When I look around at the children today, I am amazed at how precocious they are.  Their intellectual development seems lightyears ahead of where I was at their age.

Although Gavin’s recent demonstration isn’t exactly something I’m proud of, I felt a need to write about it and ask if anyone else has experienced the similar behaviour from their two year old toddlers.

For reasons none of us can fathom, Gavin isn’t particularly fond of Ah Kong (his grandfather).  At least, that’s how it appears at times when he exclaims, “No!  No love Ah Kong!”  I thought at first it was because Ah Kong doesn’t really get down to his level and play with him.  My FIL is a little bit of a couch potato - especially after he gets home from work.  The fact that he even gets up to do something for Gavin is a huge deal if you know anything about what my FIL is like.  Unfortunately, a toddler isn’t able to put such things into perspective.

I also thought it might be because my FIL’s demeanour if rather gruff.  Even without meaning to, he can strike fear into the hearts of visitors.  Hubby’s friends have all said they were terrified of him when they first met him.  Although Gavin has the benefit of living with my FIL to know that he’s really an old softie, perhaps my FIL’s expressions still appear intimidating to a toddler. 

Despite Gavin’s outward negative reaction to Ah Kong, I think he secretly is fond of his grandfather.  For instance, once when my FIL was away on business, I caught Gavin picking up the telephone and speaking into the ear piece, “Ah Kong!  Eat!”  Sometimes I wonder if Gavin’s negative reaction towards Ah Kong is part of some game he has with my FIL because sometimes he has a rather sly smile on his face when he says, “No love Ah Kong.”  It’s as if it’s some secret joke of his.  But when the contrast between his feelings for Ah Mah (his grandmother) and Ah Kong are so obvious, like when he runs over to give Ah Mah a huge hug and kiss but screams when Ah Kong tries to hug or kiss him, it’s hard not to feel hurt for Ah Kong.

On Sunday, my FIL took Gavin to Toys ‘R’ Us after dinner and bought him ‘Arry and Bert - two diesel engines from Thomas and Friends.  Ordinarily Gavin would never hold Ah Kong’s hand or let Ah Kong carry him in a shopping mall.  Suffice to say, on Sunday, Ah Kong was his favourite person.  He went everywhere with Ah Kong - allowed Ah Kong to carry him and even held Ah Kong’s hand.

Is my son just a realist or should I be worried?

Even when he was really little, when he wouldn’t allow strangers to carry him, he would make an exception if they gave him a funky mobile phone to look at.  I used to think it was because he was too distracted by the mobile phone to notice that he was in the arms of a stranger.

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Some time back I wrote about post about whether we should discipline someone else’s child.  Although I found the topic a difficult one at the end, I concluded that it was okay so long as the matter involving the child mean that:

• another child might get hurt
• the child in question might get hurt; or
• something will be damaged

Since then, I’ve been taking Gavin to Kizsports and various jungle gyms to play and I find it quite alarming to see how rough and unconcerned a lot of children are to the younger children.  Most will push past a smaller and slower child trying to climb up a ladder or go down the slide.  In such cases, I find myself asserting my authority and telling them to be patient and consider the younger child. 

When I see a lot of children coming through, I usually hold Gavin back and allow them to go through first, but when Gavin is already midway through the action, I don’t take him away because he was there first.  If Gavin is attempting to descend a slide with another child already on the slide, I tell him to wait for the child to finish his or her turn.  I make it a point to teach Gavin to respect other children so it really irks me to see bigger children (who ought to know better than a 21 month old) pushing their way through the smaller children with no regard for them.

To say that they’re children and they don’t know better is just making an excuse for failing to teach them.  If they’re old enough to over-take another child and push them out of the way, they’re old enough to learn how to be courteous and mindful of other children.  Even now I can see that Gavin will hold back when he see another child on the slide.  He steps back to let other children go first.  He says “excuse me” (sometimes) when he wants me to move out of his way.  He can say “please” and “thank you” (usually with prompting, although he has done it without prompting when he really wants something).

Although I’ve realised the power of “monkey see, monkey do”, I don’t think the significance of it ever really sank in until Gavin said “excuse me” (which sounded more like “scoos me”) one night.  I had never taught him to say it but I think he picked it up because I started using it on the dog when I wanted the dog to move. 

Children at this age are so teachable, but parents or caregivers must be willing to assume the role as teachers.  The ability to inculcate good manners into a child was really impressed upon me when I read the article from The Asian Parent on “The Gift of Grace and Good Manners“.  A young child can learn to be polite and mindful of others as long as their parents or guardians are willing to teach them.

One of the points that was pointed out by The Asian Parent is that some parents are afraid their children will become pushovers, making them easy target for bullies.  They would rather their children be the bully than the bullied.  I understand that concern all too well.  Gavin’s willingness to back off sometimes seems like he’s allowing other children to push him around, but I’ve realised it isn’t necessarily so. 

When Gavin was a lot younger, he wanted to look at books on a book shelf at a bookstore that another child was looking at.  The other child pushed Gavin away because he was there first.  So Gavin respected that and moved to another book shelf.  Later the other child came over to the shelf Gavin was looking at and tried to nudge him out of the way.  Gavin pushed back (he was pre-verbal and he didn’t have the words to tell the other child that he was there first).

The Asian Parent also suggests that to overcome the concern that a child might be an easy target for bullying, a parent can send their children for Taekwando classes because the discipline teaches children that it is okay to defend themselves when the need arises, but also to uphold a code of conduct by respecting themselves and others.

In this part of the world, it is common to observe a lack of manners and common courtesy in the behaviour of a lot of adults (let alone children).  Well, manners and courtesy begin in the home.  If it is not taught, how can you expect your children to grow up with the “gift of grace and good manners”?

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When I was a teenager, there was always a constant battle between my parents and myself about the kind of clothes that were acceptable for me to wear.  Anything that was too short (read: above the knees) would always incite a negative reaction from my father.  I used to think he was just so uptight.  Ironically, it wasn’t until I became a mother that I started to feel self-conscious about wearing mini skirts or short shorts.

So far, Gavin has been pretty good about wearing whatever I bring out of his wardrobe.  Although there were times when he didn’t want to wear his dungarees (back when he was younger and felt that any kind of straps were an attempt to hold him down), he doesn’t really have a problem about wearing them now.  There have also been a few items of clothing that he’s really been crazy about, like his chic chic pajama top, which he wanted to wear all the time because he was mad about little yellow birds. 

And then there was the star t-shirt which he likes because I have a matching one:

But other than these, he’s never really made a fuss about the clothes he wears.  In fact he’s pretty vain so he usually allows me to dress him whenever I tell him he’s going to look so handsome.  He loves checking out his reflection in the mirror and admiring himself.  He’s a bit of a narcissist because I’ve caught him kissing his reflection a few times, although I’d like to think it’s just a phase that toddlers go through (please tell me it’s a phase - are there any Mums with older kids who used to kiss their own reflections in the mirror?).

My friend PL says that her daughter is going through the age where she gets really difficult about what she wants to wear.  She’s just turned 3 and she always insists on choosing what she wants to wear (even if it isn’t appropriate for where they are going). 

I was hoping this was something that only afflicts little girls so I wouldn’t have to endure it with Gavin, but recently, Gavin has started to display signs of fussiness.  Although he doesn’t really have any ideas about what he wants to wear - he can spend ages deliberating what to wear without ever choosing an item - he can usually tell me what he DOESN’T want to wear. 

Looks like it’s time to start presenting him with two options and getting him to choose one…

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I’m curious about this one…

A couple of weekends back, we took Gavin to Playland at Kizsports in Bangsar Village with his godsister.  Before heading to Playland, we stopped by Chatterbox for lunch.  As usual, the kids were restless in their seats while we waited for the food, so I brought out Gavin’s trusty Pelikan colour pencils to hold them off a little longer.  It worked a treat and we parents got a chance to continue our conversation in relative peace.

A little later, we noticed some colour-pencil marks on the table but no one had observed which child did it.  So we questioned the kids.  When I asked Gavin if he did it, he looked straight at me with a sort of mournful expression and nodded - after which I proceeded to tell him why he should only draw on the paper.

After admonishing Gavin for drawing on the table, JV said, “They’ll tell you they did it now, but wait until their older and realise the consequences of telling the truth.  After that, they’ll be saying, ‘No.  It wasn’t me!’”

Gavin is 21 months old now.  I’m wondering how long I’ve got before he discovers the art of lying.  So tell me, how old was your child when he or she first started lying to get out of trouble?

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It was my SIL2 that first started using sticker rewards on Gavin with some amount of success.  After that she shifted to Thomas the Tank Engine badges because it was obvious that a Thomas reward worked far better than any old sticker.  It was only when I bought Gavin a Thomas Sticker Book with 700 stickers that I realised the true power of stickers.

My friend and mother of my god daughter told me they used a lot of sticker rewards at my god daughter’s play school.  “Finish your water and you can have a sticker,” “wash your hands and you can have a sticker”, and so it goes.  Whenever they needed the toddlers to do anything they weren’t willing to do, a sticker would always do the trick. 

Although the first lot of stickers we bought for Gavin didn’t exactly work like magic, I think they were great for setting the stage of stickers as a reward.  They taught Gavin that if he did something we asked, he’d get a sticker.  While he liked the yellow chicks on the stickers, he wasn’t crazy about them, so if the task he had to do to get the sticker was too much to his dislike, the sticker reward simply wouldn’t work.

The magical effect of stickers didn’t really take on a whole different meaning until I bought the Thomas Sticker book.  Now, whenever I offer him a sticker reward, he’ll usually come willingly.  For those nasty tasks he dislikes, I can often read the tormoil in his expression as he wrestles between his dislike for the task and his desire for the sticker.  If he’s struggling too hard to get off the fence, I’ll sweeten the deal with two stickers - one before he does the task and one he’ll get after he completes the task.  So far, it’s worked fairly consistently.

And since we have 700 different Thomas and Friends stickers, I think it’ll be a while before he gets bored of these…

The added bonus from this book are the pictures of trains that Gavin can practice colouring in.  Perhaps now Mummy can take a break from drawing ugly trains that only her own toddler would recognise…

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Wow!  Nearly a whole week without a single blog post from me - how neglectful I have been!  Well, it hasn’t been entirely my fault - the circumstances haven’t been too kind to me, or perhaps it is my modem that is nearing the end of its lifespan?

Anyway, I learned a few more things from the car seat this week after a few pleasant and not so pleasant experiences with Gavin.

1. Moving Gavin to the front passenger seat does wonders to improve car seat cooperation.

Although it isn’t usually recommended to have a child sitting in the front passenger seat - notoriously the most dangerous seat in the car - I figure it would be safer to have Gavin in the car seat than to have him moving freely around the car.

Initially, it was the novelty of being up front that won him over.  Later, I discovered that having him in the front seat allowed me to engage his attention more easily as a method of distraction, for instance, “Look at the big truck!”

Having Gavin in the front seat also allows me to hold his hand when he begins to get fussy and sometimes that alone can head him off from a complete meltdown.

2. Offer to nurse at the last port of call.

Especially after a long morning/afternoon out, it is always a good idea to offer Gavin a chance to nurse before attempting the drive home - so I discovered yesterday when he failed to fall asleep during the journey home because he wanted milk.  Sometimes when you’re in a hurry to beat the traffic or to get home for whatever reasons, it is easy to overlook this one.  It is also easy to make the mistake of assuming fatigue will overrule the desire to nurse - not so!  At least not for Gavin.  When he decides he really wants something, there’s no distracting him from it.

3. Affirm his needs.

I have discovered that affirming his needs works a whole lot better than trying to console him with the promise that milk will come or that home is just around the corner.  Rather than telling him I’ll give him milk soon, I just repeat, “Gavin wants milk.”  If I tell him he’ll get milk soon, he just launches into bigger howls because “soon” is never soon enough.  Ironically, when I repeat what he wants back to him (which is a Toddlerese tactic), he still isn’t going to get milk until we get home or stop the car, but he seems to take it a lot better.

4. Play him something to listen to.

Since he was little, I have discovered that music soothes this savage beast.  Well, recently, I have discovered that certain meaningful words have a remarkable effect upon him as well.  On the Thomas Music CD that I made for him, there is a track with a short story about Thomas and Gordon which Gavin really enjoys listening to.  Playing that track for him worked wonders for a while when I was trying to get him to cooperate and sit in the car seat.  Although it is starting to lose its appeal from overuse, it just reminds me never to underestimate the use of some good background music - or in this case, words.

5. “Mummy means business” approach.

This usually never works with Gavin, but I have discovered that it works for some instances when trying to get Gavin into the car seat.  In Gavin’s case, it has to be used only when he is mildly protesting against the car seat.  It doesn’t work when he’s lost it so it has to be used fairly early on in the day and also before he’s had a chance to build up his refusal of sitting in the car seat. 

When he won’t sit in the car seat, I just plonk him down on the floor space in front of the passenger seat and get into the driver’s seat.  I make like I’m about to start driving off and then I look at him and ask if he wants to sit in his car seat.  Sometimes he’ll agree, sometimes he won’t.  If he doesn’t, I might try asking him if he wants to listen to his favourite music track which usually does the trick.  If it doesn’t, I’ll start driving a little and then give him another chance to opt for the chair.  So far, I haven’t had to go beyond this point. 

6. Let him sleep.

When all else fails, knock him out before getting into the car to drive. 

When I was practicing children’s dentistry, behaviour management was the first approach for managing children in the dental chair.  Putting them under a general anaesthesia (GA) was saved only for children with lots of dental work to be done or for the most difficult of children to manage.  The problem about using GA is that you never manage the child’s behaviour or their perceptions of the dental chair.  It’s more like a temporary quick fix to help you get the job done.  Likewise, I view getting Gavin to fall asleep before putting him into his car seat as something akin to giving him a GA before sending him for dental treatment.

Ideally, if I can manage him while he’s awake, I feel we can both learn something from the experience - even if it is trying on the both of us.  If I make him sleep first, he learns nothing.  So I generally reserve this tactic to the most trying of times and when nothing else will work.  This method also doesn’t work if he’s not already tired.

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Gavin’s favourite hangout these days is a toy shop in Great Eastern Mall called “Choo Choo Train” - no prizes for guessing why.  They sell a lot of wooden toys, including the Thomas and Friends wooden train set.  They also have a large display model of the Thomas and Friends wooden train set with a wooden Thomas and James that children can play with.  Whenever Gavin enters this shop, getting him back out has posed quite a challenge.

Although I find his obstinate refusal to leave quite trying at times and the temptation to just snatch him up and take him out against his will, kicking and screaming, to be quite strong, I’m glad to say that I still have a few tricks up my sleeve.  The first time he refused to leave, I managed to convince him to follow me with the suggestion of going to the supermarket to look at fruits - another favourite passtime of his of late. 

Yesterday, he flat out refused to leave the shop again and nothing I did could convince him to go.  Whenever I walked towards him to pick him up, he would move to put the table in between us.  I tried threatening to leave him behind and even hid outside the shop while I waited for him to run out after me but he never budged.  I tried coaxing, bribing, giving options, and suggesting he say “bye-bye”, but none of it worked.  Admitedly, he was particularly difficult to manage because he was already due for his nap which did not help matters.

Finally, I used a combination of Toddlerese, affirming his desires by repeating them back to him and giving him words to express his feelings.  Then I suggested going home to listen to his favourite new Thomas and Friends music VCD and started singing two of his favourite tracks “James the Splendid Engine” and “Boo Boo Choo Choo”.  Honestly, I swear everyone in the shop was giving me weird stares but I guess that’s the privilege of being a mother - being able to do the most embarassing things without even a hint of scarlet in my cheeks.  By that time, Gavin allowed me to pick him up and leave the shop.

Times like these it really pays to spend time with you child and getting interested in the things that he is interested in.  I’m sure I wouldn’t have known how to sing his favourite songs if I had not watched them over and over with him until I could still hear the echoes of the music in my mind as I move about during the day. 

Although I could have forced him out of the shop against his will, I always prefer to avoid the screaming and crying whenever possible.  Firstly, it’s less embarassing.  Secondly, it preserves my relationship with my son.  Thirdly, I learn that much more about him every time I take the time and effort to get his cooperation rather than to adopt the heavy-handed “I’m the parent so do as I say” method.

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People often wonder why I get so anal about making sure Gavin gets enough sleep.  Well, this is why…

When Gavin was a lot younger, my cousin told me about the daughter of some friends of hers who were pretty much party-goers.  They were out at all hours and so was their daughter.  She never seemed to mind and she obviously adapted well to it.  At the time, it was put down to “training”.  Now I suspect they are just lucky to have a daughter with an easy-going nature.

At twenty months, I remember reading somewhere that Gavin should get somewhere between 11.5-13.5 hours of sleep a day (that’s over night plus naptime).  Well, I’ve seen the consequences of what happens when Gavin doesn’t get his minimum sleep requirements of at least 11.5hours and it is not pleasant.

Gavin typically sleeps about 10 hours overnight, although there have been times when he’s been known to do more.  With 10 hours of sleep a night, that usually means I need to ensure he goes down for at least 1.5hrs during his daytime nap.  At this age he rarely, if ever, has more than one nap a day no matter how short it is.  He also sleeps longer and better when we’re home so I never risk trying to get him to sleep while we’re out unless he’s slept about 11-12hours overnight.

The last three times Gavin fell short of his required 11.5hours, this is what happened:

Towards the time when he starts to get tired, he starts to go a little crazy.  He’s giggling and laughing and behaving like he’s high on something.  He’s difficult to put down to sleep and it is very difficult to get his cooperation with anything - eating dinner, taking a bath, getting out of the shower, getting dress, wearing a diaper, etc. Despite being tired, he’ll resist all attempts to help him sleep and when he finally does fall asleep, it is usually only for about 45 minutes to an hour before he wakes up screaming and howling from a night terror.

Trying to settle him down is next to impossible and after a long bout of crying, he might settled down if you turn on the TV for him to watch - just make sure it’s the right program.  After that, he’s fully awake and not ready to sleep for at least another three to four hours.

After experiencing this pattern of events, I figured that Gavin is just one of those children whom you just can’t mess around with when it comes to sleep.  He’s also a child that needs to be encouraged to sleep rather than allowing him to decide when he’s tired.

Meltdowns aside, there is an even more important reason why you should encourage your child to get the recommended hours of sleep a day.  One of the most important parts of sleep is called the REM phase - rapid-eye-movement or dream phase.  During this phase, children are busy sorting out the things they have observed and learned during the day.  It is an important part of their brain development and a lack of REM sleep can affect brain development.  It is no surprise, therefore, that infants can spend up to 50% of their sleep in REM sleep, versus adults who only spend 20% of their time in REM sleep.

Just as adults who suffer sleep deprivation function at sub-optimal levels during the day, children who suffer from sleep deprivation can become more aggressive, non-compliant, and suffer more medical problems.  So even if it means I have to carry him around, rock him to sleep, or nurse him for an extended period, by hook or by crook, I’ll get him to sleep…

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After today’s experience in the car seat, I think I am at a loss to understand my son’s car seat habits.  All the same, I’m still going to attempt an analysis of what happened today.

Yesterday, my grandma called to tell me my uncle was in town and could I please pay him a visit.  Admitedly, he couldn’t have picked a worse time to visit since we were planning hubby’s birthday party for today, tomorrow we had to attend a friend’s son’s full moon party and he would be leaving the following week.  Nevertheless, attempting to be the dutiful grand-daughter, I decided to pop over this morning before we got too caught up with the plans for the hubby’s birthday party.

I took it easy in the morning and made sure I told Gavin where we were heading.  To put it simply, he wasn’t keen to go when I asked him if he wanted to visit Tai Ma.  Perhaps because he finds it boring, but he never seems to enjoy visits to see his great grandparents - whether it is the hubby’s grandmother or my grandparents.  Since I had already told my grandma I would be over in the morning, I pushed on and packed the car with my last train bribe - Toby - in hand. 

When I seated Gavin in the car seat, he started whimpering as per his usual early signs of protest before launching into the all-out bawling.  Quickly, before he could get any further, I whipped out Toby and pressed the train into his little hand and asked, “Oh!  Who’s this?”  For a moment there, I was almost afraid that Toby wasn’t going to be enough, but we made it. 

When we arrived at my grandma’s house, Gavin didn’t want to go in until I promised to take out his train magnet book.  For someone who doesn’t really enjoy visiting my grandparents, I have to say that Gavin behaved quite admirably.  Possibly his only failing was his unwillingness to sit in my grandma’s lap or to be affectionate with her.  Yet, to be fair, he doesn’t really see her often enough to have much of a bond with her.

After a while, he was starting to look tired, so I thought I had better get him home before he became unmanageable in the car.  I was a little worried about how I was going to get him back into the car seat and had even contemplated making the short drive home with him seated on the floor space in front of the front passenger seat.  To my surprise, he allowed me to seat him in his car seat without a whimper or complaint and all this was happened when he was quite tired and usually his most uncooperative!

My SIL2 reckons he was too tired to complain.  Personally, as terrible as it sounds, I think he was just eager to leave my grandma’s place.  Why do I think so?  Because he willingly - almost eagerly - kissed my grandparents goodbye when I told him we could leave after he kissed them goodbye.  I’ve noticed that when Gavin is eager to leave a place, he is usually most compliant with any requests, such as saying “goodbye”, kisses, etc.  So when I said we could go home but I needed him to sit in his car seat, I guess he really was keen to go home.

So if I want Gavin to cooperate in the car seat in future, I’ve got to make him so eager to get to the destination that he would happily sit in his car seat to get there.  Unfortunately, that’s a lot easier said than done.  Nevertheless, I’ve got to try because I’m running out of workable bribes for the car seat - we already have all the main characters from Thomas and Friends, so it is questionable whether he would still sit in the car seat even if we bought him more trains to use as bribes.

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After the previous two disasterous attempts to get Gavin into his carseat, I admit I had grave reservations about whether we were going to make it out to Bangsar Village to meet up with my friend C and her daughter C.  Nevertheless, I had to try, so I armed myself with my last train bribe - Toby - and preceded to get Gavin ready for the day. 

Much to my surprise, Gavin went straight into his carseat without uttering a single whimper of complaint!  What was even more surprising was that I didn’t bribe him at all!  Admitedly, the ride home didn’t go quite as well, but that’s another story altogether.  A cooperative Gavin who willingly allowed himself to be strapped into his carseat without complaint was such a major event that I nearly fell over in shock.

So let’s rewind to see what I did right that morning (although I suspect that it was largely due to the fact that Gavin happened to wake up on the right side of the bed for a change rather than it being anything I did right)…

We woke up, Gavin went to the toilet for a morning poop.  I gave him a quick shower and changed him, then let him amuse himself around the room while I got ready.  I asked him if he wanted to go to Playland to play and he said, “No.”  Then I said, “But Mummy wants to go.  Do you want to come with me?”  He agreed to come with me.

We went downstairs, and I made myself breakfast.  I didn’t give anything to Gavin except a couple of mouthfuls of “ice cream” (which was really Ski Divine yoghurt) because I was half contemplating on reserving the Milo bar for bribes in the car and didn’t want him to be too full to reject it.

I packed our stuff and moved it into the car - telling Gavin that I would be back to get him.  I tucked Toby into my pocket for easy access, left the Milo bar by the door handle, turned on the Baby Signing Time music CD and went to get Gavin. 

And that was it.  Really.  There was nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary.  I can’t think of anything else that I did that might have contributed to Gavin’s cooperation except that he was in an exceptionally good mood that morning.  The only other reason I could attribute the good behaviour to is possibly that Gavin did absorb some of what I had said on Monday about why I needed him to sit in his car seat - maybe.  The only way to confirm this theory is to take Gavin out again and sit him in his car seat.  Watch this space…

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