Some time back I wrote about post about whether we should discipline someone else’s child.  Although I found the topic a difficult one at the end, I concluded that it was okay so long as the matter involving the child mean that:

• another child might get hurt
• the child in question might get hurt; or
• something will be damaged

Since then, I’ve been taking Gavin to Kizsports and various jungle gyms to play and I find it quite alarming to see how rough and unconcerned a lot of children are to the younger children.  Most will push past a smaller and slower child trying to climb up a ladder or go down the slide.  In such cases, I find myself asserting my authority and telling them to be patient and consider the younger child. 

When I see a lot of children coming through, I usually hold Gavin back and allow them to go through first, but when Gavin is already midway through the action, I don’t take him away because he was there first.  If Gavin is attempting to descend a slide with another child already on the slide, I tell him to wait for the child to finish his or her turn.  I make it a point to teach Gavin to respect other children so it really irks me to see bigger children (who ought to know better than a 21 month old) pushing their way through the smaller children with no regard for them.

To say that they’re children and they don’t know better is just making an excuse for failing to teach them.  If they’re old enough to over-take another child and push them out of the way, they’re old enough to learn how to be courteous and mindful of other children.  Even now I can see that Gavin will hold back when he see another child on the slide.  He steps back to let other children go first.  He says “excuse me” (sometimes) when he wants me to move out of his way.  He can say “please” and “thank you” (usually with prompting, although he has done it without prompting when he really wants something).

Although I’ve realised the power of “monkey see, monkey do”, I don’t think the significance of it ever really sank in until Gavin said “excuse me” (which sounded more like “scoos me”) one night.  I had never taught him to say it but I think he picked it up because I started using it on the dog when I wanted the dog to move. 

Children at this age are so teachable, but parents or caregivers must be willing to assume the role as teachers.  The ability to inculcate good manners into a child was really impressed upon me when I read the article from The Asian Parent on “The Gift of Grace and Good Manners“.  A young child can learn to be polite and mindful of others as long as their parents or guardians are willing to teach them.

One of the points that was pointed out by The Asian Parent is that some parents are afraid their children will become pushovers, making them easy target for bullies.  They would rather their children be the bully than the bullied.  I understand that concern all too well.  Gavin’s willingness to back off sometimes seems like he’s allowing other children to push him around, but I’ve realised it isn’t necessarily so. 

When Gavin was a lot younger, he wanted to look at books on a book shelf at a bookstore that another child was looking at.  The other child pushed Gavin away because he was there first.  So Gavin respected that and moved to another book shelf.  Later the other child came over to the shelf Gavin was looking at and tried to nudge him out of the way.  Gavin pushed back (he was pre-verbal and he didn’t have the words to tell the other child that he was there first).

The Asian Parent also suggests that to overcome the concern that a child might be an easy target for bullying, a parent can send their children for Taekwando classes because the discipline teaches children that it is okay to defend themselves when the need arises, but also to uphold a code of conduct by respecting themselves and others.

In this part of the world, it is common to observe a lack of manners and common courtesy in the behaviour of a lot of adults (let alone children).  Well, manners and courtesy begin in the home.  If it is not taught, how can you expect your children to grow up with the “gift of grace and good manners”?

Popularity: 3% [?]

It was my SIL2 that first started using sticker rewards on Gavin with some amount of success.  After that she shifted to Thomas the Tank Engine badges because it was obvious that a Thomas reward worked far better than any old sticker.  It was only when I bought Gavin a Thomas Sticker Book with 700 stickers that I realised the true power of stickers.

My friend and mother of my god daughter told me they used a lot of sticker rewards at my god daughter’s play school.  “Finish your water and you can have a sticker,” “wash your hands and you can have a sticker”, and so it goes.  Whenever they needed the toddlers to do anything they weren’t willing to do, a sticker would always do the trick. 

Although the first lot of stickers we bought for Gavin didn’t exactly work like magic, I think they were great for setting the stage of stickers as a reward.  They taught Gavin that if he did something we asked, he’d get a sticker.  While he liked the yellow chicks on the stickers, he wasn’t crazy about them, so if the task he had to do to get the sticker was too much to his dislike, the sticker reward simply wouldn’t work.

The magical effect of stickers didn’t really take on a whole different meaning until I bought the Thomas Sticker book.  Now, whenever I offer him a sticker reward, he’ll usually come willingly.  For those nasty tasks he dislikes, I can often read the tormoil in his expression as he wrestles between his dislike for the task and his desire for the sticker.  If he’s struggling too hard to get off the fence, I’ll sweeten the deal with two stickers - one before he does the task and one he’ll get after he completes the task.  So far, it’s worked fairly consistently.

And since we have 700 different Thomas and Friends stickers, I think it’ll be a while before he gets bored of these…

The added bonus from this book are the pictures of trains that Gavin can practice colouring in.  Perhaps now Mummy can take a break from drawing ugly trains that only her own toddler would recognise…

Popularity: 3% [?]

Gavin refused to let me change his diaper today.  He seemed to think it was funny because I caught a smirk on his face and I frowned my disapproval.  When he refused to respond after asking him nicely, I threatened to stop drawing and playing with him.  He seemed rather unconcerned by my threats and continued playing with his trains by himself.  I tried walking away but it had no effect because he was pleasantly entertained by his trains. 

So I took measures one step further and confiscated all his trains.  Unperturbed, he sauntered back to the family room and started drawing on his Doodle board.  So I confiscated that one, too.  He went back to his train tracks and stood by them adjusting minute details from lack of something better to do.  He wasn’t throwing a tantrum, he wasn’t crying, and he didn’t get angry that I had taken his toys.  It was as if he accepted the fact that he lost his toys because he wouldn’t let me change his diaper. 

Realising that it’s sometimes difficult to back down and offer to get his diaper changed, I made another attempt to change his diaper.  This time, he cooperated with me and allowed me to do the necessary.  My son is very proud and sometimes there is a need to read in between the lines and realise that he is ready to cooperate even when he doesn’t say anything about it.

After changing him, I gave him a hug for helping me.  Sensing everything was okay, he asked for his trains back.  Since he cooperated, I gave them all back.

This is the first time I have really used the removal of privileges as a method to correct Gavin’s behaviour.  I was also quite pleased to see that it worked and that Gavin accepted the consequences without throwing a tantrum.  Admitedly, it was early in the morning and he hadn’t been up for very long.  I’ve noticed that behaviour and cooperation decrease exponentially when Gavin is tired or cranky from teething problems.

When we went out to the Gardens, he was really great when it came to leaving the toy department.  When I told him it was time to go, he went - no arguments.  It was only towards the end of our outing that he started to become difficult.  I was trying to get fruits from the supermarket, but he would walk away from me no matter how many times I called him back.  When I tried to carry him in my arms, he would wriggle and wriggle until I had to put him down.

Upon reflection, I realise that Gavin is a very well behaved toddler and I really need to give him due credit for it.  The only times he has been obstinate and difficult have been related to times of fatigue and teething irritations.  I often get told, not only by friends, but also by strangers observing him that he is a very well behaved child so I know it isn’t just a mother’s bias towards her child.  In fact, it wasn’t until I kept hearing how well-behaved my child was that I started to really examine his behaviour and realise this truth. 

As a mother, it is hard not to feel pride when someone praises your child for being well-behaved because it is almost like a reflection upon your motherhood skills to have a well-behaved child.  Yet, at the same time, I find it difficult to assume full credit for his behaviour because I can’t think of the defining actions I’ve taken to have resulted in Gavin’s good behaviour.  I can only be grateful that I have a child with a generally cooperative nature.

Popularity: 2% [?]

There appears to be a common belief among Dads that their involvement in child rearing is relatively unimportant particularly in the early years of a child’s life.  Reading through the Discipline Book, I found this statement made by Dr Sears regarding his role as a father to eight children to be particularly insightful and hope it helps to provide some perspective for Dads out there:

“Dads, let me share with you how I blew it as a disciplinarian with our first three children.  Our first two came at a time when I was learning to be a doctor, and the third as I was getting a practice started.  I bought into the philosophy of putting career pursuits far ahead of everything.  Having grown up without a father, I had no model to show me the importance of the father in child rearing.  Besides, Martha (his wife) was such a good mother.  I felt I didn’t need to be available.  As with many fathers, I planned to get involved when the boys were old enough to throw a football.  Big mistake!

When one of our children misbehaved, I would either overreact or underreact, but Martha knew just what to do.  Most of the time she reacted in the right way and got results.  She had a handle on disciplining our children; I didn’t.  And because I didn’t, she had to become the full-time correction officer as well as the chief nurturer.  I realised also that she was a sensitive disciplinarian because she knew the children so well. She knew them because she was in touch with them.  She nursed them, carried them, and responded sensitively to their cries.  Not only did she know them, but they knew her too, and respected her wisdom…

…The light went on: Not only does the parent develop the child, but the child develops the parent.  Our children had helped Martha develop her sensitivity toward them.  Meanwhile, I was losing at both ends.  I wasn’t around my children enough, so they didn’t respond to me.

Lesson number one for fathers: in order to discipline your children, you have to know them.  And to know them, you have to spend time with them.  Except for breastfeeding, there is nothing about baby care that fathers can’t be involved with.  I came to realise that our babies needed what I had to offer as their father.  Just being available to them as Dad, and to Martha as husband would help…

…There is an important difference between mothers and fathers, and our children profit from that difference.  One of the myths of modern fatherhood is that fathers are portrayed as mere substitutes for mothers, pinch-hitting while mom is away.  There is nothing optional about father involvement, nor is dad just a hairier version of mom.  The father’s input into his children’s lives is different from the mother’s; not less, different.  Babies and families thrive on this difference.” 

Although Mums can get by without Dad’s input where the kids are concerned (and I’m sure this is what usually happens in a lot of families, especially in the past with our parents’ generation), the children lose out on so much when Dads opt for the hands-off approach.  Not only that but Dads also lose out when they try to step back into the role of father when their children are older only to discover a gap between them and the difficulty of trying to re-connect.  Persistent Dads will still be able to make the connection, but for some other Dads, the frustration may lead to the widening of that gap.

Sears also wrote:

“I realised what it takes for a father to become a disciplinarian: A dad must first know his child before he can set limits for his child.”

As the primary caregiver to Gavin, I find myself resonating to this statement because I believe Gavin’s compliance to my limits is largely due to the strength of our relationship.

The bottom line is that when Dads get involved early, everyone wins.  Sears has some great tips to help fathers become great disciplinarians which I recommend reading.

Popularity: 6% [?]

I’ve noticed that there is a tendency to label a toddler as naughty even when he is just exhibiting characteristics that are normal for any developing child.  A toddler’s intense curiosity is a normal part of his drive to help him learn about the world around him.  Sometimes that intense curiosity drives him to do things that are annoying or irritating to us, especially when we’ve told him not to do it at least ten times before.  We then tell him off for being naughty when he isn’t trying to be naughty but when he’s just being a toddler who is curious to learn.

Before I go on, let me get one thing straight, this post isn’t about allowing a toddler to do whatever he fancies, it is about how you correct his behaviour.  For instance, toddlers are also intensely curious about plug points but that doesn’t mean we should allow them to stick their saliva-coated fingers into one.  Likewise there are things that a toddler will try to do that you should allow in order to help him develop his skills - like when he wants to pour water between his bowl and cup (if you don’t like the mess, get him to do it in the bath).  Or when he wants to climb the stairs but we can’t be bothered to follow him so we discourage him from doing so (yes, I’ve been guilty of this one) and then get annoyed with him when he insists on continuing.

To me, the definition of being naughty is when you specifically tell your child not to do something and then he looks you straight in the eye and does it defiantly.  However, this shouldn’t be confused with the times when a child does something you told him not to do yesterday.  Children have remarkably short memories and they do need constant reminders before they can remember not to do something in future.  For instance, I used to have to remind Gavin on a daily basis not to go near the plug points, but now I’ve noticed that he can play in an area near a plug point and remember that he isn’t supposed to touch it.

The problem with telling a child that he is naughty because he wants to open the kitchen drawers or climb the door frames (yes, I did that when I was a kid) is that you are squashing his instincts to learn.  There are things that are negotiable and then there are the actions that are not negotiable.  Obviously plug points and running onto the road are not negotiable.  In such instances, what you should do is teach him why you don’t want him to do it, for example, when it is dangerous.  Although he may not grasp the concept immediately, he will eventually learn why it is dangerous.   

With actions and activities that are negotiable, you can supervise his actions to make sure he doesn’t do anything that could hurt himself or damage your things.  It’s okay to say “no” when the timing is bad - for instance, when he wants to climb the stairs but you need to cook dinner - but it is important to let him know why he can’t do it right now.  At the end of the day, what you want to do is preserve your child’s curiosity to learn, at the same time setting firm boundaries that will help keep him (or others) safe from harm.

Nowadays, I try to dispense with the word “naughty”.  Instead, when he does something I don’t like, I tell him it is “not nice”.  Occasionally, the wrong word slips out (I think because it is so ingrained in me), but I’m getting better at it.  Similarly, I try not to say “clever boy” or “smart boy”, instead, I say “great job” or “good effort”.  The key is to focus on the actions and the behaviour rather than the child, regardless of whether you’re telling him off for doing the wrong thing or praising him for doing the right thing.

Popularity: 6% [?]

I confess that I was never always against the idea of corporal punishment.  At one stage, I even believed that if you “spare the rod”, you “spoil the child”.  My only defence lies in the fact that I believed it back in days before I became a parent.  I used to think that juvenile delinquents existed because their parents failed to discipline (read: smack, because back then discipline to me meant smacking, spanking, hitting or whatever name it goes by under the umbrella term of corporal punishment) them adequately when they were younger, and that was why I was all for corporal punishment. 

And then I became a mother.

And the maternal instincts kicked in.

Okay, okay, perhaps it started a little before that.  I was pregnant and the dog was misbehaving and while I was threatening to smack him for being “bad” that was about as far as I could go.  I couldn’t bring myself to inflict harm upon him.

Even as I look at my son, I don’t think I could lay a hand upon him and justify it under the term of “discipline”.

I decided “to each his own”.  Corporal punishment may be the way for some parents but it wasn’t going to be for me.

That was when I started reading to educate myself on what other options existed besides corporal punishment.  How else could I raise a well-behaved, confident and socially well-adjusted child?

Reading led to the discovery of the mounting evidence against corporal punishment and the ill-effects of corporal punishment on the developing brain of a child.  I was alarmed.  If my decision not to discipline my son with corporal punishment was born from an instinct, my conviction for that decision had been cemented by the evidence.  Where I once told the hubby that he could discipline our son as he saw fit and I would do as I saw fit, I now felt compelled to convince him of the dangers of corporal punishment.

Why is corporal punishment so damaging to a child?

Because corporal punishment causes stress in a child that is no different to the stress a child experiences when being bullied or suffering from child abuse.  Brain scans show structural and biochemical changes that affect social behaviour. 

Cell death in the anterior cingulate gyrus affects a child’s ability to moderate fear and to empathise.  Changes in the brain’s pathways affect a child’s ability to manage stress and being more prone to being impulsive, aggressive and/or anxious.  Long term changes to the adrenaline systems in the brain affect the ability to think clearly.  Impairment in the brain stem has been linked to ADHD, depression and impaired attention.  It also leads to more aggression and irritability.

Other changes to the brain have also been observed:

• decrease in size of the corpus callosum causing manic shifts in mood states
• reduced amygdala and hippocampus resulting in depression, irritability and hostility; and poor memory function
• effects to the GABA system making a child feel unsafe and constantly living in a state of alarm

Violent methods of discipline have also been linked to children with anti-social behaviour and increased prevalence of psychiatric disorders, while non-violent methods of discipline is linked to higher cognitive function.

A common argument for the corporal punishment camp is one that goes something along the lines of, “I was spanked as a child and I turned out okay.”

A couple of other arguments stem from this point as well.  Firstly, what is okay?  Could it be that if we weren’t smacked we might have more deeper and meaningful friendships?  Better relationships?  Lasting marriages?  Feel less depressed?  Perform better at work?  Have a better outlook and attitude towards life?

Secondly, children who have been hit by misguided well-intentioned parents are later able to reach a well adjusted adulthood because of the love, nurturance and appropriate limit-setting not because of the physical violence they received.

Jordan Riak cites an excellent example that articulates the fallacy of this belief rather aptly (incidentally, each and every one of these examples applies to my own childhood, too):

Let’s test the I-turned-out-okay argument by examining a few real-life examples from my own childhood. See if they apply to you.

1. There were ashtrays in every room of our house. My parents smoked, as did most adult visitors to our home. The aroma of cigarette, cigar and pipe smoke was always present. Nobody minded. In fact, not one day passed in my early life when I was not exposed to tobacco smoke. I was even exposed in the womb because my mother smoked when she was pregnant with me. And I turned out okay. 
2. The first family car I remember was a 1937 Chevrolet sedan. It had no seat belts. When we traveled, I was merely plunked down on the back seat with the expectation that gravity would keep me there. It did. And I turned out okay. 
3. All the places in which I lived as a child were painted with lead-based paint. And I turned out okay. 
4. I used a bicycle throughout my childhood and teen years, but never wore any kind of protective headgear. And I turned out okay.

Was my family wise or just lucky? Today, we don’t do those things anymore. We don’t take such risks, and we don’t expose our children to such risks – not if we know the facts.

Quite possibly, one of the uncomfortable notions about bashing corporal punishment is that many of us (at least in the circle of people that I know) were smacked at some stage when we were children.  The idea that our parents did wrong against us can be a rather uncomfortable one to face.  I’m not bashing the way we were raised by our parents.  They did what they felt was right at the time because they lacked the awareness of the possible side effects.  All the examples listed above are other ways our parents did “wrong” against us but they were accepted practices in their day.

I could cite a few more…

When I was a kid, I was treated by dentists who never wore gloves.  Would you allow a dentist to put her hands into your mouth now without gloves?

As a child, I was weaned by my mother because that was the recommended practice of the day but I don’t blame my mother for it, nor do I complain that I am intellectually weaker than my peers who were lucky enough to be breastfed as a result.

The Efficacy of Corporal Punishment

One might argue that corporal punishment is effective in conveying the message across to a child that they did wrong and that nothing else works quite as well.  Longitudinal studies have shown the converse to be true.  In fact, schools that had the highest rates of corporal punishment also had “the lowest graduation rates, the highest rates of teen pregnancy, the highest incarceration rates and the highest murder rates“.

From: The Influence of Corporal Punishment on Crime
By Adah Maurer, Ph.D. and James S. Wallerstein (1987)

You will find that adults who were hit as kids, while believing that it did them “no harm” can seldom articulate any way in which it helped them.  Let’s be honest, if you were smacked at a kid and you behaved after that, why did you behave?  Was it because you knew it was wrong?  Because you were afraid of getting smacked again?  Or because you didn’t want to disappoint your parents? 

Exactly what are the lessons learned from being hit?  Often it leads to bullying and the acceptance that it is okay to hit others.  What happened to the moral of the story?  Your child might behave in front of you but how will you know what goes on behind your back?  Discipline should be about raising morally-aware children with a social conscience, and not creating fear-inspired behaviours in a child that don’t last once the child is out of sight. 

There are Other Ways to Discipline

It also seems to me that a common misconception is that if I choose not to discipline my child by smacking him, I’m choosing not to discipline him at all (forgive me if I’m making a generalisation here as this is based on a comment made on a recent post I wrote about Choosing a Parenting Style).  Perhaps such thoughts are only limited to those near-sighted enough to believe that the only way to discipline a child is through violence.

There are other ways to discipline a child.  They are generally more time consuming and they also require more effort.  Let’s face it - it’s definitely a lot easier to just yell at your child or smack him for misbehaving.  It doesn’t require much thought and I’m sure the action alone will help you let off some steam from the anger buttons your child has just pushed.

This is a long and lengthy topic, but if you’re convinced that non-violent discipline is the way to go, then might I recommend these resources:

• AskDrSears
• The Discipline Book
• The Successful Child
• The Science of Parenting

Or at the very least read the evidence or dig deeper yourself:

• Plain Talk About Spanking
• Spanking by Parents and Subsequent Antisocial Behavior of Children
• CORPORAL PUNISHMENT BY MOTHERS AND COGNITIVE DEVELOPMENT OF CHILDREN: A LONGITUDINAL STUDY
• Slapping and spanking in childhood and its association with lifetime prevalence of psychiatric disorders
• The Influence of Corporal Punishment on Crime
• The Science of Parenting

Popularity: 11% [?]

I was browsing through a blog by Casia Talbert called Healthy Moms recently and came across one of her older posts about the topic of Parenting in which she asked her readers to share their thoughts.  With Gavin demonstrating a more willful nature of late and melting down into more frequent temper tantrums, I find my mind dwelling quite considerably on this topic of late.

What do I think?  Probably too much but I would still like to share what little experience I have gained since I officially became a mother some eighteen months ago (well, technically twenty-seven months ago if you include the pregnancy).

When the hubby and I decided that we wanted to have a baby, one of my biggest concerns was not knowing how to be a good parent.  I’m not talking so much about the basic stuff like bathing, feeding, changing diapers, etc, because those are things that are easily learned.  Neither am I talking about the areas of parenting which I feel are quite clear-cut regarding what is the best option for your child.  For instance, there is plenty of evidence substantiating breastmilk as the best source of nutrition for a baby. 

For me, the part of parenting that concerned me most was discipline.  How do you raise your child so that you can take comfort in knowing that when he is at school, he will make the right choices to stay away from drugs? How can you build a bond with your child so that when he is in trouble, the first person he comes to is you? How can you give your child the best start in life so that he doesn’t end up a juvenile deliquent?

When you read so many terrible stories in the papers about individuals who open up fire on innocent bystanders you have to wonder what happened in their lives that brought them to do such horrific acts.  I think the most horrifying article I have ever read in the papers was about two ten year old boys who tortured a six year old boy.  It really makes you wonder.

Well, it made me wonder anyway. 

When Martha Sears was criticised for having 8 children and contributing to the world’s over-population, she answered, “The world needs my children.”

What can I do as a parent to raise my children so that I too might be able to say, “The world needs my children”?

When the hubby and I started talking about having a baby, I admit I didn’t know the first thing about parenting books - who were the good authors, what were the different parenting philosophies and which ones should I rely on as a resource for raising Gavin.  In some ways, I feel like I missed out on doing a lot of things “right” for Gavin, especially in his first year, because I was too overwhelmed with being a new parent and all the things I had to learn to cope with.  I was too receptive to advice - good and bad.

When it comes to parenting, I find that there is plenty of advice floating around. Being a health science student, I find that I have always tended to look for evidence to substantiate theories rather than to follow the advice of heresay even if it comes from “experienced” parents who know better than me.  Perhaps that makes me annoying, but I would rather work with theories substantiated by studies of hundreds or thousands of children rather than advice that came from a single parent whose experience is limited to one, two or even ten children.

As a first time parent, there is often a lot of trial and error with your first child as you try to navigate your way through the wealth of parenting resource and advice available out there.  Even with all my efforts to educate myself, there are many things I feel I would do differently with my second child that I regret doing or not doing with Gavin.  And if I could go back to the days when I was still pregnant with Gavin, I would read these books in preparation for parenting Gavin:

1. The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland
2. The Baby Book by William and Martha Sears

I have been criticised for being too much of a textbook parent and for relying too heavily upon what I read as opposed to “what works”.  For instance, since having Gavin, I have developed a stance against “smacking” and corporal punishment.  To be honest, I haven’t always felt this way.  I used to believe in the credo “spare the rod, spoil the child”.  What changed my views was when I read The Science of Parenting - which is a book I believe every parent should read before deciding that it is okay to smack their kids.  It was then reaffirmed when I read the parenting philosophy of Dr Sears.

I have heard the argument, “Well, my parents smacked me and I turned out okay.”  True, a child who has been smacked may turn out okay, but why would you persist with such archaic forms of discipline when you know scientifically what it can do to a child’s fragile and developing mind? Our parents may have used these methods because they didn’t know better.  They didn’t have the benefit of science and parenting textbooks to guide them.  Heck!  Even the so-called experts in their day were leading them up the garden path (albeit with good intentions) - consider the numerous doctors who used to promote infant formula over breastmilk!

Why The Science of Parenting? 

Because The Science of Parenting is not based on some doctor’s theory of what she thinks is right, but practical findings from scientific studies of groups of children and how the developing brain works.

Why The Baby Book?

Because William Sears has been a paediatrician for thirty over years, and Martha Sears is a registered nurse and together they have raised eight children of their own.  As health professionals in the field, they have shared the experience of thousands of patients and conducted numerous studies of their own. Being parents of eight children of their own with very different personalities, they are no longer just scientists looking down a microscope and making observations, instead they have first hand experience of what it is like to to practice what they preach.

Had I read these books while I was still pregnant, I would have practiced Attachment Parenting right from day one.  I would have carried Gavin more and not taken so long to accept co-sleeping.  I would have spent more time playing with Gavin and gazing into his eyes instead of watching TV or reading books.  This is because discipline doesn’t begin when your child is old enough to understand you - it begins from day one of your child’s life.

Although the difficulties I currently face with Gavin may have occurred regardless of whether or not I had practiced attachment from day one, there is always going to be a part of me that wonders if he might have been “easier” to handle if I had.  Perhaps he is difficult to manage just because he is like Hayden - the Sears’ fourth child - spirited and determined.  I will never really know.  But just knowing there is another way means I will always keep trying to be a better parent and all I can do is hope that what I do is enough.

Popularity: 13% [?]

Now here’s a tough debate…

I’ve generally been of a mind to “mind my own business” and let others do as they please, but circumstances have placed me in positions where I have been called to make a stand.

The first, which I wasn’t present, but the hubby observed, was when Gavin was at the book shop.  An older child around 5 years old was browsing books at a bookshelf.  Gavin went over to look at the same books and was pushed away by the older child.  Not to disheartened, Gavin went to look for his own bookshelf.  Shortly after, the older child came over to Gavin’s bookshelf and Gavin pushed the boy away.

Let me first clarify that I don’t condone pushing, although I am secretly pleased to note that my son can hold his own.  But at the same time, had I been there to witness the older child pushing my son in the first place, I would have stepped up to say something.  Likewise, I would have told Gavin that it was not right to push the older child back.

In the second incident, Gavin and I were sitting in a ball pit.  There was a slide that ended in the ball pit and some girls were playing on it.  After a while, they found it a little boring sliding down the slide and decided they wanted to climb up the slide.  The nature of the slide design was such that a person coming down the slide can’t see that someone is attempting to climb up the slide, so attempting to climb up the slide is not a very safe thing to do. 

Since the girls were quite old and more than capable of holding their own, I didn’t intervene.  After a while, a toddler saw what they were doing and he wanted to copy their actions.  At the same time, one of the staff came and told the girls to play somewhere else because it was not safe.  The boy continued to attempt to climb the slide.  Since the staff member couldn’t reach the boy in time, I went over and told him it was time to go and picked him up.

Now these are two rather situations that are rather black and white.  If the child is about to get hurt or is going to hurt someone else or if they are going to damage property, tend discipline is clearly necessary.  But what about situations that are gray?  Would you say something or mind your own business?

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For all the difficult times we go through with our toddlers, inevitably, there will be some good days that make us feel proud to be the parent of our child.  During such instances, I think it is a parent’s duty to stop and celebrate our child’s achievements so we don’t lose sight of the good things in our children when the trying times threaten to overwhelm us.

Yesterday, I took Gavin out to meet a friend of mine who is back from Russia for her Summer holidays.  We arrived early at 1Utama, so Gavin and I went browsing through the stores.  Fairly early on, Gavin spotted Starbucks and started pointing to indicate he wanted a hot chocolate.  I obliged and when I was getting the straw, he wanted one. 

After giving him the straw, I prompted him with, “What must you say?”

He immediately signed, “Thank you.”

Previously, whenever I wanted him to sign, “Please” or “Thank you” I would have to ask him to sign the words.  This was the first time he signed without being asked directly to sign the word.

I told him we were going to have lunch with my friend, V, and though he initially balked at the highchair, he later volunteered to sit in it on his own when V arrived.  During our entire lunch, Gavin sat patiently in his chair, feeding himself and entertaining himself.  He didn’t fuss and he didn’t interrupt our conversation.  It wasn’t until I finished eating that he wanted to get out of the chair to walk, to which he said, “Walk walk,” although it sounded more like “wok wok”.  He later signed “walk” as we were walking to the bathroom.

I was also pleased with his display of manners towards V.  When she was holding his water bottle, he signed, “please”.  V asked me what he was doing and I told her he was saying, “Please can I have my bottle back?” After she handed the bottle back to him, he signed, “Thank you.”  He did it all on his own without me having to prompt him.

As usual, he caught the attention of the waitresses who all remembered him from the days when my parents and I used to have lunch there.  And as usual, he was his charming self - smiling, waving, shaking hands, giving high 5s and blowing kisses.

I couldn’t have been prouder of how admirably he behaved.

Above: V, Gavin and me.

Above: Gavin, V’s friend and V.

Above: V and Gavin.

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When an infant becomes a toddler, one of a parent’s biggest growing pains is finding ways to wear out an energetic child who fights sleep because he wants to play all day.  With a new sense of freedom of movement, a toddler suddenly realises that there is a big world out there and not enough hours in the day to explore it.  Hence the reluctance to sleep and the boundless energy powered by adrenaline.

The Discipline Book by Sears also states that one of the reasons why a child plays up is because he hasn’t had enough “play time”.  Simply taking a child out to the park so he can run about and let loose all that pent up energy can help a child behave more appropriately at home.

For these two reasons, I started taking Gavin out on a regular basis to play.  I find that on the days he goes out, he usually naps earlier and he seems more agreeable in general. 

Ideally, I would prefer to take him to the park on a regular basis, but the weather being what it is means that it is usually too hot by the time Gavin wakes up.  Aside from that, the smog and pollution, the security issues and finding a suitable time to go also make it rather unconducive.

The next best thing is to take him shopping - which usually works a treat in wearing him down sufficiently so that he doesn’t fight me so vigorously when it is time for him to take his afternoon nap.  One of my favourite shopping malls to take him to is Midvalley Megamall because the Toys ‘R’ Us has a little play area outside consisting of their demo cubby houses. 

When he gets bored of that, there are the slides in Robinson’s children’s section in The Gardens.  Aside from these, some of Gavin’s favourite shops are there - namely “Brickboy”, the Lego shop in The Gardens; MPH bookshop; Toys ‘R’ Us; and ELC, the Early Learning Center.  By the time we get through those, Gavin is usually half asleep in my arms.

Taking Gavin out on a regular basis has several benefits:

1. We get lots of practice getting him to sit in his carseat.
2. It also means he spends less time in front of the TV (since he would inevitably be watching TV if he remained at home all day).
3. He gets to interact with other people (okay, so it is mostly the shop assistants and strangers that he chooses to wave at).
4. He gets exercise from running around.
5. All his senses are stimulated by an engaging environment which is good for his development.
6. He falls asleep more easily so we don’t have to do battle when it comes to nap time.
7. I don’t go mad trying to keep him out of the cupboards and drawers at home since he has an appropriate outlet for his curiosity.

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