Last night was one of those nights - yeah, the one of those difficult ones that leaves me wondering how differently I should have handled things…

It’s hard to say when exactly things started to fall apart so I’ll start as early as lunch. I took Gavin for lunch with a friend of mine and her daugther. Gavin didn’t really seem keen to eat lunch. He ate a couple of mouthfuls of rice and drank two thirds of his Milo. Since he’s been rubbing his gums and pointing to them saying “bite” (read: pain), I guess he’s teething again and it has put him off his food (we’re waiting for his molars to break through).

Right after we left the restaurant, Gavin started saying “ice cream”. Looking around, I didn’t see any ice cream parlours in sight so I wondered if he had gotten to the point where he expected to be fed ice cream and was refusing to eat lunch to save his tummy for dessert. Not wanting to encourage such behaviour, I told him, “No. You didn’t eat your lunch.” He didn’t make a fuss after that and we even walked past New Zealand Ice Creamery without issue.

When he got back into the car, he fell asleep on the way home. I brought him up to the room and then went back downstairs to do a couple of things. Ordinarily, I try to stay close so that I can help him settle back to sleep if he stirs. Yesterday, I was still downstairs when my SIL2 heard Gavin cry. By the time I got back upstairs, he was too wide awake to be settled back to sleep. I tried to rock and nurse him back to sleep for the next 45 minutes without success before I gave up.

We went downstairs to play with the Thomas and Friends train set that my FIL bought him a few days ago and which Gavin was absolutely nuts about. My FIL and Gavin were playing with the train set when Gavin started trying to climb the table because he couldn’t reach the train from one side of the table. Naturally, my FIL told him off and to reinforce the message, he stopped the train and bus and told Gavin, “No more.”

Gavin got upset and clearly held a grudge against his Ah Kong for telling him off. He came to the kitchen looking for an ally to turn the train and bus back on for him - at least, I think that was what he was up to. So I took him back to the train set and firmly explained to him that if he climbed on the table, he would not be allowed to play with the train set. If he wanted to play with the train set, he had to agree not to climb the table. Gavin agreed. Then I told him he had to apologise to Ah Kong, which took a bit of time because he wasn’t keen to say “sorry”. Ironically, he didn’t seem to mind apologising to me because he kept signing “sorry” to me. But since the offence was committed against Ah Kong, I insisted that he apologise to Ah Kong or there would be no more playing with the train set. Finally, he apologised and hugged Ah Kong.

Personally, I thought that whole issue was resolved pretty well.

Somewhere in the middle of all this, Ah Kong had fed Gavin some Kit Kat - which I knew was probably a mistake for Gavin to be having so close to dinner time, but since he was bonding so well with Ah Kong lately (something that hasn’t really been happening too well in the past), I didn’t have the heart to ruin the bonding session.

When dinner time rolled around, Gavin didn’t want to sit in his high chair. For the past two nights in a row, he hadn’t wanted to sit in his high chair so we allowed him to sit on a normal chair stacked with cushions. Unfortunately, Gavin is a rather messy eater and insists on feeding himself, so my SIL2 made some changes to his high chair hoping he would sit in it. Gavin balked at the high chair and flat out refused to sit despite all our efforts to bribe him, give him two options (sit in the high chair or the bumbo chair on a normal chair), talk about Higgly Town Heroes and trains, and cajole.

Gavin also refused to eat dinner and wanted more Milo from the fridge. When he couldn’t have the Milo, he started howling in frustration and hubby said to ignore him while we all continued to eat dinner.

Quite frankly, although I knew Gavin’s behaviour wasn’t acceptable, I felt we had set him up for a fall - for which I felt bad. Part of good parenting is about knowing how to handle your child to help him behave appropriately. For instance, if you want him to eat dinner, don’t feed him snacks too close to dinner time and expect him to eat dinner as well. We all know that Gavin is not a child that is crazy about eating so feeding him just before dinner will ruin his appetite.

Secondly, if he refuses to sit in the high chair, we need to decide on two things:

1. How important is it that he sits in the high chair - if we want to insist on it, we should never have started the routine of sitting on cushions because it confuses him as to why he could sit on cushions the previous two nights and suddenly he can’t sit on them last night. To make it worse, when we’re eating out, we allow him to sit on stacked chairs instead of making him sit in a high chair. No wonder he can’t understand why we’re suddenly insisting that he’s got to sit in the high chair now.

2. Is it more important that he sit in his high chair or that he eats dinner? It is unfortunate, but with a headstrong child like Gavin, you only get to choose one. Sure, you can argue that he hardly eats much during dinner any way, but do you really want to traumatise him every time dinner comes around and expect him to still have a nice impression about meal times, sitting with the family, and eating?

As an infant, Gavin likes to emulate us. We drink from a glass, he wants to drink from a glass, too. I floss my teeth, he wants to floss his teeth, too. We sit in our “adult” chairs, he wants to sit in the “adult” chair, too. It’s a normal desire.

The solution to the high chair is a simple one - create a booster that we can attach to a normal chair so he can sit in a regular chair just like everyone else.

As for not eating dinner - I’m pretty sure it was a combination of the Kit Kat and the fact that he was mad at us for forcing him to sit in the high chair. Had we eliminated those two issues, the non-eating would never have been a problem.

Where, then, is the bad behaviour?

Now this is the part where I rant. I was criticised for being too easy on Gavin - always giving in to him and letting him have whatever he wants. In other words, I’m spoiling him.

Firstly, let’s get this straight - I don’t let him have whatever he wants. I assess the situation and decide how important I think it is, whether there is a need to correct a behaviour, etc. Since I am the one who spends the most time with Gavin and nobody observes us together 24/7, no one has the right to say I give in to him every time because they are not around to observe my every action with Gavin.

Secondly, what the heck is all this “giving in” and who’s “winning” rubbish? I’m developing a relationship with my son. I try to look for “win-win” scenarios whenever possible because a happy toddler means everyone is also happy. I don’t want to be battling my toddler every step of the way just because I’m the parent and whatever I say goes, like it or not. Life isn’t like that. Relationships are not like that. Relationships are about compromises and learning to live together. A relationship with a child is no different. That doesn’t mean I’m giving him a free reign either.

It was also said that I am not disciplining him appropriately because of his violent reactions when we say “no”. This is believed to be the result of me “giving in” to him all the time.

Firstly, he’s a toddler - he’s a slave to his passions. He cannot control his emotions and disappointments the way an adult can. He simply hasn’t learned how. In time, he will - but we have to be more patient.

Secondly, how often we have to say “no” is not the issue in question. I know plenty of instances of kids who are often told “no” but that certainly doesn’t ease the pain of having to hear “no” or stop them from reacting badly.

Thirdly, it was the end of the day when all toddlers are getting tired and notoriously at their worst. Not only that, but Gavin had had a rather short afternoon nap for two days running, meaning he hasn’t been sleeping an adequate number of hours required by a toddler his age. When we’re tired, we’re also more grumpy and bad-tempered. We’re also more prone to “losing it” over small things. So why should we expect a toddler who has even less control over his emotions to behave any better?

Fourthly, I have said “no” to him plenty of times and he has taken it like a true champ without fuss. Obviously, no one remembers those incidences because we seemed wired to remember only the bad ones.

As for discipline, if my son does wrong, I tell him why it’s wrong, why I’m upset and I show him that there are consequences to his actions (e.g. no more playing with his trains). But isn’t it wrong for me to get angry at him for not wanting to eat because he’s full? Isn’t it wrong for me to get mad at him because he wants to be like everyone else and sit on a proper dining chair? Sure it’s not so convenient for me if he chooses to sit on a dining chair versus his high chair, but it isn’t a bad thing.

Yes, I agree that some of his actions are not so desirable - for instance when he gets so absorbed in watching the TV that he totally ignores whoever is talking to him. He’s a toddler, so we need to make some allowances and cut him some slack. We can’t lay down the law and expect him to behave like he’s five years old - he isn’t developmentally ready for that. What we need to do is decide what is most important to us first and foremost and correct those behaviours first (like throwing his toys and hitting people). Once those behaviours become routine, we can tackle the not so important ones (like eating with his hands instead of the spoon - my nephew, C, loves to eat and that’s because his parents don’t mind him making a mess at the dinner table and eating with his hands). This is exactly like handling tasks at work - label behaviours as high priority, medium priority and low priority and tackle them one at a time. If you try to correct everything all at once, you’ll achieve nothing and everyone will be frustrated.

Again and again, I get criticised for following the textbooks too much and trying to find the gentle way of handling things when the situation should be a simple “I’m right, you’re wrong, so do as I say!” Let me tell you why I keep looking for a better way to handle things rather than turning everything into a battle of wills…

Let’s take last night as an example. After the incident at dinner, there was a lot of upset people. Quite frankly, hubby and I argued about how things should have been handled and about Gavin “behaving badly”. We argued in front of Gavin - which did not help matters (because parents arguing in front of young children creates fear in the child because if something happens between their parents, it threatens their emotional security).

As a result of the events at dinner, I had a lot of trouble getting Gavin into the bath, I had a lot of trouble changing his diaper, and I had a lot of trouble understanding why he was suddenly extremely fussy about everything and nothing. He was teary and upset for reasons known and unknown, and he reacted poorly to everything. He went to sleep upset which has been causing his nightmares and crying in his sleep leading to him stirring far too frequently - which has made it take twice as long for me to complete this blog post. I am angry and upset at being attacked for my choices in parenting methodologies and for being accused of being a lax parent, and to top it off, I have to deal with an extra fussy toddler who would not have been so fussy if I had handled things my way. When I am upset, I’m also not able to handle my child - my patience is spread extremely thin and I’m just inches away from a meltdown myself.

So being the person who is left to deal with Gavin for the largest part of the day, please let me handle him my way.

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Yesterday, I took Gavin for his fourth and final pneumococcal vaccination.  I decided not to go on Monday because Mondays are notoriously bad for seeing the paediatrician since appointments are by “first come first served” basis and everyone knows that kids always get sick over the weekend and will need to go see the doctor on Monday. 

Unfortunately, this week is a bad week to see the paediatrician because even though we got there early, we were still number 10 on the list.  So we took Gavin to Bangsar Village to kill some time and to get some lunch.  When we got back to the doctors, there were still three patients ahead of us.  By then Gavin was getting pretty tired, but still hyper as ever.

When they called us into the doctor’s office, Gavin was inquisitive.  He was checking out the room with his eyes - most notably the toys.  After we put him on the weighing scales, he started to get suspicious.  I guess something seemed awfully familiar about the routine.  By the time we checked his height, he was on to us.

He made a dash for the door but it was shut and he couldn’t reach the door knob.  Then he wanted to sit in a corner of the room as far away from the doctor as possible.  When I carried him, he was whimpering and struggling weakly.  I felt like I was taking a lamb to the slaughter. 

When the needle went in, he let out a silent cry.  It was like he was trying to scream but no sound would come out.  About half a minute later, he found his voice.  He calmed down quite fast, although he made it quite clear he wanted to get out of the doctors office - NOW!

Gavin fell asleep on the way home and slept for three hours.  When he woke up, he was a little fussy.  Since he hadn’t changed his diapers since the morning, I decided to give him a bath.  He didn’t want the bath.  I persisted with the bath because this was the norm - refusing to get in and then when he starts playing with the water, he has such a great time he doesn’t want to get out.  But no, he continued crying and refused to touch the water.

I tried everything - I gave him his toys, I gave him more water, I tried to bribe him, I gave him two options, I cajoled, I was firm - none of it worked.  He continued to cry hysterically.  Then I figured since I couldn’t calm him down, I might as well, try to dry him up and get him dressed quickly through the crying.  He cried so hard, he threw up all over himself and I had to give him another bath.

He cried through the second bath, but he did let me take him out of the shower after promising to take him to see the dog.  I recited, “We’ll go see gidget,” like a mantra while I towel-dried him quickly and dressed him.

When we went downstairs, he had stopped crying.  My FIL asked, teasingly, why he was making such a fuss.  Fearing another crying spell was about to be launched, I gave my FIL a horrified look, shook my head vigorously, and said, “Injection!”  Then I swept Gavin outside to see the dogs and the fish, after which, he was a lot calmer.

And to think Gavin’s still got his MMR booster shot to go next month…  Somebody shoot me already.

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Some time back, Gavin was playing with a drum his Dad bought for him.  While playing, he accidentally dropped the drum onto my toes and boy did it hurt.  While I was moaning in pain, hubby said to Gavin, “Say ’sorry’ Gavin.  You gave Mummy an ‘owie’.”

Gavin burst into tears and started crying.  I looked at him in surprise, distracted momentarily from my pain.  I thought I was the one that was hurt!

Last night, while he was nursing, he playfully bit my nipple - okay, the action was playful but it really hurt.  I looked at him sternly and said, “No biting!”  After a while, he asked for milk again and I said, “No.  You’re just playing and Mummy’s in pain.”

Then hubby said, “Mummy’s got an ‘owie’.”

Again Gavin burst into tears.  I admit, I’m still confused but this is how I’ve decided to take it:

When you have a toddler, you have to look for the silver lining in every cloud or you might just go mad.  So this is me being grateful that I have such an empathic son who feels my pain so much that he even cries for me.

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A couple of nights ago, we had another one of those “difficult nights”.  An over-tired and super cranky Gavin launched into a very long and very loud crying fit that had the whole house on edge.

The Background

Gavin has a tendency to wake up in the morning before receiving his full 10-12 hours of sleep a night.  Usually to help him clock in the hours, I will keep him upstairs and let him play a little while before trying to nurse or rock him back to sleep. 

One evening, the hubby suggested I take him downstairs instead of letting him go back to sleep.  I immediately debunked his suggestion and told him that if I took Gavin downstairs, he wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep until his nap time and he would forever be playing “catch up” on his sleep.  Since sleep is a child’s time for putting in order the things he has learned during the day, I felt it extremely important that Gavin gets adequate quantities of sleep regardless of how we managed it.  At this age, adequate is 10-12 hours of sleep a night, plus at least one 2-3 hours nap in the afternoon.

What Happened

One morning Gavin woke up at 7am (after falling asleep at about 11pm the night before).  By 8am, he still hadn’t gone back to sleep.  Feeling bad for thrashing the hubby’s suggestion some evenings previously, I decided to try what he suggested and bring him downstairs to play for a bit (hoping I could help him make up for the lack of sleep during his day time nap).

Gavin played for a while and went up for another nap at 11am.  He woke up at 12:30pm.  My SIL2 and I took him shopping.  I hoped the shopping excursion would wear him out sufficiently to take a second nap later in the afternoon (given that Gavin hasn’t had two naps in the day in quite a long while and sometimes pushes 6 hours plus between nap and bedtime).

When we got home, he refused to sleep (it was about 4pm).  Rocking and nursing failed to get him off to bed.  It was 5:30pm when I decided to give up and let him have an early night.  When he went back downstairs, he was running around like a mad boy, squealing with delight and joy as he played with our maid and my SIL2.  Everything seemed to be going well.

By dinner time, he was clearly getting tired.  Hubby took him up to bathe - he wailed all the way through.  By the time hubby passed Gavin to me to nurse to sleep, Gavin’s eyes were almost shut.  He fell asleep in record time and all was well (it was about 7:30pm).

8:15pm, Gavin woke up crying.  The crying escalated to inconsolable screaming wails.  I offered my breast, he rejected it.  I carried him around the room, rocking and patting him but he wouldn’t calm down.  After a while, I could make out a hiccoughing request for “milk”, so I offered him my breast.  I soon realised that he couldn’t drink because his nose was blocked and that made him even more upset.  He launched into a fresh bout of screeching wails while I tried to rock him and soothe him.

At about this point, the hubby said in a rather calm voice, “You should manage his day better.”

With Gavin’s wailing in the background, I wasn’t sure I heard him right.  “What?”  I asked.

He repeated himself.

I couldn’t believe it.

Note to all the Dads out there reading this blog post (or Mums, if Dad is the stay-home parent):

1. Please don’t insult us mothers by stating the obvious.  The fact that Gavin’s misery was brought upon by a lack of sleep was clearly evident.  It doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out. 

2. If you must insist on making such comments, please find a more appropriate time to do so. When the baby is wailing at the top of his voice is NOT and appropriate time.

The Solution

We took Gavin downstairs, turned on Playhouse Disney and let him watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.  He was a lot better after that.  His nose had also cleared up, so that by the time we took him back upstairs, he was able to nurse again.

The Conclusion

Unfortunately for me, after nursing, he stayed up until 11:30pm, albeit in a much improved disposition.

While some toddlers manage to thrive regardless of the amount of sleep they get, Gavin, evidently, is not one of those toddlers.  Needless to say, I will not be bringing him downstairs until he has clocked an adequate amount of sleep for a “night” as this experience has merely served to reinforce the fact that there is no such thing as “catch up” sleep during nap time - at least, not where Gavin is concerned.

The other thing I’ve learned is that when it comes to mothering a child - mother does indeed know best.  So Mums - trust your own instincts, even if it goes against what everyone else tells you.  You are the one who spends the most time with your child - it naturally stands to reason that you will know your child best.

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After being reinspired by those Signing Time home videos sent in by mothers who taught their babies to sign, I decided to dig out the Sign Language book I bought some time back.  I was reading the chapter on “Birth to Three Months”, which I skipped the last time because Gavin was already four months old by the time I bought the book, and there was a mention of something really interesting referred to as “The Secret Language of Babies“.

You can click the link to read more about it, but here’s the gist of it.

From birth to the age of three months, all babies have instinctive sound reflexes that mean specific things.  If their parents don’t respond appropriately to the the sounds that they make, they eventually stop using them.  These are the five sound reflexes apparently all babies are born with:

1. “Neh” - means “I’m hungry”
2. “Owh” - means “I’m sleepy”
3. “Heh” - means “I’m experiencing discomfort”
4. “Eair” - means “I have lower gas”
5. “Eh” - means “I need to burp”

These are the pre-cry sounds that all babies make before they launch into full scale crying.  If you catch them early, you tend to your baby’s needs and head off the crying bouts.  The Secret Language of Babies was discovered by a mother from Australia called Priscilla Dunstan.

I’ve read before in books that babies have specific cries to mean specific things that their parents will eventually learn to pick up but never have I ever read a book that told me what specific sounds meant what.  One of my biggest concerns as a new Mum was that I wouldn’t be able to figure out what my baby’s cries meant.  I sort of figured I would use the old “try until you get it right” tactic that goes something like:

1. “Do you want Mummy to hold you?”  If no, see 2.
2. “Are you hungry?”  If no, see 3.
3. “Do you need to change your diaper?”  If no, see 4.
4. “Do you need to burp?”  If no, see 5.
5. “Are you sleepy?”

Well, you get the drift…

I never quite got to the point where I could discern certain sounds with certain meanings.  Well, looks like this little gem of information isn’t a complete waste since I’m planning to try it on baby number two to see if it works (Aileen, maybe you can try it first and tell me if it worked for you, or anyone reading this post who’s about to have a baby).

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There’s a stomach flu bug going around and it struck me again, although I think I had a milder reaction to it this time.  Although I felt really crook, I didn’t have any fever (despite the fact that the doctor registered a mild elevation in body temperature).  I had a headache and muscular aches all over again - symptomatic of viral infections, meaning no antibiotics required, and I felt general malaise (that-out-of-sorts feeling you get when you’re getting ill) and fatigue.  I had stomach upset and a lack of appetite, an increased need to defecate, although no diarrhoea, and I was nauseous.

As usual, I was reluctant to go to the doctor because I knew what was wrong, what diagnosis the doctor would pronounce and what treatment he would recommend.  My MIL was concerned, so I agreed in the end to go.  Also because hubby and MIL have been wondering if I’m pregnant since my symptoms seem so mild so I wanted to get that score settled once and for all. It took me nearly an hour to see the doctor - this is exactly why I don’t like to see doctors when it feels so unnecessary.  I already feel crummy, all I want to do is sleep and I have to sit in a waiting room with sick people to see a doctor who’s going to tell me what I already know.

Well, I know better next time.  My poor MIL was forced to entertain Gavin for that entire hour while I waited so it can’t have been much fun for her either.

The doctor’s diagnosis? A viral infection originating from the stomach - apparently seems there’s a lot of this going around lately.  No kidding.  I just had it about two or three weeks ago.  He did ask about my period but since I only had it about a couple of weeks ago, he immediately ruled out a possible pregnancy.  It’s definitely way too early for any pregnancy symptoms to show.

The treatment? Stay away from oily and spicy foods.  Milk is still okay, unless I start getting diarrhoea.  100Plus or Excel will be good for the nausea (something I usually drink when I’m dehydrated, feeling nauseous or when I’ve had diarrhoea because it replaces lost electrolytes and because my body seems to naturally crave for it).  Paracetamol for the fever and aches, some anti-nausea pills and anti-diarrhoea pills (which I think were of a similar nature to lomotil).

Well, I could have told myself that…

Anyway, the thing that I’ve been wondering is whether Gavin’s been having the bug, too, and feeling crabby because of it?  It might also explain his two episodes of vomiting recently.  Although I know that crying hard can cause babies to throw up but I always thought that was only with really young babies - don’t quote me on this, I haven’t researched it. 

While it is still possible that he threw up because he was upset, I did notice that on the first night he was nursing quietly for a while and then suddenly, it was as if something upset him and he sat bolt upright and starting howling until he threw up (despite all my best efforts to pacify him).

Regardless, I have found a way around the night-time crying before bedtime (or at least minimising it).  I’ve discovered it isn’t so much to do with whether he had one nap or two naps during the day (although, clearly, having that morning nap does improve his disposition somewhat).  It’s got to do with how I put him to sleep.

Sometime back when I had the first episode of the stomach flu, I was so achy, I just couldn’t bear the thought of rocking him and carrying him up and down the room for half an hour to an hour.  Praying that Gavin would be kind to a sick Mummy, I just popped him on my breast and lay down beside him to sleep.  Although I had to go through a routine of switching breasts everytime he came off before he had fallen asleep, I found it infinitely better than having to rock him.  The great thing was that Gavin eventually fell asleep (and so did I).

It worked so well, that even after I got better, I decided to continue this method of putting Gavin to bed.  And it continued to work, at least, up until the day he threw up.  After he threw up the second night, I decided to switch his naptime routine back to its original timing - morning nap when he started to get tired, and an afternoon nap if I could get him to sleep.  That night, I started his bedtime routine by nursing him.  It seemed like he was almost about to fall asleep, then suddenly, as if someone pressed a magic button, he was up and about and ready to explore again. 

Without missing a beat, I scooped him up and started to rock him as I paced around the room.  Clearly he was tired because I noticed his head dropping onto my shoulder shortly after I started pacing.  When he was almost asleep, I brought him back to the bed and nursed him to sleep again.

Although it’s more tedious this way, and definitely more exhausting for me, I feel better about it because it stems off the crying.  Indeed, when I reviewed The Science of Parenting, Sunderland writes that “if your under-five child is hyperaroused and out-of-control, pick her up and hold her.  With high levels of physical arousal, she won’t be able to focus on what you are saying, however simply it is expressed”.  When you hold your child, make sure you’re calm, not angry.  Your child needs to feel that you are in control because their out-of-control state can be very terrifying for them.  It helps them to know that there is some big and calm who can help them manage their intense emotions.

I’ve been reading one of the parenting forums about toddlers and sleep and it seems parents feel pressured to get their toddler to sleep in their own room after the age of one.  They do so even if it means crying spells and vomiting, although the latter seems to cause a certain amount of distress to some parents.  Somehow they can take the crying, but they can’t take the vomiting.  What I found particularly alarming is when parents write that they feel their child is vomiting on purpose.  I mean, we’re talking about a child under two, who is in a hysterical state - the child is highly unlikely to be in any frame of mind to manipulate his parents into feeling guilt by forcing himself to vomit.

Even adults have difficulty thinking straight when they’re upset.  Imagine how much more difficult it would be for a toddler…

While we’re on the topic of manipulation, yes, I don’t doubt that children are often testing the boundaries with their parents and seeing how far they can push them to get a reaction.  They are learning how to push our buttons through observation and they also quickly discern who the weakest link is.  At the same time, you can also learn a lot about your child as you watch him grow.

For instance, when Gavin throws a fake cry, I know instantly it isn’t real.  He makes a few coughing sounds that appears as if he’s trying to cry but not succeeding.  It’s also easy to get him to forget about his pretend state by engaging him in other activities.  Whereas when he’s really upset, it’s almost as if nothing you say appears to penetrate the howls.  It takes time to calm him down.

I guess that’s the challenge of being a parent - being able to distinguish when your child is playing up and when they’re crying for you to save them from their emotions.  As your child grows older and becomes more adept, it gets harder, but at this age (Gavin’s age now), I think it’s still quite straightforward.

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Gavin seems to be crying a lot more of late and it’s been taking a lot out of me to soothe him.  At times, even the breast hasn’t helped in calming him down.  What did seem to work was whenever the hubby played music from his mobile phone.  When in the car, we would turn on the CD player and it would almost instantly quieten him.  Just half an hour ago, Gavin woke up again from another night terror so I played some music from the computer.  The effect again was almost instantaneous - although I had to get the music right.  He didn’t like the lullabies but he went silent almost immediately when I put on his Signing Time CD.

Next time he cries, I’m definitely going to try the music again…

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I’m sure many parents have been told at one time or another that continually picking up their crying babies would “spoil” them. It has also been said that babies manipulate parents through crying.

Studies have now shown that this is neurobiologically incorrect. The human brain consists of three parts - two of which are the from our evolutionary origins: the reptilian brain (brain stem and cerebellum), the mammalian brain (limbic system), and the rational brain (cortex and frontal lobes).

The reptilian brain is responsible for essential bodily functions that help sustain life, including hunger, digestion, elimination, breathing, circulation, temperature, movement, posture, balance, territorial instincts, and the fight or flight response.

The mammalian brain is responsible for emotions such as fear, rage, separation distress, caring and nurturing, social bonding, playfulness, explorative urge, and lust in adults.

The rational brain provides higher brain functions responsible for creativity, imagination, problem-solving, reasoning, reflection, self-awareness, kindness, empathy and concern.

When a baby is born, much of the rational brain is undeveloped. They are ruled largely by their reptilian and mammalian brains in the first few years of life. “In order to control an adult, a baby needs the power of clear thought, and for that he needs the brain chemical glutamate to be working well in his frontal lobes [within the rational brain]. But the glutamate system is not properly established in a baby’s brain, so that means he is not capable of thinking much about anything, let alone how to manipulate his parents” (Sunderland 39).

When humans first evolved and began to walk on two legs, our pelvis became narrower. As we got smarter, our brains also increased in size. A narrower pelvis and an bigger head meant that babies had to be evicted from the womb “about three months before they are fully mature” or they would not be able to get through the birth canal safely (Karp 65). As such, babies behave like an external foetus at birth and require a fourth trimester outside the womb.

A baby is born with a very limited repertoire of actions - the ability to cry to communicate his needs, the root reflex for feeding, excretion and sleep. Crying is a baby’s only means of saying, “I’m tired”, “I’m hungry”, or “I’m overstimulated”.

A baby moves easily into fear of threat and shock… too bright, too harsh, too cold, too hot, too sudden. The amygdala in the lower brain, which functions as a detector for potential threat, is perfectly online at birth… How can she know that the noisy liquidiser is not a predator that will come and attack her? How can she cope with the shock of being undressed and immersed in water when you lower her into a bath? (Sunderland 37)

When a baby cries, he is not trying to exercise his lungs or control his parent. He cries because he is communicating a need whether emotional or physical. A baby’s emotional need is no less important than a physical need. When a baby has an emotional need that is unfulfilled, the pain he feels can be as strong as a physical hurt.

When a baby cries to be picked up, she is not being “needy” or “clingy”. “The separation distress system, located in the lower brain, is genetically programmed to be hypersensitive [because] in earlier stages of evolution, it was very dangerous for an infant to be away from her mother… if she didn’t cry to alert her [mother] her whereabouts, she would not survive” (Sunderland 50). With age, the development of the rational brain helps to keep the separation distress system in check.

Babies can’t be spoiled and they don’t know how to manipulate. It’s a fact. The difficulty then is identifying the moment when their awareness kicks in and they start to realise that certain actions produce specific results.

Sunderland, Margot. The Science of Parenting. London: Dorling Kindersley, 2006.

Karp, Harvey. The Happiest Baby on the Block. New York: Bantam Dell, 2002.

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I wrote this recently for my application to Academia Research (footnotes have been omitted).

Decoding the Baby Language of Crying

Crying is a baby’s only means of communicating with its parents or carers, especially in the first year of life. Babies will cry to tell us what they are feeling – which is anything and everything from being lonely to being over stimulated, being hungry to having a wet diaper that needs changing. The problem I faced as a new parent is that I never learned the language of crying even though it is my baby that was attempting to communicate with me.

It is often said that babies have a distinct cry for each need they have. There is a cry that expresses hunger; there is a cry that means they need attention; there is a cry that means their diapers are wet; and so on. I question the truth behind this statement as a newborn human baby at birth must be rather immature since it is also believed that unlike other animals, human babies are born before they are ready to leave the womb. This is a result of an evolutionary means to ensure that the baby’s head does not grow larger than the birth canal through which it must exit.

After spending several weeks with my baby, I confess I was still unable to understand what my baby wanted whenever he cried although I had to agree that there was a different sound to each of my baby’s cries. Even though I had heard it all from the desperate, hysterical cry right down to the slight whimper that sounded more like a cough than a cry, none of the cries spoke any meaning to me.

Since I did not know what my baby wanted, I would run through a serial check list until he stopped crying. For instance, I would try picking him up for a cuddle to check if he was just lonely. If he kept on crying, I would check his diaper to make sure he had not soiled himself. If the diaper had been taken care of and he was still crying, I would offer him my breast for a feed and then rock him to sleep.

This method seemed rather tedious and it also often meant a lot of unnecessary tears for my baby while I played a guessing game that I did not seem to be very good at. I was never able to associate a specific cry to a certain need because different cries would respond to the same solution and vice versa. Murkoff offers the explanation that “crying that’s been left to intensify for more than a few minutes becomes harder to interpret – the baby becomes so upset, even he or she doesn’t remember what started all the fuss” (188) which then compounds the problem of identifying the cry.

The first step to understanding the language of crying is to sharpen your observation skills. According to Hogg, there are ten different types of crying – tired or overtired, overstimulated, bored, pain/gas, hunger, too cold, too hot, needing comfort, overfeeding, and bowel movement (86-88). To help understand the type of cry a baby makes, parents need to sharpen their observation skills and observe for signs that accompany the cry. For instance, a tired or overtired baby:

Blinks [and] yawns. If not put to bed, physical signs can include back arching, legs kicking, and arms flailing; may grab own ears or cheeks and scratch face … squirms and tries to turn into your body. If he continues to cry, his face will become bright red … It may come after playtime, or after someone has been cooing at Baby. (Hogg 86)

Bearing in mind that all babies are individuals with their own set of preferences and temperaments, I often wonder if one can really prescribe a certain type of cry with a specific need. Hogg states that babies who are hungry make a “slight coughlike sound in the back of the throat [before the first cry starts]. It’s short to begin with … [followed by a] more steady: waa, waa, waa rhythm” (87).

Even if you can’t decipher your baby’s cries, Murkoff offers various methods that may be employed to soothe a crying baby, some of which include swaddling, cuddling, adding pressure to the baby’s tummy, implementing a ritual, satisfying with sucking and checking with the doctor among other suggestions (189-191). Sometimes it may not be possible to understand why a baby is crying, particularly when they are having a bout of colic. In such instances, understanding takes a back-seat while parents resort to trial and error, using any and every means available to them to calm the crying baby.

At the end of the day, all a parent really seeks is the ability to effectively and efficiently comfort their crying baby and minimise the amount of heart-wrenching tears that are shed in the process. Understanding the language of crying - while making life easier - isn’t necessarily essential to a parent’s efficacy when it comes to halting the tears.

Works Cited

Hogg, Tracy. Secrets of the Baby Whisperer: How to Calm, Connect, and Communicate with Your Baby. New York: Ballantine Books, 2001.

Murkoff, Heidi, Arlene Eisenberg, and Sandee Hathaway. What to Expect: The First Year. London: Pocket Books, 2004.

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