There appears to be a common belief among Dads that their involvement in child rearing is relatively unimportant particularly in the early years of a child’s life.  Reading through the Discipline Book, I found this statement made by Dr Sears regarding his role as a father to eight children to be particularly insightful and hope it helps to provide some perspective for Dads out there:

“Dads, let me share with you how I blew it as a disciplinarian with our first three children.  Our first two came at a time when I was learning to be a doctor, and the third as I was getting a practice started.  I bought into the philosophy of putting career pursuits far ahead of everything.  Having grown up without a father, I had no model to show me the importance of the father in child rearing.  Besides, Martha (his wife) was such a good mother.  I felt I didn’t need to be available.  As with many fathers, I planned to get involved when the boys were old enough to throw a football.  Big mistake!

When one of our children misbehaved, I would either overreact or underreact, but Martha knew just what to do.  Most of the time she reacted in the right way and got results.  She had a handle on disciplining our children; I didn’t.  And because I didn’t, she had to become the full-time correction officer as well as the chief nurturer.  I realised also that she was a sensitive disciplinarian because she knew the children so well. She knew them because she was in touch with them.  She nursed them, carried them, and responded sensitively to their cries.  Not only did she know them, but they knew her too, and respected her wisdom…

…The light went on: Not only does the parent develop the child, but the child develops the parent.  Our children had helped Martha develop her sensitivity toward them.  Meanwhile, I was losing at both ends.  I wasn’t around my children enough, so they didn’t respond to me.

Lesson number one for fathers: in order to discipline your children, you have to know them.  And to know them, you have to spend time with them.  Except for breastfeeding, there is nothing about baby care that fathers can’t be involved with.  I came to realise that our babies needed what I had to offer as their father.  Just being available to them as Dad, and to Martha as husband would help…

…There is an important difference between mothers and fathers, and our children profit from that difference.  One of the myths of modern fatherhood is that fathers are portrayed as mere substitutes for mothers, pinch-hitting while mom is away.  There is nothing optional about father involvement, nor is dad just a hairier version of mom.  The father’s input into his children’s lives is different from the mother’s; not less, different.  Babies and families thrive on this difference.” 

Although Mums can get by without Dad’s input where the kids are concerned (and I’m sure this is what usually happens in a lot of families, especially in the past with our parents’ generation), the children lose out on so much when Dads opt for the hands-off approach.  Not only that but Dads also lose out when they try to step back into the role of father when their children are older only to discover a gap between them and the difficulty of trying to re-connect.  Persistent Dads will still be able to make the connection, but for some other Dads, the frustration may lead to the widening of that gap.

Sears also wrote:

“I realised what it takes for a father to become a disciplinarian: A dad must first know his child before he can set limits for his child.”

As the primary caregiver to Gavin, I find myself resonating to this statement because I believe Gavin’s compliance to my limits is largely due to the strength of our relationship.

The bottom line is that when Dads get involved early, everyone wins.  Sears has some great tips to help fathers become great disciplinarians which I recommend reading.

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After the terrible attempt to seat Gavin in his car seat last Friday, I had grave reservations about even attempting it come Monday this week.  Since I had already made plans with my friend to meet up with her and her daughter for a play gym session at Kidzsports, followed by lunch, I felt I had to at least try.

So how did it go?

While we got off to a bad start to the day when we woke up at 11:15am.  Now Gavin has not woken up so late in a very long time so it took me by surprise as well.  Ordinarily, he’ll wake up anywhere between 8:30-9:30am.

To be fair, we did go out quite late the night before.  We attended a friend’s birthday party at The Curve and didn’t come home until about 10:30pm.  However, Gavin was in bed and fast asleep by 11pm - not exactly unusual for him since there have been times when he has woken up late from an afternoon nap and not fallen asleep until 11pm-12am, and gone on to wake up at his regular hour of 9am the following morning.

Sears from The Successful Child Book also recommended that if you wanted full cooperation from your child on a busy morning, the tip is to go “slow”.  Well, slow was the last thing on my mind since we were supposed to meet my friend at 11am and we had only just woken up and perhaps that contributed to Gavin’s lack of cooperation in the car seat.

Deciding not to waste any time this time, I presented Gavin with Emily, the train - whom he hadn’t been allowed to play with since I took it back from him on Friday.  Perhaps it was a mistake to show him something that had been related to a previous traumatic incident or perhaps Emily had lost her charm since Gavin had already seen her last Friday, I can’t say for certain.  What was certain was that Emily wasn’t going to be enough to get Gavin to cooperate and sit in his chair.

On this day I did two things that I know are big “no-nos” when it comes to child car safety so please don’t comment to lecture me about - I already know.  I’m sharing this experience for the benefit of my self-analysis and in the hope that some other first time Mum might find the information useful.

Anyway, the first big “no-no” was that I moved Gavin’s car seat to the front passenger seat.  It must have been the novelty of sitting up front that got him, because Gavin didn’t protest when I strapped him into his car seat.  We got all the way to Bangsar Village without mishap and everything was great until it was time to leave.  Needless to say, Gavin refused to get back into the car seat and nothing I did would change his mind.

Ordinarily, if I can’t get Gavin to sit in his car seat to go home, I would just carry him around the mall until he fell asleep and then put him back into the car.  Since Gavin woke up at 11:15 that morning, it would mean hanging around the mall until at least 4pm (or maybe even later) before I would have had any hope of sending him to sleep for the car ride home.

Gavin used his regular stalling tactics and wanted to nurse, so I did.  Whenever he came off the breast, I would make to put him back into his car seat and he would then insist he wanted to nurse again.  I even tried forcing him into his car seat which failed miserably because he used the plank position - the one where he straightened his body rigidly so that his would slid right off the chair with any attempts to make him sit.  Honestly, if you have an answer to the plank position that isn’t violent, I’d love to hear it.  This was when I resorted to the second big “no-no” which is even worse than the first - I allowed Gavin to sit on the floor space in front of the front passenger seat.

It was interesting to note that Gavin knew I was extremely displeased with him because he sat very quietly and very still for most of the car ride home.  Whenever he made to get up, I would say “sit” and he would immediately sit back down.  Of course I gave him one heck of a lecture all the way home explaining why I needed him to sit in his car seat and why I was upset with him.  How much of it he took in, I won’t know but the fact that he was calm and listening to me was a good sign.

When we arrived back home, he made several attempts to hug me which I am pretty sure meant he was sorry.  I would soon find out how much of my lecture he took to heart the next time I took him out on my own but we’ll save that for a later post.  What I learned from Monday’s experience was this:

• I’ve said in previous posts that the optimum time to attempt to strap Gavin into his car seat is usually within 1-2 hours after he wakes up in the morning.  Well, I’m now suspecting that getting him to go from waking up straight into the car seat is probably not adviseable either.  I have a feeling he needs a warm up period and a little run around the house before being confined to the car seat.  This is just a hunch that is currently unproven.
• When in doubt about whether Gavin will cooperate and sit in his car seat, the best bribe is something new.  The novelty factor wins every time.  In this case, Emily was no longer a novelty because he had seen her the previous week - during a stressful period to boot.
• Gavin is slowly and gradually becoming teachable - he not only knows when I’m displeased with him but he nows seeks to gain back my approval (which I think was rather evident when he kept trying to hug me).  Further to this, I must add that Sunderland in The Science of Parenting warns us to be aware of such moments when a child is attempting to “mend the broken connection in the relationship”.  She recommends that parents respond with grace and acknowledge the child’s attempts to “make up” because a child in this state is most open with his feelings and most easily crushed by a harsh response.  Even if you are still angry, it is best to reply with a response such as, “I am still too angry with you to respond well to you right now, but I promise I will come and find you when I’m feeling better about things.”

Below: it isn’t a car seat, but a car mag sure helps keep Gavin in it long enough to complete his business.

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I was browsing through a blog by Casia Talbert called Healthy Moms recently and came across one of her older posts about the topic of Parenting in which she asked her readers to share their thoughts.  With Gavin demonstrating a more willful nature of late and melting down into more frequent temper tantrums, I find my mind dwelling quite considerably on this topic of late.

What do I think?  Probably too much but I would still like to share what little experience I have gained since I officially became a mother some eighteen months ago (well, technically twenty-seven months ago if you include the pregnancy).

When the hubby and I decided that we wanted to have a baby, one of my biggest concerns was not knowing how to be a good parent.  I’m not talking so much about the basic stuff like bathing, feeding, changing diapers, etc, because those are things that are easily learned.  Neither am I talking about the areas of parenting which I feel are quite clear-cut regarding what is the best option for your child.  For instance, there is plenty of evidence substantiating breastmilk as the best source of nutrition for a baby. 

For me, the part of parenting that concerned me most was discipline.  How do you raise your child so that you can take comfort in knowing that when he is at school, he will make the right choices to stay away from drugs? How can you build a bond with your child so that when he is in trouble, the first person he comes to is you? How can you give your child the best start in life so that he doesn’t end up a juvenile deliquent?

When you read so many terrible stories in the papers about individuals who open up fire on innocent bystanders you have to wonder what happened in their lives that brought them to do such horrific acts.  I think the most horrifying article I have ever read in the papers was about two ten year old boys who tortured a six year old boy.  It really makes you wonder.

Well, it made me wonder anyway. 

When Martha Sears was criticised for having 8 children and contributing to the world’s over-population, she answered, “The world needs my children.”

What can I do as a parent to raise my children so that I too might be able to say, “The world needs my children”?

When the hubby and I started talking about having a baby, I admit I didn’t know the first thing about parenting books - who were the good authors, what were the different parenting philosophies and which ones should I rely on as a resource for raising Gavin.  In some ways, I feel like I missed out on doing a lot of things “right” for Gavin, especially in his first year, because I was too overwhelmed with being a new parent and all the things I had to learn to cope with.  I was too receptive to advice - good and bad.

When it comes to parenting, I find that there is plenty of advice floating around. Being a health science student, I find that I have always tended to look for evidence to substantiate theories rather than to follow the advice of heresay even if it comes from “experienced” parents who know better than me.  Perhaps that makes me annoying, but I would rather work with theories substantiated by studies of hundreds or thousands of children rather than advice that came from a single parent whose experience is limited to one, two or even ten children.

As a first time parent, there is often a lot of trial and error with your first child as you try to navigate your way through the wealth of parenting resource and advice available out there.  Even with all my efforts to educate myself, there are many things I feel I would do differently with my second child that I regret doing or not doing with Gavin.  And if I could go back to the days when I was still pregnant with Gavin, I would read these books in preparation for parenting Gavin:

1. The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland
2. The Baby Book by William and Martha Sears

I have been criticised for being too much of a textbook parent and for relying too heavily upon what I read as opposed to “what works”.  For instance, since having Gavin, I have developed a stance against “smacking” and corporal punishment.  To be honest, I haven’t always felt this way.  I used to believe in the credo “spare the rod, spoil the child”.  What changed my views was when I read The Science of Parenting - which is a book I believe every parent should read before deciding that it is okay to smack their kids.  It was then reaffirmed when I read the parenting philosophy of Dr Sears.

I have heard the argument, “Well, my parents smacked me and I turned out okay.”  True, a child who has been smacked may turn out okay, but why would you persist with such archaic forms of discipline when you know scientifically what it can do to a child’s fragile and developing mind? Our parents may have used these methods because they didn’t know better.  They didn’t have the benefit of science and parenting textbooks to guide them.  Heck!  Even the so-called experts in their day were leading them up the garden path (albeit with good intentions) - consider the numerous doctors who used to promote infant formula over breastmilk!

Why The Science of Parenting? 

Because The Science of Parenting is not based on some doctor’s theory of what she thinks is right, but practical findings from scientific studies of groups of children and how the developing brain works.

Why The Baby Book?

Because William Sears has been a paediatrician for thirty over years, and Martha Sears is a registered nurse and together they have raised eight children of their own.  As health professionals in the field, they have shared the experience of thousands of patients and conducted numerous studies of their own. Being parents of eight children of their own with very different personalities, they are no longer just scientists looking down a microscope and making observations, instead they have first hand experience of what it is like to to practice what they preach.

Had I read these books while I was still pregnant, I would have practiced Attachment Parenting right from day one.  I would have carried Gavin more and not taken so long to accept co-sleeping.  I would have spent more time playing with Gavin and gazing into his eyes instead of watching TV or reading books.  This is because discipline doesn’t begin when your child is old enough to understand you - it begins from day one of your child’s life.

Although the difficulties I currently face with Gavin may have occurred regardless of whether or not I had practiced attachment from day one, there is always going to be a part of me that wonders if he might have been “easier” to handle if I had.  Perhaps he is difficult to manage just because he is like Hayden - the Sears’ fourth child - spirited and determined.  I will never really know.  But just knowing there is another way means I will always keep trying to be a better parent and all I can do is hope that what I do is enough.

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When I told a friend that I had decided that I was going to avoid using smacking as a form of discipline, she gave me the following advice:

She thought I should avoid the pitfall of becoming a textbook Mum and follow my own instincts, citing her case study of her friend, because she felt that smacking was an essential tool to discipline. According to her, her friend’s parents were paediatricians who took the textbook route to looking after her friend when she was a baby and never once smacked her friend while she was growing up. Her friend eventually grew up to be as messed-up a person as there ever could be. When her friend’s parents raised her friend’s sister, they decided to use their own instincts instead and her friend’s sister turned out to be well-balanced and as normal a person as there ever could be.

Naturally, I scoffed at her.  Firstly, there are many textbooks and many different parenting philosophies around. Since she’s talking about her friend who would be about my age, I would say that the textbook philosophies that her friend’s parents followed date back to my parents era and is most likely obsolete by now or at least superceded by new philosophies based on longer term studies and a better understanding of the brain. Secondly, I doubt she has ever read any books on parenting herself since she’s not even a mother, so I think it is a little rich to be criticising something you don’t really understand and stereotyping it as a whole that they are all one and the same.

I, too, have had my share of misconceived ideas on how a child should be raised and I, too, once thought smacking was okay, but that was before I became a mother and started educating myself in the various philosophies of parenting.  I believe that until you become a mother yourself, you will never really know what you will do or which method works best for you.  Though I read books about parenting and follow their advice for guidance, the manner in which I raise Gavin is still the sum of that which I have read and my instincts on how best to apply what I’ve read to the real life situation. 

Although there is a belief that the way we parent our children will largely be derived from the way we were raised as children, I think my last post on the topic says enough of what I thought of my parents’ parenting methods.  I don’t believe that we should follow tradition or the methods our parents employed just because they are supposedly more experienced than we are having raised x number of children who have turned out the way we have and since there is nothing overtly wrong with her, it therefore proves that their methods are the best way to raise a child.  Given the fact that we have access to far more parenting resources than our parents ever did, we owe it to our children to examine those resources and choose the methods of parenting that make the most sense to us.

While some parents may have philosophies that differ from mine, and even if some of those philosophies alarm me because of the harm I believe they can cause to a child, I don’t believe that any parent in their right mind would do anything to deliberately harm their own child.  If such methods are employed, I believe they are done so because of a lack of awareness of the potential damage they can inflict upon that child.  All I can hope is that their children are sufficiently robust on an emotional level not to be affected by CIO or that their parents wisen up to the inadequacies of such parenting methods.

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Whenever I hear about “CIO” (cry-it-out) and mothers using this method to train their babies to sleep on their own, I often get alarmed.  Even though these mothers may be able to boast children that appear to be better behaved and more “independent”, I fear the CIO method of rearing a child can be so emotionally scarring that the effects of it will last even as your child enters adulthood.  That is because CIO teaches a child that when they cry (when they hurt, when they need help), no one will respond to them.  This then translates to a lack of trust or willingness to open up to others because they have learned from an early age that the world cannot be depended upon and everything must be dealt with on their own. 

Why do I feel so strongly about CIO?  Because I was a CIO baby.  I was weaned from birth and spent a large part of my childhood in the care of people other than my parents.  I was looked after by two different aunts, then I went to a home where I only got to see my parents when they visited me on the weekend.  Although my parents met all of my physical needs growing up - they provided food, shelter, and clothing - I was emotionally dry.  I endured the three worst periods of my life alone when I should have gone to them for support and yet I didn’t because I had never asked for their help with anything that really mattered in my life.  Despite how difficult it had been, I couldn’t bring myself to get help from them.  No doubt I would might made different decisions if I had had their support. 

In every essence, I was extremely obedient all the way through school and into University until I finally plucked up the courage to rebel in my final year (though not without enduring a lot of unnecessary emotional turmoil and anguish).  My aunt even told me once that she used to envy my parents for having such “well-behaved” children and wonder why her children weren’t like us.  That was, until she realised how much both my brother and I had kept to ourselves.

In fact, I can’t even take credit for being a good kid.  I believe I never got into any real trouble because I was lucky to be among the right crowds at school (read: I hung out with the goody-two-shoes-nerds).  I never had to face the peer pressure of doing drugs or alcohol and my few encounters with alcohol abuse were among responsible, trustworthy friends who made sure I got home safely.

I don’t blame my parents for the way I was raised - I put it down to the fact that they didn’t know better.  After all, my mother was from an era where even the doctors were encouraging them to wean their babies.  She was encouraged to let us cry it out so we wouldn’t become spoilt.  I was cared for by other people because my mother had to work and couldn’t manage both my brother and me.  I know they regret the parenting decisions they made - there were a few times when my Dad tried to apologise for sending me to that home.  In fact, becoming a parent myself, has been quite therapeutic in its own way because I have learned to put the past behind me and strengthened the relationship I have with my parents.

The one good thing that came out of my childhood was that it made me more determined to get it right with my children.  When I was a teenager, I promised myself that unless I could devote the time necessary to ensure I could be the best mother possible, I would not have children.  This promise is the only thing keeping me from taking up job offers from the headhunters that call me, because I won’t deny that the ambitious part of me would love to take on a regional role and be a corporate high flier.

I know my story is just a study of one - but it is the personal factor that has strongly motivated me to look further into the parenting philosophies available and pick the one that made the most sense to me.  It was Sears, with his years of experience in paediatrics, sharing the experiences of his patients’ parents, learning from them and his own personal experience of having eight children, who seemed to me to be one of the more credible personalities to be handing out parenting advice.  And it is Sears’ view of differing parenting methodologies that explained best my childhood experience and how it affected my later life as an adult.

Though it may be quite draining sometimes to have to handle Gavin all the time on the days where he only wants me, I think it’s worth it.  What’s a few years of his life taken to set up the foundation for a bond in our relationship that will last a lifetime?

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At 1 year and 2 months, Gavin has developed a renewed fondness for Mummy and an apprehensiveness of anyone else that has led a number of comments.  From the tone of their voices, I can pretty much guess that they don’t think this is very healthy, especially when the children of people they know don’t seem to exhibit such clinginess. 

Since I’m one of the few they know who has continued nursing my son past one year, they believe that Gavin’s clinginess is due, in part, to the breastfeeding and possibly because Gavin spends too much time around me.  Perhaps this is the reason why they keep hinting that I should wean him.  I’ve also had some suggestions that I should pan off some responsibility of looking after Gavin to others so that he can get used to being in the company of others.

The question that pops in my mind is: “Why are they so eager for my baby to become independent before he’s even learned how to walk properly?”  Firstly, there’s nothing wrong with extended breastfeeding, in fact it’s beneficial!  Secondly, there’s also nothing wrong with a little bit of clinginess considering Gavin is only just over a year old!  Childhood recapitulates evolution and a healthy instinct is to cling to Mummy because she represents safety from predators.  Our babies don’t know that we have evolved such that predators are no longer other animals that want to eat them, but they are other things that could harm them, like cars.

I really don’t understand this concept of training a baby to be independent because it doesn’t make sense to me.  A baby is born dependent and relies on Mum and Dad to take care of his needs (both physical and emotional) until such time that he is able to fulfil those needs on his own.  The relationship babies have with their Mums and Dads in these early years form the foundation upon which they will base their future relationships.  If parents try too hard to force their babies into a premature independence, they are likely to raise children who become adults that are unable to form close relationships with others. 

In fact, according to Dr Sears, we shouldn’t be trying to teach our children independence.  We should be teaching them about interdependence.  There is a fine balance between dependence and independence and a healthy person should be somewhere in the middle.  Our children need to learn to do things on their own - true - but they also need to know how to turn back and ask for help when life gets tough.  Forcing them prematurely into independence teaches them that they can’t trust anyone and they won’t know how to come back to Mum and Dad for help when they really need it.  I think that old proverb, “No man is an island”, says it best.

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Although I have listed Askdrsears as a useful resource for parenting, I feel I have grossly underestimated just how useful this website has been.  With a style of parenting that resonates with my own instincts, I have found the articles and answers to questions on this website to be extremely insightful and reassuring whenever I am uncertain about Gavin’s developments or if I’ve suddenly had doubts with the parenting approach I’ve adopted with Gavin.

For instance, I have noticed that ever since we came back from Australia, Gavin’s been more clingy and constantly in need of comfort through the night where he used to sleep very well through the night.  This was what Dr Bob Sears had to say about 8 month olds and nightwaking:

“I hear this almost every day in my office. Many infants sleep well for the first 5 months of life, and then teething sets in, and the night waking begins. This is so common, I have concluded that this is actually the norm, and 8-month-olds who DO sleep through the night are the minority.  Read more…”

Another fear that had cropped up more often than not is whether Gavin will ever learn to fall asleep on his own since I often rock him or nurse him to sleep with the sound of music in the back. 

“The majority of babies this age still need to be “parented” to sleep (nursing, rocking, cuddling, etc.). Pretty much guaranteed, that at some point in the future, you will tuck her into bed, give her a kiss, and say goodnight. Some babies just learned to fall asleep very easily, but many need to be taught…pick a good strategy for teaching them how to get to sleep…if you do it right, you will have an older child that enjoys going to sleep. My two children learned to fall asleep on their own sometime between their second and third birthday.  Read more…”

A while back when Gavin was only four months old, there was a push from my parents and my in laws to start feeding Gavin solids because it appeared that he wanted to eat what we were eating since he would watch us avidly everytime we were eating something or holding food in our hands.  I kept explaining that it wasn’t advisable to start solids until baby was at least 6 months or even older in the case of babies who have a high potential for developing allergies.  Of course, the general comment from our parents generation has always been, “Yeah, but you were fed solids early and you are fine.”  To which I would usually be stumped until I read what Dr Jim Sears had to say to doting grandmas who think infants need to be started on solids earlier:

“Much has been learned over the past thirty years about infant nutrition and development. Many practices that were common three decades ago are now known to be unhealthy, maybe even dangerous to a young infant. I know that the experts told you to start feeding your babies cereal after a few weeks of life; and you followed their advice because you loved your children. Now we know that an infant’s gut is not ready for solid foods until around six months of age. If you start a food too early, he is much more likely to become allergic to it. This can result in damage to the intestines, weight loss, blood in the stool, and malnutrition. You might argue, “Well, my kids started solid foods at three weeks, and they turned out just fine.” The truth is, very few adults have perfectly working digestive tracts. Just look at all the commercials for heartburn remedies and stool softeners… “ever feel gassy and bloated after a meal?”

Here is what the experts are saying now:

• Breastfeed for at least one year.
• Start cereal and other solids after six months of age.

Grammy, please let your daughters follow this advice, because they love your grandchildren as much as you do.”

These are just some of the useful bits of advice I found (there were much more I found to be relevant to Gavin and me).  Of course, if I copied and pasted everything I found useful, I would probably end up reproducing their website, so I suggest you just visit Askdrsears whenever you’ve got some unanswered questions.

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When I was in school, my Physics teacher commented that the problem with me was that whenever I discovered my answers were different to another student’s, I would instinctively ask, “Where did I go wrong?”  If my teacher found his answers were different from another person, his instinct would have been to ask the other person, “Where did you go wrong?”

So I have a habit of assuming that me mistake is automatically mine and such was what happened recently…

Earlier today, the hubby and I were shopping at 1Utama with Gavin.  As the hubby was carrying Gavin in his arms and I was walking beside him pushing our empty pram, we observed all the other children sitting peacefully in their prams, content to remain as they were.

“Now why doesn’t Gavin sit in his pram like that?”  The hubby asked absently.

Feeling a little defensive, I asked, “Do you really think I spoilt him?”

The hubby answered, “Yes.”

I think I should rewind a little and recount some of the events over the past week.  Although Gavin’s always been a really good baby, content to observe his environment and generally quite quiet, I’ve noticed that recently, he’s becoming a lot more demanding in various ways.  For instance, there were a couple of nights in the past week where he just refused to sleep alone and he would either be permanently glued to my breast or using my chest as a pillow.  He howls the instant I try to lie him on his back to change his diaper or clothes.  He screams in frustration when I take him out of the bath tub.  In fact, he’s been displaying quite a nasty temper whenever things aren’t going his way.

I confess I started to waver in my resolve that when a baby cries or fusses, I should pick him up, calm him down, offer him the breast, rock him or do whatever else is necessary to stop the crying or fussing.  I started to wonder if perhaps I was spoiling him by responding to his demands and now that he was so used to it that he was taking advantage of it.  I had made him dependent on my breast so much so that he had turned me into a human pacifier.

Deciding that I was going to change things, I chose to work on helping Gavin sleep through the night without using me as a human pacifier as my first step to “unspoiling” him.  Recalling the “Baby Sleep Book” by Sears, I went to MPH to browse through its contents.  After flicking through a few pages, I remembered the sleep article that C emailed me some time back that was also written by Sears.  It was titled “8 Infant Sleep Facts Parents Should Know“.

One of the comments that Sears made was: “An important fact for you to remember is that your baby’s sleep habits are more a reflection of your baby’s temperament rather than your style of nighttime parenting.”  Sears also believed that frequent stirring at night and nightwaking are the result of frequent phases of REM sleep that a baby goes through.  REM sleep forms an important part of baby’s development and Sears discourages the idea that babies should be taught to sleep more deeply from an early age because:

“Sleep researchers… theorize that light sleep helps the brain develop because the brain doesn’t rest during REM sleep. In fact, blood flow to the brain nearly doubles during REM sleep… During REM sleep the body increases its manufacture of certain nerve proteins, the building blocks of the brain. Learning is also thought to occur during the active stage of sleep. The brain may use this time to process information acquired while awake, storing what is beneficial to the individual and discarding what is not. Some sleep researchers believe that REM sleeps acts to auto-stimulate the developing brain, providing beneficial imagery that promotes mental development. It is possible that during this stage of rapid brain growth (babies’ brains grow to nearly seventy percent of adult volume during the first two years) the brain needs to continue functioning during sleep in order to develop.”

After reading some more, it appeared that a lot of the things I had been doing instinctively were in keeping with Sears parenting philosophies.  My concern about Gavin’s all night feeding was also unfounded as I discovered when I read an article about
“night weaning”:

“Wear your baby in a sling and give your baby more touch time during the day. It’s easy when babies get older to greatly decrease the amount of touching time without realizing it. All-night nursing can sometimes be a baby’s signal reminding mothers not to rush their baby into dependence. In developing a healthy independence, a child leaves and comes back; lets go and clings, step by step until she is going out more than she is coming back. Many mothers have noted that babies and toddlers show an increased need for nursing and holding time right before undertaking a new stage of development, such as crawling or walking.”

As it happens, Gavin has been working on his crawling and even trying to walk a few steps when I hold him in the standing position which he seems to favour over sitting of late.

I also found an article about “high needs babies” that stated: “In some ways all babies are high need babies, and most babies have high needs in at least one area of their life. Some have more high need areas than others. The neediness of the baby is often in the mind of the parent. Some experienced parents of children have widened their expectations of what babies are “normally” like, and they adapt more easily to a baby with high needs; new parents often are not so realistic.”

That said, there are a handful of parents who are have been blessed with “angel babies”, and as my cousin once said, “Parents of angel babies have no idea what it’s like to have a spirited baby.”

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