I want two children - a boy and a girl.  I’ve always wanted two children (except maybe for that period of rebelliousness where I shirked all responsbilities and decided that maybe settling down and having a family really wasn’t for me).  When I finally refocussed on the whole family planning part of my life, I decided I was going to have my two children as close in age as possible so they could grow up together.

Well, it sounded great in theory but I guess I wasn’t expecting Gavin to turn out the way he is - which is not to say that it’s a bad thing, only that Gavin turned out to be more of a handful than my mind could conceive.  I guess before one becomes a mother, it is easy to paint this perfect picture in your head about how well you’re going to manage everything.  Everything always seems to run smoothly and your children are always so well-behaved, listening to and doing everything you tell them.  And then you experience the reality of it and nothing is at all like you had imagined.  That was when I decided that maybe having a second child quickly after the first wasn’t such a great idea after all.  I was barely managing one child (with help), I couldn’t imagine how I would manage two.

As all babies do, Gavin started growing bigger and entering toddlerhood, and suddenly I yearned to hold another baby in my arms again.  Looking at pictures like the one below certainly made the idea of having another baby even more appealing, too.

I found myself wrestling with the desire to have a second child and the fear of being unable to cope with two children.  Then I read inspirational stories about people like Heather and Stephanie, who not only manage with more than two children, but have children with special needs.  Suddenly my fears about not being able to cope with two children seemed sadly pathetic.

I remember when I was pregnant with Gavin, I used to look at the little ball of energy that was the hubby’s god daughter and wonder how I would ever be able to keep up with one of my own when there I was feeling relieved when her mother would return to take back the reigns of watching over her.  I knew that if she had been my daughter, I would not have had the luxury of panning her back to her parents after I found myself fatigued from minding her.  And yet, here I am with one of my own, minding him for most of the day, seven days a week.

I guess when circumstances require it, we find ways to manage.  It’s one of the most remarkable human qualities - the ability to adapt.

Below: Gavin with his godsister

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On Sunday, my MIL showed me an article in the papers regarding a link between overweight men and their ability to have children. So she said that if I was having trouble getting pregnant, it’s clearly not my fault.  What a supportive MIL I have.

In short, the article stated that overweight men are more likely to have difficulties having children.  Although I didn’t really read the article thoroughly, I decided to read more about it and googled the subject online.  What I found wasn’t so conclusive.  Although overweight and obese men do tend to have lower sperm count and hormonal changes, this is merely suggestive that they are more likely to be infertile, but because the parameters of the studies did not cover all angles of fertility, an established link could not be concluded.

Oops!  I think my MIL was looking for a way to tell hubby it’s time to lose weight.

Read more about it on:

• Medical News Today
• Mayo Clinic

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The problem with having only one child around is that it is very difficult to show him how to do certain things. Since most children learn through observation, teaching Gavin how to ride his tricycle has been somewhat of a challenge for us.

When he turned one, he was given a “ride-on” car and a tricycle for presents. Since he hadn’t quite grasped the concept of moving on the “ride-on” car and his feet weren’t long enough for him to ride the tricycle, we would seat him on the vehicles and push him along from behind. The problem was that Gavin would observe us pushing him and would then want to get off the vehicles and push it from behind.

Although we have managed to teach him the concept of using the vehicles, since everyone else in the house is too big to physically use the toys (even our maid who weighs a meagre 43kg struggled to pedal the tricycle because her legs were too long), Gavin still insists on pushing them from behind.

I feel pretty certain that if Gavin could observe another child riding the vehicles, I’m sure he would start using them properly, too.

Although having a second child won’t exactly resolve this problem (a better solution would be to invite his older god sisters over to play), having a second child could potentially be good for other reasons. My friend who now has two children has discovered that her elder daughter now wants to sit in the pram her son sits (even though the pram is the older one), etc. Gavin, who has balked at being carried in the baby sling and sitting in car seats, prams, and, recently, high chairs, might just rediscover a desire to use these things again if we had baby number two.

Having two children also provides more “teachable moments”, such as encouraging your children to share, take turns, cooperate with each other, etc. Of course, it also presents a more challenging environment to navigate in the home, too, but I’m sure the experience will be character building for the parents as well.

The down side of having two children is divided attention since parents now have to split their attention and affections over two children as opposed to one. In some cases, a second child can result in the first child taking on the mantle of being the older child. On the flip side of the coin – if you’re unlucky – your first child may become harder to manage due to jealousy issues.

Sibling rivalry aside, going out alone when you have two mobile children also becomes a greater challenge because you now have two kids to keep track of instead of just one. With Gavin being so resistant towards the car seat in recent times, I dread to think what would happen if number two balks at being strapped down as well. I’m pretty sure that would put a stop to all solo-parent/guardian future outings until Gavin has learned to cooperate with me. By that time I think I should also start enforcing child labour and get Gavin to carry his own “go” bag.

A recent experience of having to watch both Gavin and his god-sister (albeit with the hubby’s help) at play in the children’s play area of Anakku has left me feeling somewhat doubtful about my ability to manage two toddlers in a shopping mall on my own.

I think the only thing driving me to have a second child is my second ambition to have a girl. Well, okay, I also think it’s just too lonely for Gavin to grow up on his own especially when I had the privilege of growing up with a sibling (no matter how annoying he might have been while we were growing up).

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If I thought the day would never come when Gavin would feel some affection for a soft toy, my wait has come to an end.  Although he still doesn’t care too much for the toy we bought him in hopes that he would adopt it as his lovey, he has demonstrated some affection to a few particular soft toys.

Daichi, the TY bear.

We bought him Daichi when he started taking an interest in Ah Kong’s TY bear that used to sit in his car.  Since Ah Kong’s TY bear was old and dusty, we took Gavin to Memory Lane and presented him with various TY bears for his choosing.  Daichi was a definite favourite since he hugged on to him tightly while rejecting all the other bears, giving them back to me after looking at them briefly.

I guess the lesson to be learned, for me, is that your child will choose his own favourite toy no matter how appropriate you think another toy might be…

Although Gavin shows an interest in Daichi, the bear is still a long shot from becoming a lovey.  Gavin shows affection for Daichi and will kiss and hug the bear willingly, but he does not demonstrate the undying affection of a child with his favourite toy.  The interest he has for Daichi is about the same as the interest he has for his Elmo handpuppet (who has since regain favour again after the brief spell of fear of Elmo on TV) and his Tigger soft toy that we bought from Parkson, Pavillion about a month or so back.

One of the main reasons why I have always been keen for Gavin to adopt a lovey is so that he has a transitioning object to help him cope with the loss of Mummy’s full-time attention when we have a second child.  Nevertheless, Gavin is still young and there is no baby on the way, as yet, so I guess we still have time to work on it.

While we’re on the topic of second babies, I received a newsletter from Baby Center recently stating that the scientifically recommended time to have a second baby is about 18 months after the delivery of your first child.  This is so that your body has adequate recovery time to handle the stress of a second pregnancy.   As to the emotional management of your first child in relation to having a second child, there’s a great article covering this topic from Parenting iVillage.  I didn’t read through the entire article, but the gist of it is that there is no conclusive evidence proving or disproving what an appropriate gap between your first and second child might be.  So I guess as long as you’re ready, that’s about as good as it gets.

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Okay, so this post is now one and a half months overdue but I did go back to see the doctor for my six week follow up. Everything is fine and my examination revealed that I’d healed up pretty nicely. All traces of the wound had completely disappeared and there weren’t even any scars.

The internal examination and a quick scan on the ultrasound showed that my uterus had returned to its original size and position, although the tension of my pelvic floor muscle was still a little stretched. The doc encouraged me to continue doing Kegel’s. The added incentive for me to continue practicing my Kegel’s was because I still experience a bit of leakage whenever I sneezed.

The only other signs that remained from the pregnancy were the orange peel texture of the skin over my tummy, the linea nigra line and 7 kgs of excess weight. It seems there is nothing to be done for the orange peel texture except for some abdominal exercises, like leg lifts (which I haven’t been doing). I transfered my gym membership yesterday so now that the gym is nearer perhaps it’s time I do something about it.

The linea nigra line apparently fades to a light texture but it was and still is darkly tattooed onto my tummy like a rite of passage. I wonder how long it will take to fade? I guess I won’t be wearing any bikinis anytime soon (not that I ever did to begin with). To make matters worse, it looked like the 7kgs of excess weight remains in my tummy area. Although the good news is that another six weeks has brought me down to 5kgs of excess weight.

I also had a papsmear done during the six week checkup and the test results that came back a couple of weeks later showed that everything was normal.

Dr Wong also discussed the topic of family planning with us. He advised us not to try for another baby until Gavin was one year old. Since it may take another three months before we’re successful, it puts a nice gap of two years between the kids. The reason for waiting is to give my body time to fully recover and by the time the baby comes, Gavin will be older and a little easier to manage (or so we hope, since he will be at the age of the “terrible twos”).

The doctor also confirmed that the hubby and I could start getting intimate again. Another up side of exclusively breastfeeding is that it provides a 98% effective form of contraception. When Gavin starts taking solids at 6 months, this method of contraception will only remain effective if Gavin takes at least 4 big feeds a day. The downside of breastfeeding is that the hormones makes the vagina a little dry so sex is painful unless you liberally apply some KY gel.

We also tried another lubricant called Glide, but personally I think KY is better because it lasts longer. If you’re going to use artificial lubrication, then the doctor recommends using a waterbased one.

And Scribbit is right, milk letdowns have this remarkable effect of dampening the mood…

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