Now that Gavin has been picking up new words on a daily basis, it is getting even easier to understand what he wants. He has developed words to express what he needs. For instance, he’ll say “bite” when he’s got an itch and he wants us to do something about it - like apply a cream to help soothe the itch.

Despite the increased vocabulary, there are times when it’s difficult to decipher what he wants because his pronunciation requires refining. When he’s echoing a word we’ve used, it’s fairly easy to understand what he means, but when he uses the unidentifiable sound at random, it can be quite a task figuring out the meaning.

For instance, he cannot pronounce “Thomas” so he says something that sounds like “dunno”. I suspected that “dunno” was in reference to “Thomas” because he would sign “train” when I didn’t produce what he wanted – his Thomas toy. It only became clear that “dunno” was “Thomas” when I was teaching him the concept of “big” and “small”. I pointed to his big Thomas toy and said “big Thomas,” then I pointed to the small Thomas toy and said “small Thomas.” When Gavin repeated after me, he said “big dunno” and “small dunno”.

Even with the confusion when the words don’t sound recognisable, the signs and words that Gavin has learned has made it a lot easier for us to understand what he wants. I feel certain that there is some correlation between this and the reduction in tantrums that I have noticed in recent times.

Of course there are still times when his emotions get the better of him and he gets upset before he’s even told me what he wanted. During such times, I realise the truth to what Margot Sunderland writes in The Science of Parenting about how children in distress tantrums lose their words and their ability to communicate. During such times, no matter how I ask him what he wants, he can only cry in frustration.

I find there are two ways to handle this situation that seem to work best.

1. Give Him Words

First I try to guess what he wants and offer him words to express himself. I find the technique that Harvey Karp recommends in Happiest Toddler on the Block works best – short sentences containing only a few words repeated over and over again until he can register what I’m saying through the storm of his tears. Because he is in distress, his ability to comprehend what I’m saying decreases dramatically.

One afternoon, when he woke up from his nap, I brought him downstairs like I normally did. On this occasion I was carrying him because he wanted to be carried. When I put him down onto the floor so he could play with his toys, he immediately dissolved into howls of frustration.

Surprised, I picked him back up and asked him what he wanted. For a while, all he could do was cry so I kept repeating, “Tell me what you want.” Finally, the crying subsided somewhat and he pointed in a vague direction. When he’s distressed, even his sense of direction is skewed because he would point to the kitchen when he meant to point to the front door.

I said repeatedly, “Go to the kitchen?” No answer so I started walking to the kitchen. The crying started again, so I quickly walked back and said, “No kitchen! No kitchen!”

When I finally figured out he was pointing to the front door, I said, “Gavin want to go out? Gavin go outside?”

When he nodded, I said, “Okay, we go outside.”

Once he knew he was going out, he gradually calmed down again and that was when I told him, “Gavin when you want something, tell me – use your words. If you want to go out to the garden, you say, ‘Mummy walk walk!’”

Yesterday, he wanted to go out to the garden and I heard him say, “Ah Mi, walk walk!”

I find that giving him words to express things he might want or need is very useful. Although I have to remind him a few times, he learns pretty quickly to tell me or any other member of the family.

Recently, I’ve been attempting to potty train him, so whenever I put on his training pants, I tell him that if he wants to go to the toilet, he should tell me, “Mummy wee wee” or “Mummy mm mm.” We had a hit and a couple of misses, but usually I had to ask him and check whether his pants were wet.

Yesterday, I was upstairs talking on the phone while Gavin was playing downstairs with my SIL2 and the maid. Apparently, he went to the maid and said, “Kakak mm mm.” Then he squatted down and grabbed his diaper. Although he had already pooped in his diaper by the time my SIL2 and the maid attempted to remove his diaper, I thought it was a giant leap forward in terms of his communication.

2. Hold Him

When I can’t figure out what Gavin wants during a distress tantrum, I usually just hold him and let the storm ride its course.

I’ve been trying to tune into his tantrums to distinguish between the distress tantrums from the Little Nero tantrums and I think I’m getting better at picking them. I still find he launches into distress tantrums more than the Little Nero ones at this age.

Reducing Confrontations

After reading so much about attachment parenting (also known as responsive parenting), I’ve been trying to put to practice more of the concepts in my interactions with Gavin.

One of the practices of attachment parenting is to know your child and his hot buttons so that you can minimise the number of occasions that you have to press them – especially when it is completely unnecessary.

There are times when it is completely unavoidable, such as when you have to tell him not to touch the power point for his own safety, but there are plenty of times when you can head off a tantrum before it begins.

For example, bath time is one of my biggest problems with Gavin – especially when it comes to getting him out. When I’m in a rush, I’ll usually skip the bath (if I don’t think he’s that dirty) or give him a wipe down with a wet cloth if I think he really needs it, so I don’t have to cramp his style by demanding that he get out of the bath before he’s ready.

That means that when he does have a bath, I have the time to wait until he’s ready to get out if I can’t convince him to come out through other means. And while I wait, I can do all those things I normally have to rush through, like floss my teeth, moisturise and any of those beauty routines I never have time for otherwise. That way I can also keep an eye on him to make sure he’s okay in the bath.

Know Your Child

Practicing responsive parenting has taught me a lot more about being able to understand Gavin. They say that some parents just instinctively know what their child wants or needs and I used to think that I was totally useless. Now I realise that a lot of that instinct has to do with knowing your child and how he ticks.

Sometime back, my MIL, Gavin and I went to the Parenthood Magazine publishing office to pick up his prize from winning one of the baby contests I entered him into. When we got home, my MIL announced, “Okay, we’re home!” Immediately, Gavin dissolved into tears of frustration.

Alarmed, my MIL exclaimed, “What’s wrong now?”

Instinctively (never thought I would be using this word about my son since I’ve always believed I had zero instincts when it came to understanding children), I knew that Gavin was upset because he thought he was going out to a shopping mall to walk, instead what he got was a quick trip to an office where all we did was pick up a parcel and come back home.

I told my MIL what I thought and she said, “Okay, okay, we go kai kai.”

We took Gavin for a brief shopping excursion to The Alpha Angle and after that he was quite content to come home.

These aren’t exactly an exhaustive list of managing toddlers with tantrums but I found they have significantly reduced the tantrums I have been experiencing with Gavin.

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When the hubby first suggested we move in with his parents, I admit I had great reservations.  Firstly, let’s set the record straight - I would have had great reservations moving back in with MY parents had it been my parents in question.

Knowing how capable my MIL is and how determined I was to raise Gavin my way, I was sure I was going to end up bumbling along and feel like a complete idiot in my MIL’s eyes.  Then again, after reading Harvey Karp’s recommendation that more parents break away from the nuclear family style of living and expose their children to the extended family on a regular basis, I thought perhaps moving in with my in laws would not be such a bad thing (especially since my parents are living on another continent). 

There was a reason for Karp’s recommendation, but I won’t go into it in detail in this post.  The gist of it was that nuclear family-living tended to be quite tough on the parents who didn’t have a chance to take a break from parenting.  While extended family living meant that more people should share the responsibility of looking after the children, giving Mum and Dad a chance to take a break and get a little “me” time.

To be fair, it hasn’t been as bad as I had envisaged.  For instance, it is always nice to be able to “drop the kids off at the pool” (read: take a dump, do the no. 2, defecate) in peace without your toddler grabbing onto your knees and wailing because you can’t carry him while you’re on the toilet.  The times when I’ve had to do the latter put a significant amount of strain and pressure on a sphincter that has already been traumatised quite extensively during the episode of childbirth.

Then of course, there are the times when my MIL helps to mind Gavin when I’m having breakfast or when I’m sick and need to rest, or even lately, when I need an hour off to exercise.  These are the times when I’m really grateful to have someone trustworthy to watch over Gavin so that I have peace of mind when I have other things to do.

That said, there are also times when it has been quite trying.  For instance, when Gavin shows a distinct lack of interest in food, it is a cause for alarm for his grandparents.  Let’s face it - in any Chinese family, there’s no such thing as not being interested in eating.  To a Chinese family, food is love, so I guess you could say that a rejection of food is like a rejection of love. 

At other times, there is the unwitting attempts to help which have made things more difficult.  For instance, recently, I was trying to take Gavin to Kizsports so he could have another play at Playland.  At the same time, my MIL was leaving the house to go to the factory.  Because my car was behind hers, she had to wait for me to leave before she could go out. 

Patience isn’t exactly a virtue of my MIL’s so when Gavin decided he was going to be difficult about getting into the carseat, she decided to “help” by suggesting he sit in her car while we reverse the cars.

In case you haven’t spotted the problem with that, let me paint a clearer picture to illustrate:

Gavin sits in grandma’s car without having to sit in a carseat or wear a seatbelt (albeit for the whole of a minute or however long it takes to reverse the cars), and then he has to get back into Mummy’s car where he has to sit in that nasty carseat and put on that restraining belt. 

Now here’s my question:

How likely is it that he is going to cooperate and sit in Mummy’s car?

Yep, you guessed it - not likely at all.

Suffice to say we didn’t go out that day.

Then there was the time (which was honestly not my MIL’s fault as she was really trying to be helpful) when she put Gavin into the car and buckled him in without telling me.  There I was lounging over the newspapers and enjoying my cup of Milo thinking my MIL had taken Gavin for a walk in the garden.

Okay, let me explain again.  When Gavin gets into the carseat, there is a timer that goes off and starts counting down.  If you don’t get into the car and start driving before the timer runs out, Gavin will start going ballistic.  When I realised that Gavin was in the carseat, I had to rush like mad to get going.  It didn’t help that there were two cars behind me that needed to be moved before we could get out. 

In my haste to get out, I also rolled over the chickens’ house because the maid (for reasons unknown to any of us) decided to leave it behind the wheel of my car.  You can imagine my alarm and shock when I ran out of the car to see the box smashed to smithereens and no chickens in sight!  Thankfully the chickens weren’t in the box but that was one very eventful morning!

Living with the extended family obviously has its pros and cons.  While it does have its benefits, I do know it isn’t for everyone.  If do you decide to try it, here is my advice:

Expect to get lots of advice on how things should be done.  Listen with a selective ear and put to practice the advice that makes sense to you.  As for the rest, you can conveniently “forget” about them.  Occasionally, try to humour the grandparents with things that won’t compromise your parenting philosophies.

Disclaimer: I do realise that living with the extended family is different for everyone.  For some it certainly isn’t as easy as I’ve made it sound.  While for others, it can be a breeze.  So take this advice on a case by case basis.

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I first attempted to use Toddlerese on Gavin when he was about 9 months old.  Although the book, The Happiest Toddler on the BLock, is intended to be used on children from age 1-4, I was told that it can be used from 9 months onwards.  I even bought the DVD just so I could watch Harvey Karp, the master, in action to get the technique right.  My attempts to use Toddlerese produced somewhat mediocre results so I gave up on the technique until recently.

I’m not even sure why I started using it again.  It was just one of those flashes of inspiration that come when you least expect it.  Gavin was in the shower, and as usual, he was refusing to come out.  I knew that if I snatched him up and took him out of the shower, he would immediately arche his back and scream the house down. 

Ordinarily, I would have waited until he was ready to come out of the shower, or I would have forcibly dragged him out against his will when I didn’t have the time to be patient.  On that day, when I told him it was time to come out, he immediately threw his head back and started to protest even before I had attempted to pick him up.

I said, “Gavin want to play water?  Play water?  Play water?”  I accompanied my words with the sign for “play” and “water”. 

Gavin stopped protesting and looked at me in surprise.  There was an almost imperceptible nod as he agreed with what I was saying. 

I continued, “You want to play water.  You say, ‘play water, play water, play water.’  Mummy says, ‘later, okay? We have to go out now.’  Does Gavin want to go kai kai?  Does Gavin want to go kai kai?” (”kai kai” translates to “shopping”)

Gavin nodded.  Then I picked him up and took him out of the shower without further ado.

I have since used Toddlerese on other occasions with pretty pleasing results.  I think the major difference between using Toddlerese now and some months back is that Gavin understands what I am saying to him now.  In the earlier months, there was probably still some confusion as to what I was saying and he probably wasn’t sure if I understood what he wanted to do.

Toddlerese is supposed to help your toddler understand that you know what he wants to do and you acknowledge that he wants to do it.  Once he realises that you understand him and where he’s coming from, he is more willing to listen to what you want him to do.

Here are three tricks I’ve learned on how to get Toddlerese working for me:

• There are two parts to Toddlerese: the first is to make sure your toddler knows you know what he wants to do.  The second is to tell him what you want him to do, distract him, or change course through whatever means possible.  I never launch into the second step until he’s completely quiet and listening to me.  If he begins to protest again, I revert back to the first step - repeating what I think he wants to do, using words I think he would say if he knew how.
• When I tell him what I want him to do, I always make sure there is something in it for him that he likes.  For instance, I want him to get out of the shower, but I also know he likes to go shopping, so I tell him, “let’s get out of the shower so we can go shopping,” or, “let’s go upstairs to bathe then watch Baby Signing Time.”
• When I can remember, I’ll use Toddlerese even before he protests - especially when I am about to do something I know he won’t like, like taking him out of the bath, or sending him to sleep.

There are still a couple of situations for which I have yet to perfect my use of Toddlerese:

• Getting Gavin to sit in the car seat when he’s already in a crabby mood.
• Getting Gavin to go to sleep when he’s already lost it.

I’ll let you know when I get that part of the formula right.  For now, I’m just glad that Toddlerese has managed to help me stave off some of Gavin’s impending tantrums.

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Okay, so the “Know-it-all” Mummy confesses that she doesn’t “know it all”.  Since Saturday past, Gavin’s crankiness has went up a whole new level I never thought possible.  He now wakes up from naps crying - in fact, he cries a lot more lately and it’s not the normal kind of crying but the hysterical type that seems inconsolable.  Sometimes even offering the magic breast doesn’t help at all.  He just shakes his head and screams more angrily as if to say I don’t understand him - which is exactly how I feel at those times.

I did an online search for possible causes of fussiness in 14 month old babies and only came up with a few other Mums complaining of the same problem - fussy baby, cries a lot, won’t eat, always wants what you are holding, always wants you to play with him - in other words, very difficult.  Although I didn’t find the solution to my problem, at least I know I’m not alone, but just to be sure, I checked in with my three best Mummy pals to reconfirm that I’m still a good Mummy and I haven’t done anything wrong.

Well it would seem my health science training is still quite ingrained in me because I started making a list of possible causes for Gavin’s crankiness - my differential diagnosis - and started working through the list on a process of elimination.  So here are the possible causes for Gavin’s recent crankiness:

• dietary - too much MSG and sugar
• environmental - too much excitement and play
• teething - Gav’s upper left central incisor is taking forever to break through
• sleep - shifting from two naps to one
• constipation - he went three days without pooping (quite a long time since he’s now on solids)
• milestones - he just started walking unaided
• developmental - the Terrible Twos

There’s also a possibility that it is just a combination of all of these factors.  For instance, he had nightmares on Saturday night when he went out for a birthday party and ate food with a lot of MSG.  On Monday night, hubby and I took him shopping at KLCC where he had New Zealand ice cream’s Chocolate Ecstasy and my Starbucks hot chocolate.  Needless to say he slept poorly that night.  On Tuesday, he went swimming in the morning so I foolishly tried to shift him to a single afternoon nap for my convenience.  Instead of sleeping two to three hours like I expected when I put him down for a single nap, he woke up after an hour and refused to go back to sleep. 

He cried after waking up from his afternoon naps which could be due to his teething because he would shove a finger into his mouth and rub his gums while howling.  I did attempt to resolve the problem with some Bonjela only to stir up a whole new burst of crying because Gavin couldn’t stand the taste of Bonjela.  Frankly, I’m not sure I’m all that keen on it either since it has a rather distinct aniseed flavour.  I don’t know if I imagined it but Gavin did seem to calm down a little after getting over the horrid taste of Bonjela so perhaps he was starting to feel some relief in his gums?

Then yesterday, Gavin started walking unaided.  I’ve read that when babies hit a particularly big milestone, there can be a tendency for increased fussiness, so that seems to coincide.  Then again, it could also be the stomach discomfort he was experiencing from not having pooped for three days in a row.  After pooping yesterday afternoon, Gavin napped for 45 minutes in the evening and it was the first time in days that he actually woke up without bursting immediately into tears.

Last but not least, it could just be as my friend PL said - that Gavin is going through a phase.  When you’ve tried everything and nothing seems to resolve the problem, put it down to the Terrible Twos, which, according to Dr Greene, even ideal parents would have to experience no matter how well they raised their toddler.  Basically, the Terrible Twos is a phase every toddler goes through where they are starting to discover their autonomy and in order to exert this new found self, they have to oppose what their parents say.  It is a part of discovering their own identity. 

The Terrible Twos is marked by a strong tendency to oppose everything Mummy and Daddy says, no matter how reasonable the request might be.  For instance, “don’t touch the plug points” is met with a howl of frustration, “don’t play with the drawers” is met with an angry barrage of throwing objects from the drawer, and my all-time worst - “it’s time to sleep” is met with an arched back and a scream of fury like you’ve never heard.  Naturally, this is a very trying time for a parent, trying to be understanding of your child’s apparent disregard of your commands.

If it is a difficult time for a parent, it is an equally troubling time for a toddler.  Having just come from babyhood where your toddler’s every desire was to please Mummy and Daddy, being at odds with their most favourite people in the world can be emotionally tumultuous.  Their desire to be approved by Mummy and Daddy is at war with their need for autonomy.  Dr Greene’s depiction of the Terrible Twos as being the first adolescence is indeed an apt description of this phase.

So if you understand the turmoil your child is experiencing, suddenly the unexplained crying, poor sleeping habits and fussiness is starting to make sense again.  If you were at odds with a loved one, wouldn’t you feel upset, too?

Well, understanding the cause of the crying doesn’t make it any easier to deal with at 5am in the morning.  Having spent the large part of the previous night pacifying Gavin who refused to be calmed down by anything, I wasn’t ready to be deal with more crying at 5am.  I wanted to hide under the covers and pretend it didn’t exist - as rotten a Mum as that made me feel.  It certainly made me understand how “shaken baby syndrome” occurs, not that it makes it any more acceptable nor do I think I would ever resort to such extreme measures to silence a baby’s cry.  At any rate, it also reinforced the importance of taking a break from your toddler especially if you’re a SAHM.

So this post is designed to reinforce two points:

• No matter what anyone says about their well-behaved baby who slept well through the night and hardly ever cried, your difficult, snappy, cranky, crying baby is not a result of bad parenting.  Take an example of a parent I know whose first daughter was really “good”, while her second daughter gave her a real run for her money.  Every toddler is different, and naturally so because every toddler is a little person with his or her own personality.
• Don’t feel bad if your child’s crying is making you angry - this just shows you’re human - as long as you recognise your limits and make sure you take yourself out of the picture before you snap.  Don’t be afraid ask a friend or a family member to mind your toddler for a couple of hours so you can have some R&R or “me” time.  Dads, recognise that Mums, even Super Mums, need a break from time to time so she can regain some sanity.

So how when does the Terrible Twos begin and how long do we have to endure it?  Well, contrary to popular belief that the Terrible Twos begins when a toddler turns two years of age, it can begin at any time after the first birthday (and sometimes even before).  The average age that the Terrible Twos begin is around 18 months, and it can last until 3 years of age.  Unfortunately for me, I already started noticing the early beginnings of the Terrible Twos in Gavin since he turned 1, although his moods and emotions are steadily getting worse.  I almost dread to think what they will be like at their peak.

What can you do to ease the Terrible Twos?  Well, I read a little book by Harvey Karp called “The Happiest Toddler on the Block”.  I’ve applied his suggestions with mixed results.  I don’t know if I’m imagining it, but I do feel Gavin is making more progress the more I used it.  I’m hoping that as he gets older and understands more, the tactics in the book will have even more effect on him.

Below: at times when Gavin seems rather trying, it’s good to have adorable photos of him playing side by side with his god sister.

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“Wonder week or wonder month?”

That’s a question the hubby keeps asking me whenever I put down Gavin’s excessive clinginess and crankiness as a result of him going through that final wonder week of the first year.  It’s coming to nearly a month since I wrote about Gavin entering his final wonder week and we’re all wondering when it’ll be over.  Still exceedingly clingy, and cranky for unknown reasons, this never ending wonder week is really wearing me out.  Between having to carry Gavin most of the time while we shop and having to pace up and down our room while trying to get him to sleep, I’m starting to develop injuries in my elbow and foot!

Recently, he started refusing to sit in the carseat, making going out alone with him quite a challenge.  Given that my SIL will be leaving for Australia tomorrow morning, I was starting to get a little desperate.  Without her to drive while I pacified Gavin in the backseat, our little excursions are as good as finished unless I can re-train him to sit in his carseat again.

A huge benefit of being the primary caregiver for Gavin is that I can make some educated guesses about how to make it easier to manage his difficult periods since we are so often in each other’s company.  Observing Gavin closely over the last couple of weeks, has alerted me to the fact that he can no longer get through the morning without a nap roughly about two hours after he wakes up.  Skip that nap and he’s likely to be more irritable and extremely difficult to manage.  I used to be able to bypass this nap as long as I made things entertaining for him.  Now, whenever we head out before his morning nap, he’s usually excessively fussy by the time we’re headed for home.  Unless, I rock him to sleep before putting him in the car, I can pretty much guarantee that he’ll be howling before we get home. 

All the little tricks that used to work with him no longer seem to have any effect when he’s had enough.  Now that he’s older with more of a personality, he’s also a lot more determined and focussed on things we could previously distract him from.  Attempting to use distraction when he’s not ready to be distracted only serves to infuriate him even more.  There have been times when he’s thrown toys and food in a steadfast refusal to be pacified.

It used to be that only when it was late at night and he was very tired that he would scream whenever someone took him away from me.  Now, he’ll scream whenever he’s taken from me and he’s feeling particularly clingy to Mummy.  The hubby used to employ a trick of “snatch and distract” where he would grab Gavin from my arms and distract him with some new shopping sights so that I could have a break from carrying him.  Recently, that tactic has been met with a lot more resistence and intense crying.  Sometimes he cries so hard, he throws up - which makes me reluctant to let him to cry, even though he is in the arms of someone who loves him.

Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder if there could be another cause to his unexplained crankiness - like the fact that he finally cut his upper central incisors this morning.  Then I think of all the new big developments he’s made in the recent couple of weeks, like walking all the way down the stairs holding on to the banister, kissing and waving on demand, dancing to music on TV, pointing to “Ah Mah”, “Ah Kong” and “Papa” when we ask where they are, sticking two duplo pieces together instead of throwing them…  These are pretty big developments that seem to coincide nicely with the Wonder Weeks theory.

I’ve also started using the tips from Happiest Toddler on the Block, especially after watching them on the DVD I bought.  As recommended by Harvey Karp, I would use “toddlerese” and the “fast food rule” to show Gavin I understood what he wanted, and then I would redirect his attention to what I wanted him to do. 

The ”fast food rule” just means repeating to Gavin what you think he wants in an emphatic tone of voice and an expression that mirrors his feelings.  So the more upset he is, the more emphatic you need to be.  Since his language is limited, more so when he’s upset, it means you need to use short sentences consisting of only a few words and you have to keep repeating them so that the words get through to him.

When I first started doing this, my results were somewhat mediocre.  Sometimes Gavin seemed to get more upset.  Then I noticed that if I attempted this tactic when I could see a tantrum on the verge of blowing, I could usually head it off before he blew up.  I suspect that my “mirroring” of his emotions weren’t quite emphatic enough when he was already upset (since I reckon I’m a pretty laid back and sedate person most of the time), but that it was sufficient for the times when I knew he didn’t like what was coming. 

At times, I even gave up using toddlerese altogether when he flew into a tantrum.  For instance, when I was changing his diaper, I would just plough on and get the task done as quickly as possible then pick him up.  Recently, I started using toddlerese on and off and it seems like he’s starting to understand what I’m doing.  Perhaps there’s hope for the toddlerese technique to help quell his tantrums after all…

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In the recent weeks, I have noticed an trend of increasing tantrums from Gavin.  Just past the nine month mark, he now screams and howls when I lie him down to change his diaper, when I try to towel-dry him after a bath, when I try to put him into his car seat, when I try to put him into his high chair, and the list goes on.  Attempts to distract him with toys are met with a vicious temper as he flings aside the objects in a rage of increased fury.  Clearly, he is still a chunk off Daddy’s block…

Jokes aside, I’m finding Gavin to be at a difficult age to manage.  Too old to be easily distracted and pacified and too young to comprehend much, I confess I am at a loss as to how I should handle him.  Although Toddlerese is intended for infants between the ages of 1 and 4, I decided to start trying it out on Gavin.  Heck, I was desperate.  At the very least, even if it doesn’t really work now, it is definitely good practice for me when Gavin comes of age. 

The first time I tried it, I felt rather silly and awkward.  I didn’t even sound convincing to myself, let alone my intended recipient - my son.  I’m sure the maid and my MIL were looking at me as if I were off my rockers.  Toddlerese didn’t have quite the effect I was hoping for but it did calm Gavin down somewhat.  It works best in situations where I’m trying to get him over something he really wants - for instance, getting him out of the shower.  Initially, he gets even more upset, but after half a minute or so, he quietens and allows me to redirect his attention to a hairbrush, his diaper cream or some other fascinating toiletry.

I’ll usually say something like, “More, more, more!  More water, says Gavin.”  I’ll repeat these words as emphatically as I can until he gets my message.  Then I’ll slip him a brush and say, “Look, it’s Mummy’s hairbrush!”

It doesn’t really work so well with his highchair or his car seat because after he calms down, it doesn’t take long before he realises he’s still in the chair and he doesn’t like it one little bit.  Occasionally, he’ll humour me and allow me to distract him with objects like a spoon, his teething ring, or the lid of his sippy cup.  At other times, we end up resorting to other measures like feeding him while he plays with his Fisher Price “Peekaboo Elmo” toy. 

Yep, as you can see, I’ve dispensed with the advice to avoid using toys as a distraction during meal times.  My theory is that Gavin is going through a phase where he’s just learning to be mobile and all he wants to do is practice crawling and pulling up.  When I lock him up in his highchair or car seat, I’m cramping my little explorer’s sense of adventure and he doesn’t like it.  I figure that once he’s over the novelty of crawling, pulling up and walking, he’ll be more content to sit again - at least this is what happened with my cousin’s daughter.  Any other Mums with older children want to agree to debunk this theory?

Below: Gavin back in the days when he was more compliant about sitting in his car seat…

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When my friend C recommended we buy the book “Happiest Baby on the Block”, the hubby decided to get the “Happiest Toddler on the Block” as well.  Although Gavin is not quite into toddlerhood yet, I did some reading earlier when he was less active and less mobile anticipating that I would not have as much time to read the book as Gavin got older.

Below is the gist of what Harvey Karp shares - I hope I’m explaining the theory correctly because my Mummy brain still isn’t recalling things as well as it used to.  I do recommend getting the book to get the words straight from the horse’s mouth, though.

When a toddler throws a tantrum, the best way to handle him is to use a language called “Toddlerese”.  Toddlerese helps you emphatise with your child who is too immature to control his emotions and it helps your child understand you when his mind has regressed. 

What is Toddlerese?  I don’t really know how to describe it except through the use of an example I remember reading in the book.  Harvey Karp describes a scene where a toddler is in his patient waiting room with his mother.  He doesn’t want to be there and wants to leave the clinic.  Understanding his agitation, the boy’s mother says, “Out! Out! Out! Tommy wants to go out! Out! Out!” At the same time, she bangs the door with her fists to emphasise that she really understands his frustration.  “But we have to see the doctor.  Come lets go play with some toys.”  And she leads him over to the toy corner.

The key to Toddlerese is to empathise and then distract.  At this age, distraction alone doesn’t usually work.  If the mother had tried to distract the child by taking him straight to the toy corner, he would have felt his mother didn’t understand him.  He wanted to go out, not play in the toy corner.  By empathising, she is expressing that she understands what he wants.  The reason for the simplicity of the words is because a toddler in an emotional state regresses in his ability to understand when an adult is talking to him (this also agrees with what I read in The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland).  The level of emotion expressed by the mother needs to be on par with the child’s emotion to show she really understands.

By using Toddlerese, Harvey Karp believes that parents can get through even the “terrible twos” without too much trouble.

My own experience with Toddlerese is limited but promising.  The two times I have tried using Toddlerese on toddlers I know personally, it seemed to work.  The hubby also tried it once and he also found it worked for him.  It will be interesting to see if it works for us when Gavin hits toddlerhood.

Below: if this look is anything like a suggestion of what is to come, we might be needing to use quite a bit of Toddlerese…

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I’m sure many parents have been told at one time or another that continually picking up their crying babies would “spoil” them. It has also been said that babies manipulate parents through crying.

Studies have now shown that this is neurobiologically incorrect. The human brain consists of three parts - two of which are the from our evolutionary origins: the reptilian brain (brain stem and cerebellum), the mammalian brain (limbic system), and the rational brain (cortex and frontal lobes).

The reptilian brain is responsible for essential bodily functions that help sustain life, including hunger, digestion, elimination, breathing, circulation, temperature, movement, posture, balance, territorial instincts, and the fight or flight response.

The mammalian brain is responsible for emotions such as fear, rage, separation distress, caring and nurturing, social bonding, playfulness, explorative urge, and lust in adults.

The rational brain provides higher brain functions responsible for creativity, imagination, problem-solving, reasoning, reflection, self-awareness, kindness, empathy and concern.

When a baby is born, much of the rational brain is undeveloped. They are ruled largely by their reptilian and mammalian brains in the first few years of life. “In order to control an adult, a baby needs the power of clear thought, and for that he needs the brain chemical glutamate to be working well in his frontal lobes [within the rational brain]. But the glutamate system is not properly established in a baby’s brain, so that means he is not capable of thinking much about anything, let alone how to manipulate his parents” (Sunderland 39).

When humans first evolved and began to walk on two legs, our pelvis became narrower. As we got smarter, our brains also increased in size. A narrower pelvis and an bigger head meant that babies had to be evicted from the womb “about three months before they are fully mature” or they would not be able to get through the birth canal safely (Karp 65). As such, babies behave like an external foetus at birth and require a fourth trimester outside the womb.

A baby is born with a very limited repertoire of actions - the ability to cry to communicate his needs, the root reflex for feeding, excretion and sleep. Crying is a baby’s only means of saying, “I’m tired”, “I’m hungry”, or “I’m overstimulated”.

A baby moves easily into fear of threat and shock… too bright, too harsh, too cold, too hot, too sudden. The amygdala in the lower brain, which functions as a detector for potential threat, is perfectly online at birth… How can she know that the noisy liquidiser is not a predator that will come and attack her? How can she cope with the shock of being undressed and immersed in water when you lower her into a bath? (Sunderland 37)

When a baby cries, he is not trying to exercise his lungs or control his parent. He cries because he is communicating a need whether emotional or physical. A baby’s emotional need is no less important than a physical need. When a baby has an emotional need that is unfulfilled, the pain he feels can be as strong as a physical hurt.

When a baby cries to be picked up, she is not being “needy” or “clingy”. “The separation distress system, located in the lower brain, is genetically programmed to be hypersensitive [because] in earlier stages of evolution, it was very dangerous for an infant to be away from her mother… if she didn’t cry to alert her [mother] her whereabouts, she would not survive” (Sunderland 50). With age, the development of the rational brain helps to keep the separation distress system in check.

Babies can’t be spoiled and they don’t know how to manipulate. It’s a fact. The difficulty then is identifying the moment when their awareness kicks in and they start to realise that certain actions produce specific results.

Sunderland, Margot. The Science of Parenting. London: Dorling Kindersley, 2006.

Karp, Harvey. The Happiest Baby on the Block. New York: Bantam Dell, 2002.

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Two nights ago, hubby and I experienced Gavin’s first colic episode. Up until this stage, we have been quite blessed with a relatively good natured baby. We were driving home from dinner at Great Eastern mall when Gavin went ballistic in the car.

It took us both by surprise because as we were saying our farewells to my in laws, Gavin had been all smiles for everyone. Five minutes later he was howling and red faced with tears streaming down his cheeks. I thought he might have been hungry (even though it was barely an hour and half since his last feed) so he hubby pulled up by the side of the road and I tried to get Gavin on the boob without success. He kept crying and refused to suck.

I got out and tried walking him around the car. He quietened a little but the moment I got back into the car, he started his hysterics with renewed vigour. I was quite distressed because we were a long way from home, parked in some unknown neighbourhood with a colicky baby I couldn’t calm down.

What saved my life was a book called, “The Happiest Baby on the Block,” written by paediatrician Dr Harvey Karp. The book came highly recommended from Mephala. I applied Harvey’s five S’s and Gavin calmed down enough to feed. By the time we got home, he was fast asleep.

Dr Karp’s theory on colic is a little different to most of the usual theories. He believes that colic is due to the missing “fourth trimester”. Most animals are born able to walk and run on the first day of life. A baby, on the other hand, can only cry, feed, wee and poop.

Human babies are evicted from the womb one trimester too early because we we evolved into sentient beings, our brains grew bigger. As a result, in order to ensure that the baby’s head would fit through the birth canal, baby had to be evicted from the womb one trimester early. Therefore colic is due to babies being born unprepared to face the world. Colic is their response to the stress of being pushed out too early and not having adequate coping mechanisms.

In brief, Dr Karp’s five S’s are designed to help baby return to a womb-like environment whenever they get colicky. The womb-like environment calms them down because it represents the security they still long for because they were cheated out of having their fourth trimester in the womb.

These are the five S’s:

1. Swaddling
2. Side/tummy - laying baby on the side or tummy
3. Sshing
4. Swinging
5. Sucking

Now these sound like the usual sort of advice we all hear all the time and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. What Dr Karp explains in his book is that by applying the five S’s via a specific formula, even the most colicky baby can be calmed down in minutes. Just how good you have to be at the five S’s depends on how colicky your baby gets. Some can get away with applying only one or two of the five S’s while others require all five S’s to be performed precisely before they hit the magic “off” button.

Two nights ago, I followed this advice and Gavin return from hysteria to serenity. Every time when Gavin fusses, I find that applying a couple of the S’s helps to settle him down. I’m a great believer in this book and now I highly recommend it to any parent looking for a solution for their colicky baby or just couple of reliable tricks they can apply when baby gets upset.

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