hubby and I decided that we wanted to have a baby, one of my biggest concerns was not knowing how to be a good parent.  I’m not talking so much about the basic stuff like bathing, feeding, changing diapers, etc, because those are things that are easily learned.  Neither am I talking about the areas of parenting which I feel are quite clear-cut regarding what is the best option for your child.  For instance, there is plenty of evidence substantiating breastmilk as the best source of nutrition for a baby. 

For me, the part of parenting that concerned me most was discipline.  How do you raise your child so that you can take comfort in knowing that when he is at school, he will make the right choices to stay away from drugs? How can you build a bond with your child so that when he is in trouble, the first person he comes to is you? How can you give your child the best start in life so that he doesn’t end up a juvenile deliquent?

When you read so many terrible stories in the papers about individuals who open up fire on innocent bystanders you have to wonder what happened in their lives that brought them to do such horrific acts.  I think the most horrifying article I have ever read in the papers was about two ten year old boys who tortured a six year old boy.  It really makes you wonder.

Well, it made me wonder anyway. 

When Martha Sears was criticised for having 8 children and contributing to the world’s over-population, she answered, “The world needs my children.”

What can I do as a parent to raise my children so that I too might be able to say, “The world needs my children”?

When the hubby and I started talking about having a baby, I admit I didn’t know the first thing about parenting books - who were the good authors, what were the different parenting philosophies and which ones should I rely on as a resource for raising Gavin.  In some ways, I feel like I missed out on doing a lot of things “right” for Gavin, especially in his first year, because I was too overwhelmed with being a new parent and all the things I had to learn to cope with.  I was too receptive to advice - good and bad.

When it comes to parenting, I find that there is plenty of advice floating around. Being a health science student, I find that I have always tended to look for evidence to substantiate theories rather than to follow the advice of heresay even if it comes from “experienced” parents who know better than me.  Perhaps that makes me annoying, but I would rather work with theories substantiated by studies of hundreds or thousands of children rather than advice that came from a single parent whose experience is limited to one, two or even ten children.

As a first time parent, there is often a lot of trial and error with your first child as you try to navigate your way through the wealth of parenting resource and advice available out there.  Even with all my efforts to educate myself, there are many things I feel I would do differently with my second child that I regret doing or not doing with Gavin.  And if I could go back to the days when I was still pregnant with Gavin, I would read these books in preparation for parenting Gavin:

1. The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland
2. The Baby Book by William and Martha Sears

I have been criticised for being too much of a textbook parent and for relying too heavily upon what I read as opposed to “what works”.  For instance, since having Gavin, I have developed a stance against “smacking” and corporal punishment.  To be honest, I haven’t always felt this way.  I used to believe in the credo “spare the rod, spoil the child”.  What changed my views was when I read The Science of Parenting - which is a book I believe every parent should read before deciding that it is okay to smack their kids.  It was then reaffirmed when I read the parenting philosophy of Dr Sears.

I have heard the argument, “Well, my parents smacked me and I turned out okay.”  True, a child who has been smacked may turn out okay, but why would you persist with such archaic forms of discipline when you know scientifically what it can do to a child’s fragile and developing mind? Our parents may have used these methods because they didn’t know better.  They didn’t have the benefit of science and parenting textbooks to guide them.  Heck!  Even the so-called experts in their day were leading them up the garden path (albeit with good intentions) - consider the numerous doctors who used to promote infant formula over breastmilk!

Why The Science of Parenting? 

Because The Science of Parenting is not based on some doctor’s theory of what she thinks is right, but practical findings from scientific studies of groups of children and how the developing brain works.

Why The Baby Book?

Because William Sears has been a paediatrician for thirty over years, and Martha Sears is a registered nurse and together they have raised eight children of their own.  As health professionals in the field, they have shared the experience of thousands of patients and conducted numerous studies of their own. Being parents of eight children of their own with very different personalities, they are no longer just scientists looking down a microscope and making observations, instead they have first hand experience of what it is like to to practice what they preach.

Had I read these books while I was still pregnant, I would have practiced Attachment Parenting right from day one.  I would have carried Gavin more and not taken so long to accept co-sleeping.  I would have spent more time playing with Gavin and gazing into his eyes instead of watching TV or reading books.  This is because discipline doesn’t begin when your child is old enough to understand you - it begins from day one of your child’s life.

Although the difficulties I currently face with Gavin may have occurred regardless of whether or not I had practiced attachment from day one, there is always going to be a part of me that wonders if he might have been “easier” to handle if I had.  Perhaps he is difficult to manage just because he is like Hayden - the Sears’ fourth child - spirited and determined.  I will never really know.  But just knowing there is another way means I will always keep trying to be a better parent and all I can do is hope that what I do is enough.

Popularity: 12% [?]

I’m sure many parents have been told at one time or another that continually picking up their crying babies would “spoil” them. It has also been said that babies manipulate parents through crying.

Studies have now shown that this is neurobiologically incorrect. The human brain consists of three parts - two of which are the from our evolutionary origins: the reptilian brain (brain stem and cerebellum), the mammalian brain (limbic system), and the rational brain (cortex and frontal lobes).

The reptilian brain is responsible for essential bodily functions that help sustain life, including hunger, digestion, elimination, breathing, circulation, temperature, movement, posture, balance, territorial instincts, and the fight or flight response.

The mammalian brain is responsible for emotions such as fear, rage, separation distress, caring and nurturing, social bonding, playfulness, explorative urge, and lust in adults.

The rational brain provides higher brain functions responsible for creativity, imagination, problem-solving, reasoning, reflection, self-awareness, kindness, empathy and concern.

When a baby is born, much of the rational brain is undeveloped. They are ruled largely by their reptilian and mammalian brains in the first few years of life. “In order to control an adult, a baby needs the power of clear thought, and for that he needs the brain chemical glutamate to be working well in his frontal lobes [within the rational brain]. But the glutamate system is not properly established in a baby’s brain, so that means he is not capable of thinking much about anything, let alone how to manipulate his parents” (Sunderland 39).

When humans first evolved and began to walk on two legs, our pelvis became narrower. As we got smarter, our brains also increased in size. A narrower pelvis and an bigger head meant that babies had to be evicted from the womb “about three months before they are fully mature” or they would not be able to get through the birth canal safely (Karp 65). As such, babies behave like an external foetus at birth and require a fourth trimester outside the womb.

A baby is born with a very limited repertoire of actions - the ability to cry to communicate his needs, the root reflex for feeding, excretion and sleep. Crying is a baby’s only means of saying, “I’m tired”, “I’m hungry”, or “I’m overstimulated”.

A baby moves easily into fear of threat and shock… too bright, too harsh, too cold, too hot, too sudden. The amygdala in the lower brain, which functions as a detector for potential threat, is perfectly online at birth… How can she know that the noisy liquidiser is not a predator that will come and attack her? How can she cope with the shock of being undressed and immersed in water when you lower her into a bath? (Sunderland 37)

When a baby cries, he is not trying to exercise his lungs or control his parent. He cries because he is communicating a need whether emotional or physical. A baby’s emotional need is no less important than a physical need. When a baby has an emotional need that is unfulfilled, the pain he feels can be as strong as a physical hurt.

When a baby cries to be picked up, she is not being “needy” or “clingy”. “The separation distress system, located in the lower brain, is genetically programmed to be hypersensitive [because] in earlier stages of evolution, it was very dangerous for an infant to be away from her mother… if she didn’t cry to alert her [mother] her whereabouts, she would not survive” (Sunderland 50). With age, the development of the rational brain helps to keep the separation distress system in check.

Babies can’t be spoiled and they don’t know how to manipulate. It’s a fact. The difficulty then is identifying the moment when their awareness kicks in and they start to realise that certain actions produce specific results.

Sunderland, Margot. The Science of Parenting. London: Dorling Kindersley, 2006.

Karp, Harvey. The Happiest Baby on the Block. New York: Bantam Dell, 2002.

Popularity: 11% [?]